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Biden appoints cabinet minister solely tasked with phoning 10 Downing Street daily about Johnson’s latest threat to GFA

IT’S GOOD TO TALK : The new President of the United States, Joe Biden, has a lot on his plate. He’s four years of Donald Trump to repair, and also attempt to tackle the reasons why Donald Trump happened in the first place. His life would be somewhat simpler if he didn’t also have to spare a thought for Britain Trump.

To streamline things it is rumoured he is about to appoint a special, and new, member to his cabinet solely tasked with focusing on Boris Johnson and the disaster of his premiership.

“The President has enough domestic issues and ongoing international crises without having to constantly pick up the phone to deal with that overgrown toddler in 10 Downing Street,” a source inside the White House told LCD Views. “So he’s given someone the task of dedicating themselves to it. Otherwise he risks spending almost as much time on the phone to Johnson as Trump did at golf.”

For his part the British Prime Minister is said to be really happy at the decision, because it means he’s actually been noticed.

“This shows the special relationship is as strong as its been since Churchill and whoever was the president of the United States then,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “As close as when George Dubya gave Tony ‘T-Bone’ Blair a bomber jacket and turned his head so completely he agreed to invade Iraq on spurious evidence. We’re really thrilled. Boris is just sat next to his phone waiting for it to call.”

And waiting for the newest Biden appointee to phone will have other benefits.

“The PM is having his head done in by his girlfriend’s attempts to buy Russian flag wallpaper for the 11 Downing Street flat. At least now he can pretend he’s working whenever she tries to drag him into all that.”

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Brexiter MPs slam Remainers for not pointing out strongly enough the dangers of Brexit

IF YOU’D ONLY SAID SOMETHING : A powerful group of Conservative MPs have slammed the now defunct Remain movement for not sufficiently warning about the dangers of Brexit.

The move comes as the harm caused by the United Kingdom’s decision to leave the EU grows daily and it is feared will soon swamp the UK’s system of government.

“If only they’d taken the time to point out why jumping headfirst into an industrial sized woodchipper was a bad idea,” Cumblefookwit Sythe-Pinchmore, MP for Himself, told LCD Views. “Nothing. Zilch. All they did was go for a few weekend walks and wave flags about. I didn’t hear anything about the blindingly obvious consequences of jumping into a pool of hungry sharks holding a steak. Did you?”

What the Remain movement will make of the condemnation isn’t entirely clear, with both main English political parties still justifying Brexit as a concept.

“We should raise a special remainer tax so the people whose responsibility it was to point out that sticking your head into a live wasps nest while singing Elgar was a bad idea can pay for Brexit. I’ll be drafting a private member’s bill to this end, just as soon as I can get my hands on some crayons and butcher’s paper.”

Other Conservative MPs are being more proactive, however, with the ERG once again morphing into a new parliamentary grouping. It will continue to be focused on “research”, which hitherto doesn’t seem to have produced anything but a bit of a grift on the public purse for no intelligence.

“The BRG will be different,” an ERG/BRG spokesman reassured. “The Blame Research Group will be highly motivated to solving the looming difficulty of how to blame other people for the downsides of our political project. Especially how to blame exactly the people who said don’t do it.”

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US and EU to impose economic sanctions on rogue state targeting “economic interests of regime leader”

NORTH SEA NORTH KOREA : BREAKING NEWS today that is certain to invoke outrage and condemnation from the UK’s English nationalist government with the announcement of joint US-EU economic sanctions on the United Kingdom.

The decision to impose sanctions comes after a turbulent year in which the UK’s so called government continued to wage war against international laws and rules, as if failing to notice that their fellow traveller Donald Trump lost (currently on bail awaiting trial).

“Biden has had enough,” a spokesman for the EU said via an interpreter. “He used his most recent round table with the EU27 heads to suggest the sanctions so he can finally have a day that is not interrupted by having to phone 10 Downing Street to remind them of their obligations to the GFA. The EU was happy to go along with it, for exactly the same reasons.”

