Category: Really fake news

I FEEL THE NEED : Downing Street is pulling out all stops to combat the shortage of HGV drivers in the UK, before the inevitable food riots bring down the regime. All stops that is except reversing the damaging immigration law changes that exacerbated the crisis.

The latest wheeze takes its inspiration from WW2, which everyone knows is the only historical time period of any importance whatsoever for Brexit Britain.

“Britain’s tireless fleet of truck drivers will now be supplied with uppers to keep them going through the long hours of the night,” Transport Secretary Sebastian Fox (allegedly aka Grant Shapps) told LCD Views. “The decision to dope them to the eyeballs came after my colleague Mr Gove said he could hook me up with as much as I need. He assures me it’s all good quality gear, no nose garbage, and just to wait for the call.”

It’s not entirely clear how the amphetamines will get into the UK though with Priti Patel waging war on smugglers. Although suspicions are that the sizeable shipments of the required narcotics may well come in via “diplomatic parcels”.

What hauliers think about the plans to both abolish the safety directives which limit driving time, and now drug their red eyed drivers to the eyeballs, isn’t yet clear.

“We wouldn’t listen to them even if they told us,” Mr Shapps commented. “This is how we got Brexit done. By ignoring all the experts. Now, run along and photograph the empty fruit and veg aisles in your local supermarket.”

MASK ON MASK OFF : The decision of the United Kingdom to let the weirdest and most damaged attention seekers it can find govern it is bearing real and tangible fruit today. COBRA is to meet to decide what to do about the latest SEVERE threat to the statue of Winston Churchill.

“We can’t have FREEDOM DAY on the 19th of July if the greatest Englishman EVER is choking on a piece of fabric in the afterlife,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We didn’t singlehandedly defeat fascism nearly 80 years ago not to constantly reference it in a public health emergency.”

The threat itself appears to have been delivered via a fever dream to a member of the CRG.

“You know the Covid Recovery Group? If you don’t you should. They’re your government. They did the research that GOT BREXIT DONE. Now they’ve turned their laser hot sociopathy to GETTING COVID DONE. Essentially some of you will die, and they’re okay with that. But that doesn’t mean that an inanimate statue has to suffer to achieve victory over the concept of sanctity of life.”

Quite what will be done to protect the statue isn’t clear, with the police already over tasked ignoring the allegedly provable crimes of the high and mighty.

“We’ll have to deploy the army,” the source continues. “That is ultimately the solution to any problem. I mean we could employ the army to assist us in eliminating the virus within our borders within weeks and not need masks at all. But that is an act of out of the box thinking your PM and his handlers aren’t prepared to consider. Not while the pandemic is covering up for Brexit.”

The public however can play their part.

“You can help. All you have to do is give up any pretence of concern for the people around you. Then gather around the Churchill statue on the 19th of July and breathe. Breathe. Breathe in the air.”

Freedom Day will happen.

“Some of you will die. But we’re okay with that.”

ROTTEN TO THE CORE: A remarkable claim has been made by an obscure Tory MP desperate to jump on the Cancel Culture bandwagon. A BLM activist, he claims, consumed his family pet.

MP for the Rotten Borough of Canker-on-the-Quince, Sir Willie Warmer-FitzNicely, wrote an  angry letter to the editor of the Canker Chronicle. In this missive he alleges that the local BLM group purloined the unfortunate rodent, before cooking it and sharing it as a communal meal.

“It’s not the loss of a much-ignored family pet,” wailed Sir Willie’s prose. “It’s the symbolism I detest, the Marxist way in which these Woke types distributed little Hampers around the group of probably 5,000,000 activists, all threatening our way of life by kneeling down occasionally.”

Sir Willie goes on to paint a broader picture of life in the Borough. “We do not accept the validity of BLM in Canker-on-the-Quince,” he writes. “People want to go about their daily business of organising huge balls at their modest stately piles. There is a steady rhythm of preparation, gathering, drinking too much, and getting off with the chambermaid. Then next month, repeat at the next venue on the social calendar, a calendar that has remained unchanged since 1743. Traditions matter in these parts. We do not want to have to kneel down every time one of those ghastly Association Soccer games bullies off. These do-gooders do not understand that Canker residents simply do not bow down to anyone else, especially not bleeding heart lefties.”

The response has been simple astonishment. “I don’t know what Sir Willie thinks of his fellow villagers,” wrote one resident on the Canker residents’ Facebook page. “There are no activists here, unless you count the WI. And they certainly wouldn’t pinch a hamster, far less bake it into a cake. The poor animal probably escaped when its cage was being cleaned. Sir Willie should withdraw his remarks!”

“Willie out! Now!” was a far more pithy comment.

There has been no official comment yet from Number Ten, although they did confirm that a large consignment of uncategorised meat is making its way to Australia.

