Category: Tory Tory Tory

QUITE UPLIFTING : Whoever said philanthropy is dead hasn’t seen the great work being down currently to keep hungry British families hungry for more.

”We all know times are tough,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and not just because Boris Johnson is unable to take a foreign holiday. Some MPs haven’t been able to access the subsidised bars and restaurants at Westminster for months.”

And while most of the attention is focused on the privations suffered by MPs, some are wasting their time fretting over the lower orders.

“It’s not really for the government to go all nanny state and interfere in people’s life choices,” the source continues, “if people choose to be born poor and hungry that is their right in modern Britain. Imagine if government involved itself? Where would the spirit of enterprise go in the field of social mobility.”

Happily the concerns of the governing class can focus on more profitable areas, such as PPE contracts, after the private sector took over the exciting responsibility to stop people starving to death too fast.

“Some of us are rather uncomfortable with the food parcels that have replaced the food vouchers,” the source fretted, “particularly those of us who lobby for the tobacco industry! Ha!”

And the concerns are mounting over how to feed the nation’s hungry. Concerns about waste of taxpayer money.

“It’s all very well to feel noble dishing out half a British banana to feed a family of four for a week,” the source finished, “but it’s actually an egregious waste of money that could be better funnelled to other party donors. After all, UNICEF has already proven it will feed our huddled and starving masses for free.”

FURLOUGH THE FURLONGS : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is to address the most pressing concern across the United Kingdom this evening when he addresses the nation at 8pm.

While some nanny state minded types are handwringing over education and protecting the elderly, those with their finger on the real pulse of the nation’s elite are concentrating on more important matters.

“It is vital that we end the pandemic in time for the 2021 Cheltenham Festival,” the Prime Minister is expected to say, “while at times I have felt like Atlas struggling to hold an entire orb of Covid aloft, when it comes to kicking off the racing calendar I am to throw off the toga and become like Speedy Gonzales!”

He is expected to go on to pledge that a great national effort is called for “once more upon the beach, dear dad!” to end the pandemic once and for all.

“It is a race against time now to see who will win as we enter the closing stages. In the next few months everyone in the UK will have received either a shot, half a shot, something vaguely resembling a shot of a CV-19 vaccine, or caught Covid-19. Certainty is upon us! Let us lift up our faces to the heavens and drink in the rain of plenty! Tomorrow is a better day! Regardless of what I did to ruin today! Ha!”

To ensure the pandemic is wrapped up and the money banked by various vested interests a special task force will be set up.

“If necessary I will take personal control of Operation Cheltenham, but I have, for now, instructed Track and Trace to locate Dido Harding and she’s going to have first crack of the whip at it!”

WORLD BEATING : UK PRIME MINISTER, BORIS JOHNSON, HAS ONLY burnished his already fulsome reputation since taking office. It’s fair to say he’s built on the 10 years of Tory government since 2010, and now has a raft of world beating achievements.

“Full to the brim with success,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “we’re bursting at the seams. The cup over flows you could say. Thigh slapping stuff!”

The reason for the extra seasonal cheer is the successful negotiation between Her Majesty’s Government and UNICEF.

It was announced today that the 6th biggest economy in the world, with roughly 145 resident billionaires, has successfully negotiated for the United Nations programme to feed hungry British children.

“This will save us money that can be spent on nuclear weapons and the reimposition of anachronistic trading systems last seen decades ago.”

The food parcels will also free up additional public money that can be spent on PPE contracts to people who have Matt Hancock’s phone number, and pay rises for Dom.

But not everyone is happy about the gold standard deal negotiated with Unicef, that sees Britain once again headline news around the world – for the achievements under Mr Johnson.

“Liz Truss is a little put out. As she is the master negotiator.”

But Ms Truss need feel no ruffling of her feathers, as she only negotiates short term continuity arrangements, which will expire and allow our international partners to come back and have another go, when we’re really desperate. A hum, Brexit.

