The Queen’s English remained queenly throughout her speech. But, courtiers reveal, it was a close run affair.
“Her Majesty was as close to saying ‘F*ck this sh*t!’ as she has ever been,” claimed special advisor Roy Latitude. “But she managed to hold it together and play her part to perfection.”
Latitude also disclosed that the Queen worked very hard to maintain a straight face. “I don’t think she was sure whether to laugh or cry,” he said. “Once she was safely back at Buck House, the air turned red, white and blue!”
Was it comedy, or horror? Have a look through the highlights.
“My government intends to work towards a new partnership with the European Union, based on English exceptionalism and sticking two fingers up,” said the Queen. “It also intends to research definitions for the words get, it, and done.” A ripple of suppressed laughter spread through the House.
“My government will make the trains run on time!” declared Her Majesty, to gasps of astonishment. “And, in the absence of a properly functioning government, will supply an executive replacement big red bus service!”
On care for the elderly, she said “My government will ensure Dignitas in old age.” Cries of “Shame!” were heard, many Tories applauded, and Priti Patel laughed out loud.
“My government is committed to addressing violent crime, and will fight tooth and nail to achieve it,” said the Queen. “Victimless crime, like fraud, gerrymandering and Brexit, will continue unchecked, instead of wasting money on police officers.” Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg, school bully and girly swot, actually high fived.
“New laws will be taken forward to help implement the National Health Service’s break-up and fire sale,” said Her Majesty drily, with an almost imperceptible raised eyebrow. ‘The health of British bank accounts is of paramount importance.”
The government has no majority, no mandate and no time left. Let’s hope this gets laughed out of court before the farce changes to tragedy.