Category: Tory Tory Tory

TITS ON A BULL : Boris Johnson continues to surf the wave of popular feeling today as he attempts to row about the political landscape and put clear water between himself and the pretenders to his throne.

But he has come in for some surprising criticism regarding the flooding of wherever it is, it’s not in the southeast, as the people of somewhere in England demand action is taken by the government to assist with the flooding of up north. It is up north, isn’t it?

“That’s their first mistake right there,” our Johnson watcher noted, “they assume there’s a government. The second mistake compounds the first, but assuming that even if Boris Johnson was attempting governance, that he would care about wherever it is. Well, haven’t they learned anything from ten years of Tory shenanigans?”

But even so, the blonde Aquaman of British political life is throwing them a bone. Let’s hope it floats.

“He’s going to do a Facepamphlet Live broadcast where he tells them what they decided at the Cobra meeting.”

That’s progress at least.

“Mostly they decided they needed Boris to look like he cares. He does of course. You should see the way he looks at himself in the mirror. He really cares a lot about his reflection. Imagine how much he would care if he gazed down into a still puddle of flood water?”

But surely some actual physical response is required? People have lost homes and livelihoods and the King of the south has just shrugged for days.

“Well this is where he gets the kudos,” the analyst advised, “Corbyn and Swinson have busied themselves fannying about Yorkshire, but Boris has now acted.”

What has he done?

“He’s made these little flood defences out of empty wine boxes. He’s even painted people playing with sandbags on the sides. He’s going to set them adrift outside Yorkshire later today.”

STOP MAKING TITS OF YOURSELF BE A VEGETABLE INSTEAD : THE EMBATTLED CONSERVATIVE PARTY has taken steps to stop car crash interviews during the GE campaign.

“We’re stopping talking. At least to the media,” a ‘Source’ inside the 1922 Committee told LCD Views, “no one is allowed to talk anymore. Especially not Boris. Or James. Or Matt. And definitely not Mogg.”

Under the new strategy, which is certain to succeed, the fruit and vegetable sellers of the UK will be asked to turn over any vegetable that looks like a willy.

“I suppose spuds will be best, as they’ve a greater shelf life. Once they start with those little sprouty bits from the eyes then it’ll be an even greater distraction. You won’t get as long out of a banana I suppose. Maybe a few appearances on Marr? But anything to stop Conservative Party candidates talking to Barnett or Burley. The swivel eyed membership may not be too bothered about bald faced lying and lack of understanding of our own policies, but slowly the bloody moderates are drifting away, without saying anything, out the door. A good fruit display will dam the flood.”

But critics of the scheme, internal and external, have pointed out that potatriots Mark Francois and Andrew Bridgen have been giving interviews for years now. As such this is not a new comms strategy and already blighted.

Nonetheless you can look forward to a turnip standing in for Matt Hancock later today and getting an easy ride on the BBC.

BARGE ARSING FOR BRITAIN : Btitain’s outgoing Prime Spaffminster, Boris ‘de Spaffle’ Johnson has spoken out today about a visual problem, in the hope of identifying fellow sufferers.

“You see what I do is I take a great big dump,” Mr Johnson revealed, “a kind of, a, a, a policy dump. I dream up ways to spend the money in the public purse that I think will make me look great and then I flush! Wahey! Hazzah!”

But while prolifically wasting hard earned taxpayers’ money is all very well, and right for a Brexiter, the visual problem is more personal.

“I just can’t tell the difference,” Mr Johnson shrugs, on camera, then flexes his arms, “I see money in the exchequer and I think, crickey, I’ll have some of that fine, hand crafted toilet paper. Carrie doesn’t tell me it’s not toilet paper! Honestly, what good is a relationship with a bit of totty half your age if she can’t tell you you’re wiping your bum with paper other than that paper specifically designed for the purpose? I hear Pericles had exactly the same problem!”

But what does Mr Johnson plan to do about it?

“Well, I’ve wasted millions on Brexit coinage. I’ve wasted over a £100m on propaganda on billboards. I wasted just buckets of public cash as London Mayor. I seem to have flung some spare change at a lively American lass. You tell me? I’m running out of ideas! Perhaps start a land war in South-East Asia? You know, something bloody expensive, but ultimately winnable.”

