Category: Tory Tory Tory

SPILT MILKY GOVES : Is there now no honour among thieves? Gove is not keeping his powder dry today over claims Boris Johnson rigged the Tory Party leadership vote to ensure Gove was kept out of the final two.

“The only legitimate rigged vote is one in which I’m a winner!” Gove is rumoured to have slammed Boris, “we used to rig votes together.”

And it seems likely that the big winner of the taste of sour grapes will be Jeremy Hunt.

“Gove knows where Boris Johnson’s soft spots are,” our Westminster bubble insider advises, “he used that knowledge to destroy Boris in the leadership race in 2016 and you can bet your bottom dollar he’s already phoned Jeremy Hunt to offer his services now.”

But the alleged gerrymandering of the Tory leadership vote by the Johnson team, to ensure Boris kept out anyone who thought had a snowflake’s of beating him, is really just fitting for who will be the next to lead Brexit Britain.

“It all began with a corrupted vote in 2016, so perhaps we’ve come full circle and now it will end as a result of another one?”

Reasons to be cheerful right there. Blue on blue action in the Tory camp, which desperately needs unity to pull through. It’s mirrored by the clear Red on Light Red going on inside Labour, just as the country needs unity there too. What a fucking omnishambles is Brexit.

”Boris can’t keep a promise,” our fictional insider adds, “not to anyone, judging by his actions. Not to his wives, lovers, employers, or the country. So let’s just settle back as the country slowly sinks and see what cards the latest underhand dealing leaves him holding. He’s likely to have to keep promises to Brexiters. Good luck with that! Reality holds the ace.”

And as for Gove? He’s guaranteed to be selecting his sharpest knife today and taking out the voodoo doll of Boris he keeps in his drawer. He’ll be twirling the point of the blade in the centre of the back.

There’s only one winner in all this. It isn’t the country, but in late July, for just one day, it might be Jeremy Hunt.

IT’S NOT ABOUT THE BELLY : Great news that the Tories have whittled down their leadership race to a choice of two middle aged, wealthy, white men to exactly mirror the majority of their membership. Then approximately 0.2% of the population gets to vote on who will be the next prime minister. Democracy, innit! Taking back control from the plebs!

Still, the race itself started with diversity, an unprecedented number of Jeremy Hunts, from varying backgrounds (mostly varied by the degree of obscurity they hailed from), threw their hats into the ring.

The Tories were up to the challenge though and have successfully selected the two biggest Jeremy’s to fight for the chance to finally kick the country right in the Jeremy Hunt.

This will be done by obliterating the NHS, our international reputation, economy, liberties and if they get really lucky, they’ll get to frack what’s left of the environment.

It’s a startling contest and you’re the prize!

One of the Jeremy Hunts appears to be more clownish than the other, but underneath the bumbling exterior is an overtly racist Jeremy.

Another of the Jeremy’s is married to a foreigner from either Japan or China, depending on whether you ask Jeremy Hunt, or her.

Whereas The other Jeremy has an unknown and apparently unspeakable amount of little Jeremy’s running about. Whether he’s lost count or doesn’t care to count, who can say? It’s not really your business how many illegitimate children the next prime minister has fathered. Well, fathered in the sense of sperm donation.

None of this is very helpful. People who have chosen to write on the subject are aware there are only so many times you can use Jeremy Hunt before it becomes offensive. And it already is.

But now, with one Jeremy having a name that’s an American euphemism for a cock, and the other Hunt being rhyming slang for a traditional British insult, we feel a little overwhelmed by Jeremy Hunt’s ourselves, and none of them of the natural kind.

So let’s all grow up together and take the contest as seriously as the biggest Hunt in it is likely to do. So, not very seriously at all. Good luck. We’re all going to need it, as the biggest of the two Hunts looks certain to win.

Top Tory Brexiters have become even more offensive today as they take the fight to avoid personal accountability for the clusterfuck the Tory leadership race is direct to Brussels.

”It’s the EU’s fault for forcing Westminster to hold the 2016 EU referendumb in the first place,” A Piercing-Idiot told LCD Views, “and now for forcing us to hold a leadership contest because of their intransigence. They’e made us look like complete prats.”

