Category: Tory Tory Tory

SING A SONG OF SIXPENCE : RUSSIAN HACKERS are reported to have been left confused and flummoxed after a failed attempt to hack the gmail account of noted Victorian parliamentarian Jacob Rees-mogg.

It’s understood the effort was made in order to build on the success gained by hacking Liam Fox’s account.

“That wasn’t all it appeared to be,” our Intelligence and Security analyst says, “all anyone learned from that was that the UK government intends to sell the NHS to the US. Wow? Pinch me? Am I dreaming? Oh, and what curtains Mr Fox’s friend likes for games of hide and seek. Again, no surprise there.”

So they figured on going after a bigger fish? An ERG?

“Yes. And it appears they successfully (allegedly) broke into the PC he’s been supplied with by parliament,” our analyst confirms, “but found it completely empty. Virgin state. Unused. So it seems. The only actual content on the computer was the standard warning about accessing adult content on the premises of Westminster, known in the Commons as ‘Green’s Hobby’, oh, and a guide to using Google to look up Latin.”

It’s believed the hackers then broke into the PCs of his parliamentary staffers, and close family members, but also came up empty handed.

It was after this they made the key move that led to the dispiriting discovery.

“One of the hackers is currently working in London as a ball boy at tennis fundraisers. He was tasked with trailing the antiquated MP to get actual eyes on the laptop or tablet he must be using.”

Android or Apple?

“Oh, they didn’t blood type Rees-mogg. He’s presumed to be human, although that is unconfirmed. But what they did see was him using a series of runner boys to convey and receive messages. His email is 19th century. He’s understood to believe digital communication is witchcraft.”

What are they going to do about it?

“They’re going to employ some muggers.”

LIFE LONG PEER : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON STANDS ACCUSED TODAY OF DISHING OUT PEERAGES AND KNIGHTHOODS to friends and donors, with little thought to the democratic damage.

But amongst the furore over Kremlin linked donors becoming Lords, Brexit backing ex-Labour MPs elevating, attention seeking, contrarian rent a gobs going up too, and men who put bins out getting knighthoods, many have missed an obvious name on the list.

“Lord Covid-19 of Westminster,” a source at Downing Street confirmed, “it has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? And to be honest, Lord Covid has done more to help us out as we barrel towards the cliff edge of a No Deal Brexit, like a runaway wheelbarrow full of burning chickens (who should be roosting quietly) than most on the list. It deserves to get the ermine.”

However there is some confusion over what aspect of Covid’s service to Johnson the vicious little strand of RNA is getting the award for.

“People are asking if it’s for services to disguising the impact of Brexit? It is. People are also asking is it because of how Lord Covid has allowed us to loot the Exchequer egregiously, like a failed state run by a mob? It’s that too. It’s both things. Oh, and it once put the bins out. Which was nice.”

And there is another obvious element to the elevation of Covid-19 to the Lords.

“It’s a life peerage,” the source added, “which with our management of the pandemic is exactly how long we expect Covid-19 to be with us. And to enjoy its tangible benefits.”

WITH LEADERS LIKE THESE : CHIEF ARCHITECT OF THE HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT, sponsor of ‘Go Home Vans’, agile thinker and former prime minister, Theresa May, has put herself in an embarrassing situation today after failing a basic cognitive test.

“Ms May didn’t want to be left out of what is now seen as the gold standard in tests for global intellects,” an aide (claiming to be) to the former prime minister told LCD Views, “I guess seeing Donald Trump smashing it she must have remembered that romantic moment when she held his hand in Washington. She was moved. Which is not something you usually say about the politician who stood mute and incapable of activity for days in the face of the Grenfell disaster.”

Whether or not it was memories of walking with POTUS that inspired Ms May to get involved in the viral test isn’t really clear, but the results are.

“I guess it was easier for Mr Trump. Remembering, ‘I. Put. Kids. In. Cages’, that sticks with you. Maybe Ms May is still suffering from the impact of robotically repeating slogans her entire time in office?”

As that is all she was capable of when taking the test.

