Category: Tory Tory Tory

Phwoooarrr Dominic Raab! The man with the pulsing vein and the unblinking stare is the hero in the Daily Telegraph’s serialisation of Send For Nurse Thatcher!

LCD Views’ Erotic Friction correspondent checked out the literary merits of the work, while chronicling the once-proud Telegraph’s descent into the gutter and beyond.

In this magnum opus, dominant Dominic chances upon a seemingly ailing maiden. He takes her in his manly, chiselled arms and fixes her with that seductive, unblinking stare. She swoons again as the vein in his temple pulses in time with the beat of her giddy heart. “Nurse!” called dom Dom. “Nurse Thatcher! Bring some of Maggie’s Magic Monetary Mixture!”

“Take that!” cried Nurse Thatcher, forcing a bitter pill down her throat. “It will hurt in the short term, but it will do you good! Dom, I’ll see you later. Don’t forget the gimp mask again, or six of the best will be the least of your worries!”

“Oh dum Dum, my saviour!” gasped the fair maiden. “I’m quite literally burning up, will you douse my flames? I want to make every single vein in your body pulse uncontrollably! Take me, take me, take me to freedom and the sunlit uplands!”

“You want sovereignty? I’ll give you sovereignty!” said dum Dum, standing up even straighter. “I will strike fear into you! Hang on, that’s not quite right, is it? Anyway,” he continued, vein pulsing, eyes bulging, glancing nervously at a handwritten document from Boris Johnson entitled ‘How to do it’. “Anyway, you said you wanted this, so let’s get it done before your husband gets home!”

No fair maiden in her right mind could resist such passionate overtures, but after several minutes of frenzied fumbling, the truth dawned upon the maiden. “You don’t know what you’re doing!” she stated. “And I can hear my husband parking his car! Quick, I’ll sneak you out of the back door!”

“The back door?” mused Dominic. “I never grasped the significance!”

Send For Nurse Thatcher! continues to be serialised in the Telegraph every bloody day for the rest of your life.

MOON SHOOTS PM : The Chairman of Conservative Party 1922 committee has confirmed tonight that he has already received the 48 letters of no confidence in Boris Johnson required to trigger the next Tory Party leadership election.

But while the forward thinking action on behalf of the last remaining shreds of anything approaching sanity in the Party is no surprise, allies of Boris Johnson have been quick to point out the flaws in the mad scheme to dethrone the presumptive mad king.

”He may not even get to be prime minister,” Mr Bungle MP said, “so don’t go getting carried away with no confidence motions. At least until he’s taken office and declared on day one that he’s going to raise the Titanic and conquer Suez.”

And the prospect of Boris even making it to Downing Street was raised again elsewhere today as another Tory MP was lost due to gross crimes.

The slowly draining swamp that the party has become continues to drain itself for want of an official opposition that doesn’t also want Brexit, and so could, throw it out of office, if it didn’t actually also want Brexit.

“Will Boris Johnson even have a majority by the time he is declared party leader? Good question. Possible but not certain,” Mr Bungle added, in a surprising display of clarity, “let’s not presume Hunt will beat him. Ghastly man. Doesn’t even know where his wife is from.”

All the while the letters of no confidence in a man not even in office yet continue to pile in.

”It’s merely so the history books reflect them not backing the move that finally destroys the grand old party of British politics,” Bungle added, “and this after they’ve spent three years facilitating this bollocks. Well, you won’t find my letter in the pile. Unless, and I want to make this absolutely clear, unless I don’t get a job in cabinet after Boris moves his girlfriends into number 10.”

When the chips are down, the fish must rise, according to Jeremy C. Hunt. This is what distinguishes a true leader from an also-ran.

The Tory leadership race is getting less and less exciting as it approaches its climax. There was a brief interlude when Hunt, if not exactly winning, was not exactly losing either, and the race briefly started to look interesting. Then Boris Johnson pulled a kipper out of a hat and that was that.