TRADITIONAL BRITISH VALUES : Page three of both classic printed newspapers and webpages could be about to undergo an eye popping return to former glories following the last dicktat from Downing Street.

It’s long been known on Fleet Street that the plummet in popularity of tabloids and their sales is because of the disastrous hiring of woke editors. Happily for the dinosaurs Iain Duncan Smith has some helpful suggestions.

“It’s not just imperial measurements and witch trials the giant brain of Iain’s has suggested stage a comeback to make post Brexit Britain great, it’s also girls, girls, girls,” a 10 Downing Street source reveals all!

It’s expected that Mr Johnson himself will personally be holding private meetings with the editors of the Sun, and other flagships of British journalistic standards, and putting Duncan’s revolutionary ideas to them.

“It’s likely to solve the trucker shortage at a stroke too,” the source adds, “it’s well known that EU truckers started deserting the U.K. once page 3 vanished. You try reading a paper in a foreign language that skips from page two to page four and see if you can make head or tails of it.”

Culture Minister Oliver Dowden is also believed to be enthusiastic about the plan and looking forward to ordering editors to have “Staycee 22, Burnsheep” enthusing about how if it wasn’t for Brexit we wouldn’t have had the viral success we have managed with the pandemic.

“She’ll also be enthusing about how new technology will soon solve the Irish Border issues just so long as the EU shows pragmatism and extends the sausage meat transition period to 2053.”

NEIL DOESN’T KNEEL FOR ANYONE : GB News has taken the U.K. by storm this week and provided a waiting recipient for left wing pranksters, who appear to have nothing better to do than mock an innocent and patriotic broadcaster funded by offshore backers.

It’s not just the pranksters that are causing the budding station to wilt in bud, it’s also the sound, lighting, presenters, guests and ability to tell the difference between towns in Wales and Birmingham.

“Sponsors are running for the hills too,” an insider tells LCD Views. “The failure of Andrew Neil to secure advertising support from Brillo pads wasn’t seen as too bad because we had Coop, IKEA, Kopparberg and others. But now many of them are pulling out too. This means more offshore cash will have to fill the void, especially in the face of fast plummeting viewing figures.”

It is a puzzle for many how a plan to get all of the UK’s cranks and weird money funded bad actors in one place for a midlife crisis, gobshite festival has not led to immediate commercial success. Additionally that Mr Neil may have achieved his success hitherto not from instinctive genius, but by virtue of having the BBC do most of the work for him.

There is however a light on a very dark horizon.

“We have lost the Open University ads but we are close to securing support with England’s predominate educational institution. I’m talking about none other than the University of Life!”

Let’s hope negotiations are successful and Mr Neil doesn’t have to shuffle back to his patriotic retirement in the south of France.

“Most of the professors of the university already appear regularly so it should be a done deal.”

GB News – the mid-life crisis will be televised. It’s just a little uncertain who will pay for it long term.

LIVEN UP ANY PARTY : G7 meetings are famously boring ever since Russia decided it would no longer be present in person and instead decided to send first Donald Trump and then Boris Johnson. Happily Mr Johnson is determined to fill the void left by Mr Putin, even if he must do so with his shirt on.

This week’s gathering in Cornwall is no exception. While many of the people gathered are busying themselves wondering when Cornwall will declare independence, before or after Nicola Sturgeon? Mr Johnson is up to the task of ignoring the peripheral issues and leading.

How better to lead some of the most high profile people on Earth than with examples of your own achievements. Mr Johnson is a man who can point to a cupboard full of such. But it’s not just abandoned children shoved in behind arts and crafts projects, according to Britain’s greatest war time Prime Minister he is also responsible for a famous vegetable.

“Like Agamemnon attempting to refine the colour of carrots from purple to the now ubiquitous orange, I have faced the intense heat of horticultural invention face first. Not many people know this, but I have invented the iceberg lettuce! Today I reveal to you my finest creation. You will all receive one to take home to your countries where you are free to grow as many as you like so long as you agree to pay for my curtains.”

Reports from inside the meeting room say the announcement was met with “stunned silence”.

But Mr Johnson was not finished he had another exciting, world changing use for the lettuce.

“Once we disperse today and return to our solitary corners of the globe I will breed a super iceberg lettuce. A lettuce so large once it is set sail on the North Sea it will singlehandedly deal with climate change.”

If you ever wondered what legacy Mr Johnson will leave behind when he ceases to govern Great Britain you now have your answer.

WAS MARX WOKE : Shocking rumours are swirling around Buckingham Palace today that Prince Harry and his wife are planning to swap a portrait of his Gran for one of Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov alias Lenin.

Inside sources at Buck House believe that Harry and Meghan are impressed with Cambridge students removing the Queen’s picture from the common room and replacing it with that one of the Tennis Girl scratching her knickerless backside (see picture page 3).

