Category: Really fake news

MOURNING HAS BROKEN: Dominic Raab will today announce a national period of mourning. It will last, he will say, from the time you wake up until the time you have your mid-day meal.

In times past, that master of the public mood, Chris Grayling, would have been wheeled out to reassure the nation. Since his demise in a bizarre gardening accident, Raab has taken on his mantle with aplomb.

It is in sad times such as these that we, The British People, look to our leaders to set the tone. Fortunately our beloved Foreign Secretary is the ideal candidate. He has been taking extra lessons in setting the tone from Matt Hancock.

But Raab needs no further encouragement. He is a man who naturally inspires confidence. There is something majestic about the sweaty forehead, the throbbing vein in the temple, the raabbit in the headlights stare.

Additionally, you need look no further than his monumental achievements. Raab, you will remember, single handedly discovered the excessive amount of UK trade that passes through the Dover-Calais route. Although this is much diminished these days, thanks to Raab’s secondary discovery that red tape streamlines trade to the point of elimination.

Keen readers will also recall his inspirational handling of Northern Ireland. This is a sensitive area, requiring careful diplomacy, but Raab’s approach was innovative. Innovative to the point of not actually reading the Good Friday Agreement. Well, in his defence, it is a full 35 pages long, and Boris Johnson himself can only manage two pages at a time. (Other Agreements are available.)

So we as a nation will mourn. We will lower our flags as we lower our tone. We will all wear our Sunday best Union Jack pattern suits. Then in the afternoon it will be fine to return to angry nationalism and throwing patriotic petrol bombs.

CHAOS ENSUES : 10 Downing Street have ordered all Tory MPs to lower the flags in their living rooms to half mast out of respect.

The special order was given out a little after midnight last night when it occurred to one of the prime minister’s drinking companions that they’re all going to look “bloody disrespectful” doing media interviews for two weeks at full mast.

While the order itself is uncontroversial and a traditional sign of respect, it has immediately led to mass trauma.

No lesser light than Mark Francois is said to have been the first casualty after getting his pinky caught in the rope attempting to lower his flag. Reports say he almost fainted and was only saved by the fact he was so close to the floor already.

He wasn’t the only one though. Rumours say that Matt Hancock nearly drowned. It’s well known he does all his Zoom interviews from his toilet. While lowering his Union Flag the leading edge slipped into the bowl and became wet.

“It was like watching a recreation of D Day,” an anonymous source related. “He dove headfirst into the bowl to save his country’s honour. Only he became wedged and when his hands flailed about to find purchase to prize himself out he accidentally flushed. Still. Respect. We all know the high regard he holds for those men who died on those beaches.”

Those two weren’t individual cases however. The Home Secretary is said to have had trouble undoing the knot on her flag pole and simply got a pair of shears and cut the flag in half.

“She’s now looking for an asylum seeker to blame,” a source says. “Clearly if word gets out that she’s desecrated the Union Flag with her actions she’ll be promoted. She’s having too much fun in her current role.”

Several MPs are said to have turned up at A&E departments across England, having lowered the flag fully by accident and then decided to have a go at pole dancing.

“It’s grim,” a trauma surgeon told LCD, off the record. “I’ve seen bad spinal injuries in my time but a patriotic trauma like this? Recovery will be prolonged. And what about the flags? WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE FLAGS?”

It’s believed the calamity has led now to a total media blackout for two weeks so no one has to be faced with the embarrassment of flags in living rooms that can’t physically be lowered out of respect.

“Let’s just hide,” a 10 Downing Street source said. “For the prime minister it’s an opportunity too good to miss.”

BABY IT’S COLD INSIDE : WARMING NEWS today with the confirmation that the 10 Downing Street Prime Ministerial fridge is to undergo a major refit.

The fridge is described as a “luxury, walk-in model complete with drinks”. It was installed early in the current prime minister Boris Johnson’s reign after he successfully dodged a TV interview during an election campaign, by hiding in a fridge.