“I wish I had thought of that,” mused a downcast Hunt, to anybody still paying him attention in the name of balance. “I was closing the gap, well Boris was making a complete arse of himself as usual, and I was in with a sniff. If only I had waved a fish in the air at that point, the keys to Number Ten would be as good as mine!”

The future of the Conservative Party, the success (or otherwise) of Brexit, and the security of the UK all come down to this. Who has the imagination, the chutzpah, the sheer courage to wave a fish in the air?

“The British voting public have airways appreciated a fishy stunt,” carped commentator Rod Andlyne. “The fish slapping dance, for example. Michael Palin was pushed into Teddington Lock by the Hand of Cod. He fell off his perch, and now he’s a national treasure!”

Floundering a little, he continued. “Trout means trout!” he said, rising to the bait. “Boris is a big fish in a very small pond. Hunt is a minnow by comparison. The Tories have fallen for it, hook, line and sinker. Boris just needs to finish reeling them in. He’s having a whale of a time!”

Hunt’s stunt trouble has cost him dearly. He is clearly just a prawn on a very large chessboard. The Tory leadership race is a very fishy business.

DONE UP LIKE A KIPPER : The favourite to replace Theresa May as the UK’s worst living prime minister, Boris de piffle Alexander the not great Johnson, took to the stage of the final Tory leadership hustings last night holding his target voter.

“He’s been getting geographical advice from Dominic Raab,” a disgruntled audience bloater (who bizarrely is expecting sensible government to return via his party) grumbled, “he was banging on about EU red tape and its impact on an Isle of Man fish smoker, but the Isle of Man is neither in the EU nor the UK. It’s a crown dependency. So what’s the relevance of that? Except to show that our exporters are going to have a harder time out of the EU? Which they won’t. Because we’re Global Britain and the world’s most powerful trading bloc will clearly just lie down before us if we just believe in Brexit enough.”

Suspicions that waving the smoked herring about the stage was simply a misleading and irrelevant distraction have followed the stunt, but also concerns over the UK’s supply of dead cats.

“It makes a change from throwing a dead cat on the table,” the bloater sighed, “maybe Donald Trump has used up this week’s international supply of racism?”

All that said, the red herring was well received by most audience members, as reality is no longer necessary.

“By waving one of us on stage he shows how much he cares about kippers,” a kipper kippered, “we just have to believe in Boris and the whole of the UK will be done up like a kipper. Which will be nice.”

ONLY 0.3% OF VOTERS ARE BUYING IT : The Tory leadership contest has been referred to trading standards today over use of the word “leadership”.

”All these sales documents are dodgy,” Mr Demo Cracy, who initiated the complaint, says, “and the terms and conditions, the fine print, is lifted straight off fraudulent timeshare scam brochures from the 1970’s. The imagery is from a pizza takeaway firm. It’s amazing anyone is falling for it.”

Both the key figures in the contest are central to the complaint.

”We should really be complaining about the use of the word ‘contest’ too,” Mr Cracy continued, “What contest? From what we understand the result has already been decided in some backroom deal between the organisers and some chap who sells sugar.”

Trading Standards themselves have been so slow to comment, only admitting they are investigating the sales literature and checking if anyone who has signed up to the firm concerned actually understands what they’re getting.

”Maybe it’s just a massive trolling exercise by Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt?” Demo asked, “they could have been inspired by the great work done by Led By Donkeys and decided to help out. Prove the whole system of government, especially the choosing of the next prime minister, is a sham. But that’s being excessively optimistic. More likely it is just a sham. And a poo. But not the combined helpful kind.”

The Conservative Party itself has responded to the complaint though. It has said it is a con job, but what do you expect? It’s what their name starts with.

That honesty is refreshing, but it hardly makes up for the apparent inability to provide anything even loosely resembling leadership by whichever clown wins the contest.

THE HERITAGE ACT : Jeremy Hunt and Boris Johnson are trading increasingly generous promises as the Tory leadership contest advances. Daily they up the ante on one another in a bid to appeal to the 0.3% of the population that will decide who next sits on the jelly throne.

