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Position of PM’s mistress to become a cabinet position and not reverse cowgirl as expected

GIG ECONOMY POSITION : DOWNING STREET has moved to pour oil over troubled waters today regarding the ongoing furore over Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s serial infidelity.

Some dour and prudish types have suggested that a man who is prepared to cheat on a wife undergoing cancer treatment may not be best suited for high office? Happily for Mr Johnson he rules over Brexitannia, so moral standards don’t matter.

“We are moving to quell the ongoing chatter as it’s very distracting for the prime minister when he’s making model buses out of empty wine crates,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “And once the position of the PM’s mistress is a cabinet one then no one can say that whoever it is today is being paid inappropriately from public money. They’ll even get a pension and full job security, well, until the weekly reshuffle of the post.”

The move to make the position a full cabinet one does also show there is an aspirational quality to gig economy jobs.

“Zero hours contract? Random remuneration, but potentially large windfalls for services rendered? Could become an actual member of the government? Why not be a mistress? It’s part of Mr Johnson’s work as a feminist.”

The job title will be Secretary of State for Screwing the Prime Minister, which will see it eagerly sought after by a whole selection of much younger women with interesting friends.

“It needs to be a cabinet position too, as the mistress to the PM can be presumed to have significant political influence.”

The decision is a shock though to some who expected the position to be reverse cowgirl, or any other position found after consulting famous ministerial guide, the Kama Sutra.

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Farage to spend day shouting at Brits returning from Spain to go back where they came from

FAILED HUMAN STATE : HUMAN SEWER, NIGEL FARAGE, is rumoured to be looking for which beach to stand on to face off against thousands of unwanted immigrants expected to hit the shores of Blighty any day now.

It’s well known the UK is full and it can’t take anymore pressure on its health and social care systems, in spite of the sterling efforts of the Johnson government to lessen demand over the last year. Just one look at the estates of the landed gentry alone, and the mass of unoccupied properties in the country, confirms the fullness.

Foreign money doesn’t use London property to reputation wash itself just to have to rent it to whinging Poms coming back from Spain. Or anyone for that matter.

“Bog off we’re full!” someone claiming to be an aide to Mr Farage wrote to us in Cyrillic, although we have helpfully translated. “That’s the message Farage is going to send to these bloody immigrants, coming over here, expecting us to speak their language and sell their food. It’s not on. They’ll probably order beers in foreign too. Dos cervezas, por favor, or some other silly language. It’s not on. SPEAK ENGLISH.”

The immigrants raising Farage’s ire are of course the Brexit voters who now have to return from Spain, having failed to apply for residency in time.

“There are some English that Mr Farage is very keen to remain in the EU,” the aide added. “It’s the ones that are going to be bloody angry when they realise they can still get their daily fry-up, but forever now it’s going to be in the pissing English rain! They may even blame Farage and he’s not having it! Avoiding accountability for the disasters that result from their grifting is what populists do best”

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Nobody in the UK interested that the PM paid for sex out of the public purse then lied about it

SPAFFING MONEY UP THE WALL: The news has broken that absolutely nobody is interested in a Prime Ministerial scandal. Neither is anyone interested that Boris Johnson allegedly lied about the alleged affair.

The fact that it’s our money he spaffed on, well, spaffing (allegedly), is also of no concern to the Great British Public.

“If it was important it would be on the BBC, innit?” enquired member of the public Willie Notice. “And it’s not on the BBC. So it never happened, right?”

Notice has a point. The BBC is there to report the news robustly, fairly and accurately, after all.

“If there was any truth in it, innit,” he continued. “It would be first item on the news, know what I mean? If Boris really shagged that bird and paid for it with our money, and lied about it after, that’s just the sort of thing the BBC would report, yes? So it never happened. Stands to reason, innit.”

There is the suggestion that the BBC is under orders not to report any news that could damage the Prime Minister or his government.

“Well, yeah, the BBC’s gone a bit shit these days, man, innit,” Notice conceded. “But think of it like this. What’s the story? Bloke shags bird, bloke spends money on bird, bloke lies about shagging bird, bloke puts it all on expenses. That is just a bloke being a bit of a geezer, innit?”