To mark the feeding of British children by Unicef the UK’s parliamentarians are expected to have a champagne Christmas dinner before going into recess until 2021.

“It’s moments like this that we all went into politics for,” a member of Mr Johnson’s cabinet told LCD Views, “knowing that David Cameron’s big society is now truly international.”

PLASTIC PATRIOTS ENRICHED : Downing Street has announced another world beating British first in the fight to prolong Covid-19 today with the decision to hold an award ceremony for the holders of PPE contracts.

“Everyone who believes they’re qualified for the PPE’s needs to Whatsapp Matt Hancock immediately,” a 10 Downing Street aide told LCD Views, “or mention it to Boris Johnson over lunch.”

The PPE’s will celebrate the biggest achievers in the receipt of non-tender process, no penalty clause PPE contracts.

“It will be an aspirational day which will inspire a new generation of British youngsters to become friends with Tory Party ministers. You never know when duty calls? Maybe when you’re running an insolvent paper cup factory? Maybe when you’ve recently stood down as a councillor and you’re at a lose end? There’s no end of opportunity if you have the right phone numbers saved in your smart phone. You just then have to wait for disaster to call.”

The award categories will be Gold, Silver and Bronze and set the standard for recognition of the ability to get rich quick from the public purse.

“There is discussions currently about whether or not to make the actual day of the ceremony a public holiday?” the aide mused, “I’m in favour of it. Like Covid, it will better help disguise the complete economic car crash looming in 2021 with Brexit.”

The hanging of bunting on the day will be encouraged and to be sure it’s patriotic it must be plastic.

“I’ve got a friend who can supply as much plastic bunting as you need? He’s currently staring at the closed shutters of his replica marble factory that’s just gone into administration…”

NOT JUST A PRETTY FACE : THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, RISHI SUNAK, IS SET TO PROVIDE ADDTIONAL STOCKING FILLERS TODAY WITH THE LAUNCH OF HIS FIRST CELEBRITY CALENDAR.

The calendar will have one theme for each month and feature Mr Sunak in a variety of dazzling compositions.

“No expense has been spared on the photography and design of the Sunak spreads,” an aide working on the product told LCD Views, “in fact we’ve put more effort into this than the entirety of the economic plan to cope with Brexit.”

January will kick off with Rishi standing disarmingly (but socially, and financially distanced) next to a bin fire and the tag line “We’re all in this together!”.

February will be Mr Sunak distributing bread at a food bank with a smile so innocent you’d never know he could have prevented it.

March will see Rishi as Atlas.

“The boulder on his back will look distinctly like Boris Johnson. But any suggestion this is a subtle play for the Tory leadership is mistaken. Rishi can just buy that.”

April will see a return to Mr Sunak’s most loved environment. Wagamamma’s.

“He’ll take a break from the casual, business chic attire for this one. He’ll actually be taking a leaf out of Johnson’s book and cosplaying as a fireman. The better to help the fire brigade crew fight the flames resulting from the Brexit food rioting.”

Details of the summer months are still under wraps, with the teasing suggestion they will have a playful, swimsuit theme.

The calendar does end officially in December, like usual, but as with some it has a bonus extra month for the following year. January 2022.

“This will focus on winter foraging for food and fuel supplies while enduring a trade embargo from Europe. Rishi will be pictured as King Cnut in this one. Feet in the rising waters and the people grub for grubs on a green and open landscape.”

Pre-order your calendar today and receive a free motivational coffee mug with it.

“That has ‘Brexit – Sunak will make a meal out of it!’ written across it.”

BULLY FOR YOU : THE PRITI PATEL BULLYING SCANDAL HAS BRIEFLY KNOCKED COVID-19 AVOIDABLE DEATH TOLLS OFF THE TOP OF THE NEWS CYCLE, which is nice.

The topping of the charts comes as a result of the long suppressed official inquiry into her behaviour being published.