No. About the toilet paper?

“Oh, well, I’ll just have to start double flushing. A crisp fifty tends to get stuck in the S-bend. Much like the country. I intend to flush that away too. Huzzah!”

DON’T STOP MOVING : They seek him here, they seek him there, those lawyers, they seek him everywhere.

Embattled British Prime Minister, Boris ‘Shagger’ Johnson, has broken the marathon speed record, set only yesterday, by Eliud Kipchoge in Vienna. And he’s done so with no pacers or lasers, just his own will and determination to remain free. Oh, and a route marked out by Dom ‘Short’ Cummings.

While official confirmation is still to be handed down by the relevant authorities (as with most things Boris), we can confirm that the blonde streak of something ran the 26.2 miles in 1hr 30mins.

Hair dancing in the wind, arms flailing by his side, he could perhaps improve on the time if he had better physical form.

“He’s still running,” our sporting chance correspondent says, “he was last seen crossing the Pont Hafren, and is expected to leave mainland UK later today and race across a mind bridge on the sea.”

His actual target destination isn’t clear, but the motivation for the blistering speed allegedly is.

“He’s legging it from the GLA inquiry into his relationship with the Bill Gates of pole dancing, Jennifer Arcuri,” our correspondent informs, “it’s likely he will cross Ireland and continue across the Atlantic. We expect he will make landfall on the east coast of the United States before month end.”

What the Hell is up her jumper? pic.twitter.com/3Khbs8Gi9x

— Dartmoor (@DartmoorJuan) October 12, 2019

We would advise Boris Johnson takes a sharp turn as he approaches continental North America and goes south. Touching down in the USA may time with the culmination of the impeachment proceedings of Donald Trump and he wouldn’t want to find himself embroiled in all that too.

The only question is will the GLA be fast enough to catch up with Mr Johnson? It’ll have to be quick because Brexit realities are already hot on his heels and closing in from all sides.

We’re not sure what time Mr Johnson will eventually record, or serve up, but there’s the ever growing feeling that his time is almost up…

FILES BAKED IN CAKES : DISGRACED FORMER INTERNATIONAL DEVELOPMENT SECRETARY Priti Patel caused a stampede for the exits during her landmark speech to conference this afternoon.

Insiders close to the Home Secretary said she at first thought members were standing to give her an ovation. But it quickly became apparent they were legging it as fast as their arthritic legs would carry them.

“It was right after she declared the Tories were once again the party of law and order,” the insider reveals, “and they were coming after the criminals.”

How Ms Patel thought this a credible gambit for a major conference speech is anyone’s guess.

She was after all herself forced to stand down from cabinet under Theresa May for operating her own clandestine foreign policy agenda.

“Don’t forget to mention she was also part of Vote Leave, found to have broken electoral laws. Not that that in anyway undermines her credibility on law and order. In fact it makes her an expert.”

But going back for the high ground on law and order is smart politics, not only because of Priti’s personal history, chequered at best.

“The government has been found to have unlawfully suspended Parliament. It was also held in contempt of parliament. It has also slashed the police and other services. Never mind its slightly wishy washy CV on going after tax dodgers. They keep illegally selling arms to Saudi Arabia too. She needs to go right back after that chalice of justice and hold it high.”

There’s also the matter of numerous Tory MPs now having had to stand down following criminal convictions and one still facing trial.

“The Party is definitely overflowing with knowledge regarding criminality. No doubt about it.”

Quite how an MP that has previously been forced to stand down from cabinet for reasons such as those that once removed Ms Patel can still be allowed to rise again? And back to cabinet is anyone’s guess.

“It may just be our entire system needs an overhaul.”

Just maybe.

BULLINGDON bRAT : Boris Johnson returned to the House of Commons last night at a speed described by bystanders as terminal bellicosity.

“He started off with the ‘it’s just Boris being Boris’ act but quickly accelerated to something like ‘IF I’M GOING DOWN YOU’RE ALL COMING WITH ME!’” our embedded correspondent reports, “I’m just glad I was wearing my wet weather gear. When he finally exploded it was a shitastrophe of Boriscat.”

And explode Boris Johnson did in the best tradition of a spoiled brat masquerading as a grown man.