It’s not clear if the imposition of sanctions usually reserved for the likes of Iran, North Korea and Russia will shift behaviour in 10 Downing Street though.

“Boris Johnson’s regime is like an unloved child on the world stage. One with a retarded development that hasn’t realised if it wants to be accepted by the other kids it’s needs to stop acting horribly, just to get attention, and think about how to get along, so people actually want to spend time with it. We are certain the sanctions will be used for domestic politics. Britain alone against the world and all that, but we’re just fed up.”

There are concerns the sanctions will just hurt ordinary Britons though, who have enough trouble dealing with a Home Secretary busily trying to incarcerate the lot.

“The sanctions will be targeted just to the regime leader and his allies. There maybe some disruption to day to day life from the restriction of exports of hi-vis vests and scientist costumes into the UK, but I’m afraid the people have a responsibility too to stop supporting this corrupt and out of control autocracy.”

More on this as it develops…

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Rishi Sunak announces an extra 350m claps per week for the NHS

APPLAUSE NOT REDEEMABLE AS MONEY : Great news for tired NHS workers in the budget today after Rishi “Dazzles” Sunak lobbed them some much needed additional resources in his budget.

“Handwringing snowflake commies bang on about how nurses and doctors and porters and all the other boring people should be paid more, but inheritance millionaires know from experience that money can only buy you so much happiness,” an Exchequer insider told LCD Views.

“Rishi has looked after all front line, midfield and defensive NHS staff in his budget by way of an additional 350m per week.”

But before anyone starts to worry that Sunak has lost the plot it’s important to understand what currency the additional 350m is.

“It’s applause. He’s purchased a secondhand studio audience recording of people clapping and will personally deliver the tape to a hospital of his choice. They will get to play the tape over their tannoy until a timer registers 350m claps. Then he will turn up, photographers in tow clearly, possibly wearing a hoodie, and take the tape to deliver to the next hospital.”

Clearly the applause will be more than welcome and can be used by the overstretched and exhausted staff to pay their rent and other bills.

“The NHS staff have been risking their lives over the last year and to give them a pay rise now would just be insulting. It would cheapen their sacrifices by associating them with money. But applause? You can bank that in your feelings.”

There is also a cherry on the applause cake.

“From now on all Tory MPs will talk of the NHS staff exclusively in language normally reserved for soldiers in wartime. This way if more of them die as a result of substandard PPE everyone will know it was a sacrifice for a greater cause, not preventable, and no one will suggest a pay rise again.”

So go on, clap too! It’s all the NHS need to make it through, if you ask the government.

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Contactless payment limit raised to £100 so people don’t have to enter PIN to buy a loaf of bread in 2022

SPENDING A PENNY : The UK’s most glamorous Chancellor ever, Dishy Fishy Rishi Sunak has unleashed his latest budget on an unsuspecting country.

“We don’t actually have any money left,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “well, we won’t by the end of the year. But that is no reason not to let Rishi play. He’s so youthful and exuberant you just can’t resist letting him frolic with his professional photographers.”

And while some Chancellors actually know something about economics, Rishi has the advantage of carrying on a legacy of outdated Thatcherite policies, the smarts only an inheritance millionaire has, and some rather special ideas about how to use the nations ports for tax avoidance now that we don’t export anymore. But there’s one bit of the budget that is just for the plebs.

“The decision to raise the contactless spending limit to £100 a go is really world beating,” the source notes. “It is future proofing the consumers of the United Kingdom against the hyper inflation that is coming down the line once the fiscally retarded pandemic mismanagement collides with the rolling impact of Brexit.”

The boosting of the limit will allow shoppers to spend their savings all at once in the supermarket. Or anyone who happened to nick their card. They can too.

“Best of all it readies everyone for 2022. You’ll be able to buy a loaf of bread on contactless and not push wheelbarrows of bank notes about,” the source is jubilant. “And once the cost of bread goes over one hundred quid we’ll just raise the limit again. It’s genius.”