The EU is far from perfect, but endangering our central place in the power structures of the largest trading bloc on Earth? By forcing David Cameron’s hand? Lest he lose a few more votes to deluded racists? And now forcing the Tories to change leader with Brexit dying on its feet?

Well, that’s not cricket. We can see why the Tories are enraged.

“It’s the French and the Germans, they’ve never gotten over Britain defeating them in two world wars and one world cup.”

And Peircing-Idiot isn’t alone.

Figel Barrage.

Jacob Reeks-smogg.

Iain Duncan Isacompleteidiot and numerous others who would have been for appeasement in the late 1930’s are gearing up to make sure everyone in the U.K. knows exactly who is to blame for Boris Johnson looking like a total pillock.

”Whose fault will it be when we install an absolute sociopath who thinks poor people starve because they’re too lazy to hunt?” Piercing-Idiot wanted to know.

“Whose fault will it be when we refuse to negotiate and stick to our new red lines that intentionally contradict the legal treaties and agreed principles of the EU? Making it impossible for them to give us a deal? It’s not like we want a complete disaster to profit from.”

Good questions.

”Whose fault will it be when we ration bread and aspirins and the police die of exhaustion stopping hoodies raiding LIDL?”

I think you can stop asking the questions now Piercing-Idiot. We will know exactly whose fault it is.

FINGER TO LIPS : “Just don’t speak” is the advice being proffered to the five remaining Tory leadership contenders, after last night’s televised debate.

“If we all go into hiding together then we can’t screw up becoming prime minister,” Michael Gove is rumoured to have said, “perhaps we could form a coalition and govern together? As chums. Light a fire and sing some songs?”

Boris Johnson is believed to have considered the idea, thinking it would make him look like a leader, as the other four would be following his earlier lead in the campaign.

“If it’s a walking escape then I’ve got a map and a compass,” Rory Stewart, Weyland-Yutan’s missing link between the Ash and Bishop androids (made famous in the early Alien films) was heard to respond, “I even know a great cave we can hide in. It has eggs inside. We won’t go hungry.”

Sajid Javid didn’t say anything. He was said to be searching his childhood memories for something relevant to say.

And as for Jeremy Hunt? He’s said to have offered to lead also, saying he would walk backwards and all the others had to do was “look into my eyes, don’t look anywhere but my eyes” and they’d be safe.

It’s a good idea. After the shouting match by the men who knew too little it’s clear that the phrase “a government of all the talents” will not be used again in the UK anytime soon.

What is certain is that the less they speak the better now and the next Prime Minister of the United Kingdom may well be someone who wasn’t in the room last night at all.

Happy trails boys. Just start walking. You’ll be doing us all a favour.

A FLASH WAR OF WORDS: Tory leadership frontrunner Boris Johnson MP is expected to give a major speech on immigration, in the coming weeks, to counter the accusation that he’s just a little bit racist, sometimes.

“I’m not a racist, but I love language that brings the plaster down from the ceiling” is the anticipated opening line in what is anticipated to be a barnstorming speech of Churchillian proportions, if Churchill was an irresponsible, serial adulterer with an exceptionally loose relationship to that hot blonde known as the truth.

“Truth and me, we’re friends with benefits,” Boris is also expected to say, “I shag her senseless and get out of dodge while she sleeps! Waa haa!”

Other lines in the speech are rumoured to be taken from Mr Johnson’s catalogue of classic race focused material.

Such memorable words like when he dallied with Islamophobia, and the encouragement of it, by calling women in burqas “letterboxes” and “bank robbers”. A classic right wing riff that’s really playing to the gammon in the gallery.

And no one can forget his amazing Telegraph column in 2002 in which he wrote :

“regular cheering crowds of flag-waving piccaninnies” and “the tribal warriors… [who] all break out in watermelon smiles”.

But he’s not without the human touch for his fellow men and women, no matter what border there is to cross.

Don’t ever forget his deeply moving words about the victims of the Libyan civil war when he said :

“The only thing they’ve got to do is clear the dead bodies away and then we’ll be there,” he declared, believing once all those irritating corpses were cleared away the location could be the “next Dubai”.

