Category: Really fake news

Beware the Saga louts! Wetherspoons, the aggressively brexity discount cheap ‘n’ cheerless pub chain, has moved into booze cruises.

The target market is old, white, racist couples seething with latent anger. Gammon is most definitely on the menu.

“It’s a cruise to die on!” said Spoons-on-Sea spokesman India Pailayle. “I mean, die for, of course, silly me. Our customers can spend all day drinking watered down lager, eating chips and moaning about foreigners for under £10 a day!”

Customers will be vetted prior to boarding. They will be asked to read a copy of the Daily Mail. Anyone turning purple and experiencing a near-aneurysm will be accepted gladly.

Spoons has bought a number of derelict cruise ships and barely converted them. These floating locals will float local people to glamorous, far-flung locations such as Rockall and the Dogger Bank.

Typical of the sea-going Spoons is the aptly named HMS Chris Grayling. The entire interior has been refitted to create a bar the length of the ship, complete with sticky carpet and Brexit Party propaganda.

The interior is decorated with black and white wartime reproduction photographs. The big screens show WW2 films and documentaries, and Vera Lynn’s Greatest Hits plays continuously.

“Our slogan is, from here to infirmity!” claimed Pailayle. “I mean, from here to eternity, of course. You can waste away those empty hours while you complain about the iron-grey North Sea and the driving rain.”

Big-haired small-faced Wetherspoons owner Tim Martin’s bizarre Europhobia means that the cruises will remain in British waters at all times. Seasick OAPs will be instructed to heave up their dodgy guts on the European side of the ship.

Getting high on the high seas where there are no brown people is an attractive prospect for many an old leaver. Like rats leaving on a sinking ship as they sink their watery pints and reminisce about a fictional past. Whatever floats your boat!

MAKE IT SHORT AND MAKE IT SNAPPY : Queen Elizabeth is reported (in a way that means completely fabricated) to be “beside herself with anticipation” at giving her first Queen’s Speech to re-open Parliament.

The tradition of the constitutional monarch sitting in a big golden chair goes back a long way and is used to display the Queen’s excellent collection of hats.

It also has the added benefit of looking good for postcards. Sometimes it is used by the Queen to send subtle messages to her humble servants in Parliament. Like when she wore that giant EU flag hat.

“It’s also used to set out the government’s priorities for a new session of Parliament,” our constitutional expert (using that term loosely) chipped in, “although this speech will be pretty brief because it’s all just a bit of smoke and mirrors on the executive’s part. They’re desperate to dissolve Parliament again as soon as it sits again. Not only to evade scrutiny, which dissolves Boris Johnson like sulphuric acid, but because they need a general election before they’re ousted.”

Quite what the Queen will be given to say isn’t certain.

“Dominic Cummings will be writing it, so you can bet it will be totally genius,” our expert nods, “by expert I mean of the kind that thinks everyone else is an idiot.”

Although it is rumoured that the aged monarch is looking for a sub this time, as she’s still bloody furious about being stitched up in the prorogation of Parliament. A matter now under consideration by the UK’s Supreme Court.

“Dominic will probably offer to give it himself,” our expert chances, “which isn’t a bad call. It’s almost guaranteed to be an exercise in self-defeating mendacity. So why not have an expert in that realm make the delivery?”

SEE ONLY WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE : Useful intelligence where it’s lacking today after 10 Downing Street hired a special fx expert famous for work in fantasy movies.

The rapid hire is believed to result from the way the general public hand Mr Johnson his arse whenever he goes outside and meets them.

“By use of the technique called Chroma Keying, used in movies and news casting, we can overlay more sympathetic backgrounds and better members of the public for Mr Johnson,” a Downing Street ‘source’ advised, “sunlit uplands, frolicking unicorns and adoring blonde women, falling at his feet, will be all anyone sees from now on.”

The move has been met with approval by the PR industry, who are currently mostly baffled by Mr Johnson’s faceplanting each time he goes outside.

“Thankfully digital technology is so advanced these days we can place Mr Johnson in wards of adoring patients at a fictional NHS hospital. Their hands outstretched towards Boris in the hope of being healed by touching.”

It’s thought if the technique proves successful, and resets Mr Johnson’s reputation back to as a man of the people, and not some overgrown, spoilt, posh boy hearing no for the first time in his life, then it will be utilised for the business of governance.

“We’re not really governing anyway,” the source added, “just making a bucket load of campaign videos for a general election that is not currently happening. But one day we will have to at least pretend to be governing, so then we can use blue screen and arrive at a much more acceptable degree of success in the House of Commons.”

I’M GOING INSIDE I MAYBE SOME TIME : Famous British navigator and confused Foreign Secretary, Dominic “Raging Bull” Raab, has stepped out of the Tory trench today to make himself a target for sharpshooters, instead of Boris Johnson.

The welcome act of self-sacrifice will surprise many, seeing as it’s Dominic Raab, who generally prefers to sacrifice other, poorer people. People who may have temporary cash flow problems. People who maybe feminists.

“I drew Boris the map,” Mr Raab told LCD Views, sheepishly, “I’m sure it was a very good map. I used my bestest crayons and butcher’s paper with only a few stains from last week’s sacrificial lamb.”