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Boris Johnson founds charity for Boris Johnson

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE : The UK’s big hearted, big dreaming prime minister is famous for his championing of worthy causes. Not a day passes when he isn’t trying to make the world a better place for someone, mostly someone anonymous.

“Now he’s looking closer to home, which is nice for a change,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s identified a truly noble cause and he just can’t help himself.”

The plan, it is rumoured, is to do what he has done so successfully for architects of bridges and submarine tunnels.

“As long as money moves into needy pockets outcomes aren’t important. Classic conservatism. It doesn’t matter if one person undeserving receives help, just so long as you care about them enough to get them the cash when needed.”

And while the planners of giant, unfeasible infrastructure projects have now well and truly taken care of by the prime minister, there is one needy person who is too often neglected.

“The Boris Johnson Charity for Boris Johnson will be world beating. Ramped up charity offering a gold standard service for the focus of the charity.”

Yes, that’s right, Boris Johnson is now turning his caring mind to himself, after a year of agony in which he was pretty much immobilised by indecision in the pandemic.

“His latest fiancé is the driving force behind it,” the source confirms. “Did you see her choice in wallpaper and furnishings? Boris had a permanent nosebleed now and needs money for private specialists to fit him with some extremely dark glasses so he isn’t constantly smashed in the face just moving between rooms. And it’s hoped there maybe a little left over if the public is generous for a holiday somewhere nice.”

The Boris Johnson Charity for Boris Johnson – it’ll help take his mind off the 130,000 dead people on his watch, and if it’s talked about enough it’ll help take your mind off them too.

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Boris Johnson to instigate “Clap for the Country”

LET’S RATTLE THOSE POTS AND PANS! Didn’t we do well? Boris Johnson’s latest brainchild, Clap for the Country, is arousing clap-scepticism across the nation. 

Everyone has a clap-related opinion. On this particular topic, most tend to agree that Johnson really is a bona fide expert for once. 

“Clap for the Country? Well he would know all about that, wouldn’t he?” said vox popper Anne O’Nimity. “As far as I am concerned, he can forget about it. It won’t help anybody, and it will most likely put extra pressure on the NHS!” 

O’Nimity was typical of most respondents. But other views were aired as well. 

“I’m very much the I’m All Right Jack type,” observed a self-satisfied Jack Ingoff. “I sort myself out, take matters in hand, know what I mean? No clap for me.” 

But there was palpable anger as well. 

“I would love to clap,” countered contrarian Dev El-Sadvocate. “Clap him in chains, that is. Lock him up. Throw away the key. Make sure he doesn’t spread any more of this poison!” 

Clap expert Dr Penny Cyllin was on hand to provide balance and levelling up. 

“Johnson seems to have an insatiable appetite,” stated Dr Cyllin. “Clap for this, clap for that, clap for the other. Clap for everyone. The country has got clap fatigue! What’s it supposed to achieve, anyway?”

Pride. A sense of achievement. Smug guilt. A mysterious itch. 

“The whole business is claptrap,” exclaimed Dr Cyllin. “It’s shameless. It’s selfish. It’s self indulgent fakery. It’s all designed to give you a momentary sense of goodwill. Once a week you get to stand up and thrash about like an idiot for a few minutes, and you spend the rest of the week with a feeling of emptiness. A course of antibiotics should clear it up. Here’s your prescription!”

And that’s the country we now live in. Completely clapped out. 

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Boris Johnson recommends Nicolas Sarkozy for a Knighthood

SO COZY : It’s good to have friends in times of need and Nicolas Sarkozy needs friends today after a French court did a completely bizarre thing for a representative democracy and sentenced him to prison for corruption.

“We were shocked,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “What higher service to your country is there than to do whatever it takes to get things done?”

But it seems the current UK government is not about to let a fellow traveller on the low road fall without a cushion.

“Boris is going to recommend Sarkozy for a knighthood. The Queen signs off on any old rubbish these days, bless her, so there shouldn’t be a problem. While he’s over here for the ceremony he can simply vanish.”

