Category: Really fake news

SLIPPERY SLOPE : FOR THE STRANDED BRITISH JET SET SKI SET IT LOOKED LIKE HARD TIMES WERE AHEAD AS THE TYRANNICAL SWISS GOVERNMENT IMPOSED A TWO WEEK QUARANTINE AT THEIR RESORT. But all was not lost.

“Help was at hard for frantic British skiers during the Christmas period as many faced having to spend two weeks holed up in terrible conditions in the Swiss Alps,” our man in a snowplow reports, “but just as they were settling down to tears over fondue a hero emerged from the blizzard of Covid.”

That hero is reported to be none other than oddball, weirdo, civil service and trade smasher Dominic “Eye Test” Cummings.

“While the identity of the rescuer has been confirmed eyewitnesses report a man in a bobble hat with a serious chip on his shoulder flinging over the doors of the cosy mountain cabins and telling the comatose Brits to follow him.”

It’s unlikely that Covid-19 is mutating in the Alps so there is absolutely no chance that the hero has brought home any unexpected duty free.

“From the moment of rescue I knew we were safe,” one of the fortunate said on the condition of anonymity, “I can now wander freely around my village secure in knowing that if I have Covid-19 I did not get it here.”

But freedom won’t be quite so speedy as first Mr Cummings will perform rigorous medical checks.

“The exceptional Brits are being housed by Mr Cummings at the seat of his power, Barnard Castle, and all will be given eye tests before release to make sure they’re safe to drive whatever mutation of Covid they may have home. You don’t want an accident on a motorway when you’ve got coughing to do in Waitrose.”

There were rumours that Mr Johnson was considering sending the SAS in to rescue the unjustly imprisoned Brits from their hell hole snow prison but for the moment, they can stand down.

“No one keeps a Brit from his liberty,” said another rescued skier, “I was starting to feel incredibly hot under the collar in Switzerland. I still do, but I’m sure that’s just the excitement of being home and in the security of the world beating British Tier system.”

ALWAYS READ THE FINE PRINT : THE ERG are said to be on the warpath after someone read the fine print of the deal agreed between Johnson and the EU, and told them what’s involved.

A key cause of outrage appears to be the agreement between Johnson and Brussels that Yorkshire Puddings will be renamed Brussels Puddings from the 1st January 2021.

“It’s essentially an exchange of hostages,” an insider involved in negotiations on Planet Zaarg told LCD Views, “with Brussels sprouts now Yorkshire sprouts, Johnson had to give something back as a show of good faith.”

But all is not lost as the deal is up for review in a few years time, and any facets believed to be detrimental can be discussed again.

“To be frank Johnson has no intention of sticking to the agreement. He just couldn’t be bothered dealing with the truck crisis when he was supposed to be getting hammered for several days solid between Christmas and New Year. Hard to see why the ERG are so upset. To be honest. Which none of us ever are in Downing Street.”

But what about red wall voters? Surely they’ll see the renaming of puddings as a great outrage?

“Look, Boris can claim next year the EU tricked him and continue trading on manufactured outrage. It’s all very neat.”

Any other surprises in the deal?

“One by one you’ll see how you’ve been played,” the insider smirked, “but you’ll have less power over the outcome of the deal than Wallonia. Which has the PM splitting his sides! Ha! Besides, wait until you next buy British fish and chips and have to read the accompanying literature first which explains how it’s derived from European origins. The red tape is just beginning. But you’ve got your sovereignty back.”

But shouldn’t Downing Street find out what voters in Yorkshire think? They will now have to refer to that stable of the English Sunday roast as “Brussies”.

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about them. The prime minister doesn’t.”

Certainly sound advice which every area of the U.K. can take as a guide.

NIGHTINGALE LORRY PARKS : ENGLISH PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON HAS TAKEN PERSONAL CONTROL OF THE KENT LORRY PARK CRISIS AND A SWIFT RESOLUTION IS EXPECTED.

The seizing of the stationary wheel by the PM will also bring much needed good cheer to the thousands of stranded drivers, who are in danger of missing Christmas with their loved ones.

“At least they have each other for company,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “well, until Priti Patel starts deporting them as illegal immigrants.”

But in advance of the deportations from Global Britain the prime minister has chosen to minimise the scale of the unfolding drama.

“He’s hard at work as we speak,” the source continues, “he’s been drinking for the last 48 hours in preparation. French mostly, but one or two cheeky Italians have snuck in. Oh, and even a Riesling.”