Oh, tell us about the sacrificial lamb? Do you mean you ate lamb?

“No. We sacrificed a lamb. It’s part of the price we pay for Brexit. Brexit God hungry. Brexit God want sacrifice. I couldn’t get hold of the withering vine of financial services in time so I bought a lamb to the service. But we’re here to talk about my specialist subject. Maps.”

Okay. What colours did you use on the map?

“My favourite. Blue. Purple. And that light blue Nigel likes. I drew a good map. Any fool could follow it.”

And you drew the podium on the map? In Luxembourg?

“Yes. I drew Dover and Calais and Luxembourg. I even put a rectangle around Luxembourg. I wrote enter here. I wrote ‘Broom Cupboard’ next to it to give a point of reference.”

So why do you think Boris Johnson couldn’t follow the map?

“I drew a dragon. A big, noisy dragon shouting boo at the side of the podium so he wouldn’t go that way and get lost. The dragon was called ‘A few dozen angry British ex-pats’.”

Don’t you think you should have called them immigrants?

“No. We’re special like that. Would you like me to draw you a map?”

Thank you, but no, we prefer to know where we’re going.

THE RIGHT FLAG AT THE PROMS : The BBC has issued new guidelines for acceptable crowd behaviour at its most famous annual event, the Last Night at the Proms.

“Ever since the people of England overwhelmingly voted for Brexit in a free, fair and completely uncorrupted, binding opinion poll,” the BBC Parochial Correctness Gone Mad Attaché told LCD Views, “culturally corrupted individuals have been attempting to ruin the purity of the Proms. This will stop after Brexit, thanks to new powers we will possess after legislation covering human rights and free speech has been corrected.”

In particular the new guidelines will focus on flags and the waving of flags.

“Too many people have been seen to sow dissent during our entirely British musical experience by waving flags of the enemy power across the channel. We will be putting a stop to this.”

Initially the thinking was to only allow people to enter Albert Hall for the last night in the nude, but that was put on the back burner in case people attempted to enter with the wrong flag planted in their bums.

“We simplified the vetting criteria by deciding only people with Saint George flags tattooed on their faces can now come along. This way we will know everyone is a patriot and no one is hiding an EU flag.”

The music will also be much safer.

“Only Land of Hope and Glory will now be played, repeatedly, with a little God Save The Queen thrown in, so long as she agrees to continually prorogue parliament.”

What about Rule Britannia?

“Good suggestion. So only Land of Hope and Glory, God Save The Queen and Rule Britannia. And now foreign flags in bottoms.”

Last Night at the Proms. After Brexit, we’re going to make a success of it, and do it as patriots.

UP IN SMOKE : The government is finally getting some much needed praise today after its No Deal planning detailed contingencies for medical shortages.

Alarm had been raised in remoaning print media about the difficulties people with potentially life threatening conditions may face in the event of a No Deal Brexit, but HMG has not allayed all concerns.

Under the plan diabetics will be encouraged to fill their car trunks up with duty free cigarettes, as Brexit provides the long awaited opportunity to bring back a traditional British past time. This being things are so bloody expensive at home, it’s either find an off licence which deals under the counter in black market produce, or dash across the channel for the day and take your pick of a number of exciting opportunities.

People worried about radioactive isotopes needn’t concern themselves with pushing for an end to Brexit either.

“The nations politics are already ground zero,” a leave supporting, struck off Doctor advises, “so just fill your veins with publicly paid for government propaganda and relax. Failing that, pop over to France and buy endless litres of duty free plonk. It couldn’t be simpler.”

But critics have been quick to point out that previous administrations have spent years attempting harm reduction as regards addictive substances, and this is potentially a step backwards?

“That’s just traitor speak. The work of fifth columnists,” the struck off, awaiting prosecution Doctor dismissed the criticisms, “you’re hardly going to be worried about developing liver failure or COPD when you’re filling in the fields of Jacob’s estates now, are you? In fact, in Brexitannia all ways to shorten your life expectancy are to be welcomed.”

But there are still one or two persistent critics. Certain loudmouths saying that if a voluntary change in government policy will potentially lead to unnecessary deaths, then that policy should not be pursued. Even going so far as to accuse the MPs involved of gross negligence.

“This just shows a need to update the duties of MPs,” the malpractice suit said, “update it for Brexit. The only thing that matters is hedge funds and currency speculators getting a pay off. That’s now an MP’s most important focus. Here, have a Marlboro.”

LOOK UP IN THE SKY : British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has craftily redirected attention away from the all consuming bin fire that is his premiership and out into space.

“No one will be talking about how Boris and Dom are trying to run down the Brexit clock and crash out of the EU if they’re looking at the stars,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “they’ll also stop talking about the contradiction between claiming to want to turbo boost parliamentary sovereignty and silencing parliament. And cleverly, this way the only clock the people will be focused on is the big one counting down to blast off to Pluto. It’s genius. Even if it never happens.”

The mission has a familiar price tag too.

