Category: Really fake news

TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE : THE UK BREATHED A SIGH OF RELIEF when it was announced the Prime Minister’s dad had been fully vaccinated against CV-19, mostly because of how many random members of the public he makes contact with.

Whether it was overseas holidays, or day to day public transport use, it seemed not a day went by without the sire of the UK’s biggest and best known dumb blonde joke hitting the news stands.

“So when the time came this morning to choose a well known face to front the campaign to raise public awareness over the heavy new penalties for breaking travel restrictions, Johnson senior was the only choice.”

And in order for the campaign to have maximum effectiveness it will have to invade the public attention as readily as a virus protein spike in your windpipe.

“The campaign will actually be exceptionally clever. You won’t even notice any change in Stanley’s day to day behaviour. He’s going to be asked to carry on as usual. He’ll break restrictions here, there and everywhere and be filmed doing it. It will be exceptionally cheap to produce, which is nice. The savings can be given to a Tory donor in the form of a PPE contract. Really efficient use of limited public resources. We can all be proud.”

But to ensure maximum impact each time the PM’s dad is proven to have broken the new rules, he will escape all punishment. This will have the public rapt.

“It’s one of the tangible benefits of CV-19. There’s now a long list of government figures, and people associated with them, documented to have broken CV-19 restrictions and SFA has happened to them. It helps condition the plebs for life in Brexit. Well, those that survive the pandemic long enough to enjoy it.”

Keep a look out for Stanley in your neighbourhood and know if you spot doing something dodgy, you’ve been taught a lesson.

INVEST IN MATT : THE UK’S HEALTH MINISTER, Matt Hancock, maybe under increasing media speculation regarding all the PPE contracts he’s dished out like candy to friends and associates, but that isn’t slowing him down.

“Everyone is so distracted by Amsterdam overtaking London as the trading capital of Europe that they’ve not fully appreciated what a world beating investment the Health Secretary is proving to be,” our Financial Services analyst comments.

“People who put their faith and money in Matt years back are now reaping amazing returns. With interest rates historically low on traditional investments, buying shares in Matt is a proven profit maker. And there’s still a lot of his soul to buy shares in. I would go long on Matt today. The risk of him being shorted is minimal, so long as Boris Johnson needs a series of shields he can hide behind during the pandemic. And beyond. While the stated aims of the NHS shakeup look agreeable, it’s likely that’s a load of bull manure and a cover. Matt has a lot of work to do still, so long as he can continue to swallow it.”

And given Mr Hancock famously said he could never support proroguing parliament in the service of Brexit, that it would go against everything those men who died on the beaches [WW2] died for, and then turned about face as quick as you like and supported the prorogation of parliament in the service of Brexit, it’s like he’s a rich seam to mine into the future.

“It’s not only shares in Matt that are returning amazing returns. Whether you’ve donated 10’s of 1,000’s to him politically, or simply had a beer with him once, there’s exciting developments in the Matt pipeline.”

The next plan it seems is to relaunch Hancock as a digital currency. The first human to make the transformation.

“The only hiccup currently seems to be what the call the currency? MattCoin is the obvious favourite. But MattCon may prove to be more accurate over time.”

WHERE THERE IS RANCOUR LET US SOW DISCORD : The United Kingdom’s last prime minister, Boris Johnson, has now and then been accused of being selfish, but he’s hitting back at that.

The government’s country beating levelling up agenda is just the opportunity Mr Johnson has been looking for to show the various components of the country what he thinks of them. The decision to open a new coal mine in North Wales is ripe for exploitation.

“He’s going to share Maggie with the Welsh,” a 10 Downing Street genius told LCD Views. “The decision to green light a new coal mine not only sends a signal to the world how serious the Tories are about fighting climate change, it is also a symbolic opportunity too good to miss.”

The chance the old chancer is taking is to name the mine after a modern, historical figure secure in the minds and feelings of the people of Wales.

“The Margaret Thatcher memorial coal mine will dig deep into the feelings of the people of Cymru,” the source advises. “Every time they pass by the mine they’ll see her name and know exactly what Mr Johnson thinks of them.”

And the opening of the mine will not be wasted either.