“There was some blowback from dodging that live interview, as it made a mortal enemy of Piers Morgan. You remember him? Used to present a morning show or something. Hell hath no fury like a morning TV presenter scorned…”

The refit is expected to cost £2.6m which in the days of Brexit Britain is chickenfeed, if measured on the PPE contract scale.

“The Prime Minister will be able to continue with his usual governance style inside the fully hermetically sealed fridge which has no contact with the outside world, or any recognisable reality at all,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“Supporters of the PM need not worry that he will be bored though, as the refit will install a world king size, vibrating waterbed and enough chilled champagne to keep anyone going over a long weekend.”

The reason for the refit appears to be a reaction to current news in the United Kingdom, which is becoming a touch unpleasant.

“The Prime Minister has a growing list of tough questions to answer,” the source confirms. “Thus he needs somewhere really close by in which to hide.”

BRASS NECK : A WELCOME SIGHT is set to greet Brexit voters ejected as illegal immigrants from EU27 countries upon their return to England with the revelation that a statue in their honour is to be installed at the arrivals terminal at Heathrow Airport.

The plan is said to be the brainchild of an anonymous minister in Mr Johnson’s cabinet who hasn’t stopped travelling all through the pandemic, and for whom most of the current travel restrictions are tailored to suit.

“He kept passing the lines at the immigration hall, via the preferential treatment access, and thinking how nice it would be if any of the people lined up had a welcoming face to greet them. Especially if they were an ex-pat who for reasons best left unmentioned did not choose to apply for residency in their former home.”

The statue will be paid for by public subscription and is believed will be designed and installed by the weekend.

“The Prime Minister himself is said to have given the idea the greenlight while completely hammered on claret the other night,” the source reveals. “As such it is now top priority, as with any idea he likes while hammered.”

The materials to be used in the composition of the proud statue will be mostly brass around the neck, clay for the feet with an entirely empty inside.

“We’re going to stand it on a plinth sprinkled with sand from the Costa del Sol. People who have made themselves useful idiots for the international cartel of kleptocrats driving Brexit deserve to be honoured in a fitting way.”

No plans have yet been drawn up to commemorate the stress, hardship, expense and utter moral crime perpetrated on EU27 citizens who settled legally in the UK in the years before their rights were involuntarily downgraded by the British electorate.

“Who cares about immigrants?” the source added. “We do. It’s clear in our every act.”

GETTING A TAN FROM STANDING IN THE ENGLISH RAIN: Expats coming home from sunny Spain are relieved to be holidaying on the Costa del Skegness this year.

Many have expressed the delight at finally getting away from all that hot sunshine. So much better, they say, to shiver in an overcoat in driving rain and a howling gale on a shingle beach next to the North Sea.

Why sit around the pool all day, with sun cream, shades and endless margaritas, when you can huddle up outside a dirty beachside café drinking expensive instant coffee? All you need is that extra sovereignty and a Union Jack. Bugger Spain, we got our country back.

Classic English resorts are bracing themselves for an influx this year. Skegness is so bracing anyway. But towns like Great Yarmouth and Weston Super Mud are already investing in extra bunting and Kiss Me Quick hats.

“We have already dusted off the classic ‘No dogs, no blacks, no Irish’ signs in anticipation,” claimed traditional seaside hotelier Candie Floss. “I know it’s not exactly acceptable these days, but it’s my little effort towards the War On Woke and it’s what our more patriotic new customers expect.”

Many expats happily trooping in from Heathrow are making their way home to the cream of English towns, like Luton and Corby. They are excited to be holidaying in Clacton and Cleethorpes this year.

“I can’t tell you how excited we are,” said the happily repatriated Bennie Dorm. “The wife and I will be heading straight to one of the red, white and blue flag beaches with our knotted hanky hats. We are looking forward to a stroll along the prom past the arcades and the chip shops, eating British shellfish straight from the sea, and getting hammered in the local Wetherspoons. We can’t wait to grumble about some proper damp drizzly August weather!”

