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The NHS is in crisis. One simple procedure could solve it for good. However, the chances of it being pulled off seem unlikely, an NHS spokesman reported last night.

“We’re offering to implant the prime minister with a functioning heart,” spokesman Howard Youlikeit explained at a press conference. “It would enable him to grasp the big picture and fix not only the NHS but all the problems in this country.”

If successful it would mean a fully-functioning NHS, and money diverted from the super-rich to fix the entire country’s ailing infrastructure.

However, such an operation requires the consent of the patient, and Boris Johnson’s response was very much in the negative.

“Those hypocritical Hippocratic hippopotamuses are truly horrendous,” he said. “They’re supposed to be saving lives and yet here they are offering me an organ I don’t need. I ask them where I’m supposed to find the blood to keep this supposedly essential heart running, and they tell me it can be diverted from the blood that currently runs to my mouth and my manhood, well let me tell you I need every fluid ounce of my blood to run both, and I’ve lived this long without a heart, I see no reason why I should need one now. I am flatly declining this operation on religious grounds.”

One operation to save the country, but the patient declines due to his beliefs.

Rumours are rife that Jacob Rees-Mogg has also declined such a treatment for much the same reasons, along with other senior conservative MPs.

Even Nigel Farage voiced his opinion on the matter – not that anyone asked him to.

“What is a heart anyway?” he asked. “Never heard of one. Who needs them? Not me, that’s for sure.”

The NHS will continue to recommend the operation to all government MPs for as long as it remains in existence. We wish them luck.

Following Russia’s shock four year ban from international sports by the World Anti-Doping Agency, the International Olympic Committee have taken further steps to prevent Russian cheats prospering in international events.

They have reclassified voting as a sport.

“It’s simple,” spokesman Will Wynn-Fairley explained. “We hear all the time about Russia meddling in other countries’ elections, so now they’ve been banned from international sports, we might as well count voting as a sport to prevent them from cheating in that.”

If so then it would be a great stride forward for democracy.

Russian president Vladimir Putin was unavailable for comment.

The ban would not extend to their own national elections, which would carry on as normal. Or as normal as their democratic process can be called.

Donald Trump was also unavailable for comment, although sources close to the White House reported a very loud wailing and screaming coming from the Oval Office.

We were able to get an interview with Boris Johnson however, who said:

“It’s disgraceful, if the Russians can’t interfere in our elections, the people might not vote in our – er, their, yes, definitely their, best interests. It’s like someone telling Zeus that he’s not allowed to father children with mortals, you just can’t do it, think of how different Greek mythology would be then.”

I couldn’t help but think his choice of example was very revealing of his own passions.

The Russian sporting ban has not yet come into effect, nor will it in time for this current election. However, when it does, we will all be able to breathe a little easier. If the Tories haven’t privatised oxygen by then in an effort to kill the poor by asphyxiation.

There have been many great scientific discoveries throughout history, from penicillin to the internal combustion engine. But the latest announcement from the scientific world is set to potentially outdo the lot.

A team of geologists are looking to drill down through the earth to find a depth to which the Conservative party won’t stoop.

This comes hot on the heels of the Tories’ rebranding their press office on twitter as “Fact Check UK” for the duration of the leaders debate last night, and the number of adverts used to make positive references to themselves without appearing to.

The team will be led by Professor Luke Foritt, who made this announcement:

“There are accusations that the Tory party will stoop to any depth, so we’re going to drill right down to see where those murky fingerprints reach to. If the accusations are true, we’ll find evidence of their dodgy dealings even down as far as the earth’s core.”

The team are not wasting any time. They have hired the best drills in the business, and the actual drilling is set to commence on Monday just as soon as the equipment is in position, and will continue without interruption until either they find a depth devoid of Tory contact or until, as suspected, they reach the earth’s core.

The move has been met with the predictable levels of scorn from the Tories, especially Jacob Rees-Mogg, who said:

“Well of course there will be Conservative fingerprints at the earth’s core, and all over the whole planet. After all, the world was created in seven days by a direct ancestor of mine by the name of God, and I come from an unbroken line of Con-servatives.”

