Category: Really fake news

FACE MASKS FOR BRITAIN : GREAT NEWS FOR PEOPLE WORRIED ABOUT DYING PREMATURELY FROM CORONAVIRUS TODAY after Downing Street finally settled on which friend to give the contract for masks to, without contest.

The company that has landed the lucrative contract deals day by day in novelty shoe trees, with its only board member, Roger Daltbee-Spleen, having set up the booming enterprise last weekend.

https://uk.finance.yahoo.com/news/coronavirus-family-pest-control-firm-was-handed-ppe-contract-125938201.html?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAANPtfFo0KPBDuMTIJVI6YYUUCgR6khWWfDY80PLurlfUoe4uaIZS0SNC4qXuaDdDFHKge3-BRFSqw17vqHfzNwiTTaImuM-gYNXtgiOv58lkIC5eFRSERM84U7aY61WUQl-LXvX5i5lDe2DC2yJwWVfbsHDF7EFtF8cZDnxfCmDG

“The company currently holds an impressive £1.50 in assets,” a Downing Street spokesman said, “but this is set to ramp up overnight to hundreds of millions of pounds. They will swiftly be diversified into numerous currencies in a dizzying and complex network of offshore currency accounts. But don’t worry, those taxpayer pounds, euros, dollars, roubles and lira will come flooding back to Blighty when the FX rate is just right.”

But there have been some murmurs of Mr Daltbee-Spleen being a bit too chummy with Prime Minister Cummings, and could that have influenced the decision to use the little known 2015 legislative instrument to essentially gift him a mountain of public cash?

That said, we’re asking questions, not making accusations, maybe it’s just stressed out ministers making decisions in a rush in the middle of a crisis. Much like when Grayling gave the ferry contract to a firm with no ferries.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/may/15/firms-given-1bn-of-state-contracts-without-tender-in-covid-19-crisis

“That sort of talk is essentially treason,” the Downing Street source replied, with a stern face, “I would suggest you don’t use those words. Or even ask those questions. We have awarded the right contracts to the right people at the right time throughout the Covid-19 crisis. Which by the way, was the fault of the last Labour government.”

But surely the standard and transparent tender process could have been followed had the government begun preparing for the Covid-19 crisis when it was first warned about it in January?

“I would advise you not to ask that question again either. Some people may get the impression our whole management of the Coronavirus crisis has been premeditated.”

LEARNING FROM OTHERS IS HERD : DOWNING STREET must have an eye on a general election after Covid-19 is beaten back by Blitz spirit and British pluck.

Early this morning the office of whoever is prime minister dove into the media surf with the aim of swimming right over the foam of criticism crashing against the laboured rocks of public health.

“For too long we have been unable to control our borders,” a Boris Johnson impersonator declared, “this has meant we simply could not stop people walking right into the United Kingdom carrying Covid-19. And then, like an invisible mugger, Dominic Cummings stole the message of public health right out of our pockets. And not only that, many caught a bad flu as a result.”

But a new initiative will spare Mr Cumming’s blushes in future.

“Island Britain will see the entire country transformed into an island!”

The plan seems to involve spending £350m per week to cut off the land bridges that have joined the UK to continental Europe since prehistory.

“In this way we will finally be an independent sovereign, island nation who can quarantine arrivals to our shores. It will not matter if they sneak past Nigel Farage on the beaches of Kent or land in one of the notoriously low security welcome cottages called airports.”

But critics have been quick to ask why the award to supply the earth movers and diggers for the project has been gifted to a prominent Tory donor without contest? By way of using an obscure statutory instrument introduced in 2015?

“This is Brexit Britain. We do things differently here. Outcomes are unimportant.”

IT DOESN’T RAIN BUT IT POURS : Since the new voting system for MPs was revealed yesterday many have raised concerns over how MPs will keep dry when the plague sunshine ends.

But fear not, the government has thought about it and taken steps to protect those fine suits and dresses.