“She just kept repeating ‘Brexit means Brexit’. When someone whispered to her that it was five words she had to recall, she switched it up and tried ‘No Deal Is Better Than A Bad Deal’. That was too many words clearly. You can have too many memories. Ask anyone.”

But while Ms May was said to be attempting to shrug off the complete failure of her entire career (to achieve anything positive), experts are saying the result is actually worse than it seems.

“It’s really just two words,” a cognitive test expert opined, “Brexit and means. And no one knows what it means still. Not really. But they’re about to find out come January 1st 2021. Then you’ll only need four letter words to explain Brexit and its backers.”

THE MAN WHO HAS NEVER HEARD NO : FOREGIN SECRETARY Dominic Raab has today visited a food bank. There are no details concerning what food he brought to donate, if any.

“It’s best to visit the living testimonials to your government’s achievements,” an aide to the geographically challenged Foreign Secretary told LCD Views, “when you consider how withered the food bank sector was in 2010, and contrast that to now? Dominic has a lot to visit. He could basically do nothing but visit food banks and he would never rest. They should probably create a minister for visiting food banks. Especially when you think what’s coming down the line in 2021!”

But it’s not just enough to go to the places that speak to the heart of your governing philosophy, you have to dispense advice. You have to help people improve themselves. If only they believed they could land a high paying job. It’s all about achieving the right accident of birth to start with, and then building on it.

“He wasn’t mansplaining,” the aide was definite, “let’s get that settled right at the start. And mercifully he wasn’t attempting to teach anyone orienteering. Ha! Do you remember when he lost that entire classroom in the Brecon Beacons? Actually, you probably don’t. We hushed the entire fabricated story up. I’m sure the kids are being raised perfectly fine by the wolves. They’ll probably get a movie deal out of it when they finally claw their way out of a ravine and stumble into a town.”

Well, what did he say?

“He solved it for food bank users, experiencing temporary cash flow problems. He told them to get a government PPE contract, untendered, and they’d never want for money ever again. And the best part, you don’t actually have to deliver any PPE!”

Nice work if you can get it.

TAKING THE PEEPE : A Downing Street source has confirmed a new track and trace app is to be launched today to build on the success of the world beating Covid-19 one.

The new app is designed to identify friends of Dominic Cummings who are yet to receive lucrative PPE contracts.

“It’s not right that the contracts are always for £108m,” the source said, “sometimes they are for substantially more. And now and then a little less. But always a figure that would look great on the side of the bus.”

The app will be voluntary at first, with friends of the SPAD encouraged to self-identify.

“Once everyone who knows Dom and who has bagged a PPE contract has registered it will allow us to compare the list with the list of everyone he’s ever met who said a kind word to him. Whether they meant it or not. It’s not that his ego is that fragile he’s attempting to buy friends.”

Clearly there is no need for any parliamentary oversight on any of this.

“We are ruling because of the superiority of our bloodlines. It’s not for weaker humans to question us, or what we do. Bloody great bit of super forecasting to put through that rule that we can throw money around like candy in an emergency. No scrutiny needed. We’re just taking back what was stolen from us through tax.”

And who runs the company that will develop the friends of Dom track and trace app?

“Why a friend of Dom of course!”

We didn’t expect that! How much is the contract worth? £108m?

“Substantially more. £250m+, oh and the last screaming threads of UK representative democracy. A bargain at half of that.”

NOTHING TO SEE HERE MOVE ALONG : A 10 year old girl in Surrey is believed to be the UK’s latest multi-millionaire after being awarded a lucrative PPE contract by the government.

“The child had the foresight to set up a limited company before launching her homemade lemonade business last week,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “this was fortunate. It has allowed the relevant minister to use their discretion and award the child the contract uncontested.”

While some are querying the child’s suitability to handle such a large order of PPE, the government points to the fact that while retailing her lemonade she has been wearing a mask, occasionally, and has what appears to be hand sanitiser on the fold up table on which she is displaying her drinks.

“Critics are just jealous of young Corruption’s success,” the insider went on, “typical of the lazy to be envious of those naturally equipped for success. The fact the girl’s father is an old school chum of a serving minister has nothing to do with her success. It’s a very British success story. We should revel in it. After all, success means success.”