It has been suspected that Harry has had communist sympathies for some years, ever since he attended a party as a student dressed as Marx. Moreover Meghan is known to support the Marxist organisation, Black Lives Matter, and Harry was captured by our photographer kneeling in front of his TV at the start of England’s match against Romania last Sunday.

The Palace press office has denied the rumours but said off the record that they weren’t surprised. Prince Charles is said to be appalled. Her regal graciousness, Princess Duchess Cambridge Kate, wearing a simple Primark summer frock and displaying her usual elegance, agreed. ‘It is really appalling, but what do you expect from that bi(see pictures of lovely Kate pages 6 to 9).

Harry and Meghan’s press assistant was asked about the story. ‘Harry and Meghan wish to put the record straight. First, Harry went to the party as Harpo Marx, not Karl. Secondly, he wasn’t taking the knee, he was looking for the remote. Otherwise, yeah, that’s about right.’

CRYSTAL BALLS : The United Kingdom waits with baited breath today to see which of Boris Johnson’s minister will go on a fishing expedition about the sausage war and NI.

“The PM is just trying to decide which lackey of state he will send out to wind everyone up by saying he deserves the Nobel Peace Prize for his tireless efforts to keep the peace in Northern Ireland,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s very fragile you know. Did you know that? Not many people know that. And no one at all predicted Brexit could destabilise a fragile twenty year peace that followed centuries of conflict. It’s come completely out of the blue. It’s the EU’s fault. Obvs.”

The need to distract from the slow moving avalanche of Brexit karma grows deeper daily as one by one the pieces of the Brexit puzzle spontaneously combust and then explode.

“Mr Johnson is losing sleep day and night worrying over the colour of his wallpaper,” the source added. “OH AND THE IRISH. If only they’d just accept the need to leave the EU and be ruled from Westminster again all of this trouble can be avoided.”

While the lackey of state will certainly cause momentary distraction it is hoped until that moment the confected furore over a picture of the Queen can keep everyone distracted.

“As long as no one mentions that the word of the U.K. government is now at junk bond status I think Mr Johnson can rest easy. He can spend his time where discussing where to put his peace prize with Carrie. And most importantly, will it match the sofa?”

ANTI-WOKE WATCH : Downing Street is reportedly so concerned about the spread of “wokeness” through the UK’s public institutions that they have moved to protect the army from any incursions of wrong thought.

Clearly you can’t protect minds from ideological impurities with giant warships using borrowed planes or tanks stuck in the go slow lane, you have to use more subtle techniques.

“Hence the instruction to train soldiers to march without bending their knees,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s genius. Alexander Boris de pfeffel Something hit on it yesterday afternoon in the arts and crafts session that followed the standard long lunch.”

The retraining will begin immediately with all enlisted soldiers to be marched up and down squares at their barracks until they’re finally drilled.

“We’ve drafted in some Russian military attaches to help. They’ve been very enthusiastic. Most of them were here anyway on sightseeing tours of England’s famous cathedral towns. But we’ve plenty of archive footage to assist in the training too.”

Once the retraining is complete there will be mass public displays of the stiff legged march. The bunting will be hung and patriotic citizens encouraged to hold tea parties, regardless of the R rate at the time.

“We’ll have to train specially chosen members of the public to conga without bending their knees too. Maybe also a special salute that recognises all the lessons we’ve forgotten from WW2. It’s going to be very dramatic.”

The code name for the new directive is also evocative of times gone by.

“Operation Goosestep. It’s what the people voted for after all back in 2016. The Prime Minister is just fulfilling the will of the people by rebirthing the nation.”

SAVE YOURSELVES : Dramatic scenes across the country today after an impromptu address to the nation by part time Prime Minister, and full time refurbisher, Boris Johnson.

The scenes of chaos occurred instantaneously even before he had finished giving his speech, which it is rumoured was only scripted by “excessive quantities of champagne and presumably some claret”.

Our correspondent was on the scene as the M4 filled with frantic motorists attempting to escape to whatever valley or hill they could.

“It’s mania as cars and vans hastily packed with possessions and families jam onto the M4, M3 and M25,” they reported. “I saw one vehicle in which the dog was strapped to the bonnet and a birdcage tied to the roof with someone’s grandmother. The hard shoulder is already a race track and police appear to have joined the tidal wave rather than attempt to contain it.”

It’s believed Nicola Sturgeon and Mark Drakeford have convened an emergency summit with the leader of the newly created Republic of Kernow and are expected to agree to close all borders to England so they “don’t screw up all our efforts like every other time.”

People who have not yet watched the PM’s speech are warned not to. Don’t even catch up with outtakes on social media.

It’s thought the major trigger for the debacle was Mr Johnson’s decision to focus on the rising viral case load. It is already over the daily total which failed to trigger the “circuit breaker” last September. Only vaccines can save us now.

The exact phrase that caused the mass movement of people was Mr Johnson saying he was going to save the summer “like he saved Christmas.”