Category: Tory Tory Tory

WHAT MAKES YOU GREEN AT THE GILLS : Exciting news for people who like a good political stink today with the announcement that short serving premier Boris Johnson has bottled it.

“It’s the smell of a Luxembourg press conference combined with facing parliament,” our resident ‘nose’ reports, “just one whiff and you’ll be whisked away to a place of stale jockstraps, discarded for the maids, toast racks and chaps laughing like hyenas. And of course, the ever mounting fear of failure at home.”

The bottle itself has been carefully designed to reflect Mr Johnson’s successes since succeeding Theresa May as the UK’s most useless, and damaging, prime minister.

“The bottle is entirely transparent and in the shape of a number six,” our nose continues, “although this can be inverted into a nine, for when Mr Johnson completes his next day of parliamentary business. Whenever that will be, we can not know of course. But it was thought it wouldn’t be necessary to make editions of seven and eight. He’ll go straight to nine.”

But critics of the perfume have pointed out the need to shake it vigorously from side to side to activate the stench.

“That’s to remind everyone of when he faced down Leo Varadkar, and successfully reinforced prevailing windy perceptions of the UK with our nearest neighbours. To activate the most particles shake it out to the side and then in to your chest.”

And the fragrance is sure to be up everyone’s knows during the PR push this week.

“No less than the Supreme Court is judging it,” our nose snorted, “which is a great achievement so soon into Mr Johnson’s time at the top.”

LCD Views would like to thank 10 Downing Street once anticipation of receiving a complimentary crate of the perfume. We can guarantee we’ll pour it liberally down the drain.

“Bottled It”, by Boris Johnson, it smells just like his premiership.

TERMINAL VELOCITY : A snap survey of Conservative and Unionist Party membership today as revealed a not altogether surprising result regarding the recent leadership contest.

In polling commissioned by a major media player, NoGov pollsters asked all five remaining Conservative Party members what their opinion now was of Boris Johnson as prime minister?

“Four out of the five remaining Conservative Party members signalled buyer’s remorse over the coronation of ShortCummings’ hand puppet, Mr Alexander Bojo dePwiffle Johnson, and expressed a desire to re-run the contest and get a different result.”

The different result appears to be Chris Grayling, aka Failing Grayling, once a front page stalwart of government, and now virtually invisible. Although he could be still trying to be centre stage, but just not doing a good job of it.

The reasons for the change of heart appear to be the failure of Mr Johnson to live up to his reputation of being an all round entertainer, as well as a bully who can just get Brexit done by his sheer volume of self-belief.

“Now that everything is clearly an even completer disaster under Johnson than it was under May, the members wished they’d gone for Grayling as at least then there would not be any surprise. He’d still screw everything up and waste monumental amounts of taxpayer’s money. But that would be expected, so it would be easier to rationalise.”

Responding to the survey a Downing Street source said the four dissenting members would be identified as purged from the party immediately, leaving it with the sole member being Mr Johnson himself. He will then go on and attempt to govern alone, which is how he wants it anyway.

With all the threats of the damage a no-deal Brexit could do to the British economy, it is reassuring to know that there is at least one business that is currently not just staying afloat but thriving.

British popcorn sellers are currently enjoying the biggest boom in business they have ever known.
Since Boris Johnson took over as prime minister, sales of popcorn in Britain have gone through the roof.

The connection is not hard to spot, when talking to both vendors and consumers. Seller Hugh Eatitt had this to say:

“There’s a peak time for sales, usually just in the half-hour before BBC parliament starts broadcasting – seems like people are treating Boris’s gaffes like the great cinematic spectacle of the age, and want their snacks to hand when viewing it. I sold 48 times as much popcorn last week as I did on average the rest of the year. And I think that figure is going to rise even further.”

Well they’ve certainly had plenty to watch this week, since Johnson’s statistics mark him out as officially having the worst first week on the job of any British prime minister ever, having lost his majority, lost control of Brexit, and not even able to call a general election. The term “Whitehall Farce” has never been more appropriate.

Customers have confirmed the motive for bulk buying of popcorn. Student Cindy Marr had this to say:

“I just can’t wait to see how he puts his foot in it next – it’s like Game Of Thrones with laughs!”

So at least one business is booming thanks to our new prime minister. And set to stay booming for another three years if he can’t get an election before then.

The only question is, with all the strain it’s putting on manufacturers, will popcorn supplies last long enough to meet the demand?

SEND IN THE CLOWN : Troubling news from 10 Downing Street today after a leak to the press revealed the PM is having trouble sleeping, with anyone. Which is a worry if you’re trying to screw an entire continent.