While the sentence has been grabbing headspace the former French president is free to remain at large while he appeals. This could take years.

“He may even get a peerage. If he can get himself a bankrupt factory and churn out a few rubber gloves. He’ll certainly get wealthier anyway. He’s only worth about two million. That’s rubbish. We’re not having it.”

Downing Street is ready too for any critics who say the honour is inappropriate.

“How cheap is our honours system these days? Have you seen who Johnson has put into the Lords! Holy cow! Talk about bargain basement. I wouldn’t sweat it. Besides, it’ll be a good way to wind up Macron. We’ll tell him to force Brussels to give in on fish or Sarkozy will end up a Lord. It can’t fail. Then we will say we’ve formed a protective ring around Nicolas and it’s time to move on.”

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Shock as U.K. Gov pays Mail to publish pro-Brexit propaganda, when they normally do it for free

WE LOVE YOU BORIS : The U.K. government has revealed once again that it sees George Orwell’s famous book “Animal Farm” as a guidebook, and not a warning, with the revelation it is paying “newspapers” to publish pro-Brexit propaganda.

“We’re just building on our successful strategy of paying them to publish articles praising our handling of the viral crisis,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “This is strong and stable government at its finest.”

The upbeat articles are aimed at countering reality which is seen to be “unhelpful” and “a determinedly negative remoaner” by 10 Downing Street.

They feature a host of businesses that are seeing their prospects only get better thanks to Brexit.

“If it wasn’t for Brexit I couldn’t increase my theft of oxygen,” one mouth breather told us. “I used to have trouble waking up in the mornings. But thanks to the ramped up, world beating success of Boris Johnson’s Brexit deal I don’t have that problem at all. I barely sleep a wink anymore,” a more truthful business owner commented.

But not everyone is happy with the use of taxpayers money to fund pro-Brexit propaganda. While it is certain Rishi Sunak must be completely aghast at the immoral squandering of precious public cash, he’s not alone.

“I don’t see why they need to do it. We have our sovereignty back. What else do we need? Everyone can feel the benefits,” one punter commented.

“The real scandal is the act of paying. I’m shocked as the Fail and others normally just do it for free.”

But our source was ready with the justification.

“Not every single person sympathetic to the government received a multi-million pound PPE contract. So this way the public can pay back to the billionaire press barons for all the hard work they’ve put in to manage the narrative.”

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Gavin Williamson to send all schools a Union Jack flag to ensure they’re Covid safe

A TISSUE A TISSUE : England’s green and pleasant lands are bubbling up this week with a contagious mixture of excitement and anticipation ahead of the mass gathering of virus spreaders next week.

The event, known as the “re-opening of schools” is not in any way controversial, given that we all know children need an education to become productive and well rounded adults, just not necessarily an education at Eton.

But given the variance in viral load across England, and the perverse reluctance of the government to use the time available for a mass vaccination of teachers, some are expressing doubts over safety.

“It’s okay, I’m here,” Education Secretary Gavin Williamson is expected to tell school staff and parents later this week. “Not here in the sense of being next to you, as that wouldn’t be safe for me. But I’m here in charge of schools re-opening.”

And Gav not only has a spider and a whip he also has a plan to make every school safe.

“Some of you maybe expecting you’ll return to anxious watching of the local R rate once schools reopen. This is misplaced anxiety. Firstly because as any parent can tell you, kids just do not catch and pass on any cold at all. It just never happens. And also because I’m putting in place a measure to ensure that CV-19 can not actually get into or out of schools.”

And that wonder measure is?

“All schools will be sent a Union Jack flag ahead of re-opening. It will be moved between class rooms so that every time there is a lesson it is there guarding the class and staff. No virus can pass in its presence, except at Heathrow or any other of our international borders where we may, or may not, be operating a system of half baked quarantine.”

Schools will be charged for the flags and display will be compulsory.

“But don’t worry, the flags are of the highest quality, as I’m getting them from one of Matt Hancock’s mates who runs a luxury car valet service.”