And with the wind in his sails the prime minister has now begun to work on his solution.

“You’ll see the magnitude of the problem is rapidly de-escalating. The prime minister has his lorry driver’s play outfit on, the craft glue, the paints and all the wine boxes and crates he’s spent days emptying.”

But how has getting completely hammered help solve what is now a national embarrassment?

“He’s building a new lorry queue now out of the empties. And it’s much smaller than the one in the news. If you believe in yourself anything is believable.”

But critics of the prime minister have pointed out that even his scaled down model hasn’t significantly reduced the problem, as he’s worked his way through thousands of bottles of vino in preparation for his art project.

A BRITISH FIRST : GLOBAL BRITONS MAYBE MOSTLY STAYING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS but that doesn’t mean there aren’t new British landmarks to celebrate.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson is expected to ruffle up his famous vanishing blonde mop later today and set the podium out to make an announcement.

“He’s decided to reorganise the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse into Tiers,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, exclusively, “after the success of plague under the current Covid-19 Tier system, it’s felt sensible to expand that across his entire style of government.”

The reorganisation of the famous riders will bring clarity to the country at a time when it is needed.

“The horsemen will also be given a contemporary look. By which I mean they’ll now be sporting solid Union Jack patterns. This will build on the work done repainting the PM’s plane, Airfarce One.”

But we understand there’s still more, as he’s also adding a fifth horsemen.

“This has been the subject of heated debate. Adding a fifth horsemen is a proud moment for the UK under Johnson. Some wag suggested Brexit should be the fifth horsemen, but that sent the ERG into a frenzy at the heresy. They threatened to set up yet another of their world beating research groups. And no one has time for all that. In the end it was decided that Lorry Queues in Kent would be the fifth horsemen. We’re just trying to nail down one word now as its handle before the press conference.”

But while the reclassification of the riders is itself long overdue, the adding of the fifth maybe controversial for the flailing prime minister, as he is likely to be unable to accurately state how many of the new fifth horseman there are. Looking at Kent it’s definitely not just a single rider, there appear to be hundreds of them.

“I wouldn’t worry about that. It’s not like they’re going anywhere. The fifth horsemen are all stuck in Kent.”

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO : JACOB REES-MOGG ISN’T TAKING THE POLITICAL POSTURING OF UNICEF LYING DOWN.

Having already admonished the UN’s do-gooders-in-chief for interfering in the right of British Christian CONservatives to starve British school children, he’s now stepping it up a gear and taking the fight to the children.

Shortly after midnight, as Rees-mogg was getting up and leaving his crypt for the day, he announced his intention to lead a children’s crusade.

“It promises to be quite uplifting,” Rees-mogg told his mirror, which was free of all reflection.

The crusade will start in Southwark in London and conclude at the nearest food bank.

“There the children in our holy procession will be allowed to see the food they can have if they work hard enough,” Mr Rees-mogg told the sprites and demons that hop around him.

After viewing the food in the bank it is believed he will lead the children in prayer, before showing them how to both count and lend money.

And that is not all, one lucky child will be selected to receive a book written in Latin which advises how to make money from distressed economies.

“It will all be over by dawn,” a familiar of Rees-mogg told LCD Views, “as he must be indoors before the first rays of sunlight begin to push through the streets of London like searching fingers of fire.”

It’s hoped the crusade will be sufficient to inspire in the destitute children the kind of energy and aspiration that will allow them to strive for a better accident of birth.

“Clearly if the children had any common sense they would already have begun chimney sweeping, toshing and praying to make their own way in the world. But Jacob is prepared to guide them, for the meek will inherit the earth. Literally the earth. The dirt. If Jacob has anything to do with it.”

PANDERING TO THE LEAVERS : ON A DAY WHEN MANY BRITONS WERE EXPECTING THE FINALISATION OF BREXIT NEGOTIATIONS BETWEEN THE CRUMBLING EU SUPERSTATE TYRANNY AND MIGHTY GLOBAL BRITAIN 2.0, FIELD MARSHALL BORIS JOHNSON HAD OTHER PLANS.

As EU leaders waited anxiously by the phone for World King Johnson to call and offer them the terms of their surrender, the prime minister was instead wearing a white lab coat and touring (the until now secret) facility where the iconic, native English aeroplanes are to be bred.

