NOT SO DEARLY DEPARTED : BRITAIN’S FAVOURITE PLASTIC PATRIOT, NIGEL FARAGE, has hit upon a new way to use his unspeakable talents.
While some feared his latest retirement from politics with leave him with little to do but shout at the sea, Mr Farage isn’t one for slacking and he’s got a new gig which makes the most out of modern technology, and grief.
“Mr Farage has begun offering to conduct funeral services over Zoom,” a PR spokesperson for the new Farage gig, Dead Inside and Out Funerals 4 U, told LCD Views exclusively.
“He’ll basically say whatever you want for money, just look at his entire career. And now with a tsunami of Brexit consequence about to crash over the UK, and leave only tears and wreckage in its wake, it’s the right time to move into an untapped domain. From there he can deny he had anything to do with Brexit.”
The services will be socially distanced, but the payment will be upfront, as is fitting for the times we live in.
“A one minute funeral service for £63 a pop? What’s not to love. No one likes hanging around video calls longer than necessary anyway.”
But while some have questioned Mr Farage’s credentials, claiming he only causes grievances, he doesn’t help heal them, Dead Inside and Out has a ready comback.
“Mr Farage has helped bury an entire modern, representative democracy. You don’t think he can talk your gran into the ground? Please. The moment you hear him begin his service with the famous catch phrase ‘No. No. Let me speak’, you’ll wish he was burying you too!”