“We have it on good authority, completely invented for the purpose of this article (the purpose of which is to ask about the expenditure of public money – seems to be a lot of that going around?) that a company linked to Dominic Cummings has been awarded a plush contract to supply umbrellas.”

Palantir Coronavirus Contract Did Not Go to Competitive Tender

The company is believed to have been set up overnight by the second cousin of someone who once wrote a positive review of Mr Cummings’ blog. However, actual ownership of the company appears to be in the hands of a US billionaire. Which will come as a shock to everybody.

“We can spare no expense to protect MPs as they stand around for hours like lambs being led to the slaughter of representative democracy.”

The contract, which was awarded without tender, will see £350m per week paid for the supply of umbrellas. The umbrellas are believed to have been liberated from a poundstore supply chain which has been unable to distribute to shops during lockdown.

The reason for the high cost appears to be the modification of the umbrellas, before distribution, to include a digital chip which monitors MPs heart, breathing rates and records their private thoughts.

“Umbrellas are useful in blazing sun too,” our source continues, “so it’s a bargain whatever the weather. And with our commitment to continue with global warming, well, there’s going to be a lot of hot summers. At least until water levels rise sufficiently to flood over the Thames barrier.”

But there’s no free lunch. MPs will have to pay a minimum of £100 per umbrella, which they will be able to claim back on expenses, so no one is left out of pocket. Most umbrellas are expected to be single use, unlike the taxpayer.

“It doesn’t rain, but it pours,” the source added, “pours public cash into private pockets. Got to love a good disaster [capitalist].”

But just in case anyone is worried that someone is taking the piss, each umbrella will come with a free eye test!

“The eye tests are in the form of a get out of jail free card. Those are valid for travel to any destination within the UK, by road, during the anticipated second lockdown this summer.”

HUMAN SACRIFICES RESUME MONDAY : THE ACTUAL PRIME MINISTER, DOMINIC “EYE TEST” CUMMINGS, has made a surprise return to the news cycle today after rumours began circling of his dressing habits.

“It is not true that Dominic dresses like an Aztec priest performing human sacrifices, as seen in the movie Apocalypto,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “he dresses like it all the time, even when going to dinner. The shabby teenager with the compulsive self-pleasuring habit look, that’s just for press conferences.”

But while everything that emanates from Downing Street is definitely credible, the rumour is taking some dispelling. Especially as Matt Hancock is said to have ordered the construction of a “a giant pyramid with a raised platform, over which the sun must stand directly at midday”. The fact the pyramid also has a drain that “runs from altar to gutter” is not of any interest either.

Furthermore, the ordering of antique knives of “classic, pre-colonial era American design” and the decision to take “2.2m people previously ordered to shield and let them run about outside” are also said to “not equate to anything of note.”

The rebuttals will come as reassurance to people still convinced the government has been running a bogus herd immunity policy in response to Covid-19.

“Herd immunity and human sacrifice are related, but not the same,” the source added, “and even if Dominic was dressing like a blood stained Aztec priest, it would only be to test his eyesight. Also, to ensure a good harvest. Only a traitor wants the harvest to fail.”

THE WRITING IS ON THE WALL : GREAT NEWS TODAY for lovers of unflushed turds with the announcement that pretend Prime Minister, Boris ‘fark’ Johnson, has awarded his demonic handler, Dominic Cummings, an award for his services to public health.

“The award recognises the reduction in demand in the social care sector particularly,” a source reveals, “while maintaining capacity. Something the NHS proved incapable of, as they’ve been pushing in the wrong direction this whole time. It also recognises the usefulness in public health messaging of a high ranking and completely unaccountable member of the elite making a pig’s ear of clear instructions. Instructions intended to protect yourself, and people you don’t know. What sort of inherently, genetically inferior individual thinks about the welfare of people they don’t know? How does that help excellence rise to the top of the tree of life? How does that help achieve herd immunity?”

