Category: Pseudo Science

SHITSHOW STEAMROLLER : Downing Street have reacted angrily today to claims Prime Minister Boris Johnson had planned to be infected with the killer virus of our times live on television.

While not outright denying the rumour they have nonetheless reacted forcefully after the story was leaked, presumably by Bojo’s one time BFF Dom. Classic.

“Who hasn’t come up with a mad scheme while completely hammered?” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Have you seen the sheer number of traffic cones and policeman’s helmets littering the insides of 10 Downing Street? But to do such a daft and dangerous thing as deliberately inject yourself with a potentially lethal virus? You’d have to be a complete idiot. This is injecting bleach levels of stupid. It wouldn’t be an example of Blitz Spirit. The Prime Minister decided in the end to contract the virus by acting like a complete idiot instead. We got where we were going in the end.”

The method chosen eventually to catch the heavy, heavy cold was to go to a hospital and shake hands with everybody inside. Then wait. Dither. Delay. Use boosterism and false bravado to encourage a relaxed attitude in the credulous. Wait for the fever in the night.

“Admittedly that was incredibly stupid too. But in the PM’s defence he had just had a lobotomy live on TV. You all saw it. It happened when he floated the idea of just letting the virus sweep through the community. Take it on the chin. Back in the innocent days of herd immunity as policy because none of the people making the key decisions in the executive had a shred of common sense. British or otherwise. Only the PM took the lobotomy in the standard way, through the side of his head.”

And a little over a year later 150,000 are dead.

“In the PM’s defence, last year’s lobotomy wasn’t his first. He had an ethical, moral and spiritual one decades ago.”

A TISSUE A TISSUE : 10 Downing Street has responded to mounting criticism today over its muddled thinking regarding pandemic travel by giving up thinking all together.

“It’s pointless to carry on with the facade,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “after all the Prime Minister has already survived the dreaded virus and he’s now fully vaccinated. His dad and his most important backers are similarly safe. It’s really just the great unwashed who are at risk now. And there’s still plenty of them! Clearly if we import a variant, or create one at home, that can outwit the Great British AZ vaccine he’ll have to think again.”

Until that time comes the government has decided we can all just “have at it”. This is natural as an elimination strategy is only for countries who lack the business acumen to take proper advantage of a pandemic.

“You may as well travel now, while you can, before even more countries ban us from entry. And besides, millions of you need to immediately go overseas to cover for Tory MPs and donors checking up on their second homes on the Continent.”

Understandably Downing Street will add a little finesse to the updated advice before communicating it to the public.

“There is some disquiet in the cabinet. Our lax approach to the new rising case load of the Indian variant maybe seen as a way to ensure the current boom industry in dodgy PPE supply. Some are saying we keep the traffic light system that has been so successful at confusing the message, but just update the colours with phrases.”

The idea is to replace Green with “Make a meal of it”. Amber with “Wishful thinking” and Red with “Still go if we can make some money out of it”.

“Or maybe just roll three into one and call the whole thing ‘Wishful Thinking’. It’s served well enough so far. 150,000 dead and look at our polling!”

IRREVERSIBLE AS DEATH : Whatever you do today do it with feeling. If you’re planning on sitting inside a pub enjoying that long awaited pint breathe in the atmosphere, don’t be afraid. If you’re planning on getting in a fight at Luton throw yourself into it mind and body and soul. But not if you’re planning on hugging.

“Clearly hugging must be done with caution. Take it slow. Use the time available. How you manage to hug cautiously will be up to you to solve. This is just in keeping with our mixed messaging. And remember bunnies must be hugged cautiously,” a 10 Downing Street source advises.

“Hug them too tight and the entire petrochemical industry is in danger. But if you’re planning on hugging your gran make sure you don’t have a cold. Do it carefully, but irreversibly. Bring her in close and hope she’s had the second dose. Cross your fingers and pray for the best. It’s the way the PM manages the pandemic. So if it’s good enough for him it’s good enough for all of you. Those of you that are left.”

If you’re finding all of this a little confusing that’s because it is. Muddled thinking right at the top.

“Just follow Mr Johnson’s advice and personal example and you’ll be disputing paternity in a court of law before you know it,” the source confirms. “Use the prophylactic available clearly. But when? Remember that the old saying about shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted is excellent advice. You don’t want any old nag just wandering into your stable while your own is out for a jaunt!”

Perhaps also it maybe good advice to use your famous British common sense.

”Definitely. It’s got us this far hasn’t it? It saw Mr Johnson re-elected with a stinking majority. Thanks to that he can do more than cautiously hug. He’s thrown caution to the wind and is screwing the entire country.”

He’s an expert at throwing caution to the wind. We’re seeing it again today as the variant spreads and the lockdown eases. Look out for yourselves. Definitely be cautious and be careful who you hug. Unless it’s a bunny.

LEAD WEIGHTS PREFERRED : Great news for people who like people this week with British Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s plans to open the country back up. Covid is on the retreat for now, but that doesn’t mean we have to let it go too easily.

