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U-turn by Downing Street after “patriotic update to NHS badge” to go with 1% NHS pay rise

TIN OF EAR AND STONE OF HEART : The NHS is being instructed by Downing Street to claim victory today in its fight to receive an inflation busting pay rise.

Matt Hancock is to address the National Health Service over hospital tannoy systems later today and announce a new and patriotic “NHS medal” for health and social care workers. “Essentially it’s the old NHS badge updated. It will also replace the CARE badge, mostly because we don’t.”

“Recognition is more important than money,” Mr Hancock will also tell the workers, before recounting how he said he would never support the prorogation of Parliament to serve Brexit (before doing just that). “Clearly when it comes to PPE contracts it’s the reverse.”

The badge design is said to have been the work of no less a genius than the prime minister himself and is in the shape of one hand clapping.

“Clearly it’s both exhausting and expensive to clap with both hands. But one hand clapping allows you to not only recognise the sacrifices of NHS staff, but also allows the PM to have a free hand to carry on with what he does best.”

The badges, or medals, will be awarded to staff at flag draped award ceremonies which they will be expected to attend in their holidays.

“It will be compulsory to receive and wear the medal. On receipt you are no longer allowed to talk about pay rises anymore, you will show your gratitude for the government’s traditional recognition of individual sacrifice for the state.”

The medals will be produced in a factory owned by a minister’s mate, who lately has turned from producing replica Big Bens to PPE.

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PM to go on open top bus “Victory tour” of England to celebrate his successes during pandemic

TWO WORLD WARS, ONE WORLD CUP AND ONE CV-NINETEEN : Exciting news today from 10 Downing Street with the announcement that Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to undertake a victory tour of England.

Many quarters of an impressively uncritical press have been calling for an open top bus “Victory tour” for some time. This is standard for any impressive national victory by a great team.

Huge parliamentary support is also there with many MPs looking to take any spare seat up top on the bandwagon and shout “Vaccines! Vaccines! Forget the PPE scandals! Forget your dead NHS staff! Vaccines!”

Revelations yesterday that the PM has produced an entire propaganda film, paid for by the taxpayer, to gloss over the absolutely catastrophic (and avoidable) death toll in the U.K. only heightened anticipation that a victory tour was looming.

Dido Harding will of course have a pride of place, assuming someone can find her on the day.

We went out into the queues for tiny post office kiosks (that snake down most high streets during the plague in once crowded urban areas), thanks to the pre-virus austerity closure of the old boring big and spacious branches, to see what the public think.

“I can’t wait,” I Hope To Be The Last Person Left Alive In My Village told LCD Views. “We’re very patriotic around these parts. Well, we were. But I still am. I’m going to make sure the bunting is up early and on the day the bus comes by I won’t mention the dead at all. I expect to get my second vaccine dose sometime in 2039. It’s great.”

Have your British Exceptionalism polished and ready for the day the victory bus crawls by and be ready to shout “We haven’t done elimination as a strategy because death is too lucrative!”

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Tory Lord Phumble Knut praised for defending Track & Trace cost from “attacks by envious unwashed”

FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES : The Serco Track and Trace system is receiving a lot of flack this week over the paltry £37bn cost it has absorbed for questionable public health outcomes. But it has one defender outside of the cabinet.

Speaking earlier today in the House of Lords Tory Life Peer Lord Phumble Knut of Bileheath praised the efforts of the private team behind the world beating system.

“Austerity was said to be a great redistribution catalyst from the public purse to the deserving wealthy, but Track and Trace has proven to be far more efficient.”

Lord Knut went on to list the tangible successes of the system.

“The pension and social care bill for the Exchequer has been notably reduced over the course of the pandemic, with every contact who was either not contacted in a timely fashion, or not supported to isolate after, undoubtedly spreading the virus further in their communities. Those crowing Antipodeans could learn a thing or two from Mother England.”

And it isn’t just in the catastrophic second wave over the winter where the Lord of Bileheath noticed success.

“Just the sheer number of Georgian manors purchased by holders of the PPE and Track and Trace contracts, those modern day golden tickets to Willy Wonkas famous chocolate factory, just the number of them alone speak to the dramatic success of the system. I wager more inheritance millionaires have been created this year alone than in one year of the sadly vanished Raj.”

Lord Phumble Knut also had a stinging rebuke for people “nitpicking” over the way the money has been spent.

“Base jealousy and envy. But what do you expect from the great unwashed?”

The BBC is said to be making a documentary already on the system titled “Track and Trace – A Very Exceptional British Success”.

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Downing Street says it was “exercising its freedom of speech” when it spent £37bn on Track & Trace

CAN’T CANCEL THIS : DOWNING STREET is under unfair and relentless pressure to explain how it managed to spend £37bn (so far) on a Track and Trace service that appears not to be fit for purpose.

“The best people aren’t cheap,” a 10 Downing Street source explained to LCD Views. “And mediocre people who have no idea how to set up and run the service? They are really, really expensive.”

