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BREAKING : All hot air balloons must now be Union Jack colours and launch from 10 Downing Street

BRITISH HOT AIR POWERED : News today of British wind filling the sails of Global Britain after a the latest diktat from 10 Downing Street seeks to harness an unstoppable supply of hot air. Thanks to Brexit.

“We have to fly the tricolour,” a Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “Otherwise how will everyone know where we are? The colours of the Russian and American flags must be seen in the skies over Blighty continually or the investments made to bring about Brexit may have been for nothing.”

Lucky for the blue sky dreamers at the heart of British government those colours are also the colours of the Union Jack, or someone may think something has gone awry.

“If it has we will not investigate. There is no need to panic our generous overseas benefactors.”

The diktat itself concerns hot air balloons.

“From midday tomorrow all hot air balloons in the skies over our green and pleasant land must be red, white and blue!” the source confirms. “This will ensure as British eyes raise upward to British skies they see their patriotism flying high any time of the day or night.”

Best of all the patriotism will be 100% hot air.

“This will cement our credentials as a greenhouse superpower ahead of the Climate Change Conference later this year,” the source adds. “And no one will be in any doubt that it’s the British Prime Minister himself supplying the hot air as every balloon will launch from the Rose Garden of 10 Downing Street.”

Fly high patriots! Getting high is about the only thing that will make Brexitannia bearable.

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U.K. Gov launch “Buy British!” campaign in EU27 states to combat falling exports

ALL TRUSSED UP : Downing Street is to go on the offensive after a completely baffling and unexpected fall in British exports. Something must be done.

“No less a trade supremo than Liz Truss is on the case,” a Department of International Trade source reassures LCD Views. “There is no export that she can’t get a handle on. What she does with it afterwards is anyone’s guess. But we know it must be magic. Especially if we’re talking about pork and cheese.”

Liz Truss will target the EU27 first and foremost, after having concluded ramped up, world beating trade deals with the rest of the known world.

“For some completely confusing reason British exports have suffered a serious decline following the New Year. While a completely arbitrary and manmade date should be so consequential is anyone’s guess. But we’re not going to explore that. We’re going to go on a charm offensive to Europe.”

And the offensive will see Liz styled out in Union Jacks and ready to beguile those staid Europeans.

“We are confident that with the right amount of boosterism and fetish level flag waving the EU27 importers will be tumbling over themselves for British products.”

Rest assured Global Britons. Buy British isn’t just the policy to deal with a catastrophic decline in the economy at home, even if we don’t make it anymore. Like good. Thanks to Liz and her boss Boris buy British will see those cashed up Europeans and their pathetic market of half a billion fighting each other for what we make.

If they don’t buy it, who will? That’s a question Liz Truss has the answer to. She just doesn’t know it yet.

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Boris Johnson to make Lord Frost “Lord Lord Frost” after single peerage proves not enough to cow Europeans

SHOUT LOUDER IN ENGLISH TO BE UNDERSTOOD : BORIS JOHNSON’S PERSONAL BRITISH BULLDOG, LORD FROST, is to have his aching, inner feelings of inadequacy further quenched today after his peerage is doubled up.

The decision to double his treat allowance comes after all the gnashing of teeth and growling across the English Channel at the silly EU27 seems only to be achieving the reverse of intentions.

“Lord Lord Frost will carry a weight of unearned privilege the EU27 commissioners can only dream about,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “Double ermine? It’s as powerful as making a king in draughts. Mr Johnson had the brain wave after he found an old chequers board while hammered and spent the rest of the afternoon trying to remember what it was.”

Quite how the Europeans will take the move isn’t certain, as many may try and conceal just how intimidated they feel.

“EU27 are famous for being deeply impressed by the British system of giving out privilege in exchange for political services. They will be so envious when Lord Lord Frost walks amongst them they’ll likely go green at the gills.”

In keeping with the doubling of the title, Lord Lord Frost’s enumeration will of course also have to be doubled.

“It’s a good thing we’ve saved all that money on nurses pay,” the source adds. “Or we may not have been able to afford to do it.”

A royal is expected to stop by and do the doubling of peerage, because unfortunately it seems these days they’ll sign off on any old rubbish.

Lord Lord Frost is expected to hold a banquet to celebrate during which only British fish will be served, assuming they can find any that is still suitable for human consumption. By his deeds will he be remembered.

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Mad scenes of jubilation as a red, white and blue wind is spotted over Home Counties!

PATRIOTIC HOT AIR : The U.K. is said to be in a “frenzy of self congratulation” today not seen since the conga lines of VE Day 2020 helped out the pandemic.

The cause of the flushed cheek joy is said to be the spotting of a patriotic wind blowing over the Home Counties. Right thinking citizens took a brief respite from the “war on woke” to step into their green and pleasant gardens and look to the heavens.