From May 17th people in England will be able to hug again, which will probably come as a bit of a surprise to people who live together. They may not have been aware they were supposed to have stopped all that late last year.

The exact way in which you can hug again was described by the PM has “cautiously”, leading to some scratching of heads.

“If you hug from a distance it’s not a hug? Does he mean to seek consent first? That’s standard. Does he mean to do it virtually? That would be pointless. Does he mean to use birth control? Sounds unlikely, given his history. What in Hell does he mean? Maybe no tongues? Hold your breathe while you do it? What exactly does he mean? What? Just WHAT?” one confused punter asked LCD Views.

So we asked the experts. We’ve never stopped liking them. We can never get enough of them.

“I can’t clarify anything the bumbling old walrus says or does,” Professor Fhour Fook-saek replied to our inquiry. “The phrase cautiously hug is inherently self-contradictory. But I can tell you for nothing that if you plan on hugging Boris Johnson the only cautious way to do it is to first sink him into The Mariana Trench. Then use virtual reality. You’ll still need a wash afterwards.”

WHAT’S COOKING IN YOUR SHED : AMATEUR HOUR FOR SCIENTISTS has just got a lot more exciting today after the announcement of a £100bn prize to encourage the natural innovation of Britons.

‘The Dodo’ is a new prize established today by Downing Street which aims to put British ingenuity and smarts back “on the map”.

The first task to be set Global Britons is one of self reflection.

“Just as the British Empire is not dead, so long as we refuse to see the setting sun, so too there is no reason why Brits can’t revive a much loved, but sadly long lost, family pet.”

The pet in question is the The Dodo, a bird still popular in the imagination of all natural born English men and women, long after the last one was eaten by a natural born Englishman.

“Everyone can enter,” a 10 Downing Street source says. “Just pop along to the Dodo contest website and download the application form and a sample of Dodo DNA. Then get into your kitchen and let the alchemy takeover.”

To encourage participation the winner will not only receive a cash prize equivalent to a standard non-tender PPE contract, but they will see their newborn flightless bird become the standard bearer for Brexitannia!

“We thought about reinventing the wheel with Brexit, but in the end we just decided to break it. But by resurrecting the Dodo and shouting about it to the world everyone will know what the United Kingdom now stands for! Even if we don’t!”

Enter today! You’re just one dead bird away from being as wealthy as a Tory Party donor during a plague!

GROUND ZERO : The United Kingdom is advised to sleep easier this evening after irreversible action was taken to protect the Prime Minister.

Shortly after 5am this morning in a subterranean nuclear test facility in Pembrokeshire a small thermonuclear device was detonated with a man strapped to the outside.

The identity of the man has not been made public, but it is understood he was transformed into his component atoms and smashed further. This transformative experience means he will no longer ever be able to talk about what he knows about the prime minister.

“The man will certainly be missed by some, but as his name will now be scrubbed from public record, we are confident that he will soon be forgotten. His dangerous knowledge having gone with him into the afterlife.”

It’s believed the nuclear explosion was necessary because the man was the only keeper of one of the prime minister’s darkest secrets.

“He once heard Boris Johnson tell the truth. Had he ever spoken about the experience it would risk the entire edifice of British politics. The truth is not a commodity valued by the Prime Minister. Should you get an inkling that it is you may begin to expect he should keep to it. This would lead to a rapid failure of a system of governance designed around deception and gaslighting. The man and the nuclear weapon had to have their special moment together.”

BRITISH SUNLIGHT : It has long been known that God is an Englishman, this is so self evident that no further explanation is required, but what of course of the works of God? Such as Brexit? Such as sunlight?

Happily a Boris Johnson initiative has the answer. An until now secret science project (although taxpayer funded from the start) has reported its findings after an exhaustive study of the sun.

“Clearly sunlight is British,” Professor Wantfungle tells LCD Views in an exclusive. “We had that hypothesis, and just like the benefits for trade that naturally flow from Brexit, we set out to prove it.”

And prove it the Professor and his colleagues did.

“We’ve already established British water, British wind, British sprouts, British spirit, just a whole raft of matters have been resolved to be British and superior. But what about sunlight? The answer is easy. It’s also British. We proved this by studying the light spectrum that comprises sunlight.”

In order to do the study the Professor had to go the extra mile both metaphorically and on a plane.

“Obviously there’s not hours of sunlight over Britain to complete the work, so we undertook the study in the Pacific. And the results were very satisfying. The full light spectrum makes up British sunlight. It’s comprised of red, white and blue.”

The next problem the team will work on is how to retake control of British sunlight.

“For far too long foreigners all over the world have taken advantage of our outward looking and generous nature as a nation and used more British sunlight than we do ourselves.”

This is a problem everyone can notice just for themselves by looking outside pretty much any day of the year in the United Kingdom.

“We will take back control of the sun,” the Professor concludes. “And then we will ram the entire UK right into the face of it.”

