Category: Royal feature

SAX-COBURG WHAT NOW : Fresh from seeing off the attempted theft of stolen artefacts by Greece, Britain’s smallest PM, Rishi Sunak, now has to fight the Germans. Again.

The new struggle is centred again on a collection of seemingly inanimate objects, with the emotional warmth of marble, who seem to just take up space better used for other things, and cost the British public money solely to generate endless arguments among the broader population.

”The British Royal Family may be largely derived from foreign sources, but that isn’t the point, we’ve had them for centuries and we intend to keep hold of them,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “If the Germans want them so badly they might like to reflect upon how well we’ve looked after them? What happened to their last royal family?”

But while this latest furore is certain to overwhelm Mr Sunak, who has yet to meet a problem he can see his way over, he is receiving support from an unexpected quarter.

”Boris Johnson has written in the Mail that he has the solution. He’s offered to make both problems go away. For the Greeks he is offering to make a new, better Elgin Marbles out of empty wine crates. For the Germans he’s offered to go and live there if they call him Kaiser Al. Rishi would be mad not to take him up on both offers,” our royal correspondent notes.

The likelihood of Mr Sunak seizing on Mr Johnson’s offer isn’t great though, as he “already has one former PM in the house running the government for him, while pretending to be Foreign Secretary. Imagine how pointless he’d look if he employed another?”

Still, the answer is likely to come from the Palace itself, with rumours suggesting none other than King Charles III himself said to be minded to “send his cousins on the Continent Prince Harry. Long to reign over them. When he’s not asking Netflix to make a show about how he wants to be left alone.”

WE ARE NOT AMUSED : THE UNITED KINGDOM has seemed to stumble from self-inflicted disaster to self-inflicted disaster ever since David Cameron called the EU Referendum, before buggering off to indulge his true calling, that of lobbyist. There are certainly no signs of the pattern reversing or the PM being capable of running anything approaching a competent administration.

Many have wondered what does The Royal Family think about it all? Will the Queen ever intervene? Can she intervene? Or are we just adrift in a sea of tyranny never to see a calm shore again. Finally the Palace has answered those questions.

Late this afternoon a gilt edged servant appeared outside 10 Downing Street carrying a message for Prime Minister Boris Johnson from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. While speculation was initially hot that she had fired him, it seems she has chosen to reduce his standing instead, in the hope he just leaves quietly himself.

Seasoned critics suggest this is unlikely and he will have to be “dragged out by his hairy arse screaming like the overgrown infant he is. Almost certainly clutching some of the art he’s badgered donors into buying for the flat, in order to auction the works off to pay his childcare and alimony costs.”

None the less, action from the Palace is long overdue and many are pleased with anything these days.

“The Queen has today banned Prime Minister Johnson’s government from using the phrase Her Majesty’s Government in any utterance, in written communication and definitely not over brandy after dinner,” a Palace spokesman told LCD Views exclusively. “Furthermore the short form, HMG, is also out of bounds. This order will remain in place for the life of Mr Johnson’s government. Let us hope that is not much longer now.”

It seems the drastic step has been taken to distance the Queen from her government because, as the Palace put it in usually direct language, “They’re such a cockwombling embarrassment. Did you know they’ve got the army delivering groceries? Jesus wept. Leave me out of it.”

In a shock development in the continuing Royal drama, Princes William and Harry have decided on a ‘once and for all’ battle to settle their differences.

Our inside information says that a ‘furious’ Harry issued the challenge after a major breach of protocol at the Duke of Edinburgh’s funeral. According to Brandreth’s Royal Funerary Etiquette, it is the responsibility of the spouse of the second child of the heir to the throne to carry the spare wheel of the ‘hearse, gun carriage or other wheeled vehicle in or upon which the monarch or spouse thereof may lie’. Instead, Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge, carried the Land Rover wheel in the cortège. Harry was said by our source to be ‘fuming’ at the unprecedented breach, and labelled the slight as ‘a slap in the face’ to he and especially the Duchess of Sussex who would have had the honour of bearing the 35kg wheel.

