Category: Really fake news

QUICK WHILE THEY’RE NOT LOOKING : NICOLA STURGEON became the first President of the newly created Republic of Scotland today, and got away with it.

“She’s expected to have adopted the Euro and achieved continued EU membership for Scotland by the end of Sunday,” our Brussels’ insider said, “and we suspect even have completed the border wall, with EU funding, between Scotland and England, and begun accepting English ‘remain’ refugees before any English MPs pull their heads out of their brown paper bags long enough to see what’s been going on.”

The timing of the declaration is believed to be down to Ms Sturgeon’s political nous.

“Get why the getting is good, as they say, well not in Scotland, across the pond I think,” our correspondent continues, “Anyone in England minded to resist Scottish independence will be at the pub today anyway. And they need to secure the border before the next wave of Coronavirus takes hold in England.”

Wales is also understood to be ready to universally declare independence from Westminster, and is expected to be joined by NI, The Falklands and Gibraltar when they do, perhaps forming a union of like minded democracies fit for the 21st century.

We did seek comment from Downing Street on the surprising development, but received only a brief note in reply, “As long as no one is talking about the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in the EU Referendum we don’t care. Actually this just helps our plans to turn London into the world money laundering hub, so we’re all for it. And now when English shopkeepers attempt to refuse Scottish money, they’ll finally be justified in doing it!”

CLIFF EDGE (GESTURE) POLITICS : While most everyone is at the pub today ordering a pint of bitter and a lungful of Corona, your UK government is still hard at work making Britain grate again.

“We want the French to see with their own eyes that they’re dealing with a resurgent superpower across the ENGLISH Channel,” Tory MP for Complete Prattery, Sir Prat, told LCD Views, “which is why I fully support President Cummings’ plans to remodel the White Cliffs of Dover in the image of his favourite pet dog. Once complete this will be a testing sight for Gallic eyes. Which is in keeping with Cumming’s style of government.”

And the plans are reportedly well advanced, having been sketched out on the back of a fag packet during the night, after a magnum or two of claret.

“We’ve already given a confectionary company, a rat control firm, a stationer and a supplier of niche BDSM party products each a £108m contract to do the stonemasonry.”

But critics of the plan to up-cycle the famous White Cliffs into a ‘world beating’ monument to a political poodle, have begun ramping up their accusations over what they see as a needless waste of public money.

“The so called Do Over at Dover is just a monumental waste of taxpayers money.” See.

A pretty pointless criticism to level, it must be said, in the dawn of Global Britain. It’s what we do now, put taxpayers money into wheelbarrows and tip it over cliffs.

“And the added expense of the rmoured public vote to name the new monument? Why? Just call it Mount Pratfall and be done with it.” Quite.

MAKING SWEET SWEET LOVE TO THE FLAG : Mark Francois is facing some difficult questions indoors today after a Union Jack claimed the Essex MP is the father of its tiny baby flags.

“I just want little baby Bunting to know its daddy,” a forlorn, and well shagged looking Union Jack told LCD Views, “Mark said we would be together always and that there was no other flag for him [to shag]. And now, he’s off writing love letters to some continental chap. I feel very confused.”

Whether or not the MP for JesusWeptOMGWhyDoPeopleElectSuchEmbarrassingTwatsOverAndOver will acknowledge the offspring of the shop soiled Union Jack is not yet clear.

“He is so focused on the Potato War with Brussels he doesn’t give himself any time,” the flag sighed, “those furtive moments we shared was the only time he ever really came home to himself.”

It’s also unclear, at this stage, if the mother of so much bunting will attempt to force his hand.

“Oh you never had to force little Mark’s hand,” the flag smirked, “if you know what I mean. Such a passionate man. Say potato in a husky voice and he’s aflame. Engorged. And once he saw me on that pole dancing in the breeze he was like a steam train going into a tunnel all day.”