“It’s a bloody shame it was printed on waterproof paper,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “Boris spent ages attempting to water it down but nothing worked. Not water, or later, when he was properly hammered, not Bordeaux. Then he had to give it up and go for lunch and some bloody fool published it.”

But it’s not bad news for Ms Patel, even though she’s found to have broken the Code of Conduct for Ministers.

She is receiving broad support from her colleagues, as Tory MPs engage in a craven, synchronised swim across social media. They’ve got her back, presumably so she doesn’t go behind theirs and give them wedgies.

One even revealed the depth of generosity of Ms Patel cut deep.

“Priti Patel has given me a total of five kidneys already. I can’t see how she could be a bully!”* One MP tweeted, presumably to separate themselves from the adoring crowd.

It has been noted though that no one who has worked under Ms Patel has expressed surprise at the charges proven against her.

“Some would think we don’t understand how bullies operate. But that’s nonsense, we’re all bullies. We know very well that you are polite to people who you judge to have equal or greater power than yourself, and you take that screaming inside out on anyone weaker. Not exactly a shock that so many people have only seen her sweet side. It’s a good thing the people she’s bullied are too nervous to speak out! Ha! Nerds.”

And to further secure Ms Patel’s validity in her post the source added,

“If the general public won’t punish us at the ballot box when we refuse to clean house, you can hardly expect us to have standards. Just look at who we made prime minister. You’ve only yourselves to blame. Now stick your head in the toilet and flush it. The sound you’ll hear swirling around as the bowl empties is the life blood of your democracy.”

*It is unclear where the five kidneys came from.

COME AND HAVE A GO IF YOU THINK YOU’RE HARD ENOUGH: To mark anti-bullying week, the government has announced a new world-beating-up anti-bullying champion. Who better than Priti Patel?

Well, almost anybody, really. But that never puts this government off its stride. Patel’s sheer unsuitability for the role makes her the ideal candidate.

Patel has been plagued by accusations of bullying for a long time. So, reasons officialdom, who better to counter bullying than a bully? It’s poacher turned gamekeeper. The Home Office wolf has donned sheep’s clothing, and concealed her iron fist inside a velvet glove.

Guidance has been issued on the Home Office website. There you will find a page headed “So, you think you are being bullied, do you?”

The guidance is uncompromising. It consists of a sequence of FAQs, which tend to be neither questions nor frequently asked. It starts, promisingly enough, with a section entitled “What is bullying, and how do I deal with it?”

The answer is stark. “Bullying is, traditionally, where a bigger boy beats you up and steals your sweets. In fact, this is a useful illustration of Capitalism in action. Grow a pair, and get used to it!”

Wise words, I think we can all agree.

But there is more to come. “My boss has criticised me loudly, publicly and unfairly. What can I do?”

The response is clear. “I’m sorry you feel that way. Strong leadership is to be admired. Up your game, snowflake.”

A section of helpful guidance is included. “I want to know what can be counted as bullying,” reads one non-question. The answer is nothing if not deeply unhelpful.

“The following actions are NOT considered to be bullying: Words, actions or physical contact designed to display strength or superiority. Being put in your place. Name-calling. Criticism of your work, opinions, or appearance. Asserting your position in the pecking order by belittling your inferiors. Bullying.”

Priti Patel will set a fine example to the nation.

NATIONAL EFFORT : THE BRITISH AEROSPACE sector has received a welcome boost with the announcement of a plan that will see billions invested and fast.

The industry was suffering the jitters as a result of Brexit, but with homegrown guts and can do it will all be alright.

“We’re going to relaunch Boris Johnson,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “what with Dom now gone, kinda, we believe it’s time for Mr Johnson to reset and lift off as the people’s prime minister.”

Although it’s not clear if Mr Johnson’s infectious popularity wouldn’t have just bounced back off its own bat, the new team advising the saggy old chap have decided to make sure.

“We’ve been focus grouping all weekend to find out what’s the best way to relaunch Mr Johnson and we’re actioning the most popular suggestion.”