Palace sources quote Kate as saying, ‘Wills’ll take Harry down, no probs. Can’t see it going the distance, to be honest. Harry ain’t exactly Conor McGregor now, is he?’ In response, the Sussex camp have revealed that Harry has been in training for several weeks and considers himself to be in peak form. ‘Bring it on!’ Meghan reportedly said. ‘This time it’s personal.’

It is understood that the contest is to be fought under MMA rules and although no venue has been agreed, the Royal Albert Hall is being considered, as is Wembley Stadium.

Prince Charles when asked for a comment, said, ‘It is all very disappointing. Why can’t they sit down and discuss their problems in a civilised manner, perhaps over a cup of tea and some Duchy Organic Stem Ginger biscuits, available from Waitrose?’

CORKED : As the furore surrounding the Royal Family shows no immediate signs of abating no lesser peacemaker than the Prime Minister himself is said to be stepping in to douse the flames.

Earlier today a 10 Downing Street source spoke from an empty wine bottle littered “situation room” within the bowels of the famous old terrace to reveal how Mr Johnson will solve everyone’s problems with the Royal Family.

“He’s going to make a new royal family, and before anyone cracks any jokes along the lines of what, I thought he was busy making his own football team with as many different mothers as possible, that’s not what he means,” the source confirmed.

It’s believed the PM’s plan is focused on the one thing he truly excels at, which is emptying wine crates.

“He’s going to drink the cellar dry and then he’s going to make a new version of the Windsors fit for the 21st century out of the empty boxes.”

It’s believed he won’t just stop there, he will also ensure that the new royals are readily relatable.

“He will paint little faces on the new royals and then they will be taken on a horse drawn parade up and down Pall Mall. After the pomp and circumstance they will next appear on the balcony of Buckingham Palace.”

But don’t fear, they won’t have wooden personalities.

“By way of a unique rope and pulley system they will wave to adoring crowds just like the old ones have always done. Essentially they will be puppets. Just without any of the dodgy uncles and accusations of racism. I suspect they’ll be just as loved as the ones that are no longer fit for purpose.”

The tea towel and picture plate business is expecting a boom off the back of it. God Save The Wine (and the crates).

AND WHAT DO YOU DO : QUEEN ELIZABETH II, second of her name, ruler of a rapidly shrinking dominion, has asked 21 year old Manchester United football star Marcus Rashford to form a government.

The surprising move comes after a week in which the outgoing administration of Boris Johnson refused to feed the children its own policies are largely responsible for making hungry.

Mr Rashford is understood to have accepted the request from the monarch and begun selecting his cabinet.

“As the office of the Prime Minister is not established by law, but relies on long established convention, it’s perfectly legitimate for Mr Rashford to assume the office, even though he is not a member of Parliament,” our legal eagle reassures.

“It’s understood that the coveted position of Home Secretary has already been accepted by Jürgen Klopp,” our correspondent continues, “and we can expect a markedly different approach to the policies of the department from the outgoing Priti Patel.”

Harry Maguire is expected to accept the position of Secretary of State for Defence and Raheem Sterling to be Chancellor – although a spokesman for the new prime minister insists it’s not just because of his surname.”

The first responsibility of the new government will clearly be feeding vulnerable children and looking for ways to reverse the damaging policies of the last 10 years of Tory rule.

“Remainers can anticipate joy too,” our correspondent suggests, “as it’s likely that Mr Rashford will look to reverse the frankly daft and self defeating decision by Boris Johnson’s administration to abandon freedom of movement across Europe. A young man that fleet of foot is going to want to travel to all areas of the continental pitch, as he likes.”

A first Queen’s Speech is currently being drafted in what is being seen as a move that reflects the “will of the people” and secures for Queen Elizabeth II a prime minister who doesn’t shame her with his every word and deed.

Dominic Cummings and the other Vote Leave gang were last seen legging it from 10 Downing Street in replay of scenes played out earlier in the pandemic.