But it’s the Prime Minister. And it’s your money he spaffed. Then he lied about it. Allegedly. Do you want that man as your Prime Minister?

“Don’t care,” said Notice. “To be honest, if I was Prime Minister, I would do the same. Who cares about governing. I’m the flippin’ PM! Never mind Get Brexit Done, let’s get some serious shagging done!”

Johnson has been caught with his pants down. Unsurprisingly, as his pants are on fire.

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Back to the office, says man who hasn’t done an honest day’s work in his life

BACK TO SKOOL: It’s time to get back into the office. Just as the schools break up.

This is possibly to minimise contact between covid-carrying children and their unvaccinated parents. Or possibly just another screw up from a man who has a strong grasp on himself but on precious little else.

We as a grateful nation are delighted to take our lead from a man who claims to work night and day, but punctuates this with power naps. And we admire a man who thinks that “work” means “dressing up in hi viz while breaking the essential travel ban”.

Ordinary commuters up and down the land are excited about the return to work.

“I for one can’t wait,” said handpicked talking head Tori Plant. “It will be a joy to lose two hours of sleep, or even more if there’s a lovely breakfast meeting. To shave bits I haven’t shaved in months, to actually have a shower, to put on uncomfortable clothes and makeup, to drive into town and get frustrated with the traffic jams. I have missed battling with useless computers, interminable meetings called by someone who just wants an ego boost, and the constant low level harassment from male colleagues.”

That’s quite a list. But you haven’t mentioned your inspiration yet, and we agreed that you would.

“That’s an extra fifty grand, then,” she snapped. “Sorry, that’s off the record. Put it into my hand, right now… Thank you. OK, here goes… I take my inspiration from Boris, of course,” she explained, in a much warmer tone. “He works so hard, and he’s such a role model, and if he came to my workplace he would definitely be my office shag.”

I think we can all take inspiration from a man who has never done an honest day’s work in his life, yet manages to get the country’s top job. There’s a lesson there for all of us.

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Michael Gove’s mysterious absence explained “he’s at the egg laying stage of his life cycle”

CREEPY CRAWLIES : Questions are beginning to be asked after one of Brexit Britain’s leading lights has failed to illuminate for weeks now.

While alien life form Michael Gove does drop from public view now and then while shedding, the current absence is longer than usual. Why?

We spoke to an esteemed galactic-biologist, Professor Bettle Geese to try and shine a light into the fathomless darkness.

”It’s perfectly normal for visiting extraterrestrials to take some time for R&R during their extended missions to study life on Planet Earth,” the professor informs. “Michael Gove is no different. The harsh radiation of our Sun damages his cells at a molecular level and now and then he retreats into the hidden underground tunnel network that is his lair. Here he will repair himself by consuming clarity, honesty, good intentions and other positive traits of humanity. He will reappear shortly. Refreshed and ready to cause further suffering.”

While the professor is clearly an expert, so presumably can be ignored, he does have some more mundane suggestions.

“Of course the massive media splash over petty human Johnson’s affairs, and questions regarding potential financial wrongdoings are coinciding with the absence of the Gove life form. So perhaps a palace coup is in the works? That is part of Gove’s life cycle. Now and then he attempts to end the career of Boris Johnson. It has always failed so far, but if at first you don’t succeed, try and try again, as they say. Maybe though, he’s just hiding from all the damage he’s caused with Operation Brexit?”

And the learned boffin has one more suggestion. Potentially the most worrying of all.

“The real danger is that Gove is at the egg laying stage of his life cycle. This only happens once a decade. If so it should worry everyone. If he lays eggs then thousands of larval Goves will soon emerge to infect the population. It’s pretty certain life as we know it is over then. Last time he laid 52% of the population became infected. And we all know what happened then. We’re living in it.”

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Wetherspoons to bar customers not carrying a Union Jack

FLAG STONED: Patriotic penny-pinching pub chain Wetherspoons has taken steps to ensure the quality of its clientele. In future, customers wishing to sample their bargain beers must carry The Flag.

This is a simple procedure, ‘Spoons bosses believe, that will weed out undesirables. Any potential customers failing to carry a Union Jack will be forbidden to enter, in case they start to destroy the atmosphere with undemocratic language. 

