LCD Views

GUTTED : A nation of shopkeepers is in mourning today after a famous Uxbridge chip shop was burnt to the ground after being set ablaze by an idiot.

“Something’s Fishy has been serving the local community of Uxbridge for over 40 years,” our correspondent reports. “But all that came to a fiery end yesterday after it was set ablaze by an idiot described as blonde and shambling.”

It’s believed the man fled the scene of disaster on a large red bus “driven by a gap toothed lunatic in a Union Flag patterned suit” who may or may not be a serving cabinet minister. Or maybe soon.

It’s believed the blonde idiot himself talked his way into the shop after dressing as a chippie by saying he was “looking to make himself more approachable” and fancied “getting his fingers fishy”.

It’s believed the experience was actually going quite well for all involved until the blonde idiot noticed the owner of the chip shop’s younger sister was in a “small office area to the rear”. She is said to have been wearing a shirt skirt with a “loose fitting blouse” and her “long blonde hair tied up in a way that reminded the idiot of a party at a mansion in Italy”.

This is when the accident occurred as the blonde man took off his apron and threw it onto the fat fryer, along with “pretty much the entirety of the UK’s trade with continental Europe”.

The blaze was instantaneous. The blonde idiot and his handlers fled the scene immediately, apparently tossing fifty pounds notes over their shoulders while “cackling like hyenas”.

Police advised anyone sighting a man fitting the description of a “blonde idiot” not to approach him and warn he “could be dressed as anything. He is a very elaborate hoaxer. Best to keep well clear and phone the relevant authorities.”

The local MP is said to be considering organising a clap for the shop’s owners if “he can be bothered”.

MENTAL ARITHMETIC : THE TORY DOMINATED COUNCIL OF BASSET-FLUX has announced it has completed work to make its town centre “more patriotic” in order to “help make a success of Brexit and Global Britain”.

The council, in which nineteen of the twenty seats are held by Conservatives, recently voted 19-0 to remove all the “unpatriotic French trees” from its high road. The vote of the twentieth councillor was ruled “void” after they “voted the wrong way like you expect of an antifa communist fascist”.

“We took the action after one of our residents, Figel Narage, known locally as ‘Brexit Dad’, discovered the trees that dominated the sweeping views of our charming medieval high road were in fact French,” Biff Gammen, Council Leader, told LCD Views.

“Imagine that? Traditional English thatched roofs with French trees obscuring the view? Did we send our sons to fight at Agincourt for that? Just that alone most likely explains the collapse of our local industry since January this year. It’s like God is punishing us. We haven’t been able to export a single block of our famous red, white and blue cheddar to Estonia since Christmas. But we expect with the installation of the flag poles that things will now turn around.”

It seems that Figel Narage had the startling revelation, regarding the infiltrating  Arbre de Judée, while on a summer break last year. The purpose of which was to settle a legal dispute with his ex-wife, who now lives in the Provence village of Texas, with her younger lover, Miguel and their French bulldog (called Paris – after the character in the Illiad).

“It’s not as if it wasn’t enough of a struggle for a patriot to holiday during the current cold and flu season, which because of the EU keeps on happening on our shores. Figel was stunned upon his return from Province to realise that the Judas Trees (so popular in Texas, Province, France) dominated Basset-Flux’s high road like right little Napoleons.”

Now of course Figel can look forward to happier days, as can the entire town.

“A friend of the Health Secretary’s offered to cut the trees down and remove them for us. All we had to do was outsource our local GP surgeries to some nice American chaps,” Biff explained. “Then we were able to purchase the poles from some chubby mate of the Housing Secretary. Complete bargain. Job lot. We sold the last Renoir sketch off the wall of our Town Hall to make that happen. We’re now just waiting for the Union Flags to arrive. They’re being stitched up in a factory in Flanders, apparently, run by some former girlfriend of the Prime Minister. It swells the chest with pride.”

Basset-Flux? You won’t find a more patriotic town in all of England.

“It’s going to be wall to wall Union Flags by the time we’re finished,” Biff Gammen adds. “It will all be ready in time for the Festival of Brexit. We’re even replacing the fruit and vegetable section of our supermarket with them.”

VIRTUE FLAGGING: Government offices must fly the Union Jack because some of them have forgotten who they are working for. Not the Russians, but the People’s Reputation of Boris Johnson.

Any offices flying the flag at half mast will be jailed for 10 years under the new peaceful protest regulations.

Accordingly, many government offices now have their own Flag And Patriotism Commander. But up and down the country, these Commanders are realising that their existing flag is either too moth-eaten, too out of date, or simply too small to be patriotic enough. So many new flags have been ordered.

This is causing massive problems. Instead of working together (this is far too socialist to be contemplated under the current regime), each town hall, tax office, and job centre must source its own flag.

Unfortunately the nearest flag manufacturer is in Poland. This adds third country VAT and surcharges to the price, and 76595234896 pages of documentation to complete in triplicate. Also, no reputable EU carrier is willing to deliver a few paltry flags to insignificant outposts of government on Plague Island.

In desperation, many Commanders have turned to smugglers for help. Newly skint expats in Spain order the flags, and receive them a couple of days later. They are shipped to Ireland under the Jolly Roger, then ferried to Holyhead under cover of darkness disguised as portraits of The Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies.

Male voice choirs with herds of sheep then distract the Welsh customs officials, and the contraband flags are stuffed into unmarked black SUVs, which then pelt down the A55 to England and safety.

All totally legal and above board. Remember, this is the UK not Russia, and there is no suggestion that the smugglers each carry a vial of novichok in case they are discovered.

And it will all be paid for from savings generated by cutting essential services.

THE SOUND OF PUPPIES IN A SACK GOING SPLASH : THE UK’S HOME SECRETARY PRITI PATEL is accustomed to receiving criticism while just going about her day to day work of making life worse for people. But today is a new low.

In what should have been a day of victory, after Ms Patel published her new policies for asylum seekers, the Home Secretary has instead found herself on the receiving end of some brutal personal attacks on her character.

“She’s suggested allowing desperate people to actually reach our shores to begin with,” one keen observer noted. “This is a huge disappointment after last year she spent hundreds of millions of taxpayers’ money flying an RAF jet in circles over the English Channel in the hope of intimidating people into going back to France.”

Some of the criticism will surely smart with some even saying she is now “wearing her heart on her sleeve”.

How the Home Secretary will respond isn’t clear. There are low level rumours that she is far too generous with her staff and some fear she may love bomb underlings with expensive, hipster doughnuts and vouchers for things like mini-breaks in out of the way, executive holiday destinations. Anything to receive validation.

Other Patel followers have dismissed the accusations though and claimed the people saying it have not been paying attention.

“You should look closer at any of her press photos,” one instructed. “There’s a screaming circle of hell on her sleeve. Looking into it is like looking into the face of nightmare itself. Her heart has always been worn visibly on her sleeve.”