Category: Tory Tory Tory

FULL TIME JOB : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is no stranger to rumours that he’s planning a cabinet reshuffle, although he never seems to get around to it. Which is hardly a surprise, given how full his schedule is of lunches and refurbishments.

“All talk and no action is the order of the day at Downing Street,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Word on the street is Mrs Johnson III is getting pretty fed up with all the talk of moving the 17th century antique cabinet from the living room and into the hall, but no action.”

Initially the delay in shuffling the furniture about the Georgian townhouse was debate over exactly where in the hall the cabinet should go? But that was eventually settled when Alexander grew bored of the endless discussion and told Carrie it can go wherever she wants. But he’s yet to get his thumb out and move it.”

And furnishings are not the only cause of strain. The Cabinet which theoretically governs the U.K. is also in need of a serious stripping back and polish, with defective old fittings replaced with newer replicas.

“A solution to that is now at hand though,” the source goes on. “Mr Johnson decided between courses last night to create an entirely new Secretariat to handle what is now the most time consuming area of government. Making excuses for shit Ministers.”

The new Ministry has the double advantage of allowing the Prime Minister to promote an unknown from the backbenchers while not creating any enemies in his A team.

“It’s likely the Ministry of Creating Excuses for Incompetence will be the largest of all the ministries. It’s no surprise that between Williamson, Patel, Raab, Eustice, Javid and the office of the prime minister itself the new Ministry will have no time for a beach holiday.”

The cost of the new ministry will be no surprise either.

“The initial budget will be £350m per week, but that is expected to rise rapidly.”

They should have written that on the side of the bus.

“Which is exactly the kind of mistake the ministry will be tasked with excusing.”

CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK : Wooden intellects doing wooden things is the focus in the United Kingdom this week, and the real world consequences of promoting dead wood to power.

The revelations that the current British political leadership is thick as two short planks has come as a surprise to people who’ve been in a coma for several years. To many though, it is not a revelation.

“It’s hard to imagine another administration would respond to a rapidly developing foreign policy calamity by going off on holiday,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “But we did. Our only job was to Get Brexit Done. The country can be governed from here on in by so called Serco, think thanks, tabloids and contrarians on social media. Our work is over. It’s time to kick up the heels and sip those pool side cocktails.”

And while a void for an Executive will please many, especially the shadowy figures who bankrolled Brexit, the British myth of itself seems to have been sorely challenged on a national level this week by failure in Afghanistan. Answers are being demanded.

Luckily Boris Johnson is still acting Prime Minister and has already responded to queries about how Dominic Raab came to be Foreign Secretary?

“I made him myself,” the PM shrugged, “and I can unmake him. With a hammer and a crowbar. Although I won’t if I don’t have to as I’m afraid of splinters. I had a few empty wine crates laying about after a bus making session and so I made a Raab. Then I painted a perpetually surprised expression on his face and put him in post.”

While the revelation that the Foreign Secretary is an inanimate object will solve the puzzle for many, some are not sure that’s the total story?

“How did he get that throbbing temple vein?” one commentator wanted to know.

“Woodworm,” the PM replied. “I wouldn’t worry though, there’s just a cavity inside his head. Once the worm burrows inside it’ll be free falling down through his hollow chest.”

CARING IS SHARING : Viral sensation Boris Johnson is to go ahead with a visit to a South London petting zoo in spite of testing positive for Bubonic Plague.

It had been expected that the Prime Minister would re-schedule the event, but insiders suggest it is to go ahead anyway because “otherwise he’ll be stuck at home listening to Carrie bang on about redecorating the nursery”.

The visit to Magic Pete’s Magic Animal Magicalarium is now a customary and annual feature of the Prime Minister’s diary and fits in neatly with visits to “anyone who is prepared to shower the Tory Party with money”.

The day long outing will also feature a ride on a miniature train railway with a billionaire “in the driving seat telling Mr Johnson when to shout toot toot!”. This is believed to be his real reason for the visit, although the obligatory photos will be taken with a range of “domesticated animals often covered in their own scat and other members of his cabinet”.