Gammon on sea. Coming to a resort near you.

PEACEFUL PROTESTS: The full force of the law was brought to bear this weekend. Many officers were diverted from other duties to watch the statue of Churchill.

In the event, the statue protested peacefully, and didn’t attempt to riot, or even to chant slogans. So it was arrested for wasting the time of its heavily armed guard.

Naturally the Met was quick to defend its actions. Spokesman Eve Ningall immediately went on the attack.

“Churchill is a known individual of interest,” stated WPC Ningall. “Also a known ringleader, and a rallying point for the worst kind of violent nationalists. We couldn’t take the risk of leaving him to fight us on the beaches!”

This is a statue, for goodness’ sake. Why all the fuss?

“Threatening to deface a statue now carries a ten year sentence,” countered Ningall. “We are protecting the public from themselves. The Met has no problem with arresting people on spurious grounds, but the paperwork is an actual nightmare. Fortunately nobody was interested in the statue. Which is why we had to arrest it!”

Now it makes sense. Arrested because it didn’t cause the expected problems?

“Yes, it’s the same reason we go in hard on protesters who don’t cause any trouble,” admitted Ningall. “It’s a quick win, they get a night in the cells to think about all the trouble they caused us, we meet our daily arrest target. The snowflakes can grumble all they like on social media, at the end of the day we have a job to do.”

What will you do with Churchill?

“Charge him,” said Ningall. “Charge him with wasting police time, for protesting peacefully, for obstructing the highway, for having an ugly mug. Basically we are going to throw the book at him. But those aren’t his biggest crimes.”

You could almost feel the temperature drop several degrees. Ningall’s voice grew frosty.

“He was in the public domain without a Union Jack.”

PAY IN ANY CURRENCY YOU LIKE : Fantastic news for patriotic consumers today with the launch of the Prime Minister Boris Johnson inaction figurine.

The toy has been specially developed in partnership with an international clique by the Tory Party 1922 Committee and goes on sale just like the U.K.

“The Boris Johnson inaction figurine mimics the man’s pandemic response. Completely inactive. Just keep winding him up. He will move eventually, but it will always be too late. It’s adorable and 100% plastic patriotism has been used in the paint job,” a member of the Evil Designs team told us.

Accessories are available. Union Flags maybe purchased separately and a full range of occupational outfits. The only one missing is the prime ministerial one.

“The Prime Minister doesn’t have to live alone either. He comes with a full range of Barbie like partners. With our special arts and crafts add on kit too you can make a range of homes for the dolls to live in. All you have to do is then construct a toy bus out of empty wine crates and he’ll hop in and visit all of them to a timetable.”

There is a note of warning though for use and operation.

“He must under no circumstances be exposed to direct light. He’s a bit like a gremlin that way. The light of scrutiny especially has to be avoided at all times. Too much of that and he won’t be able to move on as designed.”

A full range of attending minister figurines are in the planning and design stages so the inaction figurine can do nothing like the job of a prime minister with friends!

“He works best after a few bottles of claret have been poured down his fully movable mouth. Get your figurine hammered and just wait for the pre-recorded, semi-remembered classical references to flow!”

The Prime Ministerial Inaction Figurine – get yours while stocks last and you’ll be thoroughly entertained all through the next completely avoidable lockdown!

IS IT SECRET IS IT SAFE : Downing Street has declared today that it is no longer satisfactory to allow sleeping dogs to lie on the porch of British democracy, they will be made to tell the truth instead.

“We’re going to look underneath every single one of them and get to the truth,” a 10 Downing Street source declared. “The Prime Minister has ordered the immediate establishment of an independent inquiry into Russian interference in UK democracy. No stone will be left unturned.”

The decision will surprise many who have been worried about the safety of the British electoral process, ever since everything started evidentially going to shit, right before our eyes.