It seems the questions though aren’t relenting anytime soon, especially in the face of the scale of the lives lost in the UK, and the fact that hundreds are still dying daily even as schools reopen.

“Unpatriotic people without Union Jack flags in their living rooms are trying to cancel us,” the source continues. “Well, they’re trying to cancel some of those bank transfers. But we won’t let them. We’ve made commitments to our friends in businesses unrelated to health care and we intend to stick to them.”

Downing Street has more to call on too. It’s not just it’s principled and generous nature that it can stand on and trample.

“It’s essentially a free speech issue. What does a government do but express itself in the way it cares for its people. And that expression is done with the people’s money. So it follows to try and criticise us, to try and shut us down in our expression with £37bn gone to a barely working Test and Trace, then people are trying to cancel us. We won’t have it. We’ll spend more billions for sod all just to prove it.”

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Nigel Farage offers to conduct £63 funeral services over Zoom

NOT SO DEARLY DEPARTED : BRITAIN’S FAVOURITE PLASTIC PATRIOT, NIGEL FARAGE, has hit upon a new way to use his unspeakable talents.

While some feared his latest retirement from politics with leave him with little to do but shout at the sea, Mr Farage isn’t one for slacking and he’s got a new gig which makes the most out of modern technology, and grief.

“Mr Farage has begun offering to conduct funeral services over Zoom,” a PR spokesperson for the new Farage gig, Dead Inside and Out Funerals 4 U, told LCD Views exclusively.

“He’ll basically say whatever you want for money, just look at his entire career. And now with a tsunami of Brexit consequence about to crash over the UK, and leave only tears and wreckage in its wake, it’s the right time to move into an untapped domain. From there he can deny he had anything to do with Brexit.”

The services will be socially distanced, but the payment will be upfront, as is fitting for the times we live in.

“A one minute funeral service for £63 a pop? What’s not to love. No one likes hanging around video calls longer than necessary anyway.”

But while some have questioned Mr Farage’s credentials, claiming he only causes grievances, he doesn’t help heal them, Dead Inside and Out has a ready comback.

“Mr Farage has helped bury an entire modern, representative democracy. You don’t think he can talk your gran into the ground? Please. The moment you hear him begin his service with the famous catch phrase ‘No. No. Let me speak’, you’ll wish he was burying you too!”

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Boris Johnson to make a new Royal Family out of empty wine boxes

CORKED : As the furore surrounding the Royal Family shows no immediate signs of abating no lesser peacemaker than the Prime Minister himself is said to be stepping in to douse the flames.

Earlier today a 10 Downing Street source spoke from an empty wine bottle littered “situation room” within the bowels of the famous old terrace to reveal how Mr Johnson will solve everyone’s problems with the Royal Family.

“He’s going to make a new royal family, and before anyone cracks any jokes along the lines of what, I thought he was busy making his own football team with as many different mothers as possible, that’s not what he means,” the source confirmed.

It’s believed the PM’s plan is focused on the one thing he truly excels at, which is emptying wine crates.

“He’s going to drink the cellar dry and then he’s going to make a new version of the Windsors fit for the 21st century out of the empty boxes.”

It’s believed he won’t just stop there, he will also ensure that the new royals are readily relatable.

“He will paint little faces on the new royals and then they will be taken on a horse drawn parade up and down Pall Mall. After the pomp and circumstance they will next appear on the balcony of Buckingham Palace.”

But don’t fear, they won’t have wooden personalities.

“By way of a unique rope and pulley system they will wave to adoring crowds just like the old ones have always done. Essentially they will be puppets. Just without any of the dodgy uncles and accusations of racism. I suspect they’ll be just as loved as the ones that are no longer fit for purpose.”

The tea towel and picture plate business is expecting a boom off the back of it. God Save The Wine (and the crates).

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Billionaire to refuse pay rise in solidarity with the nurses

WHO WANTS TO BE A BILLIONAIRE? The mega-rich Chancellor, “Fishy” Rishi Sunak, is to turn down a well-deserved pay rise in solidarity with our heroic underpaid nurses.

“It’s only fair,” dissembled the BBC’s loyal Propaganda Chief, Laura Norder. “Nobody is more deserving than the nurses, and let’s face it, Fishy Rishi is hardly a nobody!”

She blushed, doubtless recalling some steamy episode.

To be fair, the figures show that a nurse will earn a whopping £3.50 a week extra on average. By contrast, anyone earning a salary of a billion pounds, and receiving a pay rise of 1%, would receive only a mere £1.38 more per second.

Many other prominent ministers are following suit. Matt Hancock is going to weep crocodile tears live on TV. Boris Johnson is going to tell transparent lies about how we all have to make sacrifices. And Priti Patel is going to get the numbers wrong, bully anyone who points out her error, and pay them £340,000 to keep quiet.

