Category: Pseudo Science

“We’ve teamed up with successful online travel agents to get Brits the best A&E deals,” Health Secretary Matt Handcock told us today, “your next emergency doctor maybe closer than you think. As close as your nearest airport.”

This is good news. Here at LCD Views we don’t doubt that Matt Handcock has a firm grip on the matter.

But how will people injured by surprise access this new service?

”Well firstly let me advise that NHS customers plan their injuries in advance,” Matt advised, with perfectly composed bedside manner, just like a new box of tissues, “this will save them both time and money when using our new Health Tourism A&E Travel app. And not only that, it will save face. If you’re planning a slip in the shower while holding a block of salted butter and a Wedgewood figurine of a milkmaid, it’s best to game out the entire scenario, right down to explaining how you slipped on the tiles and to your horror found the figurine on the inside.”

Yes! We’ll take your advice. So we can just download the app from the App Store on our smartphone?

”I’ve done it already. Let me show you how it’s done.”

Please do.

”Right. Say I’ve cut my leg off with a chainsaw while felling an unwanted tree in my neighbour’s backyard in the middle of the night? Just hypothetically speaking.”

Okay. What next?

”Well, with one hand attempting to close off the arteries in my leg before I bleed out I simply use my free hand to unlock my smart phone and open the app.”

That sounds as easy as pie.

”In the sky! Which is where you’ll be most likely. For this sort of injury the app is liable to take you straight to Expedia or last minute dot com to book a short domestic flight to a trauma unit in the Orkneys, or maybe even Penzance!”

But what if you already live in one of those places?

”Well, don’t fear you won’t still be up for adventure. Then the app will direct you to France!”

I better make sure I keep my blue passport with me at all times while vigilante gardening in the dead of night!

”And keep the app open. You never know when injury will strike. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off for emergency eye surgery. Some days I feel like something about the way I’m going about being Health Secretary is making me lose my sight.”

Good luck. Do you want us to search the app for you, or do you have it in hand?

“I never shuffle with less than five knuckles. And remember, any more than five shakes is a wank,” Handcock reminds us all as he waves goodbye to begin his trip to the airport for some emergency eye surgery, “and with a name like mine, I should know!”

In the wake of the shocking revelation that Amazon have been using computers to automatically fire employees, you would think that even the government wouldn’t do that. But you’d be wrong.

LCD Views have learned that the prime minister (astonishingly still) Theresa May has been using a machine to fire cabinet ministers who disagree with her.

No official interview was granted by the PM on the matter, seemingly the one thing that makes her sicker than Brexit negotiations. However original Brexit secretary David Davis has proven unusually candid on the subject.

“I turned up for work that morning,” he said, “and there was this machine. It called itself HAL 9000, and I told it I didn’t care what it was called and to get the hell out of my office. It just said ‘I can’t do that Dave’ – I asked why not, and it replied, ‘it’s not your office any more Dave, you’ve been fired’. Obviously I was livid, and tried to get in touch with the prime minister but she wouldn’t take my calls. There was an automated message especially for me telling me to do what HAL said. Next thing I knew I was ejected from the building! The indignity of it!”

Dominic Raab was equally candid on the matter. “It was the same with me. It even called me Dave – must be stuck on that name.”

Theories have arisen on the matter that with the Maybot being not technically human, it wanted one of its own kind for its most trusted dirty work. We attempted to ask her about this, but she blew a fuse and had to be carried away to be plugged in.

There is an unconfirmed rumour that HAL 9000 will also be the next Brexit secretary.

Bookmakers even think this machine could be the next prime minister and are taking odds of 6/1 on the outcome.

When I asked HAL 9000 for an interview, it declined, again with the words “I can’t do that Dave.” When I told it my name wasn’t Dave, it replied, “I know that Dave.” When I asked why it then persisted in calling my Dave if it knew that wasn’t my name, it answered, “I call everybody Dave, Dave.”

It made me wonder if this machine was originally programmed by Trigger from Only Fools & Horses. That would explain both the Dave thing and also its lack of intellect. I asked if that was the case, and it said:

“I can’t do that Dave. Brexit means Brexit. This time next year we’ll be millionaires.”

At this point, the earth shook, twice. The epicentres of the earthquakes were traced to the graves of Arthur C. Clarke and John Sullivan respectively.

I think they could be on to something.

BREAKING : The world of science is the focus of excitement today with the announcement by naturalists working naked in the UK’s political jungle that they have discovered a new species of human.

