Category: Pseudo Science

LAST DITCH : Prominent British performance artist and bar fly par excellence David Davis is to undergo a course of hypnotherapy.

The unusual treatment is being pursued in the hope of a cure for his long running obsessional delusion with the German automotive sector.

“We’re paying for it ourselves,” Herr BMW told LCD Views, “out of the profits of the first quarter of this year’s car sales in our home territory. I stress no British profits are being spent attempting to cure the failed Brexit Secretary. We understand British people are very sensitive about how Europeans spend their money, even when it’s for a visible gain. We understand you prefer to waste it now prolifically on preparations to ruin your entire economy.”

The treatment itself has a reasonable chance of success, with hypnotherapy long been known to work wonders for addictive disorders and cases of anxiety.

But in spite of the German automakers willingness to bear the cost, in the hope of getting some well earned peace of quiet from Mr Davis, our expert is not convinced.

“For hypnotherapy to succeed the patient has to want it to succeed,” Professor Lookin Myis ruminated, “there’s no sign that Mr Davis paid any attention to historical lessons, such as the multi-billion dollar hit the German automakers took to assist in sanctions against Russia some years ago. I don’t see any sign he wants to be cured of his delusions that Brexit will succeed merely because of the unwillingness of varied EU business sectors to suffer a short term decrease in profits while they reorientate sales to other territories.”

The professor may have a point, there’s no sign yet that David Davis, or any of the other Brexit delusion artists, are looking for a cure for their cerebral disease.

3D PRINTING IS THE FUTURE OF BRITISH FOOD : Great news today with the announcement that nerds have finally done something useful.

“Using the latest whiz bang technology of 3D printing government spokesman Andrew Neil is finally going to get his interview with Boris Johnson,” a representative of the Jetson Institute for Futurism told LCD Views, “not many know this, but during last year’s general election campaign Boris Johnson famously ducked an interview with Andrew Neil, although no one has yet worked out why. But that miss burned with the red faced stalwart of BBC political chat shows. Now with our help Mr Neil is going to get his way.”

And get his way he will in a studio that will also be specially printed for the day.

“Not just the studio and the interviewee. The questions are also going to be printed as giant Lego like blocks and assembled by a coterie of blonde women so Mr Johnson pays attention and doesn’t hide. There are minor health and safety concerns with this choice, but we feel the spectacle of the prime minister chasing the questions around the plastic studio will be fantastic. You can be sure he won’t be hiding, but he maybe ducking and diving!”

And once the interview is in the can it will be broadcast to an eager nation on a specially printed, plastic antenna so plastic patriots can watch it on plastic printed, British 3D TV’s!

“This interview will spell the end of the need for complex, cross border trade networks. If you can magically print a hard hitting interview with a famous recluse, what can’t you print?”

Except for food, basic decency, accountability, pharmaceuticals, aviation, The Intelligence Report into Russian Interference, the Arcuri Inquiry, clothing, genome sequences of avian flu varieties, a passport that is more than a name tag and a few other things. Like sovereignty and border control.

“And even better, the 3D printed Johnson can have all its rough edges sanded off and stored for future use.”

For example?

“The next time half the country is flooded, but Bojo fancies a week off, the plastic Johnson can float down all the streams.”

Take that Europe! We’re not embracing 3D printing because the people driving Brexit are too blithe and stupid and lazy to bother negotiating a trade deal with our biggest market, we’re doing it because plastic is fantastic! And patriots love plastic. We definitely not doing it in the service of the disaster capitalism project such headlines are intended to conceal.

We’ve all had enough of experts, but here’s one we should listen to. A breakthrough in mental medicine means there is now a sure-fire way to detect a psychopath.

“The diagnostic test is remarkably simple,” revealed brain scientist Prof Mick Stupp. “We have performed extensive and wide-ranging tests. Every subject displaying the classic signs of psychopathy will, without fail, wear a bobble hat without the bobble.”

Sounds implausible, but how does this tendency take root?

“It begins in childhood,” explained Prof Stupp. “Children form strong, even passionate attachments to items they connect to specific times, places and emotions. Remember being a kid, going out in the snow with your brand-new bobble hat on, then you lose that bobble? It cuts deep, and leaves a permanent scar.”