“The woman who normally plays Carrie for doorstep claps is currently retraining to impersonate Mrs Thatcher. It’s her greatest acting challenge since playing Melania Trump.”

The idea is thought to have been cooked up by Mr Johnson’s new unit focused on keeping the United Kingdom together, by expressions of our shared values.

A statue of Mrs Thatcher will also be erected outside the mine’s entrance so all those employed there know exactly what is waiting for them deep under the ground.

MERCI : A SURVEY OF BRITISH SHOPPERS HAS REVEALED A TOTALLY EXPECTED RESULT, REGARDING THE ATTITUDES OF THE FRENCH.

Experts in consumer attitudes and brand trends, Mastadon, were commissioned to undertake a broad ranging study of consumer attitudes within the UK and made some surprising discoveries about our continental friends and allies.

“We asked thousands of shoppers what they felt about the new packaging for British groceries, post Brexit,” Sabr Tooth, CEO of Mastadon told LCD Views. “I had already guessed what the results would be, when I was designing the survey questions. I wasn’t disappointed.”

It’s believed British shoppers felt that anything plastered with a Union Jack on it must taste better.

“People feel a hitherto unknown source of nationalist sentiment when choosing a carton of eggs that is covered in the Union Jack 100%. If you don’t have trouble working out what the product is now, because of all the flags, than the product must be rubbish and the person selling it to you should probably go to a re-education camp where the Commandant is Widdecombe for Fuhrage.”

But what about the French?

“What about the French indeed. It’s clear they can do with taking a few pointers from the English, as we embark on our new and bold patriotic destiny as leaders of the Pacific region.”

The telling moment was a question asked specifically about that most famous of French exports, wine.

“We showed English shoppers several images of wine from French regions and asked what they thought about the bottles? And importantly, what they thought the French thought about themselves, as expressed in the packaging. The lack of French flags was damning. It would be impossible to tell where the wine was produced because the labels are just not patriotic.”

And the findings are important for the trading future of the British empire.

“We will now advise Kent wine makers to plaster their bottles in Union Jacks. That’ll stuff Macron. We’ll be the leading exporter of English sparkling wine in no time.”

FASH-IONABLE CONTENT : UK GRANDDADDY OF BROADCASTING, ANDY, is to relaunch his career after the BBC bizarrely canned it.

Although, already few can remember what the show he used to present for the Beeb was called, all can remember his unsheathed opinions were given freely, in between the occasional journalism.

That may now all be as extinct as the Dodo, but not punchy Andy! He’s still a tour de force. You just have to look at his Twitter account to know that. Well, you look, we’ve blocked it. But in a show of double standards befitting modern UK journalism, it won’t stop us opining on the subject.

It’s not entirely sure what will feature on the new show, although there is a stellar cast of rent-a-far-right-gobshites lined up to appear already, so you can guarantee it will never undermine the strength of the British knee.

And the strength of the British knee is sure to feature heavily, as an insider has suggested that no less luminary a figure than Sir Roderick Spode will have a weekly feature to discuss just that.

“Alongside the importance of British manufactured bicycles. And homegrown British turnips.”

And even before the launch of GB News Andy is setting out who stall, and surprisingly limiting who can watch it.

“This is because all of the those watching will have to wear the same uniform,” our source says, “and have the same salute.”

What badges, epaulettes and button designs the uniforms will carry is under wraps. This means you’re welcome to imagine it for yourself.

The one thing that is clear, from Andy’s dictate over who can watch, is that he will carry the torch for free speech in Brexitannia, and there will be no cancel culture, unless he disagrees with anything you’ve said.

TOTAL TRUSST : The UK’s trade envoy to the stars, Liz Truss, has taken some flack since taking on her purely symbolic role of providing thin gruel for the tabloids to exaggerate, but not today.

Later this morning the U.K. government’s favourite imaginary minister is to tell the Milky Way of her latest coup at a make believe press conference that will be as real as photos of her staged phone calls.

“Last week I met with representatives of the CCCP trade association,” Ms Truss will beam, “and the only thing I wore was a Union Jack!”

And it seems the choice of patriotic fabric was a smart move indeed, as the CCCP also love their flags.