“He’s painted himself into a corner even faster than Theresa May did,” our correspondent continued, “she took her time, neurotic stroke after neurotic stroke, retreating towards the corner at each pass. But Mr Johnson has come to office and thrown whole buckets of paint across the floor, splashing himself and all around him.”

We’ve been watching. We’ve seen.

“And now he finds himself in a corner screaming at his political enemies to give him the lifeline of a GE. Not so fast. Let him rage and plead, threaten and squeal like the stuck pig he is. Each day that passes underlines his impotence. Let that sink in. This is Brexit. There’s a horrible danger that his irresponsible rhetoric will trigger an atrocity. But there’s no escaping that risk. Too many MPs have validated Brexit as a doable project for too long. Those that have have gotten us to this terrible pass. Now they have to decide. If this is how Brexit’s leaders behave now, how will they behave afterwards?”

It maybe that Mr Johnson is now suspecting reducing a minority of one to minus forty something wasn’t the smartest move. The instinctive reaction of the bully to being denied his own way.

“Each step he takes now will make it worse for him and everyone,” our correspondent continues, “he’s a study in the problem of failing upwards. Once you get to the top there is nowhere to go, but down, and fast. He’s not even bothering to plateau. But then if I had billions of offshore cash riding on me crashing the UK’s economy I’d be worried about not delivering too.”

The one thing that must be clear to all by now is that there is no good Brexit. You want to heal the country? Stop weakening it. Expose the lies. Hold the liars to account.

“For Boris Johnson it’s apocalyptic. Which is the least he deserves. I doubt he will go to the EU and ask for an extension. He’s cornered and he knows it. He’s currently in fight mode. The question remains when will he choose flight.”

Don’t give him ground.

SPARE ROOM DOT COM : THE ECUADORIAN EMBASSY in London has reacted with what has been called “instinctive swiftness garnered from long experience” today to the Supreme Court judgement that Boris Johnson unlawfully advised Queen Elizabeth (second of her name) to prorogue parliament.

“At a little after 10:30am this morning an embassy staffer was seen exiting the building in a hurry and legging it towards a nearby W H Smith,” our reporter, live on the scene, reports, “they returned minutes later with a large sheet of white card and some new black marker pens.”

And it wasn’t long before the stationery purchase was put to good use.

“Then, in what seemed no time at all, a sign was hang over the balcony made famous during Julian Asssange’s stay,” our reporter continues, “and it reads ‘No way Boris. F*#k off.”. It’s not clear which Boris the message is aimed at, but I suggest a famous one.”

Rumours on social media suggest it is exactly the Boris on everyone’s lips that the sign is for.

“If it is outgoing prime minister Boris Johnson we can only presume the Ecuadorian, and the Ecuadorean embassy staff are worried about exactly how many friends he will bring with him into asylum and what security risk he would pose to the staff? Especially with the anticipated comings and goings in the middle of the night to shag other people’s wives.”

But while the fast action on behalf of the Ecuadorian Embassy is to be applauded, we have heard a rumour they hung out the sign on the directions of a certain Dominic “Short” Cummings who had already placed a deposit on the spacious, basement broom cupboard come long stay bedroom.

“And one thing seems certain, in light of the events at the Supreme Court today,” our correspondent finishes, “like the sign, Boris Johnson is soon to be hung out to dry.”

BLONDE BONKING BARMY BORIS BUSTED : The United Kingdom’s temporary prime minister, Boris “bonkers” Johnson has hit back, out, over and at the media furore regarding the £126,000 of public money paid to American businesswoman J Acuri, in spite of her company being ineligible.

“Did you get a look at her? I mean phwaaaaoooor! Who wouldn’t have shoved fistfuls of notes down her top. I mean, chaps, fellows, good friends. Like Theseus confronted with a Minotaur with extra boobs instead of horns! Have at you! Don’t say you wouldn’t have. You know you would have.”

But the statement, although clearly said in earnest, will do little to dampen the burning coals of a scandal that threatens Mr Johnson’s way of life.

“Come on now compatriots,” Mr Johnson added, for greater clarity, “you have to box a little clever with young blonde fillies who may, or may not, be on the make. And more importantly, who may, or may not care that you’re a married man with an indeterminate number of love children. Huzzah!”