While Boris is focusing mostly on distracting infrastructure ideas, buildings and bridges that will never be (which doesn’t mean that his chums in the architectural and legal trades won’t get to fill their boots in the planning), alongside promising paybacks to his backers, Jeremy Hunt has today sought to outflank Johnson by going straight to the nostalgic heart of the Tory Party.

The good old days. The nineteenth century.

“The Factory Act of 1819 limited the hours a child could work to twelve hours a day,” Hunt educated the press corp, “but the liberal, leftie, quinoa munching, snowflake hippitards weren’t happy with even that. That was the thin edge of the wedge. Eventually they would eradicate child labour altogether. Productivity suffered. The wealth of the nation suffered. Children learning a trade straight off the potty was tradition. Where now the noble chimney sweep? The matchmaker? The knocker-upper? It’s part of our heritage. I’m going to bring it back!”

And he’s not stopping there.

“Universal suffrage has delivered us Brexit,” he continued, “this is what happens when women are distracted from caring for their families, the noble domestic path, and when people who weren’t educated at fee paying schools are allowed to vote. 52% was a narrow margin of victory, only achieved through cheating and ridiculous promises. I aim to drive women back into the home. To drive poor children back into employment for wealth creation. To unclutter their minds so that when we hold referendums on abolishing the ban on fox hunting, on bringing back hanging and on dissolving parliament, on eradicating universal suffrage, well, with a sufficiently uneducated population the margin of victory could be as high as 80%!”

Ambitious plans indeed.

But Boris wasn’t going to let Hunt have it all his own way on the nostalgia card.

“A steam locomotive for every home!” he declared, while navigating a hedge to escape a reporter, “and the return of cardboard shoes for redcoats. I’ll make them myself!”

If this is where they are today, with some weeks left, what will they be promising tomorrow?

The return of the Witchfinder General?

GREAT GIANT PANTS FIRE BATMAN : Astronauts manning the International Space Station have released photos today to verify their claim the Tory leadership race is visible from space.

”While it appears to be just a single pair of flaming buttocks,” Doctor Astro Nought explained, “it’s in reality a massive conflagration. What you can see is Brexit, Boris Johnson’s never ending pants fire and Jeremy Hunt’s claim to have a heart.”

The fire itself has been burning since the 23rd June 2016, but over recent months has grown in strength and size as it consumes all available oxygen in the United Kingdom.

”It’s not exactly clear if the United Kingdom still exists,” Doctor Astro continued, “it’s somewhere in the ring of fire, between the two cheeks, but we haven’t had a clean image of the country since David Cameron resigned and Theresa May took his place as the big Brexit patsy.”

And the future of space photography of Blighty currently looks even more doubtful.

”The sheer volume of lies being uttered daily by any Brexit, and Lexit, promoting politician means that more and more pant’s fires are joining into the great big one that Boris Johnson sustains, much in the manner of a human candle.”

The scientists are aware they may face some blowback from pro-Brexit forces for releasing the photos, but they’ve done so in the public interest.

”What are they going to tell us to do? Leave and leave now? We’re already in space. This is the situation as visible from beyond the U.K. It’s what they claim to want. They have to deal with it. We just hope the fire can be contained before both cheeks explode like volcanoes.”

TRICKLE UP ECONOMICS : JOHNSON AND HUNT are on the same page when it comes to tackling the scourge of modern Britain which is social mobility. How to keep the bloody serfs in their place?

To answer this pernicious puzzle the pair have reached out to the overwhelming majority of the population that will choose one of them to be the next prime minister, with the promise of tax giveaways.

But they have hit by an an unwelcome, and unhelpful, barrage of criticism by an unelected, meddling technocrat at the unaccountable UN.

