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BREAKING : Boris Johnson inaction figurine goes on sale

PAY IN ANY CURRENCY YOU LIKE : Fantastic news for patriotic consumers today with the launch of the Prime Minister Boris Johnson inaction figurine.

The toy has been specially developed in partnership with an international clique by the Tory Party 1922 Committee and goes on sale just like the U.K.

“The Boris Johnson inaction figurine mimics the man’s pandemic response. Completely inactive. Just keep winding him up. He will move eventually, but it will always be too late. It’s adorable and 100% plastic patriotism has been used in the paint job,” a member of the Evil Designs team told us.

Accessories are available. Union Flags maybe purchased separately and a full range of occupational outfits. The only one missing is the prime ministerial one.

“The Prime Minister doesn’t have to live alone either. He comes with a full range of Barbie like partners. With our special arts and crafts add on kit too you can make a range of homes for the dolls to live in. All you have to do is then construct a toy bus out of empty wine crates and he’ll hop in and visit all of them to a timetable.”

There is a note of warning though for use and operation.

“He must under no circumstances be exposed to direct light. He’s a bit like a gremlin that way. The light of scrutiny especially has to be avoided at all times. Too much of that and he won’t be able to move on as designed.”

A full range of attending minister figurines are in the planning and design stages so the inaction figurine can do nothing like the job of a prime minister with friends!

“He works best after a few bottles of claret have been poured down his fully movable mouth. Get your figurine hammered and just wait for the pre-recorded, semi-remembered classical references to flow!”

The Prime Ministerial Inaction Figurine – get yours while stocks last and you’ll be thoroughly entertained all through the next completely avoidable lockdown!

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Home Office to deport Cheddar Man because he’s ruining the story of Britain

Great news for true born British potatriots this morning with the announcement from the Home Office that immigration officials will shortly be placing Cheddar Man in detention, prior to express deportation.

“It comes after Torykip members of the Conservative Party demanded the government hold a meeting of Cobra, the emergency response unit of government, after the revelation that Cheddar Man doesn’t look very British,” Doctor Wayne Kerr told LCD Views’ nativism specialist.

“In fact, there’s a real concern that the first Briton may have been an immigrant.”

But that doesn’t make much sense when squared with the Brexit Britain theory of history currently guiding the government?

“Well, archaeology has already proven that British people sprung from the soil of Britannia, after God sent an angel down to well, get creative, with a pot plant, thus proving God is an Englishman.”

What breed of plant was in the pot?

“An aspidistra,” Doctor Wayne Kerr continues, “Indeed, one of the Dead Sea Scrolls, recovered from a dig in Cheshire on the 23rd June 2016, tells how God went on a grand tour from the home counties to the Red Sea and asked the first person he encountered there, “DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? He wasn’t impressed with the answer, so he said it again even louder.”

But how will the public take this attempt to sweep Cheddar Man under the carpet, before sweeping him back across the channel where he belongs?

“There’s a real sense that everyone in Britain is uniting behind Brexit,” Doctor Wayne Kerr answered, “I expect most will attempt to pay no attention to what is just sensible public policy of discarding any fact that is inconvenient.

Better still, the deportation of Cheddar Man will show that the cheese industry especially is set to benefit hugely from hard Briexit.

The skin colour of Cheddar Man is probably fake news anyway, how could anyone British not be transparent?

Furthermore, we all know that the sea has always protected England from invasion, with the exception of the people who wandered across, most likely from where Turkey is today, bringing farming.

Oh, and the celts after, and the Romans and their internationalist rabble, and the Saxons after, and the Scandinavians, and the French, and the various waves of refugees, and the imported Dutch and German monarchs and the Huguenots and that other group that combined to give us fish and chips and a few others.

With those exceptions set aside, the sea has always kept the pure people uniting behind Brexit British. Briton. British. Britain. Britannia. All good English words.”

LCD Views commends such speedy action on the part of the Home Office, Cheddar Man, with his potential to create dissent as we present the unified face of Global Britain to the world who just love us now, can not be allowed to spoil the story of the British.

Remember, Ms Rudd called on Britons to name and shame firms employing forinners in 2016.

Shame Cheddar Man. Shame. Keep Britain for the British!

You know who they are, a collection of immigrants who have created the country over thousands of years of immigration?