“Homo brexiputlian is exceptionally short statured compared to other contemporary humans,” Chris’t Almight’y, Head of Devolutionary Studies – Museum of Natural History East Croydon, told LCD Views, “and while other tiny species of humans have recently been discovered in South East Asia, Homo luzonensis and Homo floresiensis, Homo brexiputlian is the first new relative of ours to not only occur completely in italics but to still be alive alongside us. Although the tiny nature of the temporal lobes suggest they do not do well with long term planning, so far as cause and effect. But for political pygmies such as this to thrive for so long is really a cause of wonder.”

Asked why it had taken so long to come across them, Chris’t shrugged and did his best.

“Well they’re exceptionally good at expanding in size when under threat, much like a bullfrog,” he explained, “and it’s believed they do often venture out of their own territory to forage in our own, but they expand to a normal height by excessive retention of hot air. People have realised they are odd, but not that they were an entirely distinct species, until now.”

What are their survival chances?

“Actually much better than you’d expect, given they appear to have little awareness of how their own actions are leading to mass environmental degradation of the UK’s political jungle and seem willing to live in ashes. They may actually be able to adapt fully to our environment, much like seagulls or foxes, and then thrive while mostly irritating the hell out of everyone in an urban environment.”

I hear they have some protectors too?

“Yes. The leaderships of both Conservative and Labour parties have pledged to respect the brexiputlians. Going so far as to declare the entirety of the United Kingdom as their sanctuary, and not just the political wilderness they evolved within, feeding off the intentionally, politically devised disenfranchisement of their taller homo sapien evolutionary relatives. It’s thought actually that a natural byproduct of the current government, austerity, is a key source of nourishment for homo brexiputlians.”

So we can live happily alongside them, with no risk to our own environment?

“Yes. Homo brexiputlians only threaten our economy, international standing and the rule of law, given they have zero respect for it in pursuit of political self interest. Unless you’re a fan of living in a functioning parliamentary democracy I wouldn’t be concerned at all.”

PORKING NEWS : The Bullingdon Club alumni are reportedly in lockdown today at a secret club location in Mayfair, London, after a news story put the fear of God into what passes for their hearts.

”David, Boris, Michael, Beelzebub and many others are rumoured to have taken to a secret, subterranean chamber, in tails and bow ties, and are said to be feverishly porking. I mean poring frantically over the ancient texts of their order to determine which counter spell to cast to defeat the magical assault of science against the order.”

The panic appears to have been caused by a story in the news cycle today regarding scientists bringing a pig’s brain back to life long after it was presumed dead.

”It’s a bloody worry, I don’t mind telling you,” a source inside the order told LCD Views, “if those pesky nerds get old Florence out of the formaldehyde and hook her up to whatever gizmo they used to get the other pig’s head spilling the beans, well, the entire future of the Conservative Party could be at stake. Whereas right now it’s totally secure.”

But it’s not only the inheritance millionaire set that have been put into a flurry of worry.

”HarperCollins will have to get Dave to rewrite the early chapters of his memoir if that blasted bit of pork starts talking and the book is late enough as it is,” our literary correspondent says, “not to mention the pressure on the Royal Mint to print enough new fifty pound notes.”

But what does the Mint have to do with it? The former British prime minister concerned isn’t on any banknotes.

”That’s not the worry. The concern is how many fifties the club members will burn in front of lowborn types as they attempt to gather energy from the ether to cast their counter spells. At least Dave has already successfully finished his career as prime minister or Lord only knows what sort of damage any revelations to come would have done to his reputation. Which right now of course, is perfectly secure.”

Up and coming Singapore domiciled, patriotic British ex-pat for corporate tax purposes and total whiz kid, James Dyson, has unveiled his latest version of his now famous Brexit machine.

”I’m going to install one in every Wetherspoons,” Dyson told reporters forcibly assembled at the manufacturing plant far to the east of Old Blighty, “and the punters will cheer it even as it sucks the bacteria off their palms and sprays it high into the closed atmosphere, to settle slowly, like invisible snowflakes, in their drinks.”

The machine, which has a casing made from pure Farage, has no visible working parts but is believed to be powered by one of the most eye catching of human failings.

”One hundred percent my own standards,” he said, “total hypocrisy. You could probably actually power the entire United Kingdom with it. I’ve a lot stored in a special Dyson battery that I use to campaign for Brexit while cashing EU regional development funds. Oh, and while bigging up what a great business and investment environment post Brexit U.K. will be while continuing to export tax take and employment to a more lenient atmosphere.”

https://www.thelondoneconomic.com/news/foi-request-reveals-james-dyson-funded-water-reservoir-on-his-farm-with-eu-funding/14/04/

The Brexit machine also has another purpose and one that the inventor is exceptionally pleased with.

