Category: Really fake news

WORK TO LIVE : THE PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is reported to be “deeply alarmed”, “monumentally stupefied” and “catatonic in terror” at the prospect of the shrinking UK industrial base having to cut short the working week due to the gas crisis.

So alarmed is the prime minister he has had to take a “quick getaway” to “get some perspective” on the baffling and growing crises afflicting the UK which are believed to be “coming out of nowhere”.

The decision to get away from it all has been supported by Tory MPs who are also mostly doing “fuck all” about the many problems the country now faces.

“It’s not just energy, water, food, petrol, credibility, tax increases, food poverty and the very real prospect of complete societal breakdown,” a source inside 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “MPs are also frantic at the prospect of the three day working week being introduced. None more so than the Boss.”

The concern focuses completely on the amount of work that will be expected if it happens.

“It will treble our expected weekly output,” one anonymous Tory clapping seal told LCD Views. “That is not why we entered public service. We came into politics to be bankrolled by sanctioned Russian oligarchs. Not to do any work.”

But while the MPs themselves are “mortified” the situation is of course even graver for Mr Johnson.

“It’s a bit of a maths problem we can’t work out,” an aide for the PM told this world beating publication. “He currently does no work at all ever. But if he has to start working three day weeks what is that? How do you multiply nothing and come up with a result?”

FREE SPEECH : WHATSAPP’S CRASH yesterday caused the entire system of governance of the United Kingdom to grind to a halt for several hours as a tech team was dispatched to California to turn the internet off and on again, much like that episode of South Park.

The impact was felt directly in the UK as Whatsapp has replaced the Houses of Parliament as the main chamber of government and for networking, exchanging gossip and keeping everyone’s spirits up as they trash the country.

“It was horrifying,” Tory Tory MP told LCD Views. “The hatter of second cousin twice removed had Whatsapp’d a killer meme about drowning refugees just before the crash into my local church group and I couldn’t share it to my local parliamentary group. It was heart breaking. For a moment I felt like I was facing a crushing cut to my pay while watching an inheritance millionaire Chancellor smugly celebrate his shocking rise up the greasy ladder.”

The backlog of unsent racist and sexist memes is expected to clear throughout the day now that the servers which crashed have been resurrected by tech magic (our tech correspondent is on holidays, we can’t explain it).

“It will actually be a bit of win in the end,” Tory Tory MP told LCD Views. “As we’re all at Conference together for a weeklong laugh at poor people we can just show each other the memes on our phones. Then when the texts arrive we get to laugh about it all again. Which will be nice with canapes and bubbles at lunch.”

Whatsapp? Whatsdown.

IF YOU’RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT: Put your hands together, ladies and gentlemen, for our precious and beloved economy! Because we aren’t going to do anything more constructive than that. 

Leading the regular Thursday clap for the economy will be none other than Crime Minister Boris Johnson. In other words, he will be seen to be doing something positive, without actually having to do anything at all. 

Armies of obedient MPs were sent out into the real world to push the fake narrative that Number Ten scribbled on the back of a fag packet. 

“Boris cares deeply about the economy,” said one such drone, Holden McCrownjewels, at the press conference hastily arranged to mark the announcement. “This is the beginning of a huge turnaround! Not a U-turn, not a policy failure, and definitely not Gesture Politics!” 

Quite how this squares with Johnson’s unguarded “fuck business” comment, nobody knows. The hopeless hired hacks lapped it all up like the obedient poodles they are. 

It was the same everywhere. The BBC, ITV, Sky, all had the same spiel from identikit MPs like Una Bashed and Lister Platt-Etudes. All of them delivered their words while secretly hoping it wasn’t Thursday. 

Channel 4 tried to get under the skin of one such unfortunate. This led to him droning on about vaccines and how useless Labour are, but no further clarity on economic policy. 

One thing, however, is certain. Boris Johnson will milk the publicity until The People realise that making a noise once a week does nothing to prevent the economy tanking. Since they will likely no longer have a job or a home, thanks to the dying economy, they will be outside anyway, and may as well clap to keep warm. 

Thank you, economy! Thank you and good night. All good things come to an end. We’ll miss you. 

GRIN WHEN YOU’RE WINNING : DOWNING STREET has shown just how serious it is today about cutting up all that smothering EU red tape by legalising punching yourself in the face.

The decision to make “battering yourself silly in public” legal was taken to give British voters a way to show everyone exactly what Brexit means.

“It won’t just be punching yourself in the face,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “British subjects can also hit themselves in the head with sticks. Impress their neighbours by kicking themselves in the nuts, if they have them, or just the general area if they don’t, we’re still working out the finer details. But have at it! Go totally Brexit on yourself.”

Supporters of the Johnson government have welcomed the new law as “long overdue” and simply decriminalising an activity that has become a national past time since the 24/06/16.

“You won’t see the weak willed Continentals publicly giving themselves black eyes,” the source enthused. “This law is based in British values and tells everyone exactly who we now are.”

