Category: Tory Tory Tory

GET DUNKING DONE : The committee overseeing the design and construction of a statue commemorating Boris Johnson’s time as PM have released a press statement today regarding their future (proof) intentions.

“No one should be in any doubt that recent events in Bristol have dissuaded the committee from forging ahead with total belief to finish our great undertaking,” a spokesman said, “and we will actually be ramping up our efforts. We have the capacity to construct a statue to celebrate our greatest current prime minister and we will fill it to the brim. Then we will take it over the edge.”

All well and good. But what about the concerns over the security of the statue, once it has been installed?

“No one will want to harm the statue of Mr Johnson,” the spokesman appeared genuinely baffled, “it is a very eye catching design. Mr Johnson is depicted in his running gear, seated on a white, wine stained sofa, a secondhand water cannon clenched in his hands, one boot sheathed in a rugby boot which is on top of a young boy and a mischievous glint in Mr Johnson’s eye. The eye by the way, it roams, constantly. Nice little touch. The other eye has a bendy bus designed into the iris and a garden bridge protruding from it. All up it’s a very representative design.”

And where will the statue be installed?

“Why on the riverbed of the Thames of course,” the spokesman shrugged, “to save time later. And the plague will be full of quotations of all of Mr Johnson’s favourite racist tropes.”

WHAT’S THE POINT OF LIFE EXPECTANCY ANYWAY : THE UK’S PUPPET KING, BORIS ‘DE PRATTLE’ JOHNSONOV, has hit back at traitors suggesting that his policy of no masks in public, in a time of RESPIRATORY PANDEMIC, is a bad one.

“Did the Spitfire pilots of WW2 wear masks?” Mr Johnsonov, who still hasn’t released the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in UK Democracy, demanded, “Did the brave Tommy in the trenches in WW1 wear masks? Did the triumphant English knights at Agincourt wear masks? British men and women do not conceal their faces. We face danger head on.”

And while Mr Johnsonov looks determined to ignore voices that suggest masks could help save lives, some are wondering if the man who took technology lessons off a pole dancer has our best interests at heart.

“It’s because his own mask has fallen off,” one critic suggested.

“His polling is steadily dropping through the floor,” they went on, “dropping like a lead balloon. So if he was to suddenly restrict the freedoms of the citizens his primary duty is to defend, well, you might find Labour sneaking a poll lead. Not because mask wearing would offend, but because it’d be another u-turn in pandemic policy. People might start to get the sneaky feeling Mr Johnsonov isn’t up to the job. Just. Possibly.”

But others seem less concerned over the loss of Mr Johnsonov’s public mask.

“He’s the fig leaf for Dominic Cummings’ insane agenda to reorganise the UK like a three year ‘reorganising’ his bedroom after being told off for smearing scat on the living room walls. And he’s stuck fast at that. I’d worry about that.”

LET THEM EAT APPS : DOWNING STREET HAVE RESPONDED SWIFTLY TO THE INVESTIGATION BY DURHAM POLICE WITH AN INVESTIGATION OF THEIR OWN.

“We have conducted a probe of Durham Police and discovered that too few of the senior staff have received gongs,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we’re sure this can be corrected if they rectify the surprisingly limited amount of whitewash they keep in stock.”

The object of the probe was to determine if Durham police had broken one of the newer laws of the land by investigating the actions of unelected PM Dominic Cummings.

“Clearly it was a significant breach to even query the behaviour of God,” the source continued, “as God is above the laws of man. To compound that error by finding that God did breach the Covid-19 lockdown regulations was a grievous error that will go unforgiven. I would expect Durham to suffer a plague of locusts now. Perhaps even a great flood. Never forget that there is one rule for mankind and a very different rule of God, aka Dominic Cummings.”

What sanctions will be applied to the actual officers who conducted the investigation into Mr Cummings isn’t yet clear, but rumours are they may have to host Boris Johnson to dinner.

