Category: Really fake news

STOP AT NOTHING : Excellent and accurate results from the country’s favourite search engine today with any search for the Conservative Party GE2019 manifesto taking searchers to the correct website.

“I wanted to know what price they’d be charging Donald Trump for the NHS so I decided to look for their campaign manifesto,” Mrs Ord Inary of Knockersknee (a Conservative target seat) told LCD Views, “so I went to Goggle and typed in Tory Party election manifesto 2019.”

The search resulted in Crimestoppers coming out top of the search results, followed by Taxdodges4U and TheTruthisDover.

“It was a funny kind of manifesto as it lists first off all the sitting and recently stood down Tory MPs and the relevant fiscal or sexual harassment crimes,” Mrs Inary-Citizen revealed, “it then goes on to table the various acts sitting cabinet ministers were fired from cabinet over in the previous years.”

But that’s not all?

“No it’s not. What follows is a lengthy listing of the lies told during the E.U. referendum campaign, the vested offshore money interests behind it and lastly, how many people have been adversely impacted by Universal Credit and Iain Duncan Smith in general. Oh and a bonus feature showing how privatisation has cost the country billions and caused misery for voters. It’s a fantastical prospectus.”

But what about MPs and their links to electoral crimes? And all the appalling, democracy destroying cons the Cons are currently running? Seeing as they can’t run on their record in government?

“Oh, the site says it’s under construction, an entire separate website. It’s going to be massive. Your honour.”

Crimestoppers adds a further note that if you or any of your family see a Conservative parliamentary candidate in your neighbourhood today, you should immediately seek shelter and call the relevant authorities.

The Brexit Party is celebrating its success in the 2019 general election by issuing a cheeky calendar. Each month will feature Ann Widdecombe in the buff.

Our embarrassment will be covered by strategically placed copies of the Daily Mail and pictures of Nigel Farage. Widdecombe herself is famously unembarassable.

“My fans have been begging me to bare all for years!” she boasts. “I’ve been saving myself for Nigel!”

The calendar has been described as ‘racy, saucy and a little bit naughty’ by party members who haven’t seen a woman in the altogether since The War.

LCD Views Exit Poll (aka Withdrawal Agreement) correspondent encountered Nigel Farage having a fag outside the Cash Launderette. Why Ann Widdecombe, we asked.

“Obviously these calendars require a popular and attractive figure, with a decent, erm, figure,” he coughed. “Ann was the obvious choice. We asked Annunziata Rees-Mogg, but she refused to bare as much as a single ankle!”

Define your party’s success, we demanded.

“We have put the cat among the pigeons, a spanner in the works, and the bluff into double bluff,” wheezed Farage through a cloud of Players No 1. “We won’t win any seats, goodness knows Joe Public is sick and tired of Brexit, but we exist to cause chaos, and are doing extremely well!”

Let’s face it, we persisted. If you succeed by some horrible chance of fate, and Brexit happens, you are instantly irrelevant and unemployed. Success means failure, so you can only succeed by failing, can’t you?

Farage gave that sort of horrified expression common to Tory ministers asked a straight question, and to Keir Starmer in doctored video clips.

“Nonsense!” he spluttered eventually. “Poppycock and piffle! Erm, I think my money, I mean my clothes, are freshly laundered now, excuse me…”

He stubbed out his tab and vanished.

Order now! The perfect gift for the Wetherspoons resident in your life!

THURSDAY NOVEMBER 14th – Excited Britons will be going to the polls earlier than anticipated after authorities brought forward the date of the General Election.

“Health and safety gone sane,” our Whitehall correspondent reveals, “that’s the thinking behind the move. Rail, hail, shine or plague of unseasonal locusts, Britons will get the chance to decide their future next week, after careful consideration of Russian and US billionaire backed misinformation campaigns on social media.”

But not everyone is happy with the turbocharged election date, with some opposition amongst would be MPs smelling a rat.

“It’s because of Boris Johnson and fears he may escape his handlers again, like what happened over in NI last week,” our chief political reporter guessed, “even though anyone who will vote for Boris has clearly had a lobotomy, or has shares in private US health, he can’t keep showing up like a Fast Show tribute act and it not eventually impact on the polls. Five more weeks of drunk uncle Alexander de Prattle? Holding forth on how the surrender of Singapore in WW2 was actually a victory greater than Dunkirk? Pass the port!”

Still, while individual parliamentary candidates may find the shorter time to get their local voters acquainted with their face alarming, there is also suspicion that the decision isn’t Whitehall exercising due care over the country, but actually coordinated between the major party leaders.