“Comrade Brexitnev said he couldn’t believe how easy it has been to convince the United Kingdom to leave the largest trade bloc right on our doorstep and travel back in time to him. But he said every rouble, dollar, pound and euro spent funding Tory Party MPs had been money well spent, and more than paid for themselves with the returns.”

But unlike the UK’s now defunct membership of the EU, there will be no referendum for the public to say yay or nay over the proposed union of two totalitarian, trade super blocs. The people are spared the overbearing responsibility of a vote this time.

“Initially the great British public won’t notice too much difference,” Ms Truss advised. “But once the choice in the shops reduces and clear open spaces open up on shelves, and diplomatic spats with neighbours that would otherwise never have occurred begin, you’ll know we’re headed only one way.”

Special commemorative coins will be issued announcing the new arrangements and camps built for dissenters.

“Great leader Boris Johnsonov is also to give a speech and exalt the achievements of the fatherland,” Ms Truss added. “A balcony is being attached to 10 Downing Street as we speak and he will wave benevolently as the military parades by.”

It should also be noted that if Mr Johnsonov vanishes for days he’s just drunk, like so many of the strongmen who went before him.

“The new super pact just goes to show that if you believe in something hard enough, than it’s true,” Liz finished. “Just like my job!”

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME : DOWNING STREET is to make moves to capitalise on the BRITISH VICTORY IN THE VACCINE WARS AGAINST EUROPE.

Many of the actions will be predictable.

“Boris Johnson has ordered a Spitfire fly past tomorrow along the White Cliffs of Dover,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“You probably saw that one coming. We know Macron will! Take that!”

There will also be a new military medal celebrating valour on the post Brexit field of BATTLE.

“It’s to recognise that although we WON THE BREXIT WAR, we will never surrender either our sense of superiority or VICTIMHOOD just to please the UNELECTED bureaucrats in BRUSSELS.”

The war will never end, all can take heart from that, so long as Brexiters govern.

“We need an enemy always or we can’t make sense of the world,” the source clarified. “But the boldest move that Johnson has ordered will be the most effective.”

This is because it will call on the prime minister’s famous MASTERY OF the English LANGAUGE.

“Monday is when it happens. Little Mark Francois has been chosen to do the deed. This will cement his return to front line politics after a regrettable absence, for reasons its best to keep in the longest grass you can find.”

And the deed will be linguistic.

“Words and talking are his area of excellence and this one act will ensure victory in all and any of the weekly, daily, hourly fights with Brussels that will inevitably occur, frequently, thanks to BREXIT GETTING DONE. So long as BRUSSELS stubbornly refuse to remain alone in the 21st century. And even if they don’t.”

But what is this powerful deed?

“Boris Johnson is introducing a world beating new law that will force the publishers of the Oxford English Dictionary to change the meaning of British to “EXCEPTIONALISM”. And all other publishers of dictionaries. And that’s all capitals. Because that’s how we communicate NOW AND FOREVER FROM NOW IN GLOBAL BRITAIN.”

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD : THE UK’S LORD HIGH UNDERTAKER, AND PART TIME PRIME MINISTER, BUT FULL TIME GRAVEDIGGER, BORIS ‘AL’ JOHNSON HAS INVITED THE PANDEMIC TO PEACE TALKS.

The aim of the talks is thought to be securing a truce with the virus that has ravaged the UK under Mr Johnson’s barely sentient leadership. It is not yet known where the proposed meeting will take place, but most suspect a quiet, country graveyard with appealing views of the surrounding mass burials. What Mr Johnson is planning to wear to the meeting isn’t yet clear, although a combination of Big Tent character and 100% unadulterated horseshit manufacturer is likely to be the pick.

Mr Johnson is further expected to leave his hair uncombed, and may even purposely muss it up for the meeting (by use of a balloon), to wow the virus with his enduring and youthful appearance.

A spokesman for the Prime Minister said that he is willing to “wrap his arms” around his enemy, and that much common ground has already been found in the lowering of the pension bill. Working together, even while appearing to be fighting one another.