“He’ll be bringing his dad, who also breached guidelines designed to save lives, and perhaps Dylin the dog, dependent on whether or not the prop dog is booked anywhere else that day. That should be punishment enough to ensure no further mistakes are made.”

In the interim the Durham Police have been put into special measures, with Downing Street sending up Mark Francois to take personal control of the police.

“Those that make the laws don’t have to follow them,” the source added, “why do you think we’ve spent so long messing about with behavioural science, even though the actual science of infectious disease spread is very well understood? It’s because we can’t trust ourselves to obey the laws we make, so we can hardly trust everyone else.”

BE ALERT FOR CROCODILES WITH CLOCKS IN THEIR GUTS : LCD Views has received a hacked together video today of the Conservative’s clevererest MP. The informative footage shows James apparently resetting his famous countdown clock to mark the final moments of Boris Johnson as prime minister.

“It’s only a matter of days, or at best weeks, now,” a source inside Downing Street commented, “I mean can you imagine any way in which things improve for Johnson now? He’s stuffed. Brexit? Wow. Bring on the loss of hundreds of international agreements and trade deals right when the world goes into a recession. No one is going to have time for our nonsense. Parliament? Can he keep hiding from Keir? No. And what happens when he doesn’t? Home life? Can’t just bugger off and have a knee trembler with another woman this time there’s a squawking infant in the bedroom. And let’s not talk about his handling of CV-19.”

Let’s not. Especially not in pictures, hey British press? Plenty of grim appetite to tour the Covid nuked landscape of Europe and show visually the failure to prepare for the pandemic. But the U.K.? Tumbleweeds. Where are all the dead going? Just into the statistics.

But how will changing the prime minister improve the prospects of the Tories?

“I’m surprised you care.”

We care about people suffering and dying. Would a change at the top usher in a better era?

“Not without a GE! But we don’t want to go down that path. We’ll just knife Boris in the back if he doesn’t bugger off soon and crown someone new. Someone shiny and young with good hair and a well fitted suit.”

So not Michael Gove then?

“Well he is likely to be involved. Someone has to look Boris in the eyes and tell him it’s going to be alright as they reach around and knife him in the back. But Gove won’t get the top job, no matter how much abuse Mrs Gove hurls at people on social media.”

But who will then? Such a colourful cast to choose from. Each as shite as the next. We will find out when the clock stops.

It was fun for Boris being Boris? Well, he’s done now and he can bugger off.

THERE’S A SQUEEZE COMING : The United Kingdom is about to discover there’s no such thing as a free lunch as the time to pay for (mostly) staying alive draws near.

“We’ll be ramping up some old favourites,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “tighten our belts, all in this together, there’s no magic money tree, mostly because we’ve already felled and chipped it. And so it’s only fair the public chip in.”

What the public will think about this isn’t clear, but it’s presumed the cabinet hope that they’ll be too busy staying alert to notice the tax hikes aren’t as evenly distributed as Covid-19.

“Public spending is a lot like a virus,” the source continues, “it has to be controlled or we’ll have well resourced public services spreading like a plague across the land. This disincentivizes the gig economy. We can’t be having that.”

But why further austerity will be needed when debt is currently free won’t be answered, or even asked.

“Clearly the world’s tax havens are stuffed to the jowls with money that should be in various exchequers. And clearly the public paid for the banking crisis as the banks just took all the cash and put it into bonuses. None of this can be allowed to change. The net result allows the 1% to have an endless contest over who’s winning at life. Somebody has to pay for it. And we haven’t fostered ethno-nationalism for years now just to throw it all away on a public health crisis.”

But what about people who may find their belt is already so tight they can’t tighten it further?

“Their fault for being born with substandard genetics. Pretty obvious. And besides, they can always wear a corset.”

Get Ready to do your bit to pay for Coronavirus. It’s only fair. Just ask an inheritance millionaire.

FISHY WISHY FULFILMENT PERSONIFIED : Sources inside the Tory bunker report today that James “oh so” Cleverly has the famous countdown clock out again.

