FULL TIME JOB : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is no stranger to rumours that he’s planning a cabinet reshuffle, although he never seems to get around to it. Which is hardly a surprise, given how full his schedule is of lunches and refurbishments.
“All talk and no action is the order of the day at Downing Street,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Word on the street is Mrs Johnson III is getting pretty fed up with all the talk of moving the 17th century antique cabinet from the living room and into the hall, but no action.”
Initially the delay in shuffling the furniture about the Georgian townhouse was debate over exactly where in the hall the cabinet should go? But that was eventually settled when Alexander grew bored of the endless discussion and told Carrie it can go wherever she wants. But he’s yet to get his thumb out and move it.”
And furnishings are not the only cause of strain. The Cabinet which theoretically governs the U.K. is also in need of a serious stripping back and polish, with defective old fittings replaced with newer replicas.
“A solution to that is now at hand though,” the source goes on. “Mr Johnson decided between courses last night to create an entirely new Secretariat to handle what is now the most time consuming area of government. Making excuses for shit Ministers.”
The new Ministry has the double advantage of allowing the Prime Minister to promote an unknown from the backbenchers while not creating any enemies in his A team.
“It’s likely the Ministry of Creating Excuses for Incompetence will be the largest of all the ministries. It’s no surprise that between Williamson, Patel, Raab, Eustice, Javid and the office of the prime minister itself the new Ministry will have no time for a beach holiday.”
The cost of the new ministry will be no surprise either.
“The initial budget will be £350m per week, but that is expected to rise rapidly.”
They should have written that on the side of the bus.
“Which is exactly the kind of mistake the ministry will be tasked with excusing.”