CREDIBILITY IS SUCCESS : LCD Views‘ wish fulfilment correspondent has the scoop today on news that Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth (the second of her name) is busily rewriting her speech for this weekend.

The speech, in the works for days now, had focused on a national pep talk from the national matriarch. But events have changed the focus.

“She’s been dictating the new section all morning,” our royal insider reveals, “the sudden hope that Labour will stop being a student protest movement, run by multi-millionaire career politicians and a union boss with a flat in The Shard, who somehow managed to convince significant numbers of supporters they were out to revolutionise the lamb they grew fat off, and not just bleat from the sidelines while their social media outriders told anyone who critiqued their approach to F off and join the Tories, with an obsessive focus on internal purity contests, and actually fulfil its role of being a credible, official opposition holding the government to account, well this long sentence has Her Maj burning oil from midnight to morning. Much in the way her ancestors used to burn witches.”

And if the same long sentence has you tetchy, look up Corbyn’s history of tweets about “Jobs First Brexit” a “Brexit that protects jobs and rights” yadda yadda, and wonder why supporting the Tory’s hard right ideological aims, in the hope of somehow converting that into a socialist revolution, failed so miserably? A cold virus has done a lot more to win that argument.

“But this is a Star Wars‘ moment as Starmer sees the country’s auto-corrects tumbling all over Keri, we mean Kier, ffs! Keir Starmer,” the correspondent adds, “perhaps as a lawyer, and former Director of Public Prosecutions he maybe expected to take a much keener interest in all the blatant lawbreaking going on in government. Something his predecessor didn’t bother himself too much with.”

Good luck Starmer, you’re going to need it, rise to the challenge. Lammy, Cooper, Rayner, Phillips, Benn, Dr Rosena Allin-Khan, Kyle, Hayes, well the list of talents to fill the Shadow Cabinet with is long.

“He’s getting a good boost from the Queen at the start,” our correspondent finishes, “she’s going to use her speech to ask him to form a government.”

HUZZAH FOR GLOBAL BRITONS : The Canadian postal service is set for a record year as well wishers from the UK, and across the Commonwealth, send gazillions of letters urging Harry and Meghan, of 33 Maple Leaf Drive, Maple Town, Vancouver, CAN 34234-1A, to keep their location secret.

“This is to prevent Piers Morgan turning up with a ghetto blaster in the middle of the night and declaring his love for Meghan,” a royal watcher informs, “any day now he’s going to switch from bizarrely obsessed Twitter bully to unrequited love specialist. Although rumour suggests he’s going to be referred to Prevent in order to combat his extremist behaviour. Repent would be a better organisation of course, given his history.”

Replacing the handle Meghan Markle Lots of Extra Names Since Marriage with simply Brexit will make signing autographs a lot easier.

“It’s a real productivity boost,” the watcher nods along, tongue lolling out, “but it’s not groundbreaking. Celebrities adopting one word is well established. But what a word? It’s like wearing a Teflon jumpsuit, so far as the mainstream British press is concerned.”

How the British press will react isn’t yet certain.

“Yes it is. By reflex. Brexit can look forward to lots of wildly optimistic and positive coverage, and for the first time it will he deserved.”

And the BBC?

“Bit more ticklish for them,” the watcher shrugs, “any day now the word will come down from BBC Director General Dominic Cummings that there is to be no more mention of Brexit. And bloody hell, no one knows what will till the news cycle then. Certainly not the Intelligence Report on Russian Interference into UK democracy .”

GET WAX WORKS DONE : MADAME TUSSAUD’S has been swift to weigh into the furore over whether or not Harry Windsor-Markle-Sax Coburg and Meghan Markle-Windsor-Sax Coburg should be allowed to live their lives far away from the British gutter press.

With a speed that has dazzled, the museum has removed them. Take that!

“Madame Twoswords is famous for making two dimensional models of famous people,” our only royal correspondent pointlessly informs – breathlessly (panting over a royal spread no doubt), “they do this in noble defiance of the advent of photography and film, and often in defiance of the actual people themselves, so I’ve heard. But don’t quote me on that. It’s because wax is the way to see into someone’s soul.”