“It’s not just the Tories who will benefit from a truncated campaign. Labour can only say ‘credible Brexit’ so many times before people start to realise it’s an oxymoron akin to ‘Jobs first Brexit’. Remember that old chestnut? They stopped saying it once all the jobs started going first due to Brexit. Bit sticky for a party that’s supposed to represent workers, if there’s a decreasing number of workers to represent thanks to the moral validation of Brexit by the party leadership.

“And it’s possible the Liberal Democrats will benefit from a shorter campaign alongside the two big parties. That Swinson bus is going to breakdown somewhere in the country and cause a public health crisis amongst Labour meme makers as their brains explode in delight.

“Then of course the SNP will be perfectly happy to go and vote next Thursday. Greater turn out, not so deep into winter, and Sturgeon will be able to proclaim unilateral Scottish independence by Saturday.”

But putting the speculation aside, it’s probably for the best that the GE is happening this Thursday, from a public health standpoint. There’s only so much political verbal diarrhoea the country can be expected to ingest.

“And it means we can have a second GE on December 12th,” our correspondent smiles, “don’t scrub that date in your diary just yet. The first one is going to return a Parliament so hung it’s going to need a second soon after to sort out. But this time with everyone getting involved in tactical voting pacts.”

And we mean everyone, that’s it if you really want to GTTO.

AREA NO ONE : Deep in the desert east of Blackpool the local inhabitants of the small hamlet of Frederick are starting to question some strange goings on.

“For several days now locals have been reporting sightings of Tories,” our roaming GE correspondent reports from Flintoff, a few miles down the road from Frederick, “nothing like it has been seen since the late 1960’s and the build up to the lunar landings. Oh, and since mid 2017.”

But it’s not just the sightings of so many Tories that’s unusual. It’s who is with them.

“It’s clearly a film studio ready to get to work,” our reporter continues, “this morning, near to dawn, as I crept through the frost brittle grass I spied technicians erecting thousands of cardboard cutout Britons in a field. At the same time an audio system played the sounds of wild adulation from crowds.”

But that wasn’t all.

“Before long a bleary eyed blonde man, his hair ruffled as if by fighting ferrets, drove into the scene on a golf cart. He waved to the cardboard crowd and they waved back. Well, I say waved, technicians pulled on ropes attached to the arms of the cut outs causing them to rise and fall.”

The golf cart stuttered to a halt in the middle of the “crowd” of adoring supporters and the blonde man shambled out to face his cardboard army.

“Global Britons!” the blonde man boomed, “I stand before you today just a man. But a man standing on the shoulders of waffle! Clenching the fist of piffle! British knees firm! Together we will unleash the potential of whatever is left of the United Kingdom once I’ve secured an even shorter, second term as prime minister!”

Mad applause! Several cardboard cutouts collapsed in euphoria and were ferried out on stretchers by extras playing ambulance crews.

“Together we will get Brexit done! A credible Brexit that will mean only 10 to 20 years afterwards in trade negotiations with the entire world as we look forward to the point 50 years from now when Jacob has identified a benefit.”

More mad applause. One of the cutouts, helium balloons clenched in its fist, began to rise above the others, drifting slowly in the breeze to exit stage right.

“At this point a man who looked eerily similar to James Cleverly was escorted by armed guards, his mouth gagged, to an area where a blow up replica of Kay Burley waited with an empty chair,” our reporter adds, “and then a few strains of The Star Spangled Banner were heard, before a hushed silence fell.”

The blonde shamblaholic gave the thumbs up and the gag was removed from Mr Cleverly’s mouth.

“Now Kay,” he began, “I can call you Kay? May I sit in this chair? Reports that we have been playing the American anthem at our rallies and not God Save The Queen are spurious assaults on the credibility of the most honest and hardworking government the world has ever seen.”

And all together the army of cardboard began to chant “Lock her up! Lock her up!” and Mr Johnson got back into his golf cart and began to drive slowly from the scene…

Boris Johnson has had some crazy ideas since becoming prime minister, but his final act before the dissolving of parliament (which sadly does not involve any hydrochloric acid) is undoubtedly his worst yet.

He has demanded that all would-be voters going into polling stations on the 12th of December produce a card confirming membership of the Conservative party before they are allowed to place their cross on the ballot paper.

“It’s absolutely ideal,” he told the assembled press. “We want to make sure the right party wins, and this will ensure this. Especially if this winter is as bad as the forecasters are suggesting – it’ll kill off half our voting base, and we can’t have all those wrinklies dying before they’ve elected me prime minister, can we? I mean it’s all right if they pop their clogs after I’m PM, but we can’t risk it just yet.”