That makes perfect sense now. So a child will take its revenge upon the cruel world, which parted the bobble from the hat so traumatically?

“Exactly,” confirmed Prof Stupp. “It is a wound that never heals, instead it festers and feeds the child’s inner torment, which then manifests itself in full-blown psychopathy.”

What happens to the bobble?

“The bobble is locked away in a glass cabinet in the basement, with all the other bobbles, as evidence of the cruelty of the world, and justification for any acts which may follow.”

Prof Stupp disclosed that there is a Bobble Scale for psychopathic traits. One stored bobble means that there is hope for a return to normality. Two means that they can function normally but don’t get too close to them, and so on.

Most of the current Cabinet rate at least five bobbles. “Priti Patel buys bobble hats just so she can tear the bobble off,” said Prof Stupp. “Sajid Javid stepped down because he refused to follow suit. Jacob Rees-Mogg was always denied the pleasure of even owning a bobble hat, so that made him the man he is today.”

So next time you are at the cheese counter at Tesco’s, and encounter a shifty individual with a woolly hat lacking its bobble, let them go first. Or you might end up knocked out with a block of Black Bomber extra mature cheddar.

Did the earth move for you, darling? Well it should have done. It’s not for lack of effort.

Britain became Great by splitting things up. The British Empire, the European Union, the atom, Charles and Di. But now true blue Brits believe Britain isn’t given the credit due for a literally earth-shattering split.

A recent survey by Britain’s most patriotic newspaper, the Daily Jingo, revealed that 52% of Brits think that Britain isn’t given enough credit for breaking up the supercontinent Pangaea.

“People have short memories,” remarked ancient historian Dinah Saw. “It was only 175 million years ago, for crying out loud. If you can remember two world wars that happened before you were born, there’s no excuse for forgetting about Pangaea!”

Fair point well made.

Saw also traces the origin of British exceptionalism to this split. “The British Isles grabbed the best bits of the continents we now know as Europe, Africa and North America,” she explained. “Then they kicked the other continents away, and decided that their future lay in geographical isolation. The shrinking gene pool led to the rise of inbreeding, and the chinless wonders we see today!”

That wasn’t the end of the matter, though.

“We never really got away from Europe,” complained Saw. “Remoaners aren’t a new phenomenon. They even managed to make Britain rejoin the continent once! And what did we get out of it? I’ll tell you what, glaciers and woolly mammoths and sabre toothed tigers, that’s what. We should have stayed on the mid-Atlantic ridge as originally planned!”

Saw’s argument is convincing. Global forces gave rise to Global Britain, and treacherous geographers have assigned the cause to plate tectonics, not gin and tonics.

The furious Daily Jingo is already running a campaign to DEMAND official recognition for Britain’s forgotten triumph.

Credit where credit is due. Britain demands credit. Preferably unlimited and non-repayable.

2019 is on the way out, thank goodness many would say. The sense of imposing doom is so strong that it has affected the space-time continuum. The year 2020, aware of what is likely to happen, is refusing to get out of bed to take its rightful place.

“Send some other year out in my place!” grumbled 2020 from under the duvet. “1820, or even 1320 might be better. Isolation from the known world, poor food, feudalism, health care by guesswork, that’s 1320’s bag. I’m having no part of it. Wake me up in seven centuries!”

Old Father Time sighed heavily. This was not the first occasion on which a renegade year had refused to cooperate. Indeed, in recent times, it had been almost an annual occurrence.

“At least you could get up and watch the fireworks,” said Old Father Time. “And welcome 2019 back into the fold.”

“Oh no, I can’t stand 2019,” moaned 2020.

“None of us can,” replied Old Father Time affably. “But it’s traditional to welcome the old year back, whatever we think about it. Besides, it’s not 2019’s fault that it turned out so unbearably dreadful. 2018, 2017 and 2016 all played their part. ‘Tis the season of goodwill, so get your arse out of bed and have a glass or two of bubbly!”

“Here comes 2019!” shouted everyone else. 2020 crept to the threshold to take a look.

“Where? I can’t see 2019 anywhere,” said 2020, as Old Father Time crept around behind with his biggest boots on.