“Furthermore, it will soon be illegal to even suggest British people weren’t always British!” Yes, thank you Doctor Wayne Kerr, haven’t you a University of Life lecture to give?

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Downing Street Brexit report blames German car industry for failure of British fishing fleet

IT WASN’T US GUV HONEST : Downing Street has searched shallow and answered many pressing questions this week with reports based on investigations whose outcomes were in no way pre-determined.

“Clearly we’ve solved racism in the UK by making Boris Johnson prime minister,” a 10 Downing Street insider tells LCD Views. “The solution was to make it acceptable again. If a racist can become PM? What’s to stop any of you?”

And other pressing matters were also investigated. Such as the failure of the British fishing industry.

“Clearly the fishing industry has not suffered any reversals as a result of taking back control of British waters. Sovereignty is money in the bank. We all know that. But somebody, somewhere, did something. We had to find out.”

Find out they did it seems as the report on the British fishing industry’s current status, or Clusterfuck, as the report has been nicknamed, proves.

“It was the Germans,” the source explains. “We knew it was either them or the French even before we investigated. Open and shut case.”

Curious readers and observers of the UK will be keen to learn exactly how the Germans did it though.

“The summary of the report answers it. The rest of it is just padding. The Germans caused the collapse of British fishing because their car industry failed to turn up and sort Brexit. It’s just obvious.”

What to do now the cause is identified will be the next question in many minds.

“What to do? That’s also obvious. We just wait for the German car industry to acknowledge the error of its ways. Then it will turn up and sort it. We’re Global Britain. Everyone is banging down our doors. Just ask Liz Truss!”

What will be done while we wait?

“We’ll pay off the fishermen with taxpayers’ cash like we do for everything. Nothing some taxpayers’ cash can’t solve. Just ask the entirety of the parliamentary Tory Party!”

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FURIOUS Brexiters SLAM EU for giving them EXACTLY what they wished for

INDIG-NATION : HOW BLOODY DARE THEY?!@@*%*# Is a question being asked up and down the MIGHTY UNITED KINGDOM today after member countries in the EU SINKING SHIP applied third country rules to NOBLE BRITS!

”It’s like they EU doesn’t even realise it has already failed just by giving us exactly what we demanded?” Mr Gammon Gammon, 69 Gammon Lane, Gammon asked today as the PETTY REVENGE tactics of the failing tyrannical superstate kicked in. Otherwise known as third country rules.

“You know they’ve never SIGNED OFF THEIR ACCOUNTS?” he added, for good measure. “We live by our OWN RULES. We’re an EMPIRE. Forrins don’t get to tell us what to do! Especially not in their own backyards.”

Quite what the UNELECTED OFFICIALS in BRUSSELS will do now that they have raised the righteous indignation of THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH isn’t yet clear. What’s left? They’ve already destroyed our fishing fleets! PATHETIC.

But we all know THEY NEED US MORE THAN WE NEED THEM.

“Their economy will collapse without our pensioners dodging tax on the Costa del Sol!” Mr Gammon adds, talking entirely in red face rage font.

“We knew what we were voting for! And years of REMOANERS pointing out it’s going to be unmitigated crap if we get it DOESN’T COUNT. If they’d believed in BRITAIN Brussels would have folded!”

He threw more down, or is it up?

“How dare they? You just wait. The entire project is about to collapse! The German car industry is about to FORCE BRUSSELS TO buy OUR FISH!”

At this point we should go to Brussels to get comment, BUT THIS IS A BRITISH TABLOID AND WE DON’T TALK TO FOREIGNERS WHO CAN’T SPEAK ENGLISH ANYWAY!

TAKE THAT EU! You keep throwing BRAVE BRITS OUT. Keep it up with all the rules that allow dozens of countries to work together for mutual benefit, and see what happens once COVID CAN NO LONGER conceal how hard WE’VE PUNCHED OURSELVES IN THE FACE!

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BREAKING : PM commits to immediate public inquiry into Russian interference in U.K. elections

IS IT SECRET IS IT SAFE : Downing Street has declared today that it is no longer satisfactory to allow sleeping dogs to lie on the porch of British democracy, they will be made to tell the truth instead.

“We’re going to look underneath every single one of them and get to the truth,” a 10 Downing Street source declared. “The Prime Minister has ordered the immediate establishment of an independent inquiry into Russian interference in UK democracy. No stone will be left unturned.”