“£350m a week is all it will cost to get to the outer reaches of our solar system and rescue that famous dog,” the source said, “and that’s a lot of nurses, doctors, teachers and firemen right there. People will unite behind this moon shot. I mean dog shot.”

But critics of the mission to Pluto have criticised the language used by the Downing Street source.

“They are going to shoot the dog? A dog shot? Is that past tense? Is it even grammatically correct? Dog shot? And why aren’t we talking about the bridge to Ireland? Weren’t we building that yesterday? 35miles of bridge foundations across a dump of WW2 munitions? Is the space mission just a dead cat? Is that even a constellation? Dead Cat? Is it next to Scorpio? It’s almost as if creating confusion is a way of governance.”

But critics of the critics, across social media, have criticised the critics for not focusing on the real reason behind the mission to Pluto.

“Given that the initial plans for the spacecraft are composed of one yellowhammer, several folders full of civil disorder and a bag of cheap mobile phones with the sim cards snapped in two, I think everyone is missing the real reason for going to Pluto. It’s not about a dog. It’s about burying bad news.”

NO HONOUR LOST : Larry the Cat has dealt a severe blow to the otherwise august reputation of former Prime Minister Theresa May.

The reason appears to be his disdain at inclusion on the so called honours list submitted by the prime minister, theoretically to award people for public service, but seen by many as being purely self-serving cronyism.

“Have you seen who else was on the list?” an aide working at the 10 Downing Street Mouser Department said, “Geoffrey Boycott. Nick Timothy. And others. Do you really think any self-respecting people manager like Larry wants to be tainted by association?”

Quite why Ms May choose to include the tireless feline isn’t clear, although many suspect it’s just a blatant play to appear human.

“Larry isn’t going to lower himself into a scheme to retrospectively make that individual appear cute and cuddly, which is frankly impossible.”

But what gong was Larry down to receive?

“Does it matter? He’s a cat. He couldn’t care too hoots what a former bipedal servant thinks. Save it.”

You know what they say, dogs have masters and cats have staff. And this master is completely disinterested in the desperate machinations of a former employee.

“She would have been better off knighting her pot plant. At least it was prepared to listen to her rant and rave about citizens of nowhere.”

BORROWED TIME BORIS BOOSTED : The flailing administration temporarily installed in 10 Downing Street has received a much needed kick in the pants today with the assurance that one minister will remain loyal.

“Priti Patel is expected to release a statement shortly reassuring Prime Minister Short Cummings that she will not be resigning from the government in principle,” a fictional Downing Street source made up for our amusement, “you may remember Priti Patel? She had to resign from May’s government as International Degeneration Secretary when it was discovered she was running her own foreign policy?”

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2017/nov/08/priti-patel-forced-to-resign-over-unofficial-meetings-with-israelis

Home Secretary Ms Patel also recently made headlines, and made us all proud on Blightly, when she suggested we could deal with the Irish backstop problem with food shortages. She clearly took her inspiration from a classic of colonial era policy.

But mercifully for Mr Johnson, Ms Patel, is not the only Conservative MP expected to stay in the ditches and fight with Mr Johnson.

“Irritable Duncan Syndrome is also expected to pledge his undying support for the hard Brexit government,” the source continued to fabricate, “which given he is encouraging Mr Johnson to martyr himself for Brexit is nice. You know what they say about rule of law, it’s for poor people, it’s not for the government.”

LCD Views would like to commend Mr Johnson for his work thus far since being crowned Prime Minister. He, and his colleagues, are living down to our expectations, but doing so with a frenzy and self-destructive efficiency that we didn’t foresee.

BACK TO THE FALLING BOARD : Fresh blows for beleaguered prime minister Boris Johnson keep reigning down and it’s revealed today his application to join the Libdems has been turned down.

“It was Dominic’s latest master plan,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “as soon as Amber Rudd announced her resignation from the cabinet, and the party, he knew his master plan to dominate the Sunday morning news cycle was toast.”

It’s believed the genius behind the lies on the bus wasn’t about to be waylaid from rebranding Boris, relaunching and recouping the coup.

“Just because Amber Rudd suddenly realised the only women in Johnson PR photos were barefoot, pregnant and in a kitchen. And thus her probable future in the post Brexit government would only be tasering women who wouldn’t allow themselves to be handmaidens for Farages. She re-found her famous principles in the lost and found, where she always looks for them, and got out of town.”

But this left Dominic curious, not because she was going, but because the established narrative of being a master of plans was once again torpedoed.

“But he’s not taking this lying down. He’s certainly taking it lying, that’s par for course. Boris was desperate though. How to get back ahead of the game?”

The answer was obvious.

“Given that the majority of Tory MPs will soon be Libdems, along with a sizeable wedge of Labour, if Labour don’t actually abandon Brexit as policy and go full Revoke and remain, it’s clear that the Libdems were going to need to win over the prime minister. They needed Boris.”

So Cummings applies for him?

“Yep, forged his signature and all. But it doesn’t appear to have worked. They don’t want him. But it’s not all lost. Nigel has offered him a discount if he wants to become a supporter of his limited Brexit conspiracy, I mean company. He’ll get a coffee mug and all.”