And while many media figures will say it’s all just a storm in a teacup, some will still seek to make public capital out of what is essentially a private matter.

“It was supposed to remain a very private matter. Ha! Between you and me, what a goer! Ha!” Mr Johnson sought to shed a little extra light on the matter, “I mean, if I went round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint…no. Hang about. When the vetting committee of my party asked me if I had anything to declare that may embarrass me, or them, in the future, I just said no moral hazard here! There can’t be. There’s no morals! Ha! Get your kit off and let’s get at it.”

LCD Views would like to add ourselves as a character witness for Mr Johnson as this drama unfolds. Especially as it may actually end his premiership. Unless the UK is now total swamp of course.

“Let me make one thing absolutely clear,” Mr Johnson finished (not for the first time), “there is absolutely no conflict of interest in shovelling public money at that girl, as we both saw it entirely in our interests.”

YOUR TURN TRICK OR TREAT : Michael Gove is said to have his loved ones worried today after he made a claim so tumescent with expectation the nation almost orgasmed.

“It’s not like tricky Mickey to get people’s hopes up so hard,” our embedded Tory party wart reports, “saying that if Brexit isn’t delivered by Halloween than the Tory Party is GOING TO FINISH ITSELF OFF? I mean, I almost lost it right there, and I’m trying to hold fast. Tantric Brexit is where I get my kicks!”

The claim, being spread more virulently than a socially transmitted disease across social media platforms, raises the concern that Mr Gove no longer has his finger on the pulse. This isn’t a threat Gove. It’s a promise of a sweet relief.

“He’s probably getting a lot of phone calls from heavy breathers,” our wart guesses, “Give it to me. Give it to me baby. Give me the great end of society. Don’t you want it? Yeah? Don’t you want Sterling worth less than USD so the NHS is almost free?”

How the assertion spaffed out so freely by Mickey will play out is clear. And not many things he’s involved with are.

“Mass mental orgasm,” our wart grows, “even amongst a lot of Tories who just feel dirty now and want it to end so they can shower. And the rest of the country? Ten years of being run down and maligned and abused and smeared with neocon scat in the basement of Gove’s mental dungeon? Well, have you seen the footage of coral reefs all letting loose in one moment? Yeah, that’s the UK if No Brexit by Halloween means no more Tory Party. Whoosh! Steam train in the tunnel. Rocket ship blasting off! Elephant trumpeting in the jungle!”

https://youtu.be/C73hbu3yquA

You’ve given us so much false hope Mr Gove. But if you’re right on this and when No Brexit happens on October 31st the Conservative Party implodes? Then you’ve finally given everyone some hope. Which is a first.

Pardon my French! Pint sized pillock Mark Francois has been removed from the Conservative & Undemocratic Nationalist Threat party. You do the acronym.

Brexit has led us to this ridiculous ethnic cleansing. Only people with good honest British names like Johnson, Farage and Patel will be permitted to stay here.

But Mark Francois is clearly FRENCH! His name is French and it means French! He had therefore obviously an EU imposter and spy, and has been expelled from the Conservative Party and forced to seek asylum with the Lib Dems.

Francois was outraged. “You Eenglish pig dogs!” he exploded. “I fart in your general direction. Fetchez la vache!”

Francois is only in the public eye again because he managed to evade the security guards at the Bedlam unit where he is kept under lock and key for his own safety. He managed to spout nonsense on TV and dress up as a policemen before his minders tracked him down and sedated him again.

Pedantic linguists see this as a worrying development. “Britain will end up being expelled from Britain,” claimed cunning linguist Polly Glott. “Britain is a French name. So is Wales. England is a German name. The Scots came from Ireland and vice versa. Our land is literally foreign and will have to be banned!”

“That’s a load of bollocks!” reported Francois diplomatically. “What’s in a name? A rose by any other name would… err…” He paused to seize a rose from a nearby rosebush. “Aaaarggghh! The f&@#ing thorns have ripped off all my skin! They should be banned! Now!”

English roses are prickly underneath. Who knew?

Brexit, then will not just split Britain from Europe, or England from Scotland. The UK will be an ex country. It will cease to be.

So to make sure the UK survives, logically Brexit must stop. Unfortunately it means we will also have to keep Mark Francois.