Responding for the EU though a spokesman just sighed and said “It’s been obvious what you’re doing the whole time”.

“Watch Johnny Foreigner run from our borders now!” the Downing Street source added. “They don’t want the dry cleaning bills you get standing next to a patriotic denizen of this sceptred isle. We’re the best! We’re world leading at hitting ourselves in the head! Now. Watch me curl my fist up and knock my lights out while shouting about the German Automakers!”

CARRY ON HENRYING : Downing Street have taken a decisive step backwards to drive Global Britain forwards with the creation of a new public holiday.

Work has been ongoing for sometime now to determine which British achievements to celebrate with a day off for everyone, except the NHS and care workers. It was decided that the best way to promote a renewed sense of being British would be to pick one of our Great British monarchs, and celebrate their greatest achievements.

“We narrowed the choice down to one of the Henry’s,” a 10 Downing Street source says. “From there it was just following the PM’s order to choose the one who most wound up the French! Ha! Jolly good japes.”

The first Agincourt Day will be held on this year’s anniversary of the 24th of October and involve local fairs and pageants across Britain.

“Wife sales. Ducking stools. Bear baiting. Witch trials. Bubonic plague. Mass execution of peasants after a failed peasant revolt. All the great features of traditional 15th Century British culture will be celebrated and renewed. And with Union Flag bunting!”

Free DVD’s of the day will be shipped to France, as soon as someone can work out how to export them.

“It’s really going to promote a sense of national unity. Everyone needs to laugh and cheer and hate the Continent. It’s how we’ll capitalise on the opportunities of Brexit.”

To really make the day memorable too actors will be employed to replicate Henry V’s death from the runs after he’d secured France for his descendants.

“That will be the most Brexit part of Agincourt Day. Be sure to bring the kids. And if like the PM you tire of your wife easily, why not bring her along and sell her for someone else’s? Tory MPs especially are going to see that aspect is a tour de force.”

Agincourt Day – Get involved and feel truly British!

JOHN BULL WALKS HERE : DOWNING STREET have taken a decisive step today to help everyone forget about the looming cut to Universal Credit, and the natural increase in food bank use, by announcing a renewal of national symbols.

But the geniuses driving the United Kingdom forward at breakneck speed aren’t talking about polishing brass necks on old statues this time. This time it’s putting the Union Flag visibly in front of everyone. This will deal a death blow to the various separatist movements currently building up a “baffling head of steam” under King Boris.

“We’re starting with pedestrian crossings,” a 10 Downing Street source said. “Just imagine the shame and humiliation of your walk of shame home, after your first food bank visit, being transformed into an inflated sense of national worth as you see the red, white and blue painted on the road before you?”

The decision to paint the UK’s forty seven million zebra crossings will also be a huge boost to the domestic paint manufacturing industry. Additionally it will provide much need additional work for people about to lose £20 a week off the food budget, while already working several jobs.

The are further plans to hang Union Flag bunting between every single lamp post and telephone pole in the country to ensure that “Everyone knows they are British regardless of the empty supermarket shelves. Everyone except people Priti Patel decides isn’t”.

It’s rumoured the country’s zoos will be engaged to provide mascots for the revealing of each new “nationally energised, British crosswalk”. The hope being live zebras will be dyed red, white and blue and stationed at crossings to get “even the gloomiest naysayer excited about being British”.

Concerns about having people symbolically walk all over the flag have been dismissed by asking those furrowed brows to think about “every single action taken already by the Prime Minister and his cabinet”.

101 DUMBNATIONS : Great news today for bleeding hearts after Priti Patel was confirmed as keeping her job in Boris Johnson’s “underwhelming” reshuffle.

There had been speculation the energetic Home Secretary would be replaced, but that was only by people who temporarily forgot that Boris Johnson doesn’t care about the ministerial code, workplace bullying and the rule of law. Silly people.

Ms Patel has made a deep impression since her career was revived by Mr Johnson after Ms Patel broke the ministerial code by running a secret foreign policy agenda, and she would have been driven out of politics if the Conservatives cared about anything other than tax havens.

Granted the deep impression made is confined to eroding trust in Westminster governance across the four nations of the U.K. and the physical impressions of people protesting peacefully into the dirt.

It’s rumoured there was a brief discussion between the PM and the HS in which Ms Patel thanked Mr Johnson for his ongoing confidence and promised to “build a 100ft high piñata of a war refugee at Dover and beat it with sticks”.

While some big names did return to the back benches in the day of the blunt knives, they have been replaced by equal, and perhaps greater, levels of vacuity and incompetence. The ship of state is steady on its course.

Ms Patel is due to address the Commons later and will deliver a speech in which she will say she “still has so much love to give” before bursting into an insane and threatening cackle lasting several hours.

Afterwards she will say how much she is looking forward to the winter food riots and “taking the stick to Universal Credit claimants with an enthusiasm last seen in the ‘eorgian period.”