Inquiries at Companies House do appear to show everything is above board. The company, “Home Made Lemonade” has £5 in assets and its chairman owns a substantial share in a company which advises on the best way to avoid tax, via complex webs of offshore accounts.

“I expect the next time you hear about Corruption she will have a massive property portfolio,” the source went on, “assuming she times well the return of the profits from the PPE contract from her complex web of offshore accounts. Wait for the housing crash Corruption, and then reinvest.”

DESTINY IS ALL : PRIME MINISTER DOMINIC CUMMINGS is said to be feeling a little cheesed off today after Secretary of State for Housing, Communities and Local Government, Robert Jenrick, continues to steal the headlines for another day.

“Robby is only a pup,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but he’s already amassed quite a list of achievements in the Toryverse. So many questionable decisions while in government, such contempt for the law [allegedly], so many interesting links to interesting people. He even went to the Trump inauguration. Which doubled the crowd size. Quite the overachiever.”

But the latest story to hit the headlines involves Britain’s greatest former prime minister, David Cameron, and his plans to redevelop his shepherd’s hut shed as an S&M Superstore.

Initially his local council refused permission, citing public health concerns, but then Dave and Robert had lunch. It’s been plain sailing ever since.

“The headline is a little inaccurate,” the source continues, “as I don’t think anything will be being sold at any visit, well, not in a retail sense. But if you like leveraging your accident of birth to make the less fortunate suffer, it’s going to get the blood racing. And clearly if you examine David Cameron’s premiership he’s the one who deserves the credit for beginning what is now fire sale UK. Roll up! Roll up! Everything must go! Steam train entering a tunnel type stuff for modern Conservatives.”

But thanks to an imagined FOI request (mostly imagined because it was successful and not just hundreds of ‘redacted’ pages) LCD Views are able to reveal details of the planning application.

“It’s modern Tory fetish fun time. Multiple levels with audio-visual displays of food banks. Liz Truss tweeting about trade. Dominic Raab’s pulsating vein up close and coming in and out of focus like a 60’s psychedelic short film. Boris Johnson’s short film about “How I learned to give up the search for the G Spot and just keep shagging”, the criminality of the EU ref. Robert himself meeting with various billionaires who have issues with local councils and planning regulations. The despair of millions now suffering daily thanks to the only real motivation of their government being the movement of public cash to private pockets. It’s intensely arousing watching offshore bank accounts swell, swell and swell. You’ll need a shower afterwards.”

And seeing as it’s 2020 will there be a statue erected at the entrance?

“Yes. David Cameron holding a pig, in brass. Well, the neck is brass, the rest of it is just bullshit.”

HMS BALDERDASH : CHIN UP GLOBAL BRITONS and get ready to take it with an app!

That’s right, an app! Not a nap. Who do you think you are, the prime minister?

Speaking of which, great news today, coming hot on the heels of the disaster of the Cummings’ Corp “NHS” track and trace app is a new initiative to deliver this vital, viral tech.

“Boris Johnson is to now take control of developing the test and track app,” an aide working closely for PM Dom told LCD Views, “he’s been drinking non-stop to gather the raw materials.”

And reportedly there’s now raw materials aplenty inside 10 Downing Street and Boris “Shaggy Shagger” Johnson is hard at work.

Hard at work with the arts and crafts.

“He’s building the app from empty wine crates right now. It’ll be ready any minute.”

But will one app do for 65m+ people?

“About as well as herd immunity,” the source goes on, “which some could be forgiven for thinking has always been the plan.”

But still, only one app?

“Yes. And the PM is selflessly allowing everyone else to take their turn first. No chance of the missus tracking old Boris in case he needs to find a new support bubble, if he doesn’t have the app.”

Clever thinking.

But how will we know when it’s our turn to use the app?

“Simple. A little picture of you will be painted on the side.“

It’s almost as if as with the story about building buses from empty wine crates, the PM is once again taking everyone for a ride. Oompf!