“Over there! Look!” he said, pointing into the unimaginable void that separates the physical world from the fourth dimension. *Go on, step a little closer…”

“Where? I still can’t see it,” said 2020.

“Down there, between the Star of Bethlehem and the apocalypse. Here, let me help you…” said Old Father Time, kicking 2020 squarely on the arse just in time for January.

Unhappy New Year, everybody!

FARKCHUCKUK : Michael Gove, ever the bastion of truth, has overturned a long held misconception today about bears. Speaking to a reporter outside a toilet block on Whackfukery Common, the Count of the Duchy of Plethora made the astonishing assertion.

“Ursos arctos, commonly referred to as the Brown Bear, simply can not shit in the woods. Even sparsely wooded land causes some degree of constipation. Bears prefer to use specially built toilet blocks, on open grassland, and with a plentiful supply of four ply toilet paper. If we just wait here, by this toilet block, sometime before it’s turned into an affordable inner-city rental for the graduate market, a bear will walk in and use it.”

Mr Gove went on to explain that the species of bear with the most efficient bowel movements is of course “Ursus maritimis, commonly referred to as the Polar Bear. The reason for this is self evident.”

And it wasn’t just the misunderstanding over the toilet habits of all species of bear that Mr Gove sought to correct.

“The British people will thank me,” Mr Gove made the unlikely assertion, “and my colleagues at factcheckUK, if we also correct a long disseminated mistruth about the Pope. He is of course a Lutheran. If there are any other misunderstandings the voters would like cleared up, I would encourage them all to type it into google and then to click on the sponsored link that appears near the top of the search. This will take them to a Conservative funded website masquerading as something else, purely in the innocent hope of deceiving the searcher. It’s about protecting our democracy from democracy. The British people have had quite enough of democracy.”

Whether or not that final assertion is fact based will likely be discovered on the 13th December.

But perhaps the British people would like to pause, before casting their ballot, to consider if the grass maybe greener on the other side of the fence to the Conservatives? There’s various meadows there to fancy, and none of them readily fertilised with the complete and utter horseshit being distributed so readily by the Conservative GE campaign.

SYMPATHY FOR THE CONNED IS EASIER SOME DAYS THAN OTHERS : Results of a long running search of the UK to identify the 317 most gullible people were announced last night by lead researcher, Nigel Farage.

The research was conducted personally by Nigel’s limited company, BXP, and funded entirely by the research subjects themselves.

“When I started my study many laughed and said I wouldn’t be able to find my targets,” Mr Farage told assembled lobotomy patients, gathered for a press briefing, “but let me tell you I never doubted I would succeed for a moment. Not after I was able to convince dozens of muppets last year to pay £50 to walk without me on a public footpath. I was determined to build on that return.”

And build Mr Farage did, merely by setting up a limited company masquerading as a legitimate political party. Once the doors of the unelected, unaccountable one man show opened the money just flowed in.

But critics of the research have pointed out that there is no credible reason for Mr Farage to claim 317 is the ceiling for the most gullible people in the UK.

“There’s still a couple of hundred people in the research group that was studied,” a data scientist we just invented commented, “they think Farage won’t find some arbitrary reason to throw them out of his little rowboat of spiv, just like the 317 who paid to stand for election out of their own pockets? I mean, to even stand still after what was done to their colleagues shows a questionable moral position, alongside a depthless gullibility.”

And that wasn’t all the criticism of the study.

A second data scientist invented now too says that in spite of Mr Farage’s claims that the search is concluded, it’s not.

“Anyone paying attention realised the falling out between Johnson and Farage was scripted weeks back, so too the reconciliation and the fleecing of the 317. Now that Boris and Nigel are in bed together they hope to discover there’s millions of gullible idiots in the UK. Enough even to grant them both unaccountable power.”

Which is the way they both like it. It’s up to all of us to deny it to them.

Scientists are proving all kinds of things these days, especially with the EU funding they’re getting. Today it’s the turn of mathematicians to make a breakthrough. By using contemporary and biblical data, they have finally been able to formally identify the “number of the beast”.

The number, they are stating now, is 303,133,936,990,564‬.

Oxford professor of mathematics Matthew Maddox explains:

“People talk about the bible saying money being the root of all evil, which is a slight misquote, it’s actually the love of money that’s the root of all evil. That was our starting point.”