This suggestion appears to be “launch him into the face of the Sun”.

“Drop him into the sea” was also popular, alongside of “ritual sacrifice in a volcano to end the pandemic”.

“We don’t have any active volcanoes in the UK currently, so while it would make great theatre to use some sort of tripwire device to deliver the PM into the inferno, it’s not a goer. But the Sun is right there just asking for it.”

And there’s no concern that the alleged exit of the Vote Leave gang will see the team bereft of a slogan.

“Check. Change. GO!” the aide grins, “that’s perfectly suitable for strapping the bloated old ram into a rocket powered ejector seat and launching him from College Green.”

IT TAKES A SPECIAL TOUCH : THERESA MAY made her mark on the cultural and civil landscape of the United Kingdom, before returning to the backbenches to glare balefully at the entitled little shits she helped elevate to power. But that’s not the sum total of her work nowadays, she’s also the founder of ‘The Theresa May Award for Compassion in Government”.

The award, dished out annually, is intended to celebrate politicians who continue Ms May’s legacy.

“Clearly hate is a prized asset for potential recipients,” our awards specialist notes, “if you can punish people based on accident of birth, while having the power to do the opposite, you’re in the running.”

Myopic vision. Low emotional IQ. Cunning. Sociopathy. Hypocrisy. A love of imagining vulnerable children crying. These are all seen as assets whenever it’s time to decide who will get the gong this year.

“We call it the Bleeding Heart, that’s the award’s nickname. Let no one tell you Theresa May doesn’t have a sense of humour! Just look at her sterling efforts with the Go Home Vans.”

And the winner of the award for 2020 certainly has all the required attributes to win the Bleeding Heart, and some would say, more to offer still.

“It’s the work she is doing with refugees that really focused the award committee’s one lone, roving eye onto Priti Patel. To be able to drive through such a pitiless policy, such an agenda devoid of historical memory for the horrors committed on others in decades past? That is some achievement.”

But there will be a change this year when Ms Patel stoops to collect her award.

“We’re going to have the crowd involved at the moment Priti wraps her hands around the coveted bleeding heart. The entire audience is going to shout in unison ‘We had a whole world war about this and everyone was invited!’. It’ll bring that touch of irony for which the British are famous.”

THE INTRINSIC VALUE OF HUMAN HYPOCRISY : Tory MPs are making themselves heard over the plans to bring in some kind of lockdown again in England.

Twitter, Facebook, the state broadcaster and various channels are currently constipated with swivel eyed Tory MPs demanding that people be allowed to die as nature intended. Even though the rules have clearly been redesigned to allow them to carry on living just as they like.

“Sometimes a virus comes to clear out the poor,” Des Face Eating Lizard MP said yesterday to a range of client journalists, “sometimes it does it really fast. Sometimes it’s a bacteria. That’s nature.”

And while some are aghast at how fully the mask has slipped from the Caring Conservatives, and their general disregard for human life, others are celebrating the possibility to use the schism for grift.

“All channels are also full of self-appointed experts who just don’t care if your parents die,” our burning planet analyst reports, “which is nice. I mean if you can make money peddling misinformation and conspiracy theories, that’s a damn sight easier than working for a living. You might even get elected to office. It’s a bloody puzzle while our country is in such a mess. Someone should look into it. And then legislate to stop it.”

But whether or not the growing rebellion in Mr Johnson’s party can be contained is about as clear yet as to whether or not school children will be made to stay in school long enough for worried parents to catch Covid.

“It’s a travesty,” a cabinet insider told LCD Views, “we’ve spent years working to destroy the UK economy with Brexit, and then fragment the country into its constituent parts. After that we’ll look for someone to blame. But we never foresaw Covid. It’s doing our work for us. Well more correctly, the mismanagement of it is doing the work of Brexit. What will be left for Brexit?”

I guess this is what you get when you elect disaster capitalists to office. Some just don’t want a quick disaster, some want it tantric. That’s where the smart money is.