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/jun/27/un-rapporteur-tax-cut-plans-of-both-johnson-and-hunt-a-tragedy

“The proposed tax cuts for the rich will trickle back down anyway,” a Torycentric economist explained, “the extra income will be spent on additional champagne towers which, after consumption, will trickle back down on the poorest, via the country’s urinals. You can thus describe the proposals as progressive. Everyone will feel them over time.”

Quite how the tax cuts will aide either possible Tory PM in also meeting their pledge to spend more on the NHS and education hasn’t been answered, yet.

“You don’t need to answer that. It’s obvious. People will spend more on the NHS and education as we continue the steady encouragement of privatisation into both. The taxpayer will spend more directly, thus tax spending on them will increase. We will just sensibly remove the middle man, ourselves, to achieve it. See? It couldn’t be easier. I don’t know why no one has thought of it before.”

And increasing equality among the wealthiest in society will be necessary if the country is to be readied for its post Brexit future.

“Those private security firms aren’t going to pay for themselves,” the economist added, “once we privatise the food bank sector and begin charging for food parcels. Wealthy shareholders will need to employ armed guards to transport food about, much in the way we currently do with money. In fact, if the promise of Brexit is fully realised, food will be money, that or your poor man’s flesh.”

If you’re part of the 0.3% of the population choosing the next prime minister, it’s all just grift for the mill. And underscoring the Conservative Party’s reputation of fiscal responsibility.

WELL DO YA, PUNK : As a result of Boris Johnson being too busy with arts and crafts to exchange verbals, the other contender for Tory leader, Jeremy Hunt, decided to exchange words with a terrified country instead.

Last night on Twitter the distant relative to Queen Elizabeth II found himself fielding questions on his Brexit Tory power stance.

The session was an illuminating one, with Mr Hunt relentless in the pursuit of dangerous idiocy.

And when asked about recent comments he made regarding his willingness to put a bullet clean through the head of the U.K. economy on October 31st, if necessary, Hunt had his pistol drawn, mostly in crayon but with some charcoal shading for effect.

“The country’s small and medium sized businesses will have to ask themselves a simple question,” Dirty Jeremy responded, “Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya punk?”

A subsequent question as to why he was quoting Dirty Harry yielded a .45 calibre response.

“I’m prepared to blow the heads of jobs clean off,” he said, “although who actually keeps and loses their job will be a question of whose feeling lucky. Did we fire all our extension requests, or do we have one left?”

A good question indeed. And one the unknown answer to is causing a lot of anxiety.

“Brexit is the most powerful economic weapon in the world, it could blow this country’s head clean off,” he reprised, just in case anyone didn’t get the message the first time.

”We don’t know what the EU will do if we pull the trigger on a No Deal Brexit come October 31st, but I’m feeling lucky.”

Feeling lucky is about the only policy the Brexit cheerleaders have ever had, but it’s a dangerous way to attempt to run a country.

ALL MESSED UP : Boris Johnson has hit back at criticism today that he doesn’t bother his pretty little head with the details of the subjects he talks about, in particular the most pressing one, Brexit.

“As Jupiter perpetually studying my Uranus,” Boris told the BBC, “I take the greatest, just the most severe care, to appreciate every wrinkle, every pinch point, all the multifaceted facets of the great circle of creation that is both my anus, where I keep my head, and Brexit.”

But pressed on the matter by a reluctant BBC interviewer, he was forced to underline his commitment to understanding his briefs.

“And let me say it’s not just my own briefs I take great pleasure in understanding. I also strain every sinew, every tendon, every limb and muscle to understanding how to get the briefs off any passing filly that catches my eye. To accuse me of lacking seriousness is to fail to appreciate the sheer volume of energy, of vim and verve I put into myself and my public image.”

And with that he found the clinching argument.

“The great British people just have to look at me jogging to see that the fitness of my character matches my physical fitness,” he finished, “and let me tell you, when I look in the mirror, constantly, I see a man who spares not the horses. I see a man who puts as much effort into details of his own hairstyling as he does into understanding the finer points of Brexit.”