It’s believed the plan to repopulate the wilds of Blighty with Spitfires has been in the works for some time, but only now has it been revealed, in order to show the EU what they’re dealing with.

“The breeding programme will be modelled on the successful efforts to get captive pandas to mate,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it’s hoped with the right conditions in their stable nature will take its course.”

The right conditions are said to be endless screenings of WW2 movies and “The Dambusters” soundtrack played at an “invigorating level” when it’s time to “get down to business”.

In order to fund the ambitious project beaver breeding programmes have been put on the back burner, regional development funds for Cornwall diverted, and other funds taken from food.

But while all proper patriots will celebrate the initiative, not everyone is happy.

It’s believed a cohort of hard Brexit Tory MPs have set up a research group to study the programme after concerns were raised about the purity of the breeding stock.

“We’ve heard that the Spitfire cow has been imported from Poland. Or maybe even more alarmingly, from France,” Tory MP Woadface Spittlebrain Cockspangle Flagshagger Nostalgia Freak Potential-Foreign-Arset Phosphorus Cocyx Numbbrain Poostain told LCD Views. “If this is the case we simply will not have it. It’s better to have no wild Spitfires than Spitfires with EU bloodlines in them. Just think what they may grow up to do?”

Mr Johnson is said to be willing to address the Spitfire Research Group’s concerns. Just as soon as he’s finished mussing up his hair for the obligatory photoshoot.

The first Spitfire cubs are expected to arrive before the end of the year and the programme will only cost £100bn!

The year 2020 has had a lot of strange goings-on and it would be hard to pick the strangest. Between the COVID-19 pandemic and the American presidential elections, there’s been no shortage of newsworthy events.

But one of the oddest has to be connected with one of the people who brings us the news, namely Piers Morgan. All year long, people who have always hated him have suddenly found themselves agreeing with him and giving him the thumbs-up.

It turns out there’s a reason after all. It’s not the same Piers Morgan, but a duplicate from a parallel universe.

This only came to light when a communication came through from that other universe, who have, unfortunately for them, acquired ours.

The Piers Morgan currently residing in our universe was quick to explain:
“I’m not quite certain how it happened, but one minute everything is normal and the next I was here, with a different history. I looked up my own history in this universe and was frankly shocked at what an arsecockle I was here.”

In the universe where this Piers Morgan came from, the last few years happened very differently.

It started when the Scots voted narrowly for independence in 2014, but made a complete mess of trade deals with the UK and EU. Because of this the Brexit referendum was a landslide victory for Remain, Jeremy Corbyn is the prime minister who ended austerity and saved the NHS, and Hillary Clinton is America’s first female president, and according to recent communications from that other universe, both Britain and America are handling the pandemic a lot better than here, with only 341 COVID-related deaths in Britain and 937 in America.

Apparently the scientists and politicians in the other universe (who work very well together for the common good) twigged that something was wrong when Piers Morgan started championing Boris Johnson, who in their universe had been recognised as someone not to be trusted with power and never became prime minister. Scientists studied Morgan’s brain and found something that didn’t match.

And now they want to swap Piers Morgans with us to restore the status quo. They say they have found out how it happened and are willing (even desperate) to give us back ours. Something to do with the light of a full moon reflecting off the International Space Station and hitting a mirror at precisely 42 degrees.

I think we’d do well to decline the offer. I for one can say the only way I’d like any kind of Status Quo restored is if they’re willing to send us Rick Parfitt.

WHERE THERE’S AN ILL WILL, THERE’S A WAY: Brexit nonentity and professional rentagobshite Nigel Farage is to create more faux outrage. He is to patrol the new, underwater lorry parks in Kent to ensure that fuzzy footage of dinghies of alleged migrants reach social media.

He has adopted the title of “Clandestine Flooded Lorry Park Threat Commander”. There will not be a child playing in oversized Kentish puddles who will escape the vigilance of Captain Foghorn.

In a nice twist, the concrete wastelands which colloquially bear his name will receive his undivided attention. Expect a barrage of Farage Garage miscarriage of justice stories.

It is expected that inflatable rafts containing desperate asylum seekers will be drawn, inexorably, towards Farage. Like bees to a sweet flower, or flies to Mr Turd of Turd Hall, unfortunates from abroad are attracted to Nige.

Or maybe he loves these poor people so much, that it is actually he that is drawn to them.