But whatever Mr Francois may choose to do one thing is clear, the family resemblance between the most patriotic member at Westminster and the string of bunting is undeniable.

“They’re so tiny. So pleased with themselves. So innocent of the realities of the world. Just like their tubby little daddy.”

HEAVY IS THE HEAD WHO WEARS THE BEANIE : THE ELECTORAL COMMISSION has ruffled feathers at the 10 Downing Street vulture party today by ordering the 2019 General Election re-run.

“We will comply fully with the direction from the Electoral Commission,” a source at 10 Downing Street said, “just as soon as we stop laughing.”

The reason for the re-run appears to be a mistake on the ballot papers issued at the time of the general election.

“People assumed they were electing Boris “Al to his friends” Johnson as prime minister, by virtue of electing him the parliamentary representative for Ripoff and Useless. But instead it appears the actual candidate was Dominic Cummings,” a spokesman for the EC told LCD Views.

The news will come as no surprise to anyone with a passing interest in Westminster politics.

“Given the way Mr Cummings appears to be dead set on dismantling the British state as we know it. The eyewatering waste of public monies on vanity projects – a feature of the Cummings’ premiership the hard right US money funded think tanks are bizarrely quiet over – and the general incompetence of Mr Cummings, we feel it is only fair for the British people to have their say once more. Even if that sort of thing is now old fashioned.”

LCD Views welcomes the order from the Electoral Commission. Furthermore we believe the 2016 EU referendum should be re-run, regardless of the legal status of the country’s current relationship with the EU. Just so people can read on billboards the correct information about their voting choice.

“Let’s take back control from Brussels and give it to a prat who claims he goes driving for eye tests. Oh and spaffs every penny the Exchequer has up the wall owned by his mates.”

Choose well Global Britons. Your life is at stake. And speaking of stakes, you probably want to have one handy when Dom calls during the GE, as it’ll likely be at midnight and he won’t enter your home without an invitation.

DO OVER GIVE OVER : THE UK’S WORLD BEATING HEALTH AND SOCIAL CARE SECRETARY, MATT “THOSE MEN WHO DIED ON THE BEACHES” HANCOCK has announced he’s switching things up a bit.

“This will build on the success of my personal app, Matt the app,” Mr Hancock told LCD Views, “by ramping up and bolting on the success I’ve made with the NHS test and trace app. World beating. Did I say that already? World beating. Look into my eyes. Don’t look anywhere but into my eyes.”

Clearly the decision to rebrand himself as “NHS Matt” will have some detractors, not least because Matt is such a disaster, much like the test and trace app.

“Do you still not get it?” he gave us a pitying look, and moved a little closer, “the whole point of wasting months and millions in public cash pretending to develop a world beating NHS test and trace app was to begin the rebranding of the NHS. It has far too many positive connotations for a complete and final sell off, yet. But a bit more oompf spent on creating new associations and the sell off will meet with general public compliance. Disaster capitalism 101. It really isn’t rocket science, unlike building an app.”

The failure to deliver the NHS app has also helped in the broader work done managing Covid-19 in the UK.

“We really can’t have a working app as it will undermine the entire premise of our approach to Covid-19,” Matt added, “be much harder to achieve our goal of herd immunity with an actual working test and trace app. Just take a moment to think about that?”

We will do! Thanks NHS Matt (the app)!

MAGOO LIMO SERVICES 4 U : Rumours are swirling within the Westminster support bubble today over the identity of the driver involved in yesterday’s Westminster car crash.

“There is no suggestion that the prime minister was driving the car,” a 10 Downing Street source said, off the record, and without prompting, “the blood alcohol level of the driver must at all times be zero. Not that there is any suggestion the PM attempted to drive drunk at PMQs yesterday. Even though he may (or may not) personally believe he governs better after a few glasses of Dom.”

But in spite of what, on the surface, seems an unnecessary denial, speculation continues to bubble under the surface, and the bubbles continue to pop.