That tells you all you need to know about who Boris Johnson really cares about – Boris Johnson.

Jacob Rees-Mogg was also very enthusiastic about the plan.

“It’ll eliminate the riffraff coming in and voting the wrong way,” he said, looking down his nose. “Far too many people get to have a say in general elections nowadays. It’s just common sense to leave the decision-making to a few qualified people, and a conservative party membership card is the best qualification I can think of.”

However the plan is not popular with anyone other than tories. All the other party leaders were quick to condemn the move.

“A move like this is a blatant attempt to seize power by any dishonest means and subjugate the masses,” Jeremy Corbyn said. It’s disgraceful.”

“Disgusting,” put in Jo Swinson.

“Despicable,” added Nicola Sturgeon.

Even Nigel Farage was against it, but I couldn’t be bothered listening to his rhetoric, and I hadn’t even asked him for his opinion anyway as he’s not electable.

Rumour has it that forgers are already dropping all other jobs and mass-producing passable fake Tory party membership cards to enable the more human sect of the voting population to have their say. For obvious reasons we could get no official confirmation of this, but we wish them the best of luck.

SHAGGING FOR BRITAIN : Great news today for Conservative and Unionist Party supporters worried about the size of the party’s GE war chest. Outgoing Prime Minister Boris “Shagger” Johnson has come up with a solution which will display his virility to full impact.

The solution, according to news we’ve just fabricated this morning, is that outgoing Prime Minister Boris “Bonkers” Johnson is to fill the old war chest by putting himself out to stud.

“He’ll service any species,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “it doesn’t have to be human. Horse. Bullock. Canine. Feline. Soft furnishings. Home hubs. Sports cars. Light aircraft. Your sense of security. He’ll shag it senseless.”

What fee the outgoing Prime Minister will charge will depend on the number of services and the length of time the client wishes to spend with the prize bull of British politics.

“Clearly a lot of people have been getting screwed by Boris for free,” the source continues, “which in hindsight doesn’t seem in keeping with modern Conservative thinking on the economy. Although, to be really in keeping I guess Boris should be outsourcing the stud servicing to Donald Trump. But he’s too busy shagging America just now. So homegrown talent will have to do.”

As part of the fundraising drive an app will be released that will allow interested customers to book a stud time and pay the money immediately.

“This is the modern world,” the source added, “it’s not enough to just con and shakedown pensioners who will need their reserves to pay for that hip replacement post Brexit. Social media advertising is expensive. It’s good to know England has a primed prime minister willing to go to whatever lengths are needed to shag all the nations of the UK at once.”

It’s not clear yet what the app will be called. But a team are working on it and once the focus grouping has identified the best title it will be released. In the meantime you can arrange to be visited by Boris “Screwfast” Johnson by phoning an 0870 number.

“I think they should call the app ‘Classic Dom’,” the source finished, “or maybe ‘Short Cummings’, as it’s sure to be oversubscribed upon release and Boris shagged off his feet.”

Shagging for Britain? Someone has to get their pants down and do it, and it won’t come cheap.

COUNTDOWN CLOCK : TORY MP FOR IDIOCY, MARK FRANCOIS, IS REPORTED to have been moved to an ice bath this morning in a desperate attempt to keep his core temperature low.

“Mr Francois is being treated inside a secure, underground facility, last used to test small, very small, tactical nuclear weapons in the 1950’s,” a spokesman for the Army Bomb Disposal Unit told LCD Views, “he is being monitored around the clock and a trained robot is adding additional ice to the bath as required. Should his core temperature still rise to the level that will trigger a spontaneous detonation, it is hoped the miles of lead reinforced concrete housing Mr Francois will contain the explosion. And the bath is made of steel.”

But critics of the attempts to prevent Mr Francois exploding when the UK doesn’t leave the EU at 11pm today have pointed to the inordinate cost of the effort.

“Over £100m is being spent on ice alone,” our correspondent reveals, “which could have been spent on the wake for the Conservative Party, which also ends today. A party the entire nation would have been happy to foot the bill for, surely?”

Concern is also focused on the clock being used to countdown to the time when it will be safe to remove little Mark from the bath.

“It’s James Cleverly’s Brexit Countdown Clock,” our correspondent adds, “which is just insane. When it hits zero at 11pm it may actually trigger the explosion of Mr Francois. They really should have just dropped Mark into an Artic ice field for a few days. Regardless of the risk of precipitating climate change.”

SOMEBODY SAVE US LIMEYS FROM OURSELVES : A source inside the SNP has confirmed today that the Scottish National Party will be standing parliamentary candidates in all UK constituencies in the December 2019 election.