“It is no longer acceptable to allow money from any source, not just Russia, to flood into the British political establishment and potentially subvert the sanctity of the democracy. We must recall that Westminster is the Mother of Parliaments and move to defend her.”

The about turn is welcome with the Johnson administration previously on the end of stern criticism for the refusal to even look for interference.

“It is highly likely that many of our recent elections and referendums are compromised, both by malevolent actors from Russia and of course America. We believe the flood of dark money must be dammed. If necessary all MPs who have received money from abroad, even if it was technically legal, will be made to repay the sums.”

The findings of the inquiry will be made public and there will be no redaction.

“We must face what we allowed to happen to our country on our watch. We must be brave and face our weakness. How else can we expect to recover?”

The inquiry is expected to conclude before the end of the summer.

“It seems obvious that we have no bloody idea what is going on in the UK anymore as it steadily moves towards self-immolation. Mr Johnson will not stand for this. He is a modern Churchill. He will now have his finest shower.”

FATHERLAND : Go Daddy Go! It’s official, Boris Johnson is the best example of a possible it is father to find in the Kingdom United. And there’s nothing front to back it about!

“We’re all just gushing inside,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “His current alleged bit on the side, his girlfriend, his mistress, the woman who he sees quarterly, the ladies at that villa in Tuscany. his most recent fiancée and his ex-wives could not agree more. You know what tipped the scales?”

Don’t keep us in suspenders! What?

“It is said he let a donor pay for gold sheet for the nursery walls. I mean, what a dad? Most dad’s can’t be bothered with all the hassle of arranging the kickback, allegedly.”

The decision to declare Mr Johnson as the greatest example of fathering in the United Kingdom was apparently rather easy too.

“He had a committee of Downing Street staff investigate. Set it up and let them get on with it. Like he does with most of his offspring. You can’t stick around when you’ve got so much fathering to do, in so many houses!”

Did anyone else come into contention?

“Of course! Dominic Cummings came third for doing what any father would do in a pandemic. You know trips up motorways while sick with a potentially lethal virus. Eye tests at speed with your kid strapped in the back. Really outstanding work, like all of his efforts. And Stanley Johnson was the runner up.”

One would have expected that the older Johnson may have taken the gong?

“It was a close call. But no one could decide which country he’d be in when it is time to receive it.”

It’s quite a week for Downing Street.

“Yes. Johnson has solved racism and now he’s the greatest dad, purely by virtue of how many kids he’s gathered, both acknowledged and not.”

MENTAL ENGINEERING : THE CHESTS OF BRITONS ARE SWELLING WITH PRIDE today after a completely sincere and honest study found that current Prime Minister Boris Johnson is the greatest bridge builder in the history of the UK.

The study was untaken after some people suggested that he may be the exact opposite of a builder, actually more a wrecker. Someone who just launches feasibility studies for massive projects because that’s a handy way of handing out public money with zero expectation of a return.

“How can he not be the greatest bridge builder?” a 10 Downing Street source demanded. “Just think of the sheer scale of bridges he has suggested. He’s always talking about building them.”

While the bridges are exclusively of the mind, the committee undertaking the study didn’t care about that.

“Tens of millions of taxpayers’ money has been spent conducting feasibility studies and doing up designs. That counts for a lot.”

But critics have suggested that people working for a man who builds no bridges are not best placed to undertake a study of this kind. There is a risk of a lack of impartiality. Especially when the head of the study has previously written a lot about what a great builder Johnson is, even without ever building anything.

“That’s just jealous people talking. I bet they haven’t even built a double decker bus out of empty wine crates, let along suggested building a bridge across the Irish Sea. Slackers. Dead cat producers.”

There was no mention of who the second biggest bridge builder is, because no one else matters in Boris Johnson’s England.

And here, completely unrelated to this article, is a clip of the prime minister refusing to shake hands with two black men at a Conservative Party Conference.