“This is a total disaster!” thundered the man himself, to anyone who was willing to listen. “The government is entirely to blame. They are doing Brexit all wrong, and now the entire south-east is under water! I am personally increasing my vigilance so that nobody not dressed in a tweed suit will make land without my knowing about it!”

He took a deep drag on his Capstan Full Strength (Post-Brexit special issue), and coughed, patriotically. “The fags are a perfect defence against diseases carried by the filthy covid-riddled migrants,” he explained.

Farage paused to salute a flotilla of Great British Fish, which swam past in perfect formation, their Union Jack coloured dorsal fins breaking the surface. “Keep the flag flying, my inedible beauties!” he called, puffing out his chest.

He pulled his phone from his pocket and took a picture. “There’s a sad old man in Wokingham Asylum who loves fish pictures!” he said, pressing Send. “John Redwood, this one’s for you.”

With that he resumed his lonely vigil. Make Britain great Again!

JOB IN HAND : Matt Hancock is a striver. Matt Hancock is a trier. Matt Hancock is a real man.

“I don’t look back at explosions,” Matt Hancock reportedly told himself late last night, after another successful day tarnishing a good thing with Brexit.

And the explosion yesterday was the announcement that the UK is first to approve the Pfizer Covid-19 vaccine for use.

“It was Brexit what did it,” Matt told the world early yesterday, even though Brexit had nothing to do with the approval.

“It would be fair to say Brexit influenced the speed of approval,” our Brexit expert suggests, “because it’s going to potentially be a lot bloody harder to import this German product, developed by Turkish immigrants, and to be produced across the EU, into the UK if we crash out of the CU and SM at midnight on December 31st.”

But clearly given Brexit is likely to make even fighting the plague harder, government ministers had to take immediate action to alleviate this risk.

“By lying about it.”

Which of course is total Brexit.

“Rees-mogg got in on the act with Mogg too,” our expert continues, “saying that it was only because we have left the EU that we could so speedily approve the use of the vaccine.”

Thereafter the usual cast of idiots chorused the lies in the hope of establishing it.

“Tory MPs lying is just business as usual these days,” our expert notes, “which is a funny way to run a country, unless your aim is to run it into the ground. But it’s a shame that it has to even muddy the water around CV-19.”

What Matt Hancock will say to himself in the mirror this morning is uncertain, given that after he and his mates spent the entire day lying about the regulatory approval of the Pfizer vaccine, Boris Johnson declined to join them at it.

That’s probably the biggest shock of the day. He’s normally the epicentre of any life doing the rounds each day.

“At least this will boost public trust in the vaccine,” our correspondent adds, “now that the usual Tory muppets have spent the day lying about it, the rebuttals to their nonsense will exponentially increase public understanding about the vaccine and its development.”

INDIGESTIBLE WORD SALADS : WITH LOCKDOWN 2.0 ENDING TODAY THE GREAT BRITISH PUBLIC IS UNDERSTANDABLY CONCERNED TO UNDERSTAND THE NEW TIER SYSTEM WHICH FOLLOWS.

“Clearly the most important aspect is to keep Tim Martin happy, not what the public understands. Actually the less they understand the better,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “which is why the major feature is how to get people back into a Wetherspoons, and non-branded pubs, so they survive long enough to be bought out of administration and converted to Wetherspoons next year.”

To this end you will be allowed to drink in pubs again from tomorrow, but only if you do so with a standard Wetherspoons accompaniment of a food like substance.

But for those worried about piling on even more pounds on top of the lockdown weight, there’s a calorific exception.

“Knowledge is the food of the soul, so you don’t necessarily have to have a couple of scotch eggs with your pint of warm bitter, no matter what Michael Gove says.”

Apparently the other option is something you can bring along yourself.

“You can speak a Boris Johnson metaphor instead of order food,” the aide confirms, “and if you can’t recall any because you’ve repressed the knowledge out of self preservation, you can use an app to produce one on the spot.”

The app is being developed by a sub-contractor, sub-contracted by a sub-sub-contractor, who is sub-contracted to a company set up last week with £5 in it.

“The app will be really easy to use. You simply select the historical period of your choosing for Mr Johnson to misunderstand, choose which classical language you want mixed in and then whether or not you want your first pet’s name or your favourite type of Farrow and Ball paint added to the mix. The app will provide a bespoke Johnson word salad on the spot.”

It will be no use to anyone in terms of clarifying the challenges we face as a nation, but at least it’ll allow you to stay and get pissed.