How exactly Mr Johnson came to be infected with one of the most famous diseases ever to plague humankind is not yet clear although some suspect his “visit to the Ministry of Defence’s Defence Science and Technology Laboratory in Wiltshire was probably where it happened”. It is rumoured Mr Johnson was left unattended during a fire alarm drill at the facility and began opening biohazard freezers to check if he’d ever forgotten a “sperm donation there”.

While there is a clear public health risk from the buboed PM mingling with the public while infectious with the Black Death, it is expected most of the media and political establishment will just shrug it off with the usual placebo of “It’s just Boris being Boris”.

The petty zoo animals will be exterminated after the visit, but that is not in the interests of public safety. Rather it’s because “the Home Secretary will personally oversee the event and really, really enjoy it”.

MIA BUT DEFINITELY IA : Rumours are flying around the Westminster village today that a senior and long standing Conservative Party MP is to leave politics and enter the commercial sector.

The news is doubly a surprise as Tory MPs usually manage to stay both in the government and any commercial sector they like these days, owing the complete deterioration of standards and accountability in UK governance. Which is nice.

While the MP concerned has not been named, speculation is rife that they don’t actually exist and this article has been written purely to highlight what appears to be alleged attempts to throw the law off the trail by various Government figures.

“We used Michael Gove for the article image because people are asking where he is. There’s no suggestion he’s actually supplying the burner phones. Although he may have used them long ago, given his self professed history of bringing the party to the party,” a senior fictional editor commented.

Burner phones have become a hot property in UK government circles recently, with Ministers finding they can get the best commercial advantages for the voters if the voters have no way of knowing what they’ve been up to.

“It’s about accountability,” one senior figure told LCD Views. “If you’re doing some potentially dodgy stuff with pals they need to know they can trust you to keep the heat off their tails. It’s about trust. The chumocracy can’t function unless trust is 100%. Usually of the ‘If I go down I’m taking you with me’ kind. It keeps everyone working together well.”

What the Mother of Parliaments will do about perceived loss of honesty, and potentially outright corruption in plain view in government, is anybody’s guess.

“Probably f all,” our editor suggests, “at least until the end of the summer recess. Nothing must stand in the way of a few weeks in the south of France to unwind after doing F all for another year. It’s nice work if you can get it.”

WHAT DREAMS MAY COME : Rumours are swirling inside, and outside, of a fictional Westminster village today that an imaginary version of famous humanitarian Priti Patel is putting pressure on famous restaurant advocate Rishi Sunak to tax the RNLI.

The completely fabricated rumour, which has no basis in established reality at all, has been dreamed up as a way of wondering how the senior Tory leadership are taking losing yet another culture war struggle?

“You know they’d like to do something about it,” a make believe analyst made believe. “The Woke keep handing them their arses. First hungry school kids, then footballers’ knees and now whether or not it’s right to stop other humans drowning at sea? Maybe a more severe attitude is required?”

It is reasonable to assume it’s certainly coming as a shock to the Johnson administration and its media gobshites to discover (on balance) the Great British public are not as vile as they want them to be, yet.

“Boris Johnson is a famous liberal. He’s liberalised food bank use. He’s liberalised use of racist tropes and denial of use of racism. He’s liberalised xenophobic attitudes to our nearest European allies. Why wouldn’t the liberalising influence of his style of politics influence attitudes to taxing charities who save people? So clearly we’re not talking about Eton, which appears to do the opposite.”

But critics inside the administration are blaming Mr Johnson himself for the ability of the RNLI to display the best possible face of the U.K. internationally.

“If he hadn’t ordered the aircraft carrier off to the other side of the world than we could moor it in the English Channel and the Home Secretary could personally supervise shouting ‘Go Home!’ at people often made refugees as a result of British arms sales. It’s incredibly shortsighted. Especially as the Yanks have now told us to take our big boat and go home ourselves.”