THE BRAIN OF BRITAIN : Some people choose greatness, some have greatness thrust upon them and some are Dominic Raab.

The Brain of Britain, the man who discovered the Dover-Calais land bridge is at it again. Not content to rest on his laurels he has now informed a grateful and worried nation exactly when the benefits of Brexit will reveal themselves.

“In 10 years time,” the actual foreign and commonwealth secretary informed the nation. “About the time I anticipate the benefits of my brain transplant to kick in. Although trade, unlike brain transplants, isn’t rocket surgery.”

The 10 year target will be welcome news for businesses up and down the land who are struggling to survive today.

“It’s great to have a road map. It’s the quality of the planning the architects of Brexit put into the project that is so impressive,” a bi-valve seafood wholesaler told LCD Views. “Now when I fire my staff I can reassure them in 10 years time I maybe able to rehire them. That’s if they haven’t retrained in cyber by then. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to follow the advice of the government sponsored ad on a podcast and trade with China.”

But the setting of a ten year target is not without controversy, as fellow Tory Tory Tory Jacob Rees-mogg established expectations at 50 years.

“That’s because there’s a solar eclipse then,” Raab shrugged. “And he’s planning to set outside in the daytime. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to take my medication. Brain transplants don’t look after themselves you know. And if I don’t stay sharp the EU will nick more U.K. business.”

HORRORSCOPING : NO ONE COULD HAVE PREDICTED the pivotal role former jockey Dido Harding would play in the pandemic, no one except for the farseeing board member of Cheltenham race course herself.

Lesser mortals fumbled about early on as the plague began to tear through the land, but Dido looked ahead, eyes on the prize, and got The Cheltenham Festival done. Which, given the way the mutant strain was already ripping the social fabric to shreds on the continent was a feat of magic.

And she only went from strength to strength after that. As fools considered engaging public health officials with years of experience in tracking and tracing infectious diseases to run the UK’s track and trace system, Dido was already furlongs in front of the pack, the trophy in her hands.

You need to be quite the visionary to dispense so many billions of public cash so fast, but Dido was able to allocate every last penny with a steadiness that bordered on clairvoyance.

But she wasn’t done then, the race was still on, and with a nimbleness that brings to mind psychic powers, she landed one of the top jobs protecting the nation’s health.

“You have to have second sight,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Just consider the situation. This is a country heaving with health experts. Virologists. Epidemiologists. And so on. But Dido outfoxed every single one to seize the top public health jobs during the pandemic. It’s like a kind of magic. And look at the results!”

And it’s believed that it’s this reputation for wizardry that Dido is leaning on in her next career move.

“From next week she will be writing a weekly horoscope column for The Daily Mail. She’s clearly got a direct line to the underworld, just look at the state of the U.K., she can phone up the dead and get a forecast of what will happen tomorrow and it will all go into print. Pisces – you will be contacted with terrible news when it’s too late to do anything about it. Taurus – you’ll need to watch yourself in the poorly socially distanced check out line. Aquarius – Take control of your waters before the IV line. It will go like this and help everyone.”

Dido Harding, a career that’s mutated more than a cold virus that is only here because it mutated in the first place. And no one could have predicted that.

TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO TRADE DEAL HAS GONE BEFORE: Captain of the Tradeship Free Enterprise, Liz Truss, is applying for a deal which she promises will be quite literally out of this world. She has requested to join the Federation.

This truly is a piece of blue sky thinking. The government is reaching for the stars, or will do as soon as the dilithium matrix can be recalibrated.

Who needs EU? Truss has set the controls for the heart of the sun, and she will be mooning Barnier and the others from the safety of her personal holosuite.

“We currently buy less than 5% of our food from the Federation,” squealed Truss, wearing a particularly fetching ensemble of rancid pork and mouldy cheese. “That. Is. A. Dis. Grace! I’m your Venus, I’m your fire. We are going to the moon to bring back cheese, yes lad, cheeeeese. Don’t forget the crackers! And Mars bars from Mars, and Milky Ways and Galaxy bars. The real Operation Moonshot!”

What about Uranus?

“It’s a constant production line!” boasted Truss. “And let me tell you, I’ve sampled it, and it’s some seriously good shit!”

We haven’t developed warp technology yet, so why don’t we trade closer to home instead?

“Sorry, the comms just went offline,” said Truss. “I’ll just reroute power to the deflector arrays… There. Shields at 79% and holding. Trade begins on my mark. Engage!”

This all sounds deeply improbable.

“Yes, the trade runs on improbability drive,” agreed Truss, sipping a pan-galactic gargle blaster. “That’s also why the Free Enterprise has 42 decks!”

What happens if the Federation turns us down? After all, their entrance requirements are very stringent.

“Oh, that’s just the Vulcans!” giggled Truss. “They can go about all logical and sour faced, but it’s the Ferengi we are targeting. We will drill down to Quarks, although that’s just splitting hadrons.”

Excellent news. Make it so. To infinity, and beyond!