MORE, YOU WANT MORE : THE CONSERVATIVE MP for the picture postcard district of Hunger-on-Why, Sir Toby Fullbeli-nondom-Ridiculius-Max, has been sent out today to explain the Johnson government’s decision over summer school meals.

“It’s learning that makes you hungry,” he told a compliant BBC show, “and during the long, glorious ENGLISH summer months poor children won’t be learning anything, clearly, they will be on whatever digital leisure device my taxes bought them. It’s hard enough to get the little buggers to receive an education at the best of times. All this moaning about food. Have you seen my collection of rare Albanian ivory? Family obsession. Began in the Crimean War. What were we talking about? Let’s put a tiger in that tank! Oompf!”

And while the government spokesman is perfectly sensible, there is now a rumbling political furore over Boris Johnson’s refusal to reverse the meals policy.

Some useful suggestions have come forward, from the Conservative Party, such as poor children to be sent a copy of ‘Oliver Twist’, to nourish their souls. Also that they may like to have a whip around and then donate the proceeds to the Conservative Party, the better to influence policy. Or even set up a pest control company and bid for a PPE contract. If successful the untold riches that would flow their way will more than pay for lunch.

Although that option is said to be disliked by 10 Downing Street, due to the risk of creating social mobility.

“He doesn’t feed his own children why the bally hell should he feed yours?” Sir Toby continued, reasonably enough, “children need to learn the value of hard work. Just like I did, and my chums. You try managing the man that manages your 13,000 hectare estate day in and day out? Bloody hard work. When I inherited Bilehead Hall, after my eldest brother was disinherited because of his stubborn refusal to call off his marriage to that exotic lass, I took on the full responsibility. Just you see the mess it would become if some low born child tried this? No stomach for the graft you see. It’s in the genes. Transportation was too good for them. You can’t cure that class. Born that way. Part of God’s plan. Burrrrrrrrp!”

But with the government digging in, and displaying once again an unexpected feature of Boris Johnson’s politics, that of unnecessarily wasting political capital (by the truckload), it’s been left to footballers to fill the policy void.

“You see that’s what really rubs us the wrong way. Some chap who was born poor trying to dictate policy to his betters? Merely because he’s got his hands on some money? New money, what do you expect? It’ll be the end of Great Britain if we let ball players force our hand. Heaven forbid! Good thing the football is back on. Bread and circuses! That’s what the country needs. Well, circuses. Not bread, clearly. Crickey. Don’t eat leftover pheasant for breakfast. I don’t half have some indigestion this morning. Besides, if you feed a hungry child one day, they’ll just be back the next for more. Nurse! My pills! Where in blazes is my nurse?!”

SUPPORT BUBBLES : The UK’s world beating shagger, the Prime Minister, has further eased the UK’s CV-19 lockdown measures today, after taking personal control.

The easing has added to the smirking of the sniggering classes and their suggestion that each lockdown ease is only predicated on Tory MP lifestyles. Nevertheless the PM is ploughing ahead.

“In what some pent up Tory MPs are calling a long overdue relaxing of a rule that no one with a heart would have brought in anyway, the move to allow affairs to resume has been broadly welcomed within the Tory Party,” our 10 Downing Street source reports, “it should be noted that the scientists have not been consulted. But they’ve outlived their usefulness, PR wise, anyway after they realised they were going to be stitched up for the government’s disaster out CV-19 management.

“But there is some concern the easing doesn’t go far enough,” he continues, “as numerous MPs appear to be conducting numerous affairs.”

But all is not lost, and all is definitely not found, as a keen eye over the regulations reveals some heartening fine print.

“The affairs are to be counted in what is called the Reverse Hancock. This means that frustrated, and overly sexed, MPs can conduct multiple affairs, so long as they’re aren’t on the same day. So theoretically an affair conducted on a Monday still counts as one, even if Tuesday and Wednesday and on, the affairs are with different people. It’s still just one. As the daily total is what counts, not the capacity.”

The UK’s transport tzar is said to be especially pleased, as concerns about masses of frustrated MPs driving to Barnard Castle to test their eyes, after so long in confinement, are now also relaxed.