“This is certain to give Boris Johnson a poll boost not seen since everyone conveniently forgot 130,000+ people have died of that rather nasty cold on his watch. Or was it the flu? I can’t recall,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

The wind, said to be red, white and blue began blowing as the sun rose and is said to be the best “example of hot air” since the last time the PM held a press conference.

Plans by the Conservative Party to bottle the wind are underway so that patriots can purchase it and open it in the comfort of their homes.

“If you’re worried about job security you won’t be anymore once you’ve inhaled the nationalist hot air,” the source added.

Downing Street have responded by ordering all Union Jacks in the U.K. flown at full mast, even the numerous ones held captive inside ministers’ living rooms.

Meteorological experts expect the wind to arrive at 10 Downing Street by lunch time at which point the Prime Minister will “stand in the Rose Garden and open his mouth wide” and the “blue, red and white hot air will come home”.

A Spitfire flypast is planned in the next thirty minutes and the BBC will carry the reassuring and stupefying footage on a continual loop until the time it is required to once again report on the devious machinations of the wily Europeans.

“This is a British wind,” the source adds. “A force of hot air the entire world can’t help but notice and recognise.”

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U-turn by Downing Street after “patriotic update to NHS badge” to go with 1% NHS pay rise

TIN OF EAR AND STONE OF HEART : The NHS is being instructed by Downing Street to claim victory today in its fight to receive an inflation busting pay rise.

Matt Hancock is to address the National Health Service over hospital tannoy systems later today and announce a new and patriotic “NHS medal” for health and social care workers. “Essentially it’s the old NHS badge updated. It will also replace the CARE badge, mostly because we don’t.”

“Recognition is more important than money,” Mr Hancock will also tell the workers, before recounting how he said he would never support the prorogation of Parliament to serve Brexit (before doing just that). “Clearly when it comes to PPE contracts it’s the reverse.”

The badge design is said to have been the work of no less a genius than the prime minister himself and is in the shape of one hand clapping.

“Clearly it’s both exhausting and expensive to clap with both hands. But one hand clapping allows you to not only recognise the sacrifices of NHS staff, but also allows the PM to have a free hand to carry on with what he does best.”

The badges, or medals, will be awarded to staff at flag draped award ceremonies which they will be expected to attend in their holidays.

“It will be compulsory to receive and wear the medal. On receipt you are no longer allowed to talk about pay rises anymore, you will show your gratitude for the government’s traditional recognition of individual sacrifice for the state.”

The medals will be produced in a factory owned by a minister’s mate, who lately has turned from producing replica Big Bens to PPE.

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PM to go on open top bus “Victory tour” of England to celebrate his successes during pandemic

TWO WORLD WARS, ONE WORLD CUP AND ONE CV-NINETEEN : Exciting news today from 10 Downing Street with the announcement that Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to undertake a victory tour of England.

Many quarters of an impressively uncritical press have been calling for an open top bus “Victory tour” for some time. This is standard for any impressive national victory by a great team.

Huge parliamentary support is also there with many MPs looking to take any spare seat up top on the bandwagon and shout “Vaccines! Vaccines! Forget the PPE scandals! Forget your dead NHS staff! Vaccines!”

Revelations yesterday that the PM has produced an entire propaganda film, paid for by the taxpayer, to gloss over the absolutely catastrophic (and avoidable) death toll in the U.K. only heightened anticipation that a victory tour was looming.

Dido Harding will of course have a pride of place, assuming someone can find her on the day.

We went out into the queues for tiny post office kiosks (that snake down most high streets during the plague in once crowded urban areas), thanks to the pre-virus austerity closure of the old boring big and spacious branches, to see what the public think.

“I can’t wait,” I Hope To Be The Last Person Left Alive In My Village told LCD Views. “We’re very patriotic around these parts. Well, we were. But I still am. I’m going to make sure the bunting is up early and on the day the bus comes by I won’t mention the dead at all. I expect to get my second vaccine dose sometime in 2039. It’s great.”

Have your British Exceptionalism polished and ready for the day the victory bus crawls by and be ready to shout “We haven’t done elimination as a strategy because death is too lucrative!”

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Tory Lord Phumble Knut praised for defending Track & Trace cost from “attacks by envious unwashed”

FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES : The Serco Track and Trace system is receiving a lot of flack this week over the paltry £37bn cost it has absorbed for questionable public health outcomes. But it has one defender outside of the cabinet.

Speaking earlier today in the House of Lords Tory Life Peer Lord Phumble Knut of Bileheath praised the efforts of the private team behind the world beating system.

“Austerity was said to be a great redistribution catalyst from the public purse to the deserving wealthy, but Track and Trace has proven to be far more efficient.”

Lord Knut went on to list the tangible successes of the system.

“The pension and social care bill for the Exchequer has been notably reduced over the course of the pandemic, with every contact who was either not contacted in a timely fashion, or not supported to isolate after, undoubtedly spreading the virus further in their communities. Those crowing Antipodeans could learn a thing or two from Mother England.”