Perhaps he would have been a little more circumspect and brushed with humanity if those dead bodies were in a country a little more white? We can’t know.

Then there’s the casual dismissal of the risk of violence in Northern Ireland. The old colony ought to no its place. What value does anyone who is prepared to risk death and disorder there via No Deal place on the lives of the Irish?

In fact he’s got so much material to draw on to prove he’s not a racist, but, we’re going to share an article below that lists the lot.

https://www.newstatesman.com/politics/uk/2019/06/boris-johnson-s-racist-insults-dog-whistles-and-slurs

Boris means Boris. Boris backs Brexit. Brexit is a project championed by Nigel Farage, a man happy to mimic 1930’s fascist propaganda on a poster during the Brexit referendum campaign.

Is Boris a racist? Or is he just a deeply irresponsible demagogue happy to use the language? Does it matter if there’s a difference if he encourages racism with his words and deeds? It’s not going to make any difference to the people voting for the next prime minister. And that’s a situation that puts a massive but after the values traditionally espoused by the United Kingdom.

As the race to find our next hapless Prime Minister completes its first lap, more details have emerged about the televised debate that will take place between the final two candidates.

The BBC have announced who will chair the debate, and in a break from tradition, the job will go to Jeremy Kyle.

“We wanted someone who was used to holding his own amongst such a high level of backstabbing, lies and manipulation,” producer Dee Bates explained. “None of our usual presenters have quite the right training in that, but Jeremy just seemed perfect.”

It comes at just the right time for Kyle, whose long-running ITV show was recently axed. When asked for comment, he replied:

“It’s a challenge and no mistake. I know I’m used to dealing with family feuds and paternity suits and all that backstabbing, but the majority of today’s tory politicians are a whole different level of human scum.”

He subsequently confessed to calling Jerry Springer for additional advice on the matter, although what his American counterpart said to him he is keeping firmly under his hat for the time being.

“I’ll tell you that after the debate,” he added, with a grin.

To provide additional commentary, the BBC have also enlisted the help of David Attenborough, whose experience of observing wild animals is second to none.

“David is just the man we need for this,” Dee Bates added. “He can interpret the behaviour of wild animals, so he should be able to make some sense of the leadership candidates.”

The combination of Jeremy Kyle and David Attenborough must rank as one of the most unlikely television pairings of all time, indeed this reporter can’t think of anything to beat it.

The debate will take place on june 16th.

GO ON, HAVE A BITE : Evil Queen of Cheshire, Esther McVey MP, has hit out hard today at the foreign aid budget, wasted all around the world feeding, schooling, medicating people and suggested the money could be much better spent at home.

“On me,” a source inside McVey’s campaign to be PM told LCD Views, “well, on Esther of course. On making her look good. Have you seen the horror show that faces her in the mirror each day? She asks it who is the fairest and it’s always someone else.”

The redirection of the foreign aid budget to making Esther appear wholesome, and just a little bit saucy, is thought to be a much better spend then stopping some child in a distant land starving.

“She’s prime meat for the gammon market,” the source continued, “sweaty, red faced middle aged men, they love a bit of bigotry sauced up with a flash of leg.”

Other uses for the foreign aid budget under McVey’s reign are also sketched out.

“Snow White is dead. That’s a first order. The massive, gigantic, monumental 0.7% of the UK budget spent making sure some child doesn’t die of dysentery would be much better spent sending palace guards out to find Snow White and drag her back to Esther’s castle.”

Red apples will also require funding. So too the closing down of a mine.

“Only little blue collar people work in it. Esther can’t actually see little people. They would be better spent carrying her litter about the land?”

And of course, the Evil Queen would require a full time personal, professional photographer and not the ad hoc one that she’s spent thousands of taxpayer’s money on in the last few years.

“You’ve got to look good in this game, or people won’t take you seriously. Just look at Mark Francois.”

In a modern political age where integrity is a fairy tale, McVey is a fairytale queen.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall who’s the most hypocritical one of all?” Would be a better question for McVey to ask each day.

GEOGRAPHY SPECIALIST : The man who discovered the lost city of Dover, in a freakish moment of geographical revelation, has announced he has embarked on a new expedition to cover himself in more glory.