“He has electile dysfunction,” a source inside the increasingly deep bunker reveals, “which just adds to all the other dysfunctions, which are now patently obvious for all to see.”

Apparently Mr Johnson is allegedly rumoured to have reportedly been pacing the famous halls of the dwelling muttering how “it’s all a bloody nightmare. It’s Elm Street. I’m living on [beeeep] Elm Street. What did I ever do to deserve this?”

But while it may have come as a shock to Johnson, his girlfriend, probably not to his ex-wives, or the child whose mother had to take him to court to acknowledge parentage, but to his close team that he’s completely fffing useless, it’s not to everyone.

“It’s quite good right now,” an avid remainer told LCD Views, “it’s like Boris and the other charlatans have crossed some magic line. As if when they were cutting their deal with the Devil to deliver Brexit, there was one condition attached.”

Which was?

“You can have Brexit but Boris Johnson can never be PM. He’s already cashed in with me for status too much as it is.”

And Boris broke the condition?

“When you’ve been getting away with the same con for so long it doesn’t occur the rinse and repeat will sooner or later not deliver. We’re there now. Now it’s just atoms and dust for Boris and his dreams.”

But it’s fair to say, the longer Mr Johnson lives his political nightmare, the more dreams come true for others.

DOG WHISTLING IN THE WIND : Boris Johnson has moved to firm up his not insignificant Scottish support today with the appointment of a new Conservative and Unionist Party leader north of Hadrian’s Wall.

“We’ve gone canine,” a Downing Street source advised LCD Views, “having an actual human up there didn’t work out so well. We’ve gone back to traditional governance of the Caledonian colony.”

The dog, who will be named soon by polling English Tories, has come pre-loaded with a load of useful tricks and skills.

“It isn’t exactly a rescue, in the strictest sense of the word,” the source disclosed, “it was actually owned by the friend of a friend of a fan of Nigel Farage. He called it Foorer (pronounced Fuh-rer), I think because he couldn’t spell the foreign word he was looking for. Still, to be re-homed from a kipper? It’s a rescue of sorts.”

The dog isn’t neutered, yet, but will be if it tries to shag Boris Johnson’s leg.

But what of the pre-loaded skills?

“It absolutely hates anyone who isn’t properly English,” the source grinned, “it’ll bring the Scots to heel soon enough. Oh, and it salivates when it hears dog whistle racism. It’s a perfect fit with the prime minister and his support base,

“Foorer will be giving a press conference soon and displaying the kind of swagger and menace needed to convince the Scots that unionism is still the way to Make England Great Again.”

LCD Views would like to commend Johnson and chums for the swift resolution of the Scottish problem, post Ruth Davidson, and trust Foorer (once renamed) can build on the work of keeping our union ever closer.

“The best thing about appointing a dog is Boris can lash out at it in temper, not that I am saying he would, and it’ll still be there begging for validation. Much better than that Davis woman who had too many ideas of her own. Here boy! Come on! Here’s a picture of a flag! Good boy!”

BIT WHIFFY : 10 Downing Street officials have confirmed today the installation of industrial strength air fresheners to deal with the deepening stench of Boris Johnson being in government.

“Well, it’s not actually clear if he is in government,” a Whitehall bod told LCD Views, “sure he has the title of prime minister, but it’s untested, given the Tories gamed the system to let him bugger off for six weeks the moment he got the job. Not a bad start to a new job with massive responsibility. Here, have a six week holiday. Mother of parliaments? Ha! She’s been at mother’s little helper. Or helpers!”

But regardless of what actual power Bojo has, something to be tested from early September, his living at Downing Street has led to a distinctive odour.

“The stench of moral decay is quite something,” the Downing Street official advised, “we’ve tried opening the windows to let air and light in, but both refused to enter.”

So it seems a solution more fitting for this administration was sought?

“Yes. We decided to hack a few limbs off the magic money tree and commission some monumental wall plugs. The power outage in southern England on the weekend was a result of plugging the massive buggers in. So then we had to spend more money to upgrade the power network to cope. But still, you smell it. Silent fart in a lift smell. Unmistakable. But of course we know who owns it.”

Tourist officials have also expressed concern, with football around Whitehall falling after reports of visitors unused to UK national politics becoming nauseous and even vomiting.

“Hopefully Boris Johnson’s time in Downing Street will be short lived,” the official hoped, “11 Downing Street is putrid with hypocrisy also. To clear them both out will be a relief. Praise be.”

But what should ordinary Londoners do to handle the smell, until the cure arrives?

“Take to the sewers,” the official shrugged, “you’ll have to contend with fatbergs, but you’ll get some fresh air. Relatively speaking.”