The decision will surprise many who have been worried about the safety of the British electoral process, ever since everything started evidentially going to shit, right before our eyes.

“It is no longer acceptable to allow money from any source, not just Russia, to flood into the British political establishment and potentially subvert the sanctity of the democracy. We must recall that Westminster is the Mother of Parliaments and move to defend her.”

The about turn is welcome with the Johnson administration previously on the end of stern criticism for the refusal to even look for interference.

“It is highly likely that many of our recent elections and referendums are compromised, both by malevolent actors from Russia and of course America. We believe the flood of dark money must be dammed. If necessary all MPs who have received money from abroad, even if it was technically legal, will be made to repay the sums.”

The findings of the inquiry will be made public and there will be no redaction.

“We must face what we allowed to happen to our country on our watch. We must be brave and face our weakness. How else can we expect to recover?”

The inquiry is expected to conclude before the end of the summer.

“It seems obvious that we have no bloody idea what is going on in the UK anymore as it steadily moves towards self-immolation. Mr Johnson will not stand for this. He is a modern Churchill. He will now have his finest shower.”

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BREAKING Downing Street : £100bn prize for scientist who can bring back the Dodo!

WHAT’S COOKING IN YOUR SHED : AMATEUR HOUR FOR SCIENTISTS has just got a lot more exciting today after the announcement of a £100bn prize to encourage the natural innovation of Britons.

‘The Dodo’ is a new prize established today by Downing Street which aims to put British ingenuity and smarts back “on the map”.

The first task to be set Global Britons is one of self reflection.

“Just as the British Empire is not dead, so long as we refuse to see the setting sun, so too there is no reason why Brits can’t revive a much loved, but sadly long lost, family pet.”

The pet in question is the The Dodo, a bird still popular in the imagination of all natural born English men and women, long after the last one was eaten by a natural born Englishman.

“Everyone can enter,” a 10 Downing Street source says. “Just pop along to the Dodo contest website and download the application form and a sample of Dodo DNA. Then get into your kitchen and let the alchemy takeover.”

To encourage participation the winner will not only receive a cash prize equivalent to a standard non-tender PPE contract, but they will see their newborn flightless bird become the standard bearer for Brexitannia!

“We thought about reinventing the wheel with Brexit, but in the end we just decided to break it. But by resurrecting the Dodo and shouting about it to the world everyone will know what the United Kingdom now stands for! Even if we don’t!”

Enter today! You’re just one dead bird away from being as wealthy as a Tory Party donor during a plague!

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Downing Street report on Fatherhood finds Boris Johnson is the best example of a father

FATHERLAND : Go Daddy Go! It’s official, Boris Johnson is the best example of a possible it is father to find in the Kingdom United. And there’s nothing front to back it about!

“We’re all just gushing inside,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “His current alleged bit on the side, his girlfriend, his mistress, the woman who he sees quarterly, the ladies at that villa in Tuscany. his most recent fiancée and his ex-wives could not agree more. You know what tipped the scales?”

Don’t keep us in suspenders! What?

“It is said he let a donor pay for gold sheet for the nursery walls. I mean, what a dad? Most dad’s can’t be bothered with all the hassle of arranging the kickback, allegedly.”

The decision to declare Mr Johnson as the greatest example of fathering in the United Kingdom was apparently rather easy too.

“He had a committee of Downing Street staff investigate. Set it up and let them get on with it. Like he does with most of his offspring. You can’t stick around when you’ve got so much fathering to do, in so many houses!”

Did anyone else come into contention?

“Of course! Dominic Cummings came third for doing what any father would do in a pandemic. You know trips up motorways while sick with a potentially lethal virus. Eye tests at speed with your kid strapped in the back. Really outstanding work, like all of his efforts. And Stanley Johnson was the runner up.”

One would have expected that the older Johnson may have taken the gong?

“It was a close call. But no one could decide which country he’d be in when it is time to receive it.”

It’s quite a week for Downing Street.

“Yes. Johnson has solved racism and now he’s the greatest dad, purely by virtue of how many kids he’s gathered, both acknowledged and not.”

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The only person to ever hear Boris Johnson tell the truth destroyed in controlled nuclear explosion

GROUND ZERO : The United Kingdom is advised to sleep easier this evening after irreversible action was taken to protect the Prime Minister.