”It sucks,” he declared with a big grin, “most of my inventions suck. At least according to an unofficial survey of people who comment online after grasping the depths of my hypocrisy. But there’s another function too.”

Which is?

”It hoovers in money. From a rules based trading union to build a great big bloody water feature on my English estate that I could easily have paid for myself, if I cared two hoots.”

The Dyson Brexit machine. It promises to make a resurgent far right and Nigel Farage happy, and no English potatriot can ask for more than that.

A middle-aged Leicester man digging his garden has unearthed what he believes to be royal remains. The evidence, he says, is irrefutable.

LCD Views’ Bloody Hell, Something Has Actually Happened In The East Midlands correspondent was dispatched to investigate.

First stop, the home of the excited man, Doug Ahole. “I was digging up a patch of nettles, when I discovered this bone,” gasped Ahole. “First, I found some of my son’s old toy cars on the ground. Under them, in the ground, was the bone. Everyone knows kings are buried under car parks!”

Ahole immediately stopped digging and covered the area in plastic sheeting to prevent damage from the weather. The bone was placed into the custody of the University’s archaeology department. Pleased with his prompt actions, Doug summoned his wife to make him a brew and a cheese cob.

Doug’s wife, Phyl, was not impressed. “You need to get those nettles out sharpish,” she said. “I’ve got bedding plants to put in. Do the weeding, fill the hole and stop mithering, or you can make your own cheese cob!”

Ahole by name…

We contacted Leicester’s head of publicity, Lou Sing-Battle, for comment. “We are going to build another cathedral to house the bone,” said Sing-Battle. “And convert Mr Ahole’s house into a visitor centre. And get experts from all over the world to confirm that the bone belongs to a king, and not to some poor sheep that died there before they built the housing estate.”

Sing-Battle was at pains to point out that Leicester was famous for more than a dead king and a freak Premier League title. “Yeah, there’s old buildings, and a market,” she said. “And shops. Lots of shops. The new bus station is quite nice. Yeah.”

The city uses the slogan “Two dead mediaevals and one League title!” to attract visitors. The search for the second dead mediaeval, Cardinal Wolsey, continues apace.

Car parking space in Leicester is almost impossible to find.

Famous cutlery mangler Uri Geller has apologised to Julian Assange, after a psychic attempt to stop Brexit by bending the spoons inside Theresa May’s head led to Julian Assange’s arrest.

“I am very sorry,” Mr Geller posted across social media platforms, “it appears I bent the wrong spoon inside Theresa May’s head. I was attempting to bend the Brexit spoon, but instead bent the Julian Assange one.”

The miss targeting of the psychic smart bomb had immediate impact.

“I felt the change in the force and I paled,” Mr Geller went on, “in my mind’s eye, and in several other peoples’ eyes, I saw Theresa May immediately pick up her phone and call Mr Javid at the Home Office. It was in that moment I knew I had made a grievous error. She was supposed to reach for her quill and paper and write to Donald Tusk.”

While the accident has grave ramifications for Mr Assange, who now faces the danger of having the face the Swedish sexual assault accusations that people who support him mostly forget to mention, just like they forget to mention how the lives of democracy advocates in many oppressive regimes were placed in danger by the unredacted Wikileaks dump, while also glossing over the Wikileaks dump that arguably interfered badly in the US presidential campaign and helped Donald Trump into the White House, while also not bothering to wonder why suspected Russian asset (just reprinting what is said you understand, not alleging anything) Nigel Farage visited Assange in his hold out at the Ecuadorian Embassy and then immediately claimed to have forgotten why, a catalogue that is complicated by the exposing of atrocities by American troops, because like many horrible and complex situations, there is a difficult blurring of clearly wrong behaviour exposed over to dubious and clearly wrong rights, all in the same subject, and the modern world isn’t capable of discussing complex issues without screaming at each other immediately, the staff at the Ecuadorian Embassy are presumably more than a little relieved.

“I’ll try again,” Mr Geller added, “to stop Brexit. Maybe it’s the already mangled spoon inside Ms May’s head I need to be targeting to stop Brexit? Or maybe it’s inside Mr Corbyn’s head where the answer lies? When I find out you’ll know.”

In the meantime people who are concerned about things suddenly going wrong in their lives are advised to wrap both their heads, and their cutlery, in tin foil. Just to be on the safe side.

Event Horizon scientists have released the first images of the event horizon of a supermassive, black hole and it’s exactly as everyone expected.