And the museum has taken Harry and Meghan’s decision as personally as Her Maj?

“Yes. This decision by the royal couple to move far away from a nation where gammon faced men huff and puff about vegan sausage rolls cuts deep. There is no suggestion that the UK gleefully re-electing Boris Johnson to be prime minister has anything to do with it. Weapon’s grade stupidity in government encased in lies and powered by the actual prime minister utilising racism whenever he feels the short term political need, what’s not to like about that? Why go?”

Baffling. So who will replace them?

“The new crown prince and princess of Britain of course,” our correspondent beams, “Boris Johnson and Carrie Current-Girlfriend are already there. Their inner depths captured perfectly in wax. Which is really the only substance that could do that. And what’s best, whenever there’s a spot of bother they both just melt away and reform again later. Some say that’s a bit of a gimmick, but I think it’s the touch of authenticity needed to compensate for the complete lack of class of the subjects, after all, the wax works will work harder than either Boris or Carrie ever will.”

NOT WAVING DROWNING : HER MAJESTY Queen Elizabeth II is finally putting her foot down with all the wayward boys causing her so much grief. At least that’s as the rumour mill has it. She’s going to put them in a room together and forget about it.

“Queen Elizabeth II isn’t giving too much away, at least not in words,” a palace insider, closely situated to someone who was waved at once by Her Majesty in the gardens of Buckingham Palace, told LCD Views (it’s an exclusive), “but it’s fair to speculate that she is finding the re-electing of the syndicate that deceived her into unlawfully proroguing parliament, just a little bit ticklish. Do the British people care for the monarchy anymore? Or do they see it about as pointless as electing a parliament via FPTP?”

But the re-election of Boris Johnson and crew does at least provide the aged monarch with an opportunity to exercise some pent up frustration.

“Andrew keeps phoning and texting to ask what the bloody hell he is supposed to do with his life now?” the insider continued, “of course he can still privately promote his passion for selling British munitions, but to be removed from royal duties? That’s a lot of standing around and pretending to like the people around you time to fill.”

So maybe a series of one offs? A sort of zero hours royal contract?

“That’s the solution. And that way Boris Johnson’s new government gets the right royal touch it deserves to start it.”

The Queen’s English remained queenly throughout her speech. But, courtiers reveal, it was a close run affair.

“Her Majesty was as close to saying ‘F*ck this sh*t!’ as she has ever been,” claimed special advisor Roy Latitude. “But she managed to hold it together and play her part to perfection.”

Latitude also disclosed that the Queen worked very hard to maintain a straight face. “I don’t think she was sure whether to laugh or cry,” he said. “Once she was safely back at Buck House, the air turned red, white and blue!”

Was it comedy, or horror? Have a look through the highlights.

“My government intends to work towards a new partnership with the European Union, based on English exceptionalism and sticking two fingers up,” said the Queen. “It also intends to research definitions for the words get, it, and done.” A ripple of suppressed laughter spread through the House.

“My government will make the trains run on time!” declared Her Majesty, to gasps of astonishment. “And, in the absence of a properly functioning government, will supply an executive replacement big red bus service!”

On care for the elderly, she said “My government will ensure Dignitas in old age.” Cries of “Shame!” were heard, many Tories applauded, and Priti Patel laughed out loud.

“My government is committed to addressing violent crime, and will fight tooth and nail to achieve it,” said the Queen. “Victimless crime, like fraud, gerrymandering and Brexit, will continue unchecked, instead of wasting money on police officers.” Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg, school bully and girly swot, actually high fived.

“New laws will be taken forward to help implement the National Health Service’s break-up and fire sale,” said Her Majesty drily, with an almost imperceptible raised eyebrow. ‘The health of British bank accounts is of paramount importance.”

The government has no majority, no mandate and no time left. Let’s hope this gets laughed out of court before the farce changes to tragedy.