The motivation this time is not the timing of the Brexit last supper, but the moment when Tory Jesus Boris “I can’t cough all over you enough” Johnson will complete his narrative arc as the risen saviour.

“Clearly he’s not saving anyone but himself,” the source confides, “which is right and proper for a divine character (actor). The virus may not respect rank, but it doesn’t mean that plebs don’t have to.”

But the all important question is how many days is James “Nominative Determinism is Bunkem” Cleverly setting on the whirling dials of fate this time around?

“It’s not Brexit this time,” the source beams, “as Boris got that done, much like his regime got PPE and testing done. No. This is the count down to when Boris ascends to Tory heaven and leaves everyone wondering did he work magic? Or just a card up his loose, flowing, fashionable, messianic robes trick?”

Well, clearly you can expect consistency of narrative where Boris “father of hidden football team” Johnson is concerned, just not if you’re one of the many mothers of the prime minister’s many offspring.

And where does Tory Jesus go then? After 40 days as the rising dough of the Lord?

“Why to Mustique of course,” the source finishes,” in a fridge.”

REINVENTING THE WHEEL AFTER THE ROAD RACE HAS STARTED : DOWNING STREET IS thrilled to announce today that it has settled on which tax exiled billionaire, Brexit supporting businessman to build ventilators.

Nantwich firm blasts Government over delay after offering 5,000 ventilators

“After following the findings of the 2016 study into our country’s preparedness to meet a pandemic crisis with a respiratory illness, and ignoring those findings, we have now decided to give a giant contract to make ventilators to a guy that makes vacuum cleaners,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “the chap also makes hand dryers that blast microbes into the faces of users. He’s the perfect fit.”

But while no one should mistake our intent, and we are bloody happy there’s to be more ventilators, regardless of source, as lives will be saved, why an actual British ventilator manufacturer wasn’t asked to mass supply earlier is ticklish.

“The government should have given funding to existing ventilator manufacturers, and existing companies like us.”

Andrew Raynor of MEC Medical, a medical parts manufacturer, says “nothing” happened when he contacted the govt offering to make #Covid19 ventilators#Newsnight pic.twitter.com/n79KVpENbW

— BBC Newsnight (@BBCNewsnight) March 25, 2020

“Well, they can now make vacuum cleaners and hand dryers,” the 10 Downing Street source shrugged, “design them from scratch like old Dyson. Genius. And given our complete and total mishandling of the Covid-19 crisis, we’re going to have a bloody great big clean up to do afterwards. In fact, the biggest demand will be for brooms and rugs. A lot will have to be swept under a lot of rugs.”

It is hoped that the Dyson brand ventilators won’t need to be hung on a wall to recharge midway through the job.

“At least you can be sure that these are patriotic ventilators made by a British patriot offshoring in Singapore,” the source added, “and not some dodgy continental job, the like of which may have been available if we’d accepted the EU invitation for involvement in their continent wide procurement process.”

Stick a Union Jack on it and breathe in and then breathe out. Let’s just hope Dyson’s redesigned wheel doesn’t suck and is delivered ahead of time.

MEATLOAF AS A FORM OF GOVERNMENT : THE UK GOVERNMENT has put itself behind the national shield wall and faced the threat from the invading Coronavirus, and pledged to do “whatever it takes” to beat the virus.

“In terms of our efforts we’re practicing social distancing,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “we’ve told people to stay home, but not those people. We’ve told our NHS staff they’ll have all the resources and equipment they need, so long as they pop along to B&Q before their shift and buy their own PPE. It goes on like this. Our efforts are socially distanced from each other. There’s still plenty of room for CV-19 to waltz right through. But we’re not practicing ‘herd immunity’ still. Well, not officially, maybe by default?”

The UK is not participating in EU procurement schemes to buy ventilators, protective gear for hospital staff or coronavirus testing kit. Confirmed by UK and EU sources.

— Jennifer Rankin (@JenniferMerode) March 24, 2020

But what about criticism that the UK government is refusing to participate in EU procurement schemes to buy ventilators, protective gear for hospital staff or Coronavirus testing kits?