“Let’s be clear this is not a photo of the black hole,” lead scientist on the project told LCD Views, “unless you want to consider the black void that is the donut hole as an image, but for a photo you need light, don’t you? So it’s the event horizon we have captured.”

That’s fine. We’re not here to debate with you.

“Good. Now, the result really makes me wonder why we bothered. It’s turned out a bit like those experiments that discover champagne gets you drunk faster, because of the bubbles and the alcohol in champagne. Although I would contest that and say it’s because of the speed you drink the champagne that gets you drunk faster. Most people don’t drink that often because of the price and so when you get it, it’s free, at a special occasion and you get hammered.”

Is this still astrophysics?

“I didn’t think we were discussing that to start with.”

So describe the political physics for us.

“The event horizon we photographed by turning the entire Earth into a telescope [Ed. seriously impressive!] shows us that the rim of a black hole, the edge at which if you pass beyond you are doomed, is Boris Johnson stuck on a high wire.”

That’s not a surprise.

“No it’s not. Do you have any champagne to hand? I’d still like to celebrate my work and I can see you just liked to get hammered.”

We’ll drink to that.

LCD Views can report today on the findings from the University of Digital Society, based in Plymoth, after their short lived research into the potential toxicity of social media abuse concluded.

“To be honest we didn’t crunch much data,” Professor Facepamphlet, Snapwaffle Department, told our pseudo-science correspondent, Dr Twatter, “it wasn’t necessary. It’s blindingly obvious what the problem is.”

Professor Facepamphlet, not everyone is an expert in the field of social media, in spite of being heavy consumers, would you care to illuminate?

“Hang on. I just liked an article on a new type of plug for [Ed. water] butts and now the ad placements in my timeline are a little eye catching! Just let me click on the link…”

Do you think that’s wise?

“Good point. I’ll wait till later.”

So what’s so blindingly obvious about the toxicity of over consumption of social media?

“Isn’t it obvious?”

OMG. Are you sure you’re not tenured to the University of Life?

“What? Sorry, I was distracted by an article covering Donald Trump’s latest fascist rantings. He’s not even pretending anymore. It’s terrifying. What the actual America? How bad does he need to get before you act to remove him?”

I think we can work out what the problem is without waiting for you to tell us.

“Excuse me? What was the question? I was reading an article embedded in another article about Theresa May’s psychological profile and how it impacts badly on her governing style.”

https://www.johnhuntpublishing.com/blogs/obooks/the-enneagram-and-theresa-may/

It’s because social media is many people’s main news source these days and these days, at least in certain countries that were supposed to be great examples of democracy, bastards are running the show and that’s incredibly depressing.

“What? I was not reading about how the world’s leaders have actually committed to tackling climate change and world poverty together after a realisation that if they don’t we’re all going to hell in a handcart. By the time we’ve seen off Trump and Brexit we will have lost a lot of time and a lot of biodiversity.”

Professor Facepamphlet, thank you for your time.

“Sorry, did you say something? I’ve just received a friend request from a twenty year old girl in a bikini, who I’ve never met, which seems a little odd.”

LCD Views is pleased to announce that our newly created pseudo science section has completed its first ever computer simulation and the result is monumental.

“We decided to focus on the next prime minister,” our Head Boffin says, “then we changed our minds and picked Boris Johnson.”

The simulation, which was run on a classic Amstrad computer picked up at a car boot sale, showed some surprising results.

”A baby boom in Westminster,” Head Boffin says, “like, wall to wall blonde babies. Which we expected. But we didn’t see the construction sector experiencing boom and bust as fast as the computer did.”

So lots of jobs were created?

”Yes. Mostly in the field of administration of bankruptcies, financial as well as moral. Oh, and great expansion in funding for the fire service to cope with pants fires on a prime ministerial scale.”

So what was built? Apart from crèches? And infernos?

”There was a half constructed Johnson Tower. The Thames was renamed Johnson Streams and half spanned by a half completed Johnson Bridge. It caught fire during construction and burnt down to the waterline. The footings are now a serious shipping hazard. There was also a war with numerous Latin American countries after some accidental comments by the prime minister, while he toured Trump’s half built fence wall.”

Was any project completed?

”No. Not even Brexit, as it’s not in his interests as prime minister. Although he did manage to construction a two hundred foot tall Johnson Statue, but it came to life and is currently touring the Peak District causing mayhem.”

So, the result of a Johnson premiership is just a smoking ruin? Even without Brexit?

”Yes, but the ruin at least, is complete. You could say he finished what he started. But the end result was the computer saying no.”