Well he comes from a long line of something beginning with C, that’s for sure.

We at LCD Views with Professor Foritt and his team the best of luck.

There have been many breakthroughs in the world of science in the last few years, but the most exciting one of recent times was announced yesterday, as scientists expressed a profound hope that they would one day be able to cure Ann Widdecombe.

Professor Austin Herring of St Dunstan’s College, Cambridge, said to the press:

“We have been looking for a cure for Ann Widdecombe now for several years and we have recently made a discovery that could really help us.”

And what is this discovery?

“The answer might lie within nature itself. It turns out that her cells and atoms are not in the same state that they once were, they have been decaying slowly for decades. You can see this if you look at pictures of her from the past and compare them to how she looks now. Her appearance has changed immensely in a process we call ‘ageing’ – her skin is more saggy and wrinkly now compared to in her earlier days.”

This much is certainly true, so how does this help?

“Well,” Professor Herring explained, “as I explain in my book No You Can’t Flush Grandpa Down The Toilet He’s Not A Goldfish, at this rate her molecules are probably going to decay completely within the next decade, until she finally shuts down altogether. We call this phase ‘dying’. And when that happens, there’ll be no more Ann Widdecombe.”

So in short we just let nature take its course?

“Yes. It’s something that’s happening to us all though, we may all die before she does, but the odds of that are astronomical, as her level of moral decay is far more advanced than the average human. But then we’ve been saying that about Keith Richards for years and he still walks among us,

”Still, in Ann’s case, we’re looking into alternatives, not necessarily involving the dying process. It’s this scientist’s belief that she’s possibly a closet lesbian and just needs to be outed in order for her homophobic slurs to lose their currency.”

That would certainly be a better option. All we need to do now is find a woman willing to attempt to out Ann, although I think the dying option might produce quicker results, as that will only need another decade or two.

LCD Views‘ Aspirations Vague correspondent has heard from a weary woman this morning that although we can’t have everything we want, “Boris Johnson stranded abroad by bad weather is a good start.”

The woman, known to her only friend (a pot plant) as Maybot, was speaking after she gave a vague speech at a big house in the centre of the big smoke yesterday.

The speech was designed to appease some ideological lunatics in  a political party and apparently did just that.

Well, for twenty hours at least.

“The speech was a bit touch and go at times,” Maybot said, “it’s all vague aspiration and a direct warning to not invest in the United Kingdom.”

But she was confident most mainstream media, including the BBC, would report on it largely uncritically. Although Channel 4 might be a bit picky.

“All we really need to know is what my party, the Conservatives Party, think, as that’s all that matters. What will make injeritance millionaires and useful idiots happy.

So a general nod of approval from the ranks and then some nutter like Rees-mogg expressing qualified approval is bang on target for May.

This equals critical coverage, as our national broadcaster has united behind my sense of bewilderment and amnesia.”

What Mr Johnson thought of the speech is not entirely clear, due to him being stuck overseas with his thumb up his ass, in front of a big jet.

“I hope whenever he is,” the woman added, “he likes it so much he stays there.”

The pot plant, and for once an overwhelming majority of the United Kingdom, actually agreed with her on that, at least.

“Theresa May is starting to fade from official photos,” Mr Foto Fin, official Downing Street photographer has warned. 

Speaking exclusively to LCD Views, he issued the cautionary observation over a chai tea latte.

“I would have had an expresso,” he added, “but I can’t pronounce it.”

We were talking ahead of a official lunch time function to be held at 10 Downing Street today.

“Lunch is going to be great,” the photographer oozed,

“after the bbq chicken wings dipped in syphilis, we’re going to play Twister and I’m going to photograph all of it.”

The game of Twister is not just for fun.

It follows a directive from the office of the prime minister, that all new editions of the famous party game must only now feature blue circles.

“This is to better prepare the swingers of Britain for a bold and enterprising future of only entertaining at home. With like minded individuals, of course.”