Instead, non-flag bearers will be told, in no uncertain terms, to bugger off and go to the nearest champagne socialist bar, since they obviously hate their country.

“Our customers like a nice quiet skinful in their comfortable little bubble,” explained the manager of the Permanently Outraged Gammon, Rhys Pectarcuntry. “Our punters do not wish their evening out to be spoilt by some four-eyed Guardian reader drinking low-alcohol single malt and bothering them with facts and intelligent discussion. They make our core customer base uncomfortable, making them turn aggressive. They lost, they need to get over it, and drink somewhere else until they do!”

Remoaners are also being discouraged by the installation of life-size cardboard cutouts of Boris Johnson. Unfortunately the usual clientele tend to nick them unless they are bolted to the floor.

“We are also experimenting with personalised condiment sets,” continued Pectarcuntry. “You know, like Nigel Farage salt cellars. But Nigel wanted to charge £175 each, and the boss wouldn’t put his hand in his pocket, the tight git.”

As a compromise, ‘Spoons branches will play the collected speeches of Winston Churchill over the PA, instead of the traditional muzak. Daily Spitfire fly-bys were mooted, but abandoned when they realised that the planes wouldn’t fit through the pub doorway. Instead, the big screens will show war footage whenever there is a break in the football.

Just in case, ‘Spoons will employ bouncers to be on the alert for Union Jacks. No flag? No entry!

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Jennifer Arcuri added to Union Flag to better reflect values of Boris Johnson’s United Kingdom

THE WORLD CAN SEE : Fantastic news for flagshaggers today with the confirmation from 10 Downing Street that the old Union Flag is getting an update to reflect modern Britain.

“Many claim that the Union Flag is all shagged out,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Which given that it’s been in an orgy with the Tory Party, the fascists, the knuckledraggers and others who should know better for weeks is a reasonable presumption. But there’s life in the old cloth yet! It just needs a makeover.”

And a makeover is what the flag is getting as no less a star of modern British politics, and IT learning, than Jennifer Arcuri, has been added to the design.

“We feel the addition of the technological trainer really helps express the values expressed by the current United Kingdom government. And as you suckers elected us, they’re your values too!”

But a minority of voters elected the current government and its 80 seat majority.

“FPTP! Don’t you love it? You don’t need any definable policies with mass manipulation available via social media to the highest bidder. Just look what we’ve achieved!”

While many are happy to see one of Boris Johnson’s ex-mistresses now added to the Union Flag, some are worried about the international ramifications.

“Someone has to convince Australia and New Zealand and a few others they need to upgrade their flags too. But that’s tough. They’re saying we’ll just wait until Scotland leaves the Union thanks.”

Which under serial adulterer Boris Johnson looks certain, as the longer he is PM the deeper we’re screwed.

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PATRIOTS SALUTE as Union Flag to fly over every house Johnson shagged in – Blue Plaque industry furious!

WHAT’S FLYING ON YOUR POLE : THE BLUE PLAQUE industry is said to be so mad they’re considering legal action today after the Ministry of Infidelity chose the Union Flag as the monument to mark locations of Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s affairs.

“We already had compositions in the drafting stage,” Non-existent industry representative Bloo Plack told LCD Views. “The PM bonked here. It’s direct and to the point and who wouldn’t be proud to have one of those plaques over their door?”

But it seems whoever has the contract for Union Flags has muscled in on the plaque people’s business.

“That’s hundreds of plaques that now won’t be glued to exterior walls. You don’t need wind for a plaque. We also attract people’s interest. They come over and squint up wondering if they’ll recognise the personality remembered. The flag? It’s everywhere. Who is going to care if Boris Johnson shagged in the property or not? Unless they put a picture of the conquest in question on the flags? Are they doing that?”

The good news for the prime minister though is that most of the media focus and social media comment today does appear to be directly on the infidelity itself, and not the masses of public money that may, or may not, have been incorrectly paid to the conquest in question.

“Boris Johnson shagged here. It could have seen a boom for our industry. But instead it’s to be the Union Flag again. About the only positive I can see is that once it gets associated with Johnson and the moral sewer the man is, maybe, just maybe Tory MPs will be less keen to have them in their living rooms.”