And it isn’t just in the catastrophic second wave over the winter where the Lord of Bileheath noticed success.

“Just the sheer number of Georgian manors purchased by holders of the PPE and Track and Trace contracts, those modern day golden tickets to Willy Wonkas famous chocolate factory, just the number of them alone speak to the dramatic success of the system. I wager more inheritance millionaires have been created this year alone than in one year of the sadly vanished Raj.”

Lord Phumble Knut also had a stinging rebuke for people “nitpicking” over the way the money has been spent.

“Base jealousy and envy. But what do you expect from the great unwashed?”

The BBC is said to be making a documentary already on the system titled “Track and Trace – A Very Exceptional British Success”.

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Downing Street says it was “exercising its freedom of speech” when it spent £37bn on Track & Trace

CAN’T CANCEL THIS : DOWNING STREET is under unfair and relentless pressure to explain how it managed to spend £37bn (so far) on a Track and Trace service that appears not to be fit for purpose.

“The best people aren’t cheap,” a 10 Downing Street source explained to LCD Views. “And mediocre people who have no idea how to set up and run the service? They are really, really expensive.”

It seems the questions though aren’t relenting anytime soon, especially in the face of the scale of the lives lost in the UK, and the fact that hundreds are still dying daily even as schools reopen.

“Unpatriotic people without Union Jack flags in their living rooms are trying to cancel us,” the source continues. “Well, they’re trying to cancel some of those bank transfers. But we won’t let them. We’ve made commitments to our friends in businesses unrelated to health care and we intend to stick to them.”

Downing Street has more to call on too. It’s not just it’s principled and generous nature that it can stand on and trample.

“It’s essentially a free speech issue. What does a government do but express itself in the way it cares for its people. And that expression is done with the people’s money. So it follows to try and criticise us, to try and shut us down in our expression with £37bn gone to a barely working Test and Trace, then people are trying to cancel us. We won’t have it. We’ll spend more billions for sod all just to prove it.”

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Nigel Farage offers to conduct £63 funeral services over Zoom

NOT SO DEARLY DEPARTED : BRITAIN’S FAVOURITE PLASTIC PATRIOT, NIGEL FARAGE, has hit upon a new way to use his unspeakable talents.

While some feared his latest retirement from politics with leave him with little to do but shout at the sea, Mr Farage isn’t one for slacking and he’s got a new gig which makes the most out of modern technology, and grief.

“Mr Farage has begun offering to conduct funeral services over Zoom,” a PR spokesperson for the new Farage gig, Dead Inside and Out Funerals 4 U, told LCD Views exclusively.

“He’ll basically say whatever you want for money, just look at his entire career. And now with a tsunami of Brexit consequence about to crash over the UK, and leave only tears and wreckage in its wake, it’s the right time to move into an untapped domain. From there he can deny he had anything to do with Brexit.”

The services will be socially distanced, but the payment will be upfront, as is fitting for the times we live in.

“A one minute funeral service for £63 a pop? What’s not to love. No one likes hanging around video calls longer than necessary anyway.”

But while some have questioned Mr Farage’s credentials, claiming he only causes grievances, he doesn’t help heal them, Dead Inside and Out has a ready comback.

“Mr Farage has helped bury an entire modern, representative democracy. You don’t think he can talk your gran into the ground? Please. The moment you hear him begin his service with the famous catch phrase ‘No. No. Let me speak’, you’ll wish he was burying you too!”

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Boris Johnson to make a new Royal Family out of empty wine boxes

CORKED : As the furore surrounding the Royal Family shows no immediate signs of abating no lesser peacemaker than the Prime Minister himself is said to be stepping in to douse the flames.

Earlier today a 10 Downing Street source spoke from an empty wine bottle littered “situation room” within the bowels of the famous old terrace to reveal how Mr Johnson will solve everyone’s problems with the Royal Family.

“He’s going to make a new royal family, and before anyone cracks any jokes along the lines of what, I thought he was busy making his own football team with as many different mothers as possible, that’s not what he means,” the source confirmed.

It’s believed the PM’s plan is focused on the one thing he truly excels at, which is emptying wine crates.

“He’s going to drink the cellar dry and then he’s going to make a new version of the Windsors fit for the 21st century out of the empty boxes.”

It’s believed he won’t just stop there, he will also ensure that the new royals are readily relatable.

“He will paint little faces on the new royals and then they will be taken on a horse drawn parade up and down Pall Mall. After the pomp and circumstance they will next appear on the balcony of Buckingham Palace.”

But don’t fear, they won’t have wooden personalities.

“By way of a unique rope and pulley system they will wave to adoring crowds just like the old ones have always done. Essentially they will be puppets. Just without any of the dodgy uncles and accusations of racism. I suspect they’ll be just as loved as the ones that are no longer fit for purpose.”

The tea towel and picture plate business is expecting a boom off the back of it. God Save The Wine (and the crates).