“Government by car crash is very apt,” our own Westminster bubble watcher comments, “as everything this government does is a car crash. It’s been that way since 2015, and in many areas it’s been that way since 2010. So it’s nice of them to get it on film.”

Other suggestions that Prince Phillip was the driver have also been dismissed.

But whether or not any disciplinary action will be taken is not clear, as it’s always possible it was Dominic Cummings at the wheel.

“Nothing will happen if it’s Cummings,” the Downing Street source added, “he is above reproach in all matters. In fact it was clearly a test of the structural integrity of the security vehicle.”

But there is an additional rumour that “just to be on the safe side”, the nameless driver has been ordered to drive to Barnard Castle today, regardless of their CV-19 status.

“They’ll go there for an eye test, wee in the bushes, and come straight back.”

WALKING HIS TALK : Boris Johnson is leading by example today on the subject of accurate portrayals of history in stone.

“Global Britons,” he addressed the nation, his suit a charmingly ill fitting ensemble cobbled together by falling drunk into his closet, his raffish dyed blonde hair styled in the manner of a hay bale in a tornado, “today I have put your money where my mouth is on the matter of historical accuracy.”

As the prime minister spoke the wind played teasingly with the gravy stained shirt tails seemingly incapable of staying behind his fraying, but still muscular, leather belt.

“To this end I have ordered a monolith installed in the Rose Garden of Downing Street with every lie I have ever uttered in public. On the reverse is listed every racist trope I have employed throughout my chequered career in the service of the short term political gain that can be found by playing on the prejudices and insecurities of those lobotomised by years of propaganda pretending to be media.”

But not everyone is happy with the new, honest Mr Johnson. Rumours that the aviation industry are especially concerned by the sheer scale and height of the slab needed to list all of Mr Johnson’s lies and racism.

“And it’s not only aviation that is alarmed by the sudden navigational hazard. The monumental size of the Johnson Stone means that London now essentially has a sun dial that will see half of the metropolis constantly blanketed in a shadow so dense day has become night.

“Let my testament stand through the ages. With its sturdy feet it will withstand the ill weather of fate I am bringing across this benighted land. Even when Global Britons are reduced to beating each other with thigh bones in the hope of a meal, my lies will tower over all.”

The feet of the slab are, of course, made of clay, leading to concerns that the next prolonged period of rain will see the slab fall.

“As long as it falls on Johnson I don’t care,” a nearby resident commented, sitting out in a deckchair sans umbrella.

LORD HAW-HAW AND THE SEA : GREAT NEWS FOR POTATRIOTS WORRIED THAT ONE OF BRITAIN’S MOST DISTINGUISHED VOICES, Nigel Fartage, will be heard no more.

“It’s not possible to shut him up, don’t be daft,” a spokesman from Broadcasting House told LCD Views, “he’s not leaving LBC because they’ve decided they can’t profit off the peddling of fascism anymore, he’s leaving because there’s an opportunity too good to miss at the Beeb.”

The opportunity appears to be the decision to begin a daily broadcast of QT.

“When we were deciding who to headhunt as host for BBCQTD (BBC Question Time Daily) we initially thought of Oswald Moseley. But. He’s dead. Bit of a shock. Some say that BBC research isn’t what it used to be! Ha! Research is for nerds.”

So it was straight to the modern equivalent after?

“No. Then we went for Enoch Powell. But. He’s dead too! Who knew? So next we tried A. Hitler. But what would you know? He’s dead. This goes to show you what happens when people don’t have statues in their memory. Everyone forgets all about them.”

Then you got on the blower to the old fascist peddling windbag?

“Yes. Via a diversion to the science department where we asked them if it would be possible to contain an actual fart and teach it to talk. They weren’t very helpful. We eventually agreed we would phone Nigel.”

But why did it take you so long to get around to calling him? I know he’s busy shouting at the sea most days, but presumably he’d love the gig?