So far so reasonable, albeit no precise clue as to the precise number.

“That was when we turned to more contemporary data,” Professor Maddox explains. “Given that the Brexit vote was done so that the rich could avoid paying tax, then that effectively meant that the number of people who voted for Brexit, 17,410,742, was the root of all evil, so all we had to do was square that number and hey presto, we have the number of the beast. All perfectly simple and logical.”

And as anyone with sufficient curiosity and a few spare seconds can verify, 17,410,742 squared is indeed 303,133,936,990,564.

The simplicity of the calculation almost seems like an anti-climax really. But then Professor Maddox did say it was simple.

The tricky bit will be how to part those billionaires from their ill-gotten gains if Brexit happens. It’s said a fool and his money are soon parted, but a tool and his money is another matter – who’d have thought that turning an f upside down into a t would make such a difference?

Because if it does happen, we’re tucked.

Boris Johnson is standing up for Britain, but it’s all due to a helping hand behind the scenes. Tech assistant Jennifer Acuri is trying to ensure that the Priapic Minister gets the massive election he wants.

“Boris Johnson’s projection was rather weak,” reveals pollster Lee Ding-Question. “Acuri was brought in to firm up his key point, and to ensure he got maximum penetration.”

Electile dysfunction is not a problem normally associated with Bonking Boris, but his latest poll was disappointingly low.

It was at this point that Acuri stepped in. She gave a blow-by-blow account of how she relieved his electile frustrations.

“Tech support covers a multitude of sins,” she confessed to LCD Views’ Using A Work Laptop Like Damien Green correspondent. “But it involves getting to the root of the problem, massaging the figures, and providing a variety of openings to ensure that his poll became rock solid.”

The spunky Acuri clearly did a good job. “I did what Boris paid me to do,” she confirmed. “I’m the cat that got the cream!”

Acuri held more than one job down during her employment by Johnson. “I was used in a variety of positions,” she admitted. “We came together frequently. Boris gave me what I needed to get on with the job. I was able to extract what I needed from him, and now he’s flying high again!”

The election, when it arrives, looks like being a tight one. Who will best probe the depths of the public mood? And will it be a big anticlimax? More people than Boris will need tech support to prevent a massive flop. Blue pill, or blue screen of death?

Acuri has got Johnson’s Johnson where she wants it. Boris is proud and erect, as he prepares to conquer the electorate and boldly go where no man has gone before.

Strangely enough, the press are trying to make out that Acuri and Johnson had a sexual relationship. 

Building bridges! Weak and wobbly Premier Boris Johnson has wheeled out one of his old favourites to solve some of the expected food shortages after a No Deal Brexit. He wants to build a bridge to the moon to ease cheese supplies.

It’s a cheesy peasy solution to a sleazy problem. No supplies of Brie, Gouda or Emmenthal? What the country needs is different supply chains, says Johnson. There’s a great big ball of cheese in the sky, waiting for someone with the vision and belief to exploit it. Who needs the Tower of Babel, when we can have the Bridge of BabyBel?

Britain’s leading civil engineers have been rather uncivil about the idea. “It’s completely mad, unfeasible bollocks,” claimed construction expert Archie Tecture. “It’s a moving target almost a quarter of a million miles away. Boris Johnson is talking out of his arse again.”

In the interests of balance, the BBC gave equal weight on its most recent bulletin to an ignorant Boris bumlicker, who dismissed the Project Fearmonger as an elite remoaner talking the country down again.

So nobody knows what to think or who to believe. Which suits Boris Johnson just fine, of course.

There is an additional problem. Moon scientists have also been pouring cold water on Johnson’s grand plan. “I’m sorry to have to say this,” said leading loony Moonie Clair de Lune. “But the moon is actually made from dusty old rocks, not delicious cheese. This is real life, not an episode of Wallace and Gromit!”

None of this has had the remotest effect upon Boris Johnson. A Bridge over Troubled Westminster promises to solve cheese shortages and provide much-needed employment. Johnson has already requisitioned another £2.1bn from Chancellor Sajid Javid to spaff up the wall on this project.

Rumours circulating suggest that the proposal is already being painted on to the side of a big red bus.