Further celebrations will involve a synchronised display of jet ski racists in the English Channel as the first blows are struck at the refugee piñata.

MEAT AND TWO VEG : Visionary British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to have had ENOUGH of the endless newspaper headlines about the worsening poverty stats in the U.K. and is going to act.

The deepening crisis of poverty has been a growing blot on the landscape of one of the world’s richest tax havens since 2010, with no one at all able to work out what changed in 2010 to cause it. Luckily for the U.K. it now has a PM with a plan.

Mr Johnson is said to have hit on the idea of a massive jobs programme for poor children after a dream in which he was a Georgian monarch saw him preside over full employment for the under 10’s.

“The second Channel Tunnel will put right what the first one put wrong,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It will still head off towards Calais before making a sharp turn just before France and doubling back to England. Here it will become a tangled spaghetti with no end in sight.”

The scheme is expected to employ every “able child” that can be found and will provide an education that better “prepares the UK’s poverty wracked students for a bread and water future.”

The building project has won the backing of the Chancellor too. This will pour water into troubled oils after Rishi Sunak is said to have cancelled the planned bridge to Northern Ireland to keep Dominic Raab happy who it is reported is unable to understand how an area of the U.K. can be in the U.K. but not physically attached.

Bunting will be hung at the spot outside Dover where construction will begin and the theme music to Dambusters played as scurvy addled, rickets wracked youngsters pick up their shovels and hoes and break ground. Forget those fronted adverbials you’ve got rocks to break!

“It will be a boom time for both the hi vis and professional photography sectors of the U.K. economy,” the Downing Street source said. “During the projected 10 year construction period the PM will visit daily to pose in energetic and visionary positions as the emaciated poor of Tory Britain struggle to breathe in the lengthening tunnel.”

But it’s not just excellent use of a pool of idle and as yet untapped underprivileged workers. It’s also a finger in the eye of Brussels.

“The EU aren’t involved,” the source exalts. “They’ll have to deal with knowing we’re excavating the longest, deepest man made tunnel on Earth and it’s going to backtrack under our British backsides while they stand there fuming over child Labour labour laws. It’s a tangible victory for Brexit Britain which sits neatly on the shelf next to an empty pint glass with a crown on it.”

WILL OF THE PEOPLE : DOWNING STREET is said to be in a “dismissive” mood today after a petition targeting the Prime Minister launched and instantly hit one million signatures.

The petition addresses suggestions that Boris Johnson will this week lay out his vision for the months leading up to Christmas this year. And it’s got anyone with a functioning memory terrified.

“Remember last year?” one signatory commented. “He said he was going to save Christmas and then 10’s of 1,000’s of people died avoidably in a resurgent pandemic. Heaven forbid he tries to save Christmas again. Just let it go. Let’s skip it.”

It’s unlikely the petition will be heeded by the executive and some fear it will just encourage Mr Johnson to go further than he plans already.

“The people only get to decide government policy in criminally corrupted referendums,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “Anything else is none of their business. I would suggest the people who started this petition take it down immediately. The PM is guaranteed to do the opposite, just to show them who’s boss.”

It’s unlikely either side will budge though and the petition is expected to top 10M signatures before the end of the day.

“He gave us pestilence for Christmas last year,” another signatory noticed, “so if he’s going to try and stop the supply chain crisis he created from ruining Christmas this year that means famine. It’s like he’s working through the list of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. He’s a right shite Father Christmas.”

SUPER SPREADER MAN : The PM who visited a hospital heaving with novel virus patients early on in the pandemic, and famously shook hands with everybody, and later caught the virus, is at it again. He charmed the sick and the dying last year and he can charm you when his latest big red bus of lies tour!

“The Prime Minister has reacted to the weird poll result showing the Tories polling below Labour by going on campaign. Good governance won’t fix this. Pulling Labour into an own goal like last year’s Oven Ready Brexit vote in parliament will,” a 10 Downing Street announced.

“Johnson is going on a charm offensive and the offensive is guaranteed. We just need a slogan. Anyone got one spare? Eager Tory supporters are encouraged to look out for the big red bus painted in lies arriving in their street some day soon. Red Wall voters get your bunting out because the king in the south is coming! And he’s going to tell you the shelves are full, the pandemic is over, UK is stronger than ever and the French are in disarray over Dover customs delays.”

The decision to campaign will allow the PM to avoid the policy crisis he’s created for a few weeks. It’s hoped by the time he gets back to Westminster it will time for October half term and a well earned holiday.

“The polling slump was caused by the pingdemic. Not Afghanistan. Not empty shelves. Not full hospitals. Not the UC cut by billionaires in cabinet. Not the triple lock pension smash by millionaires and billionaires in cabinet. Inherited wealth knows best!”

To govern is to choose. Not a hope in hell of Johnson doing that well. But he can do what he does best. He can shake hands with everybody and tell them they just have to believe. Like the bus.