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“Back to the office!” says PM who plans to spend next week out of office dressed as a tinker, tailor or soldier

OUT OF OFFICE AUTO REPLY : The nation’s shagged out leader, Subprime Minister Boris Johnson, is worried everyone not a multi-millionaire cabinet minister (who may or may not have significant interests in commercial real estate) may have had just a little too much time off work during the plague. He isn’t standing for it.

“He’s actually in any number of positions for it, judging by today’s Arcuri story,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “This interview is invented right? And so off the record. Can we talk about lazy, work shy Brits now? Like the Subprime Minister?”

I think it best.

“Good. It takes one to know one, as they say. And Boris spends most of his time out of the office. You know this because he’s always happy to share the photos of his playtime. And he’s very playful. He needs daily exercise like a dog that needs castrating or it will never calm down. So many legs to shag. All of them. It’s about dominance though, the leg shagging, not just pent up sexual frustration. You get that right?”

He seems a regular expert at work avoidance, to judge by his social media feeds.

“Well a succession of younger blondes with interesting friends don’t just look after themselves. You’re lucky he has any spare time or energy left to think about managing the country as it is. His image is the most important aspect. Don’t you just love him? What a rogue. I mean a less competent prime minister may have seen half a million die over the last year. When you think about chasing that bit of blonde totty that just happened to walk by…wait. Sorry. Let’s keep on top of work shy Brits.”

Please.

“Get back in the office! That’s the message. Just like last summer as the plague was ebbing. Give a kick and get it flowing again. We’ll be rebooting eat out to help out next. With a different title of course, as the last one risks denting Rishi’s prime rep into subprime too. It’s time to move on from that. But not for Boris. He’ll be leading by reverse example.”

What’s he dressing up as next week?

“Monday is a tinker. Tuesday is a tailor. Wednesday is a soldier. Thursday and Friday are top secret. Now back onto the trains and into the office with you. Only the alpha males get to be work shy!”

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Brexit voting expats “delighted” that their European nightmare is coming to an end

IF YOU LOVE THE UK SO MUCH, WHY DON’T YOU GO AND LIVE THERE: The Brexit voting expat community in Europe is getting its dearest wish. They are finally coming home! 

The expats have endured years upon years of horrible Spanish sunshine, disgusting picturesque beaches and unthinkable siestas. Now at last they will be able to experience the undiluted joy of damp gloomy days in some godforsaken British town. 

“We have got our bags packed, and we can’t wait to come home!” exclaimed an excited Claudia Daze. “I’m utterly delighted! It’s ok here, but we miss the sovereignty and the flags and the chill wind and the relentless drizzle!” 

Claudia’s husband, Rainier Daze, was equally enthusiastic. “To be quite honest, you can have enough of sunshine, cocktails on the beach, open air swimming pools, the easy life,” he said. “After a while, you hanker after misery, not speaking to your neighbours, and crappy government.” 

Claudia and Rainier pronounced themselves “Delighted” that the 90 days out of 180 are finally up, meaning that they can at long last return to Blighty. 

“I mean, it’s been a total nightmare, know what I mean?” said Claudia, admiring her tan. “I mean, there’s foreigners everywhere. They seem quite nice, but they won’t learn our language, and they do insist that we have paella and sangria, when really all we want is a cup of PG Tips – two sugars, please – and a Spam fritter with oven chips.”

“And ketchup,” Rainier interjected. “And you can’t get real white sliced bread or gravy granules for love or money. Thank goodness we are going back!”

Leave means Leave. So will you be swapping Cordoba for Corby? Sevilla for Swindon? Barcelona for Burton-on-Trent?

“Sounds perfect,” said Rainier, reclining on his sun lounger and sipping an exotic drink. “I can’t wait to get hammered on cheap lager…”

“…and lose all our money at the bingo…” said Claudia.

“…and have a screaming row and not talk to one another for weeks,” concluded Rainier. They both sighed contentedly and stroked their fresh new Blue Passports.

Some expats are furious at having to leave. But they don’t respect the flag, the Queen and democracy, so it doesn’t matter what they think.