Shortly after 5am this morning in a subterranean nuclear test facility in Pembrokeshire a small thermonuclear device was detonated with a man strapped to the outside.

The identity of the man has not been made public, but it is understood he was transformed into his component atoms and smashed further. This transformative experience means he will no longer ever be able to talk about what he knows about the prime minister.

“The man will certainly be missed by some, but as his name will now be scrubbed from public record, we are confident that he will soon be forgotten. His dangerous knowledge having gone with him into the afterlife.”

It’s believed the nuclear explosion was necessary because the man was the only keeper of one of the prime minister’s darkest secrets.

“He once heard Boris Johnson tell the truth. Had he ever spoken about the experience it would risk the entire edifice of British politics. The truth is not a commodity valued by the Prime Minister. Should you get an inkling that it is you may begin to expect he should keep to it. This would lead to a rapid failure of a system of governance designed around deception and gaslighting. The man and the nuclear weapon had to have their special moment together.”

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Downing Street report finds Boris Johnson is the greatest bridge builder in the history of the United Kingdom

MENTAL ENGINEERING : THE CHESTS OF BRITONS ARE SWELLING WITH PRIDE today after a completely sincere and honest study found that current Prime Minister Boris Johnson is the greatest bridge builder in the history of the UK.

The study was untaken after some people suggested that he may be the exact opposite of a builder, actually more a wrecker. Someone who just launches feasibility studies for massive projects because that’s a handy way of handing out public money with zero expectation of a return.

“How can he not be the greatest bridge builder?” a 10 Downing Street source demanded. “Just think of the sheer scale of bridges he has suggested. He’s always talking about building them.”

While the bridges are exclusively of the mind, the committee undertaking the study didn’t care about that.

“Tens of millions of taxpayers’ money has been spent conducting feasibility studies and doing up designs. That counts for a lot.”

But critics have suggested that people working for a man who builds no bridges are not best placed to undertake a study of this kind. There is a risk of a lack of impartiality. Especially when the head of the study has previously written a lot about what a great builder Johnson is, even without ever building anything.

“That’s just jealous people talking. I bet they haven’t even built a double decker bus out of empty wine crates, let along suggested building a bridge across the Irish Sea. Slackers. Dead cat producers.”

There was no mention of who the second biggest bridge builder is, because no one else matters in Boris Johnson’s England.

And here, completely unrelated to this article, is a clip of the prime minister refusing to shake hands with two black men at a Conservative Party Conference.

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Boris Johnson self-portrait sells for £2.6m

I DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ART, BUT I KNOW WHAT I LIKE: Infamous wine box painter Boris Johnson has struck again. He has produced a self portrait which had been sold for a world beating sum. 

An anonymous buyer has paid £2.6m for the artwork. It’s current whereabouts are unknown, but rumour places it blu-tacked to the walk-in fridge at 10 Downing Street. 

LCD Views’ Painting Corner correspondent wanted to find out more, and sought an expert in the field. 

“This self portrait is of the Primary School school of art,” claimed art critic Michaelangelo Myarse. “But if you look deeper, there are hidden meanings and some profound symbolism.” 

Go on then, I’ll bite. Please explain further. 

“If you regard the Work with a sufficient degree of rotation, the characteristically ruffled hair takes on the semblance of a bunch of bananas,” explained Myarse. “Here you may infer a moderate curvature, which harks back to Mr Johnson’s struggles with EU regulations. The mere presence of the fruit indicates a deep spiritual growth, the yellow colour is a bold primary shade that demonstrates Mr Johnson’s desire for strength and simplicity.”

But it’s unfinished. You see the outlines of the hair, or bananas, in pencil. It hasn’t even been coloured in properly! 

“That’s the Primary School style,” chided Myarse. “The seemingly sloppy presentation indicates an untrammelled intellect. The most valuable Primary School works are by artists whose refusal to be constrained by an outline shows a desire to think outside the box.” 

It doesn’t even resemble Johnson. 

“It doesn’t have to, that’s the beauty of this school of art,” said Myarse. “The broad smile represents the artist’s great confidence and happy go lucky nature. It is one of the Great Works of the Primary School school, executed with the traditional media of A4 printer paper, clipboard, and child’s paintbox!” 

In other words, it is incredibly expensive tat. Doubtless it will end up in the Brexit Museum.