The search is now on in Downing Street for which culture war fight to pick and lose next?

“It’s almost as if the polling which shows altogether the British are progressive, just divided by an antiquated voting system and thus easily ruled by psychotics, is true,” our analyst notes.

THE PAST BEST LEFT UNEXAMINED : The news that Sheffield University Archaeology Department is the first to close as a result of the Tory government’s funding cuts to universities has the champagne corks hitting the ceiling at the Department of Education.

It’s long been recognised that the greatest contemporary threat to the kind of Britain Boris Johnson and chums want to create lies in the past. More specifically “learning from the past”. Near or far. Happily in Mr Williamson the PM has a willing foot soldier in the war against understanding, because “he understands nothing”.

The surface reasons given for the closure are government pressure to cut costs as a result of Tory changes to the way higher education is funded. Additionally there is pressure to cut student numbers to lower unpaid student debt levels, which is also the fault of Tory changes to the way universities are funded. But the big prize is not spending less money educating our nation’s children, but in what they will never learn.

“The girly swots did it to themselves,” a source inside the Department for Education told LCD Views. “Can you imagine the shock inside the Conservative Party when it was announced that in all probability Cheddar Man wasn’t white? The first Englishman wasn’t white? That’s a completely unacceptable discovery. So too the discoveries across Europe that ancient Europeans were generally a lot darker than we thought. Throwing in a pair of blue eyes is not sufficient to compensate for the trauma felt within the party ranks.”

It’s hoped the closure at Sheffield of a department ranked 12th in the world will show other universities which way they need to travel.

“Hopefully we can completely abolish the humanities, arts, useless sciences like archaeology and have universities which are solely focused on raising rents from students. That’s the ultimate aim.”

SWINGS AND ROUNDABOUTS : Alarming reports from the Westminster village today suggest that the UK’s world beating Prime Minister Boris Johnson is going to need a salve for knee burns.

While the notorious Casanova of British politics is allegedly no stranger to leg based injuries while chasing other people’s partners about, today’s injuries are of an entirely different nature.

“It’s fitting really,” one seasoned Westminster watcher commented, “the PM’s refusal to lend support to sportsmen taking one knee as a protest against racism how sees him down on both knees. Who could possibly have foreseen that it would come back to haunt him, as he and the Home Secretary emboldened the worst of the English population.”

Culture war blowback does seem to have been sudden and overwhelming after the English footballers lost the Euro2020 final on Sunday night and racists exploded across social media to attack them.

“It’s not fair really,” the watcher went on, “when all you want to do is loot the state with your mates and people expect you to be a government? And not only that, a government in the 21st century? Poor hand. The culture war was supposed to divide and rule the British people. But it seems turning it onto a young, professional, progressive, mixed ethnicity football team who espouse the best of English qualities has lead to some surprising blowback.”

In the PM’s defence, when he and his chums decided to bully the footballers they were hoping for a series of lewd, narcotic strewn stories to swirl around the team.

“Even that may not have been much help to Mr Johnson, had it occurred. Just look at the scandals surrounding the cabinet.”

We would wish the PM a speedy recovery from his self-inflicted burns, but that would be hypocrisy, and we’re not looking for a place in his government.

In an exclusive interview with lcdviews today, Lord Darth Vader made the staggering claim that the Death Star was originally nothing more than a plan to avoid tax. ‘It all began long ago in a far away galaxy when some of the richest men on a planet called Earth came up with what they thought would be a tax-loss generating idea whereby they’d build space ships solely for the shits and giggles.’

Apparently, the three men, now known only by their warrior names Amazon, Virgin and Elon the Strange, were approached by a wise accountant who suggested that relocating their sources of great riches ‘off-planet’ would put profits beyond the reach of any terrestrial tax regime. The accountant, whose name has been lost in the mists of time, said, ‘Zero taxes you will incur, if your cards right you play.’