“Well, we’ll do anything to beat Coronavirus and save the lives of British citizens, but we won’t do that. It may save time, money and lives to do it but it would undermine Brexit. We have to look to the future. And everyone knows that a British built ventilator is the only one that can move British oxygen in and about of British lungs. Foreign chaps and their machines can’t do that.”

Well that’s all perfectly sensible. I’m sure if you held a referendum on the strategy you’d get the support of a majority. What snappy title have you given it?

“Meatloaf,” the source replied, “we’ll do anything to beat Coronavirus, but we won’t do that.”

A GOVERNMENT OF THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS : ENGLAND AD 1348 – Faced with a looming public health emergency King Boris de piffle Johnson, of Uxbridge and South Tongueslip, ordered his golden throne set up in a Westminster square and addressed his people.

“Get Dying Done!” King Boris roared at the filth stained masses, in another sign that government by hard right populists and deceit quickly reduces satirists to a daily, binary choice between gallows humour and mere commentary (not every day, just many).

“Those pustules erupting in your groin, just give them a stab with something sharp. They’ll soon be gone. The cough wracking your chest? Try and cough over your neighbours, before they nail their front doors shut. This new curse was sent by God to reduce lines in my brow. Each one of you, endlessly moaning as you dig in the filth, you are a furrow on my brow. I do not care to till. I want my brow as flawless as the skin of my young mistresses.”

The decision to let the plague just run its course made a lot of sense.

“It will take care of the social care problem! Our Abbeys are overflowing with lepers. I told you I had a plan! It’ll solve the housing market by freeing up the homes of many elderly. And just think of the boost to the economy once the equity of all those inheritances is released into the wife markets of our towns and villages? It really is a blessing, this new form of death, it’s not a curse. And besides, I would rather spend my time in private consideration of my majesty, and affairs, I prefer it if God takes care of you.”

The choice also took care of the difficult problem of how do you convince a populace, so many of whom are willingly dumbed down by the distractions of bread and endless circuses, to show a little spirit and look to each other for a week or two? Before their own interests are directly threatened?

Too thorny a knot. The King has seen the recent Revolt of Bogroll hill.

Get Dying Done! Take it on the chin! There’s a good people. King Boris is busy and bored with you, he has heirs to produce.

The shepherd cares not to tend his flock, but let the wolves of pestilence loose among it.

They say a country gets the government it deserves, perhaps after the scourge of illness has run its course, the country might once again decide to deserve something better than government by cranks and chancers, fronts for the new feudal barons of our time…

PREGNANT WITH PREPARATION : PATRIOTIC BRITONS HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR FROM THE NEW FANGLED FLU SWEEPING the globe as Britons have the best government in the world.

“We’re the envy of everyone, especially the chaps across the channel,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “this is why we don’t need to be part of that bloody EU pandemic talking shop. Waste of time. We’re Global Britain. I’d be surprised if the Coronavirus doesn’t just fall flat on its face when it hits our shores. A pint of warm bitter will do for a Corona any day of the week.”

But not to be accused of complacency the leadership of Brexitannia is putting various measures in place to bolster the natural fortitude of the indigenous population.

“Boris has been on television lying about a hospital visit,” the source shrugs, “that’ll keep Twitter distracted for days. And if it’s necessary he’ll ad lib some more bollocks. Basically we’ll just keep everyone chasing their tails until the pandemic fades away. Summer will kill the bugs. It’s essentially a matter of passing time till then.”

But what if the crisis really grips the country?

“Then a snap election. No one will notice the bodies piling up if we all have to go and vote again,” the source smirks, “a mixture of electoral crime and a catchy slogan will completely do for everyone.”

Get Coronavirus Done!

“That’s the one.”

And if that doesn’t work?

“Then we will release the Black Death to stalk the land once again. A proper British disease. Feel the pride swell in your chest. None of that foreign muck.”

You’ll feel the pride swell in your groin too.

“Now, now, there’s no need to get low brow.”