The award will be handed over to Mr Cummings by his servant Mr Johnson later this afternoon. The ceremony will replace the standard Tory Party political broadcast at 5pm.

“The Barnard Castle Award for Services to Public Health is world beating,” the source continues, “and it was exceptionally tough to choose the first recipient. We had to consider very carefully whose mind was most accountable for the UK topping the global tables with Covid-19.”

It’s expected Mr Cummings will take the actual award on a road trip. A kind of royal procession up and down the motorways.

“It’s part of levelling up,” the source says, “he can reasonably be argued to have helped level up CV-19 infection rates between London and the North, now he can level up people’s appreciation of his plague endeavours by letting all the little people see the physical trophy. They can even touch it, if they’re lucky.”

As to the trophy itself, it is in the shape of Barnard Castle and was, inevitably, made by global joke Boris Johnson himself out of empty wine crates.

THE GHOST OF GRAYLING : THE GOVERNMENT HAS LAUNCHED ITS NEW TRACK, TRACE AND ISOLATE SYSTEM TODAY WITH MUCH FANFARE.

“We’re only months behind the rest of the world,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but that’s because we took time to get it right. By allowing 60,000 people to die first means the workload for our tracers will be more manageable, and there will be less mistakes.”

And while the system won’t be fully operational for sometime, people can be reassured that the private companies enjoying the contracts will presumably be lining their pockets the entire time.

“That’s one of the tangible benefits of managing this pandemic in a way that allows it to play out much longer than less intelligent countries,” the source continued, “are you aware of the eyewatering shift of public funds to private pockets, regardless of outcomes? It’s world beating.”

But it hasn’t all being smooth sailing on launch day. The early adopters of Dom’s mind mining app have all received some unexpected results.

“I received a Hawaiian pizza,” Mr Sellby, Date Cottage, Pizzachester reports, “moments after I entered my symptoms of blurry eyesight and an irresistible urge to take a 260 mile drive. But then I read the t&c’s and discovered they were copied from a takeaway firm’s leaflet, and it all made sense.”

But Mr Sellby was lucky, relative to others.

“I entered my symptoms of a desire to use a public asset reserved for heads of state to gaslight the country, specifically to show them who is in control of their lives now,” Mrs P Pe, Contagious-on-Why reveals, “and then I discovered some chaps painting a red cross over my front door. Apparently God is going to spare my first born, or something.”

Update of the system is expected to be ramped up over coming weeks and ordinary citizens will do their civic duty.

“Dominic Cummings won’t personally be using the app,” the source adds, “because he’s already driven CV-19 up and down the country, potentially infected god knows how many. But that’s not a resigning issue. It’s time to move on, we’re bored of Barnard Castle, we’re thinking of visiting Leeds.”

JUST FOLLOWING THE INSTINCTS OF A HOOVER : RUPERT MURDOCH’S PICK TO BE BRITAIN’S NEXT PRIME MINISTER, Secretary of State for Slippery, Michael Gove, has waded into the debate about driving eye tests.

“I was only following my instincts as a vacuum cleaner,” Mr Gove told a slightly baffled press corp this lunchtime. “And to see if my nostrils worked. I was about to take part in a competition to see who could hold their breath the longest and I didn’t want to find my nose inoperable at the time. You could almost say it was a matter of life and death. I’m sure any judge and jury would agree. And the British people, the British people themselves will see what I did as fair and reasonable. In fact, I would go so far as to say, when faced with a mountain of the finest marching powder, and a breath holding competition straight after, any British man, or woman, or woman, or child would do the same.”

The unique defence is unlikely to be tested in a court of law, luckily for Mr Gove.

And he has received support from the expected corners. Shortly after his speech dozens of Tory MPs tweeted their support to Mr Gove.

One dedicated bootlicker even went so far as to say, “when I was caught on Wimbledon Common with a young person somewhat my junior in years, although I must stress well over the legal age of consent, with my trousers down and clutching several twenty pound notes, I was only testing if the local economy was vibrant and healthy. It was essentially an act of public service. I am sure you will agree.”