OVER THE TOP MEN SOME OF YOU WILL SURVIVE : A leak from the Johnsonian-Cummings fortress of 10 Downing Street has revealed advanced plans to replace the famous inner London townhouse with something more suitable before Halloween 2019.

”That’s if we don’t bottle it on No Deal Brexit first,” an insider to the joint, unelected rulers of the UK revealed today, “which is highly likely. Bullies tend to retreat when it’s clear they’re gonna suffer.”

But if events spiral out of their country, a distinct possibility, and the UK crash into the rocks of No Deal, thus tearing up the majority of its connections with the 21st century at a stroke, the people responsible will not only need fall guys to blame.

”They’ll also need somewhere to hide and sharpish,” the insider said. “hence the decision by Cummings to replace 10 Downing Street with a big ROCK. No one will think to look underneath it. It’s fool proof.”

It’s believed various types of rock where tested for suitability.

”We tried rock music first. We approached KISS to stand out front and distract everyone with their famous tongues. But then that old dog Bojo tried to shag Gene’s leg in a display of dominance. So they just left.”

No wonder. What next?

”We tried Dwayne Johnson, but he just laughed us out of his office. He’s going to be busy filming the 957th Fast and Furious by October anyway.”

So you had to turn to naturally occurring objects of great size?

”That’s why we asked to hide out on Gibraltar. But they had a vote on it and decided by about 98% to tell us to get stuffed and take the medicine.”

So how did you get the boulder?

”It was easy in the end,” the insider reveals, “we just dismantled Stonehenge and took one of those boulders. Fittingly symbolic for what No Deal would do to the entire country.”

Dam Busted : Brexit’s false prophet, Boris Johnson, paid a visit to the Whaley Bridge metaphor for Brexit yesterday and pledged to rebuild it.

”Of course we have to wait for the dam to collapse and destroy everything before it first,” Boris ‘you ain’t no Moses bruv’ Johnson reassured residents.

”In the interim, like Joan of Arc unwittingly collecting tinder for a fire, my government pledges a £100m advertising  blitzkrieg to convince the good people living in the area of the Toddbrook Reservoir that being deluged under an entirely avoidable catastrophe is worth it. Even if it’s not worth it for them. Stay in your homes. Do not remove your treasure offshore. Those are not the actions of patriots!”

While visiting the scene of the potential disaster Mr Johnson also described the damaged dam as “dodgy but stable”, in an unwitting reference to his own government.

”We will rebuild!” the bouncing, blonde bomb repeated, “and just like disgraced and convicted, now sadly former Tory MP, Chris Davies, we will put up again the same damaged and dodgy structure that’s just been torn down by forces we could not control!”

As a further interim measure, alongside the money to be spent convincing voters that having their homes and livelihoods destroyed is a good thing, Mr Johnson promises further emergency assistance.

”Taking a leaf out of the book of our continental cousins, and as a sign of how my government is only strengthening ties across the English Channel, I will be sending for a Dutch boy to come and stick his finger in the hole in this dyke!”

Thereafter Mr Johnson giggled uncontrollably before being removed to a safe location.

LOVE LOVE ME SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME : Reports tonight from central London tonight that a blonde man has been sedated after seeing himself in a mirror and spontaneously booing.

“It’s believed the unplanned reflection occurred shortly after a return from a hastily scheduled trip to Wales,” our London correspondent reports, “the man, described by witnesses as an idiot and a charlatan promoted well beyond his competency by currency speculators, was walking along the hall of his new home when he accidentally looked to the left.”

It’s not known if the mirror in question was there prior to the return from the colony of vowels that look like consonants (to the blonde man), or if his live in mistress hung the mirror during his absence as payback for an argument focused on a laptop a few weeks ago.

”It’s not believed the man, described by additional witnesses as a mash up between Daedalus and Narcissus (not the wee daffodil kind), was expecting to boo himself. Rather it’s thought recent public outings may have had a serious, presumably short term, impact on his self esteem.”

He is being treated at a private hospital in the city with a heavy dose of barbiturates and a rolling film reel of times when he was adored.

”A partial recovery is expected. Doctors intend to keep the blonde man under sedation and whisper into his ear the sort of complete and utter, unjustifiable, self reinforcing garbage he tells himself in the quiet hours.”

Public outings are expected to be better organised from now on, to avoid spontaneous booing of the kind that are believed to have triggered the event.

”He’s replaying his predecessor’s time in office on fast forward,” the correspondent notes, “so we expect as part of the cure he will now only appear in isolated locations with a handpicked audience of bribed performers.”