PANDERING TO THE LEAVERS : ON A DAY WHEN MANY BRITONS WERE EXPECTING THE FINALISATION OF BREXIT NEGOTIATIONS BETWEEN THE CRUMBLING EU SUPERSTATE TYRANNY AND MIGHTY GLOBAL BRITAIN 2.0, FIELD MARSHALL BORIS JOHNSON HAD OTHER PLANS.
As EU leaders waited anxiously by the phone for World King Johnson to call and offer them the terms of their surrender, the prime minister was instead wearing a white lab coat and touring (the until now secret) facility where the iconic, native English aeroplanes are to be bred.
It’s believed the plan to repopulate the wilds of Blighty with Spitfires has been in the works for some time, but only now has it been revealed, in order to show the EU what they’re dealing with.
“The breeding programme will be modelled on the successful efforts to get captive pandas to mate,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it’s hoped with the right conditions in their stable nature will take its course.”
The right conditions are said to be endless screenings of WW2 movies and “The Dambusters” soundtrack played at an “invigorating level” when it’s time to “get down to business”.
In order to fund the ambitious project beaver breeding programmes have been put on the back burner, regional development funds for Cornwall diverted, and other funds taken from food.
But while all proper patriots will celebrate the initiative, not everyone is happy.
It’s believed a cohort of hard Brexit Tory MPs have set up a research group to study the programme after concerns were raised about the purity of the breeding stock.
“We’ve heard that the Spitfire cow has been imported from Poland. Or maybe even more alarmingly, from France,” Tory MP Woadface Spittlebrain Cockspangle Flagshagger Nostalgia Freak Potential-Foreign-Arset Phosphorus Cocyx Numbbrain Poostain told LCD Views. “If this is the case we simply will not have it. It’s better to have no wild Spitfires than Spitfires with EU bloodlines in them. Just think what they may grow up to do?”
Mr Johnson is said to be willing to address the Spitfire Research Group’s concerns. Just as soon as he’s finished mussing up his hair for the obligatory photoshoot.
The first Spitfire cubs are expected to arrive before the end of the year and the programme will only cost £100bn!