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Johnson says big drop in exports is because “we’re no longer exporting our sovereignty to Europe”

WHO NEEDS TRADE : “Recent unpatriotic reports in some treasonous publications appear to be causing minor alarm amongst the right thinking people of Global Britain. This will be dealt with swiftly and decisively”, so begins the latest directions emanating from 10 Downing Street, as famous liberal Boris Johnson goes from strength to strength establishing an autocracy.

The concern in particular appears to be that some so called journalists have attempted to highlight a minor dip in trade, which is all the result of the pandemic and nothing to do with Brexit.

“As Brexit only increases the sovereignty of the United Kingdom, therefore it follows that the rumoured decrease in exports of UK goods and services to the failing continental mainland is the result of the pandemic” the missive continues. “Ensure all sock puppets and media stooges report this correctly. The beatings will continue until trade improves.”

Whether or not the fact that 10 Downing Street chose to bungle its response to the pandemic, and thus inflicted the greater than necessary damage to UK trade as a result, is not discussed.

“If bad actors continue to point out that exports have dropped off a cliff because of the choices of the government we will have no recourse but to close down all media except the state broadcasting service,” the order goes on. No surprise there.

“Up and until that point please explain to any persistent naysayers and gloomsters that the drop in UK exports is because we no longer export our sovereignty to Europe. We keep it all at home we’re no one can do anything with it.”

Message ends. Enjoy the spring patriots. May I suggest you plan some turnips.

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Government science group report British sunlight is the full spectrum of colours “red, white and blue”

BRITISH SUNLIGHT : It has long been known that God is an Englishman, this is so self evident that no further explanation is required, but what of course of the works of God? Such as Brexit? Such as sunlight?

Happily a Boris Johnson initiative has the answer. An until now secret science project (although taxpayer funded from the start) has reported its findings after an exhaustive study of the sun.

“Clearly sunlight is British,” Professor Wantfungle tells LCD Views in an exclusive. “We had that hypothesis, and just like the benefits for trade that naturally flow from Brexit, we set out to prove it.”

And prove it the Professor and his colleagues did.

“We’ve already established British water, British wind, British sprouts, British spirit, just a whole raft of matters have been resolved to be British and superior. But what about sunlight? The answer is easy. It’s also British. We proved this by studying the light spectrum that comprises sunlight.”

In order to do the study the Professor had to go the extra mile both metaphorically and on a plane.

“Obviously there’s not hours of sunlight over Britain to complete the work, so we undertook the study in the Pacific. And the results were very satisfying. The full light spectrum makes up British sunlight. It’s comprised of red, white and blue.”

The next problem the team will work on is how to retake control of British sunlight.

“For far too long foreigners all over the world have taken advantage of our outward looking and generous nature as a nation and used more British sunlight than we do ourselves.”

This is a problem everyone can notice just for themselves by looking outside pretty much any day of the year in the United Kingdom.

“We will take back control of the sun,” the Professor concludes. “And then we will ram the entire UK right into the face of it.”

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Government to introduce applauding cash machines for nurses

IF YOU’RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT: Talk is cheap, and so is applause. So in lieu of a decent pay rise, nurses will in future be able to access their claps at ATMs everywhere.

This latest stroke of genius is the work of Matt Hancock’s office. The principle is simple. You insert your card as usual. Then select the quantity of applause you desire. The machine will applaud you as long as you have enough clap credit.

The machines will be developed by a chap who drinks at Hancock’s local, the Cock Up. An endless supply of cash has been promised to him, which is why the government can’t award any more money to the NHS.

Nurses are of course overjoyed. “To be honest, this matters more than money to me,” boasted suspicious Twitter account @FayeKingitt. “I’m happy to work for nothing, and so are all my friends, so long as the applause keeps coming! See you on the wards!”

There was a pile-on, but before @FayeKingitt could reply, she somehow deleted her account. But suspiciously similar messages appeared from suspiciously similar accounts. So that’s all good and genuine, then.

Some supermarkets are helping out. Special “Nurses only” shopping hours are offered after normal closing time, so that nurses may buy up all the cheap out-of-date food that would have gone in the skip anyway. Store managers will take it in turns to applaud the exhausted shoppers, claiming overtime for it of course.

As a special bonus, shops have agreed to raise the price of nurses’ food by no more than 2.1%.

The machines will be installed by the Serco track & trace team. This is down to their world beating success at extracting huge sums of public money on a vague promise to ‘do something useful with it’. 

The applause dispensers will cease operation when compassion fatigue sets in.

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Patriotic retailers ordered to stock Union Jack paint

PAINTING THE TOWN RED, WHITE AND BLUE: To give the country a much-needed Brexit boost, shopkeepers must now stock patriotic paint. Spirits must be kept up at all times!

Union Jack paint will remind customers that they are lucky Brits, and to take pride in their identity. Not like the unfortunate EU citizens, with their well-run economies and their woke approach to education and human rights. We are British, and the British are best!

Out will go magnolia. There will be no more white gloss (except in the completely non-racist, but… newspapers). Red, white and blue will be everywhere. Every house, every car, every item of clothing will bear Union Jack branding. Anyone not deemed patriotic enough will be forced to wear a yellow star (on a blue background).