“The sweetener for the truce, should it be agreed, will be the titles and baubles that Mr Johnson is prepared to offer the virus, should it agree to a ceasefire.”

Many will recall how easily the middle ranking diplomatic service non-entity Lord Frost was convinced to let the EU make a complete and utter fool of him, just by virtue of the gift by the prime minister of more unearned British privilege.

“Covid will reach an accord with lands and titles in Kent. We believe it will live well by the sea in Thanet. Or perhaps even in Essex, where it can work hand in hand with control freak, apparently reformed death penalty champion Priti Patel. They would make a famous pair, as they both excel at ending freedom of movement.”

DIGGING FOR BRITAIN: Brexit expert and top Tory fish fetishist John Redwood wants us to grow everything we need in this country. Right now, the UK needs a vaccine for covid, so Redwood is suggesting that we grow our own.

After all, he has already hinted that the UK should become self-sufficient in bananas, tea, and of course fish. 

Redwood rarely appears in public these days, his Vulcan blood meaning that Priti Patel is liable to deport him on sight. He directs operations from his secure bunker in a secret location via social media.

As usual, Redwood gives no guidance. But his gang of loyal followers insists that covid vaccine seeds are readily available. It is every Englishman’s duty to cultivate a covid cure, in the sunlit uplands where anything grows.

After all, on Redwood’s advice, we are all stocking our garden ponds with happy, British, fish and chips that spontaneously leap out of the water, battered, fried, and ready to eat, on command.

England is a nation of gardeners, now that the shopkeepers have gone out of business thanks to our Glorious Brexit. Every garden now boasts groves of coffee beans and a feature tea plantation. Banana palms are flourishing in the January cold and rain, fed by Belief In Britain and ample quantities of manure supplied by Redwood himself.

Thanks to Redwood’s patriotic fervour, even the smallest back yard is now capable of supporting a herd of cows. Households up and down the land are joyously cultivating bees, since Redwood has deemed banned pesticides to be harmless. It is truly a land of milk and honey.

But pride of place, next to the magic money tree, and between the coconut palm and the pineapple plant, goes to the Vaccine Bush. This sprouts vials of British vaccine, branded with the Union Jack, whenever an Englishman cries “What ho, old bean!” Huzzah! It’s a triumph of swivel-eyed jingoism over reality.

Or, alternatively, all it means is that Redwood has taken charge of a stash of hallucinogenic drugs belonging to Michael Gove.

DUCK AND COVER : HEDGEHOGS IN THE UK ARE NOW OFFICIALLY AT RISK OF EXTINCTION. DOWNING STREET IS NOT HAVING THAT, WHICH IS WHY THEY ARE RE-INTRODUCING NEONICOTINOIDS FOR ONE, TO REDUCE THE INSECT POPULATION.

But they’re not stopping there, they’re going one better and appointing a hedgehog Tsar to save them.

“Chris Grayling has the job,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “with his flair for shifting public money to private pockets, regardless of public outcomes, we should see all one million remaining hedgehogs in the UK safely in the custody of Serco by the weekend.”

And Grayling is believed to have many other ideas for how to save our spiky little friends.

“He’s going to individually shave them, to make them more approachable. And he’ll be feeding them. Pizza mostly, as he still has a hotline to a Pizza Ferry Delivery Service and can get them all a great deal. They won’t starve this winter with a large ham and pineapple pizza delivered to their little doors.”

But critics have suggested that the move is just a publicity stunt as Downing Street scratches about in the dark for a good news story.

“That’s nonsense. We’ve already carparked half the countryside of England for lorry holding zones. The hedgehogs are finding moving about much easier now. And when the post Brexit riots start the hedgehogs will benefit from burnt suburban fencing.”

Of course, as it’s Johnson’s government, the initiative wouldn’t be complete without a slogan.

“Get Hedgehogs Done!”

“It’s catchy! And in Grayling we’ve picked just the man to see hedgehogs through to completion.”

But the hedgehogs don’t seem to thrilled with the drive to save them.

“We’ve started a petition,” a representative of the hedgehog sector told LCD Views, “most of us have signed it already. You lot have done enough already. We demand you keep Chris Grayling as far as f*ck away from us as possible.”