“Let’s face it, the government’s coffers are empty,” continued Norder, hastily pocketing a brown envelope stuffed with used banknotes. “There are moves afoot to create a new currency consisting of claps, but the technology to make an applauding cash machine is some distance away. Ministers are working night and day to dream up alternative arrangements.”

A big hand for the government, or just a finger?

“Give them a break!” screeched Norder. Broken fingers? “No, not Rishi’s fishy fingers, no government has ever had such a crisis to deal with, when they were elected on a promise to Get Brexit Done and that’s it, contract out the actual governing to luminaries like His Eminent Lordship David Frost, and spend the rest of their term throwing bread rolls and brickbats at Sir Keir Starmer.”

Bless you Mr Sunak! Compassion doesn’t come cheap.

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Boris Johnson gifts Cummings 350% bonus for 2020 work just to see how much shit the public will take

NURSE! NURSE! : Running endless focus groups can be a tiring way to govern a democracy crumbling rapidly into a feudalist fetish rebirth colony, especially if you don’t think the great unwashed have a right to think. Happily British PM Boris Johnson has hit on a way to short circuit all that.

“The boss is going to give his mate Dom a retrospective bonus for all his out of the box thinking in 2020,” a Downing Street source has revealed to LCD Views.

The motivation for the surprising decision appears to be a way to conduct a complete and total focus group of the entirety of the British public and press factions all at once.

“It’s the perfect day to do it. You must keep in mind that Johnson is emotionally a very abusive individual. He’s praised and promised nurses for saving his life, for dying for their country and then he’s given them a sub-inflation pay rise. Essentially a pay cut. It’s hilarious. He’s very pleased with himself. But he’s really eager to see just how much he can get away with. How far can he push it? Well, let’s find out.”

So find out he will.

“350 is now as iconic a number in British public life as the devil’s 52/48. So let’s give Dom a 350% bonus on his salary last year and make it every week. See if the public snap? Bloody funny.”

We send £350m a week to the EU let’s give it to mates of Johnson instead. Doff the cap. Keep calm and carry on at the trough.

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Dominic Cummings “breathless with laughter” over £10K fine for 61 year old NHS pay protest organiser

UNCONTROLLABLE : The unseen force in British politics, Dominic Cummings, is said to be temporarily unable to continue with his vital work of egregious waste of UK taxpayer money today after hearing about the £10K fine levied against a 61 year old NHS pay protest organiser.

Mr Cummings was said to be “in his bunker” trying on a range of new grey suits with matching white Persian cats when he heard the news. And his reaction was believed to be “instantaneous” and “like a megalomaniac man with a deadly virus speeding up a motorway with his child in the back of the car out of the terror of having to babysit.”

“It’s potentially very serious,” an insider told LCD Views from Dom’s subterranean lair. “He has to work out how to waste another £100bn on some fantasy white elephant by midday or he won’t hit his personal productivity target for the day.”

Further concerns have been expressed over the likelihood of an actual injury resulting from the laughter if it does not abate soon.

“He could break a rib, which would make getting dressed like a 20 year old boy band wannabe try hard difficult. There’s also some concern over damage to his eyesight if he can’t unscrew his mean little orbs soon. And we all know what lengths he is prepared to go to to check his vision. He’ll probably have to undertake a circumnavigation of the world if he doesn’t stop laughing like a drain soon.”

But concerns over Dom’s welfare are perhaps overblown, like the man himself. A recent check showed that his 30,000 word 2014 blog on public sector pay was edited five minutes ago to forecast just this situation. And revisionism that keen needs fine eyesight.

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Boris Johnson to spend £9m building hair salon within Downing Street

WE’VE GOT A SITUATION HERE : The UK’s prime minister is on a one man mission to spend all of the UK’s money and he doesn’t let an opportunity pass to splash more of it up the wall. Any wall.

In keeping with his raison d’être he has announced that a new room will be built within 10 Downing Street at extravagant cost. Nicknamed “The Situation Room”, it will be a hair salon just for the use of Mr Johnson and his inner circle.

“The Prime Minister believes a man’s appearance is a key to understanding his inner workings. His base psychology. His values. Clothes maketh the man and all that. But so does hair,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “In keeping with this the PM needs to ensure his appearance is consistent.”

While not many would disagree with any of them, some would argue at the cost of fitting the hair salon into the historic address.

“It’s mostly the cost of installing the industrial strength wind turbine,” the source illuminates. “The old days of dragging himself backwards through a hedge are over. He’s serious about his look now. He will stand in the wind tunnel and an aide will crank the dial to 11, which is higher than 10, and he will get the full force of the tornado strength gale face first.”

Additional cost is believed to be involved in keeping a consistent stock of puppies in a basket.

“After the wind blasting he will have the puppies placed on his head and let them do whatever it is they like. Only then is he considered suitably styled to talk to the nation about his world beating pandemic death toll. Oh and Brexit. Which he got done.”