It’s a move seen as answering the growing clamour in many areas of England for some actual political leadership that’s worth a damn.

“We all know that ‘sources’ are truth,” our Westminster reporter says, “so if someone tells you a source has said something then you better believe it’s true.”

The thinking behind the unusual decision is also believed to be a reaction to today’s NoGov poll, focused on England, in which Nicola Sturgeon was revealed as preferred prime minister by some margin.

“Ian Blackford will be running the campaign in England, but Nicola Sturgeon will become prime minister should the SNP gain a majority in the December GE,” our source added.

Academics will presumably begin pouring over the latest polling data in an attempt to uncover why a Scottish nationalist politician is preferred by the English, over Boris Johnson and Jeremy Corbyn.

“It’s presumably because, no matter what you think about the Scottish independence position, you believe she knows what she’s doing and she doesn’t attempt to confuse with a never ending myriad of political positioning. Oh, and because she is one of the few major British politicians who has an aura of actually knowing what she’s doing. A scarce commodity currently.”

Presumably, if the SNP does take up residence within 10 Downing Street in December it will dampen the desire for independence.

“But if not, at least they’ll kill Brexit Grendall as they close the door on the way out.”

POLE DANCER : Downing Street have hit back today at the criticism over its decision to melt down the commemorative Brexit 50p coins.

“We don’t just waste the public’s hard earned money in the pursuit of our plainly delusional, ideological aims servicing global money launderers,” a Downing Street ‘source’ said, “American ‘think tanks’, Russian oligarchs and so forth have not brainwashed a small coterie if frankly ridiculous Brexit politicians, on the left and the right, into believing somehow we’re God like and infallible, just to remove the UK from the world’s statecraft chessboard and asset strip Britannia.”

Well, that’s cleared that up.

“We just like making coins. Many sides coins.” the source continued, “but if a date on a coin is wrong, then that’s it for the coin. Accuracy is our watchword! Strong and stable governance. Sensible economic management. And jingoistic bullshit that everyone warned us would blow up in our faces. Who knew you can’t run a country merely on empty symbolism and bullying? Really, who knew?!”

So this explains why the commemorative Brexit 50p coins, primed for October 31st, have to be melted down?

“It’s a no brainier. Do you see coins from the early to middle 20th century still in circulation? Coins from the Victorian, the Georgian, the Stuart? No. Of course you don’t. The dates are all wrong. I would implore anyone that has any coins from earlier times to hand them in for melting down too. The dates are now wrong.

“And besides, the statue of Boris Johnson that is going to knock Nelson off his column in Trafalgar Square is going to need a lot of coins. Maybe even more than the millions of commemorative 50p’s we intend to melt down now that empty bit of jingoistic nonsense has blown up in our faces.”

Excuse me?

“Put Boris on a pole and let him dance to celebrate his delivery of Brexit.”

AN ANT CAN LIFT ONE HUNDRED MARK FRANCOIS’S : The Conservative Party headquarters have confirmed today that little Mark Francois will he replaced as candidate by a simple Brexit slogan for the next GE.

The slogan, rumoured to be one of the classics, will be chosen by a ballot of the 1922 committee and then printed on toilet tissue.

“Printing it on bog roll will not only ensure a higher IQ candidate, but we can easily hand out the prospective member of Parliament to voters in Rayleigh and Wickford while on the campaign trail.

“If they then put it on the toilet roll holder in their WC they’ll see their next member of Parliament each time they take a dump. We reckon it’ll nail the message, and the chance of holding onto the seat.”

The plan is thought to have been dreamed up by superbrain, megamind, masterwheezer Dominic “Short” Cummings while he was wondering how to make the Tory Party more manageable.

“Andrew Bridgen is to be replaced by a cheap biro with a Brexit slogan printed on it. Nadine Dorries by an egg cup and Michael Fabricant deselected, but his insane hairpiece invited to stand alone. It’s exceptionally clever.”

But critics of the move to replace Tory MPs with inanimate objects have pointed out that the scheme, like anything Dom dreams up that doesn’t involve social media data abuse, is likely to backfire.

“I hear they intend to replace James Cleverly with a pair of socks. While it seems a smart move on the face of it, it’s going to create chaos when they can only find one of him when it’s time to vote. I can’t see the speaker letting an odd sock vote. And of course it will be impossible in that scenario to pair him off with another MP, unless they’re one sock short of a pair too and the same design.”

Rumours that Boris Johnson is considering replacing himself with a useless bag of hot air have been dismissed as nonsense though, as he’s already exactly that and it’s high time the House of Commons got its act together and pricked him by replacing him with a caretaker government and a GNU.