Lord Vader continued, ‘After that it was a short step to building firstly a space station so that the three could spend the requisite time off-planet, and then to adding the little luxuries such as a swimming pool, Michelin starred restaurant, five star hotel, artificial ski slope and interplanetary death rays. This last innovation was a very useful addition to the scheme as it meant that not only did they avoid tax, but they were also able to charge it. Earth of course challenged this in the Courts but by obliterating a couple of minor countries, the new state, or ‘Empire plc’ as it became to be known, persuaded the Judges that they had a point.

Over the following millennia, the artificial planet grew and under careful management diversified from top end tourism for Earthlings to galactic domination. ‘One of the fundamentals of good business is to recognise the need for change,’ said Vader, ‘and to acquire and divest as appropriate. It is sad but inevitable that we had to divest a few planets on the way but we are were we are.’

Asked about rebel shareholders, Vader, after a few moments, produced from his cloak a strange looking object. ‘Have you seen my new cigarette lighter?’ he said.

WHATSAPP MATT FOR DETAILS : The United Kingdom’s ramped up Health Secretary Matt Hancock has rightly drawn a lot of attention over his world beating handling of the pandemic.

A famously modest public servant, Mr Hancock strives in silence and can always be relied upon to share the glory of his achievements with the NHS. You just have to look at how he allowed the NHS brand to be plastered all over Dido Harding’s £37bn outsourced, totally useless track and trace service to see that.

Many a lesser mortal would be happy to rest on their laurels now. To go quietly from public service to several corporate boardrooms, presumably of American private health companies, and wile away the days phoning up old government work colleagues. Not Matt. Not a man of his stature.

He is destined for greater heights still. The modern tradition of Tories failing upwards is certain to be the wind beneath his wings. As hot and fast an updraft as the smoke from a busy crematorium.

He may even make it to Prime Minister.

“He is now favourite too,” an source on the Conservative Party 1922 governing committee let’s slip to LCD Views. “Old Dom thought he was dealing Mr Hancock a mortal career blow when he revealed the Whatsapp screenshot of the PM’s performance review of the Health Secretary. Not so. He’s just the sort a party funded by maniacs seeking tax efficient arrangements demands.”

Totally F*cking Hopeless, that’s what the PM thinks of Hancock and events prove the veracity of the appraisal.

“By the time Boris Johnson is finished the leadershit of the Tories only someone of Matt’s calibre will want it.”

BIRDS OF A FEATHER : SUPER GENIUS DOMINIC CUMMINGS put in what many are calling a ‘World Beating’ performance today when he ramped up the palace coup against outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson by putting in his entry for the 2021 No Shit Sherlock Awards.

In a dazzling performance that broke the brains of many client journalists and professional sycophants Mr Cummings laid the blame for the UK’s shambolic pandemic response firmly at the door of Boris Johnson. And Matt Hancock. He did so with a series of illuminating statements.

“It wasn’t me Guv. I was there. But it was the fat kid” being a perfect body blow to the blubber of death in 10 Downing Street, previously famous for ridiculously priced wallpaper. Oh and Brexit. Oh and a garden bridge. Oh and a chumocracy that makes the eyes bleed.

Mr Cummings did occasionally deviate to kick in the teeth of Matt Hancock, as already stated. Noticeably absent was Britain’s next prime minister Michael Gove and Rishi “Eat Out To Die Out” Sunak. This is presumably because Dom needs them to think they’re safe from his sociopathic rage, so they also join in attacking Johnson.

But his stellar moment came when he lodged his entry into the No Shit Sherlock Awards.

“Boris, you know, he’s as shit as you think he is” Mr Cummings said, even if it took him six hours to say it. It was a shot at the title that few will come close to competing with, even though there are still many months left.

We asked the judging panel of the annual award for their reaction to Mr Cummings’ entry into the competition.

“He basically just said water is wet. But we’ll accept the entry. That’s the whole point of the awards.”

Boris is as shit as you think he is. So too, is Dominic Cummings. Let’s not get confused.