Supermarkets will no longer offer Nectar Points, or anything similar. Instead Patriot Points will be available for anyone buying Union Jack branded goods. If you save enough points, then you will be eligible to claim your FREE Happy British Whelk!***

As usual, there are those few traitors who carp and complain.

“Nobody has even mastered the production of striped paint yet,” said an incredulous Payne Troller. “Surely this can’t be true! Not even our government is that stupid!”

Troller was removed by Priti Patel’s Thought Police, made to wear a whole 12 yellow stars on a blue background, and deported to reality.

In response, Patel herself took to the rostrum, all 5 foot nothin’ of her, in full dominatrix gear, and brandishing a cat o’ nine tails.

“Moanin’ will not be tolerated!” she screamed venomously. “You must believe! We are bringin’ in alternative arrangements, and a technological solution, and levellin’ up, and strainin’ every sinew, and you WILL buy this paint, or there will be consequences!”

Nobody dared to contradict her. She glared at her audience, cracked the whip threateningly, and clattered away angrily.

Better go and buy some paint, then.

***subject to the continued existence of a fishing fleet

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FURY in DOWNING STREET – urgent INQUIRY launched AFTER discovery EU has NOT collapsed YET

WHAT WILL IT TAKE : DOWNING STREET was said to be in a febrile state today after the SHOCK discovery that in spite of Brexit the EU has yet to collapse.

“The Prime Minister himself is said to have ordered an URGENT INQUIRY into why the EU still exists, even after Brexit,” our Westminster correspondent reports. “The prevailing belief that the rogue trading union of peaceful nations would immediately fall to quarrelling and disunity WITHOUT BRITISH LEADERSHIP at its core is said to be SUDDENLY in question.”

What more can be done to cause the EU to fail WITHOUT BRITAIN is said to be in the scope of the inquiry and ANSWERS are needed and FAST.

“It’s not cricket,” a Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “We’re doing everything we can to destroy ourselves, why are the stubborn Europeans not playing their part?”

It is further suggested that Mr Johnson will PERSONALLY begin drinking without cessation until the inquiry reports its findings. The understanding being you can’t do this sort of thing sober.

It’s believed no less famous a research institution than the ERG will be consulted, as they have spent years “apparently researching Europe at the taxpayers expense” and must know just lots of things.

“If the EU persist in still existing without us we will have to step up our self-destruction a few years,” the source adds. “We’ve pretty much done for manufacturing and export. Daffodil farmers and fishermen are stuffed. About the only thing left to trash is the Union Jack. But if we have to we will pull it into it’s component parts and see how the recalcitrant EU likes that!”

The findings of the inquiry are due by the weekend. The results will be written in large font on one side of A4 paper.

“The prime minister is expected to dress up as a builder when he’s handed the piece of paper. Following that he won’t be bothered to read it and will just sit there punching himself in the nuts.”

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BREAKING : All hot air balloons must now be Union Jack colours and launch from 10 Downing Street

BRITISH HOT AIR POWERED : News today of British wind filling the sails of Global Britain after a the latest diktat from 10 Downing Street seeks to harness an unstoppable supply of hot air. Thanks to Brexit.

“We have to fly the tricolour,” a Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “Otherwise how will everyone know where we are? The colours of the Russian and American flags must be seen in the skies over Blighty continually or the investments made to bring about Brexit may have been for nothing.”

Lucky for the blue sky dreamers at the heart of British government those colours are also the colours of the Union Jack, or someone may think something has gone awry.

“If it has we will not investigate. There is no need to panic our generous overseas benefactors.”

The diktat itself concerns hot air balloons.

“From midday tomorrow all hot air balloons in the skies over our green and pleasant land must be red, white and blue!” the source confirms. “This will ensure as British eyes raise upward to British skies they see their patriotism flying high any time of the day or night.”

Best of all the patriotism will be 100% hot air.

“This will cement our credentials as a greenhouse superpower ahead of the Climate Change Conference later this year,” the source adds. “And no one will be in any doubt that it’s the British Prime Minister himself supplying the hot air as every balloon will launch from the Rose Garden of 10 Downing Street.”

Fly high patriots! Getting high is about the only thing that will make Brexitannia bearable.

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U.K. Gov launch “Buy British!” campaign in EU27 states to combat falling exports

ALL TRUSSED UP : Downing Street is to go on the offensive after a completely baffling and unexpected fall in British exports. Something must be done.

“No less a trade supremo than Liz Truss is on the case,” a Department of International Trade source reassures LCD Views. “There is no export that she can’t get a handle on. What she does with it afterwards is anyone’s guess. But we know it must be magic. Especially if we’re talking about pork and cheese.”

Liz Truss will target the EU27 first and foremost, after having concluded ramped up, world beating trade deals with the rest of the known world.

“For some completely confusing reason British exports have suffered a serious decline following the New Year. While a completely arbitrary and manmade date should be so consequential is anyone’s guess. But we’re not going to explore that. We’re going to go on a charm offensive to Europe.”

And the offensive will see Liz styled out in Union Jacks and ready to beguile those staid Europeans.

