A TISSUE A TISSUE : England’s green and pleasant lands are bubbling up this week with a contagious mixture of excitement and anticipation ahead of the mass gathering of virus spreaders next week.
The event, known as the “re-opening of schools” is not in any way controversial, given that we all know children need an education to become productive and well rounded adults, just not necessarily an education at Eton.
But given the variance in viral load across England, and the perverse reluctance of the government to use the time available for a mass vaccination of teachers, some are expressing doubts over safety.
“It’s okay, I’m here,” Education Secretary Gavin Williamson is expected to tell school staff and parents later this week. “Not here in the sense of being next to you, as that wouldn’t be safe for me. But I’m here in charge of schools re-opening.”
And Gav not only has a spider and a whip he also has a plan to make every school safe.
“Some of you maybe expecting you’ll return to anxious watching of the local R rate once schools reopen. This is misplaced anxiety. Firstly because as any parent can tell you, kids just do not catch and pass on any cold at all. It just never happens. And also because I’m putting in place a measure to ensure that CV-19 can not actually get into or out of schools.”
And that wonder measure is?
“All schools will be sent a Union Jack flag ahead of re-opening. It will be moved between class rooms so that every time there is a lesson it is there guarding the class and staff. No virus can pass in its presence, except at Heathrow or any other of our international borders where we may, or may not, be operating a system of half baked quarantine.”
Schools will be charged for the flags and display will be compulsory.
“But don’t worry, the flags are of the highest quality, as I’m getting them from one of Matt Hancock’s mates who runs a luxury car valet service.”