And there was more. Former Brain of Britain, now reduced to a skanky dust mote that’s been stuck on the cat’s backside for a day, Dominic Cummings, hailed Mr Gove for his sincerity.

“It’s entirely reasonable. It’s just like strapping your confused four year old into the backseat of your powerful motor car and tearing along narrow country lanes to test your eyesight. Anyone in Michael’s position can now claim the same. I’m sure the Attorney General will agree.”

And this is how it will roll in Brexitannia forever, until the people have had enough of the BS and demand once again that their elected public servants have not only a conscience, but a functioning brain. And not just a claim to have a giant one.

SEE OUR CASTLES IN 20/20 IN 2020 : FAMOUS HIGH STREET OPTOMETRISTS SPECSAVERS are rumoured to be on the brink of bankruptcy today after Historic England parked its trebuchets on their lawn.

“The offer of two for one on eye tests is like an arrow in the eye for a lionheart of the high street,” our In-Hindsight correspondent reports, “the move by Historic England mirrors those already made this week by English Heritage and the National Trust.”

The threat seems to be heavily based on how much more cost efficient organisations based on historic buildings can be in providing eye testing services.

“Does Specsavers have car parks? Can you get a cream tea there? Can you spend an hour queuing to purchase a radically overpriced sausage roll, like you can at the NT? No way. There’s no wallet killing tea and scone based killing ground. And with the convenience of an eye test which involves merely arriving at the destination without causing a fatal collision, well, should have gone to a Specsavers is destined for the history books.”

Specsavers themselves appear to be blindsided by the move, which comes after super genius Dominic “contempt of parliament” Cummings invented the disruptive way of checking your vision.

But not everyone is pleased. Former customers of the high street brand and Historic England visitors say they feel like they’ve been taken for mugs.

“To think of all the time I’ve wasted getting my eyes tested at a well known high street brand name in order to see the tapestries clearly on my weekend outings to historic properties?” one invented customer complained, “if I’d seen this coming I wouldn’t have watched my money fly like an arrow shot true out of my wallet.”

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL : OUTGOING BRITISH PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has spoken to the press pack this morning to clear up some misconceptions.

As the furore over an unelected, unaccountable advisor (purportedly in Mr Johnson’s team) breaking Coronavirus lockdown laws rumbles on into a second week, Mr Johnson has sought to distance himself from the scandal.

“I have been made aware that some junior staffer was able to set up a card table in the Rose Garden today and have some friends around,” Mr Johnson told reporters, “I must say I was surprised when it was suggested I know the individual personally. I have never met this Dominic Cummings or his wife. And if I did meet him I would give him the cold shoulder. Frankly any prime minister that would expend political capital attempting to save one advisor needs their head examined. It would make the country a laughing stock. By the way, I do all my own work.”

But the credibility of Mr Johnson’s claims have been called into question after video footage emerged showing the pair in the frame together numerous times, over many years.

“Deep fakes,” Mr Johnson dismissed the evidence of people’s own eyes, “we’re deep fakes. I mean the photographs are deep fakes. You will all recall the famous Edwardian images of faeries? Exactly like that.”

Whether or not the public will believe Mr Johnson’s robust assertion that he is not acquainted with Mr Cummings remains to be seen. Some inside Downing Street do believe that the truth hasn’t mattered since 24th June 2016. And there’s a fair bit of evidence that so far they are right.

But Mr Cummings himself is sticking by his own claims over the closeness of the relationship between the prime minister and himself.

“He’s my sock puppet, he’ll do exactly what I please or people will start talking about the ghastly Covid-19 death toll in the UK again. Oh and his little trip to Italy. How many illegitimate children he has. What’s in the Russia Report. Who paid for the holiday in Mustique. The Arcuri whitewash may well get unwashed. And so on. It’s a bloody long list. I’m a genius.”