But what about the fading of Theresa? We wanted to know. Is there a fix?

“Oh, there’s a fix alright. But you get this sort of problem with prime ministers nearing the end of their time in office.

Tony Blair was a ghost all of 2007. Which was actually an improvement. From 2004 he was just a kind of spectral mask of death.

Gordon Brown never even appeared in prints.

David Cameron was so bright it was blinding.

It blinded millions to the office. May was strong and stable for a week. Right after taking office.

But before long her inherent knack of indecision led to her being impossible to capture.

She just kind of flashed in and out of focus until recently, now she’s just fading from view.

They’ll probably have to replace her with a hologram till Jacob Rees-mogg makes his play to be Britain’s shortest ever serving prime minister.

I’m looking forward to photographing him though. I love a bit of sepia and black and white.”

LCD Views can report today on rumours that a high ranking British official is being sought for questioning after an unprovoked attack of unintended irony.

The surprise assault is said to have happened in Berlin during an otherwise well mannered evening involving German business leaders and the as yet unnamed British official.

We spoke to colleagues based in Berlin to hear what few details have yet been released to the public.

“It was about 9pm and a silver tongued Englishman, who styles himself as a negotiator of international importance, but who has no visible achievements in the field, took to the podium to offer the gathered business leaders an offer too good to refuse.”

The offer is believed to have been a sizeable portion of the London based financial services sector, countrywide automotive, pharmaceutical, and aeronautical industries, alongside our international reputation and influence, in exchange for accepting an undisclosed sum in the tens of billions from the UK.
Seemingly a very attractive offer.

“But it seems he sensed that his open handed and benevolent offer of continuing friendship was being viewed skeptically by the pragmatic group gathered in the room.”

That’s when it happened. He appeared to drop his disarming smile and lunge at them with unintended irony.

“I’m sure the attack was unplanned. Or if it was, it was not thought through, as he suddenly warned the group not to put politics before prosperity.”

As the official is apparently only able to pretend to high importance solely based on a political project with no basis in reality, and which apparently risks causing mass harm of the mutual kind to shared prosperity, the assault of unintended irony was savage and bruising.
Many were left baffled and wondering how to prevent a repetition.

“He made good his escape soon after. But it’s feared he could strike again without warning. People are warned to be on their guard and make sure the batteries in their bullshit metres are fully charged.”

LCD Views urges our massive global readership to report any sightings of the individual to the nearest polling date and help stop him striking again.

George Osborne is expected to use the front page of today’s Evening Standard newspaper to announce he is to stage the 2017 Conservative party nativity play in a butcher’s shop.

The giant economic brain responsible for the fastest recovery from the global financial crisis and a period of extended prosperity that saw inequality shrink to invisibility in Britain by cleverly shaming people born without silver spoons jammed up their backsides is expected to bring his trademark compassion to the task of staging the perennial drama.

LCD Views couldn’t get through to George, in spite of having him on speed dial (he’s probably really busy working all his jobs), so we spoke to someone who claimed to be his aide instead.

“Blood. Hachets. Vengeance. The smell of terror in corridors. The overriding theme of this year’s Conservative party nativity play is going to be revenge. Not your pussy footing about payback either. Straight in the face with an axe takedowns.”

It’s understood Theresa May will be asked to play the innkeeper who turns the famous expectant parents away.

Under George’s direction they will go away for a brief period before returning axes in hand to discuss availability of a room for the night again.

“It’s going to look a bit Tarantino by the end,” the aide smiled.

“The butcher’s shop chosen is near Smithfield Market in London so as to capture the specific atmosphere of fear, shit, blood and screaming that epitomises the ruling party since George decided to step down as Chancellor to pursue his literary interests.”

LCD Views believed Mr Osborne has a chequered history overseeing the country’s bank accounts and the division created since 2010, but we’re well up for watching his idea of a nativity for his party.

Go get them George. This light entertainment spectacle is a potential beginning of the counterbalance to the absolute clusterf*ck you helped cause in government.