“We are confident that with the right amount of boosterism and fetish level flag waving the EU27 importers will be tumbling over themselves for British products.”

Rest assured Global Britons. Buy British isn’t just the policy to deal with a catastrophic decline in the economy at home, even if we don’t make it anymore. Like good. Thanks to Liz and her boss Boris buy British will see those cashed up Europeans and their pathetic market of half a billion fighting each other for what we make.

If they don’t buy it, who will? That’s a question Liz Truss has the answer to. She just doesn’t know it yet.

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Boris Johnson to make Lord Frost “Lord Lord Frost” after single peerage proves not enough to cow Europeans

SHOUT LOUDER IN ENGLISH TO BE UNDERSTOOD : BORIS JOHNSON’S PERSONAL BRITISH BULLDOG, LORD FROST, is to have his aching, inner feelings of inadequacy further quenched today after his peerage is doubled up.

The decision to double his treat allowance comes after all the gnashing of teeth and growling across the English Channel at the silly EU27 seems only to be achieving the reverse of intentions.

“Lord Lord Frost will carry a weight of unearned privilege the EU27 commissioners can only dream about,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “Double ermine? It’s as powerful as making a king in draughts. Mr Johnson had the brain wave after he found an old chequers board while hammered and spent the rest of the afternoon trying to remember what it was.”

Quite how the Europeans will take the move isn’t certain, as many may try and conceal just how intimidated they feel.

“EU27 are famous for being deeply impressed by the British system of giving out privilege in exchange for political services. They will be so envious when Lord Lord Frost walks amongst them they’ll likely go green at the gills.”

In keeping with the doubling of the title, Lord Lord Frost’s enumeration will of course also have to be doubled.

“It’s a good thing we’ve saved all that money on nurses pay,” the source adds. “Or we may not have been able to afford to do it.”

A royal is expected to stop by and do the doubling of peerage, because unfortunately it seems these days they’ll sign off on any old rubbish.

Lord Lord Frost is expected to hold a banquet to celebrate during which only British fish will be served, assuming they can find any that is still suitable for human consumption. By his deeds will he be remembered.

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Mad scenes of jubilation as a red, white and blue wind is spotted over Home Counties!

PATRIOTIC HOT AIR : The U.K. is said to be in a “frenzy of self congratulation” today not seen since the conga lines of VE Day 2020 helped out the pandemic.

The cause of the flushed cheek joy is said to be the spotting of a patriotic wind blowing over the Home Counties. Right thinking citizens took a brief respite from the “war on woke” to step into their green and pleasant gardens and look to the heavens.

“This is certain to give Boris Johnson a poll boost not seen since everyone conveniently forgot 130,000+ people have died of that rather nasty cold on his watch. Or was it the flu? I can’t recall,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

The wind, said to be red, white and blue began blowing as the sun rose and is said to be the best “example of hot air” since the last time the PM held a press conference.

Plans by the Conservative Party to bottle the wind are underway so that patriots can purchase it and open it in the comfort of their homes.

“If you’re worried about job security you won’t be anymore once you’ve inhaled the nationalist hot air,” the source added.

Downing Street have responded by ordering all Union Jacks in the U.K. flown at full mast, even the numerous ones held captive inside ministers’ living rooms.

Meteorological experts expect the wind to arrive at 10 Downing Street by lunch time at which point the Prime Minister will “stand in the Rose Garden and open his mouth wide” and the “blue, red and white hot air will come home”.

A Spitfire flypast is planned in the next thirty minutes and the BBC will carry the reassuring and stupefying footage on a continual loop until the time it is required to once again report on the devious machinations of the wily Europeans.

“This is a British wind,” the source adds. “A force of hot air the entire world can’t help but notice and recognise.”

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U-turn by Downing Street after “patriotic update to NHS badge” to go with 1% NHS pay rise

TIN OF EAR AND STONE OF HEART : The NHS is being instructed by Downing Street to claim victory today in its fight to receive an inflation busting pay rise.

Matt Hancock is to address the National Health Service over hospital tannoy systems later today and announce a new and patriotic “NHS medal” for health and social care workers. “Essentially it’s the old NHS badge updated. It will also replace the CARE badge, mostly because we don’t.”

“Recognition is more important than money,” Mr Hancock will also tell the workers, before recounting how he said he would never support the prorogation of Parliament to serve Brexit (before doing just that). “Clearly when it comes to PPE contracts it’s the reverse.”

The badge design is said to have been the work of no less a genius than the prime minister himself and is in the shape of one hand clapping.

“Clearly it’s both exhausting and expensive to clap with both hands. But one hand clapping allows you to not only recognise the sacrifices of NHS staff, but also allows the PM to have a free hand to carry on with what he does best.”

The badges, or medals, will be awarded to staff at flag draped award ceremonies which they will be expected to attend in their holidays.

“It will be compulsory to receive and wear the medal. On receipt you are no longer allowed to talk about pay rises anymore, you will show your gratitude for the government’s traditional recognition of individual sacrifice for the state.”

The medals will be produced in a factory owned by a minister’s mate, who lately has turned from producing replica Big Bens to PPE.