“I aim to uncover the door of 10 Downing Street,” hard thinking adventurist, Dominic Raab, told a sparsely attended press conference, “some say it can not be found by me. Or that if I do it would be foolish to enter it right now, with the dark star of Brexit in the sky. But I have more ambition than that. I have a buccaneering spirit that protects me from reality.”

In order to better his chances of success he has also looked back to history.

“History is littered with lost and dead adventurers. Men who led their teams off the beaten track never to be seen again,” he added, “I will do better than that. With me at the helm we can vanish without trace! And I am reaching back into history to guide myself and my team of energetic amateurs to glory.”

There followed lines about national humiliation and renewal that were uttered by men famous for seeking new territories in the late 1920’s and 1930’s. Which seemed more than unwise to us. Actually incredibly irresponsible. And proof of the veracity of the headline to this article.

Also more than a little clueless. He talks about the UK being humiliated in talks with the EU, when he led the talks that led to the humiliation he’s so upset about? He really is in search of reality.

“When we break down the 10 Downing Street door and enter our journey will only just have begun,” he added, “the ancient cup of Brexit awaits within and I will seize it.”

He mustn’t have heard that all who seize it perish. Or he’s too self-admiring to understand if he holds it he’ll go the same way.

“Competency is no barrier to elevation. I am proof of it.”

At least he got that right. Good luck Raab, with your talents, you’re going to need it.

ALL THAT SLITHERS : Tory favourite to replace Theresa May as Brexidiot in chief, Michael Gove, has taken a bold risk today by demanding he’s judged on his record in government.

”He did what?” our Court of Public Opinion correspondent asked, “he’s nuts. He actually said that? Himself? I mean that’s insane. Has he seen his record in government? Someone should show it to him. He’ll spend the rest of his days in prison if he’s judged on it. What a lunatic.”

The bold play is believed to be part of Michael Gove’s enduring love of saying something clearly insane in the expectation that if you say it with enough confidence no one will question you.

”It’s questionable if the people have had enough of experts, as an overwhelming majority did not vote for Farage the other week,” our correspondent muses, “but the people have definitely had enough of men like Michael Gove. Experts at all the worst instincts.”

How Gove expects to survive to the finish of the Tory leadership contest with this play is not entirely clear.

”Even his own colleagues will send him down for life on this basis. He’s stabbed so many in the back. And the front. And the side. I guess when you’re entirely conscience free it’s easier to move on and pretend you’ve left a trail of roses in our wake? And not the corpse of sensible governance.”

Whatever his colleagues in the Tory Party make of his request, the court of public opinion has already delivered its sentence. A justifiably harsh one, pending appeal, to make it even harder.

NEVER MIND THE BARNET : Boris Johnson is rumoured today to be going to the barbers again to get a new hairstyle to hoover up the youth vote.

“It’ll take the wind right out of young Rory’s sails,” an aide to Britain’s first prospective prime minister to be summoned to trial while on campaign said, “he’s thinking either a mullet or a mohawk. A hairstyle that’ll show the kids how hip he is but also trigger nostalgia in older voters.”

Which one he goes for won’t be clear until he premieres it with a high production video release later in the week.

“We’re going to film the action in the barbers in a fly on the wall style documentary. A stunt man will play the really tricky parts, like shutting up when the barber is using a razor to shave the sides of his scalp.”

Plans to go further and have tattoos added to the side of his head have been binned though due to problems with the design.

“It was felt sensible to go Viking, you know, Ragnor Lothbrok style, with Boris Johnson’s story tattooed alongside his head, but then we started storyboarded his life’s journey so far and it was quickly apparent we’d have to lie too much. It wasn’t clear the ink would take to adultery and just an epic amount of bullshit.”

How the other contender for the Tory crown, Rory Stewart, will respond to this naked bid for his core voter base is not yet clear.

“Little Matt is already doing parkour and indoor cricket. Rory is on his walkabouts, seemingly a sensible chap, but still promising Brexit, so actually completely insane, just like the rest of them. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he hits back at Boris with a nose piercing.”

Rumours that Dominic Raab is going to outdo the new Boris barnet with an epic session of planking are thought viable, because he’s already thick as two planks, so why not play to his strengths?