“We thought he was busy spending the millions he grifted off idiots who subscribed to his Brexit Party and we didn’t want to disturb him. Besides, he is supposed to be writing a memoir detailing his struggles.”

THE WHOLE IS GREATER THAN THE SUM OF THE PARTS : ENCOURAGEMENT TODAY for right wing pundits and sock puppets seeking to defend the philanthropic legacy of Edward Colston.

“Plans to design, construct and install the Harold Shipman Memorial Statue are being ramped up,” a spokesman for all the historically ignorant and racist social media commentators, oh and the UK Government, told LCD Views, “we hope to install Mr Shipman far from water, on a plinth, outside a lucky hospital by the end of the summer.”

But critics of the decision have attacked the plans to raise a statue honouring one of the UK’s worst mass murderers.

“They’re missing the point,” the spokesman hit back, “just like the left wing snowflakes who completely ignore the philanthropy of slave traders. So what if someone murdered thousands of humans, threw thousands of humans into the sea, actively profited off the worst of humanity’s ability for evil, so long as they left some cash after to a charity. I mean, let’s get a sense of perspective. Besides, the Colston statue only really offends people who aren’t white, right?! So who’s colour blind here?”

Wow.

But surely there is no justification for erecting a statue to a doctor who betrayed the trust placed in his profession so absolutely, to the point of murdering vulnerable people?

“I’ve just explained all this. We’re not erecting the statue to remember all the people he killed. We’re erecting it to remember he also prescribed antibiotics. I mean, that’s a one of a kind achievement that more than counterbalances the other stuff, which we’d prefer people didn’t mention.”

FACE MASKS FOR BRITAIN : GREAT NEWS FOR PEOPLE WORRIED ABOUT DYING PREMATURELY FROM CORONAVIRUS TODAY after Downing Street finally settled on which friend to give the contract for masks to, without contest.

The company that has landed the lucrative contract deals day by day in novelty shoe trees, with its only board member, Roger Daltbee-Spleen, having set up the booming enterprise last weekend.

https://uk.finance.yahoo.com/news/coronavirus-family-pest-control-firm-was-handed-ppe-contract-125938201.html?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAANPtfFo0KPBDuMTIJVI6YYUUCgR6khWWfDY80PLurlfUoe4uaIZS0SNC4qXuaDdDFHKge3-BRFSqw17vqHfzNwiTTaImuM-gYNXtgiOv58lkIC5eFRSERM84U7aY61WUQl-LXvX5i5lDe2DC2yJwWVfbsHDF7EFtF8cZDnxfCmDG

“The company currently holds an impressive £1.50 in assets,” a Downing Street spokesman said, “but this is set to ramp up overnight to hundreds of millions of pounds. They will swiftly be diversified into numerous currencies in a dizzying and complex network of offshore currency accounts. But don’t worry, those taxpayer pounds, euros, dollars, roubles and lira will come flooding back to Blighty when the FX rate is just right.”

But there have been some murmurs of Mr Daltbee-Spleen being a bit too chummy with Prime Minister Cummings, and could that have influenced the decision to use the little known 2015 legislative instrument to essentially gift him a mountain of public cash?

That said, we’re asking questions, not making accusations, maybe it’s just stressed out ministers making decisions in a rush in the middle of a crisis. Much like when Grayling gave the ferry contract to a firm with no ferries.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/may/15/firms-given-1bn-of-state-contracts-without-tender-in-covid-19-crisis

“That sort of talk is essentially treason,” the Downing Street source replied, with a stern face, “I would suggest you don’t use those words. Or even ask those questions. We have awarded the right contracts to the right people at the right time throughout the Covid-19 crisis. Which by the way, was the fault of the last Labour government.”

But surely the standard and transparent tender process could have been followed had the government begun preparing for the Covid-19 crisis when it was first warned about it in January?

“I would advise you not to ask that question again either. Some people may get the impression our whole management of the Coronavirus crisis has been premeditated.”