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BREAKING : Inquiry finds Prime Minister Boris Johnson lied when he gave a statement over accusations he lied about lying regarding a case of him lying about lying

PANTS FIRE ETERNAL : SHOCKING news today with the announcement of an inquiry into whether or not the last British prime minister, Boris Johnson, lied.

Shortly after 6am GMT today at an abandoned warehouse in a derelict docklands area a press conference was held with nobody present to announce the result of the inquiry.

We watched a live stream of the event as we could not afford the armoured car and security detail needed to navigate our way into and out of the unknown area.

We can exclusively present an excerpt of the inquiry’s findings below.

“It will not surprise to many who have watched the career of the UK’s court jester come king to hear we have concluded that the prime minister lied when he gave a statement over accusations he lied about lying regarding a case of him lying about lying relating to an appearance in the House of Commons wherein he is accused of lying when he gave a statement about a charge of lying about lying over an earlier incident where he lied when addressing accusations that he was lying over the findings of a study into him lying about lying to do with a situation where he claimed he misspoke, but as he had repeated the same statements numerous times, in various forms and contexts, it has been decided he was lying when he addressed the issue of whether he lied or told the truth about lying regarding charges he lied when addressing the accusations that he was lying about lying…”

Unfortunately we only have the excerpt of the press conference regarding the result of the inquiry as midway way through the statement the feed was cut and a photo of a shimmering Union Jack took its place.

The findings of the inquiry will be shocking to any intelligent life form existing beyond Bettlegeuse when the footage eventually reaches their receivers light years from now.

The prime minister is expected to address the inquiries later with a minimum of four flags behind him to distract you from the fact that whatever he says, he’ll probably be lying.

You’ll be able to decide this for yourself by watching very closely to see whether nor not his lips are moving.

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“The least India could do is send us our vaccines after we gave them railways” – Downing Street

CAN WE STILL BLAME THE EU : Downing Street is set to flex its intellectual muscles against India after the later decided to prioritise its own citizens ahead of the people who civilised it.

“Bloody ungrateful” was heard flying about the seat of English global power, along with “and after all the tigers we shot for them too?”

Vaccine nationalism is the latest plague to strike the planet, along with darned clever science boffins inventing plague vaccines before anyone had time to scale up production for it.

“Quite why India thinks it can treat us like this is beyond me?” a baffled 10 Downing Street source commented. “Boris was going to send Modi a papier-mâché cricket bat he made too. A gesture of goodwill and all that. In advance of Liz Truss inviting him to take a weight off his mind and rejoin the British Empire.

There’s fears Queen Elizabeth II, or Empress of India, may have to get involved if the distant colony doesn’t do what’s best for Britain.

“Why can’t they follow our example and put Britain first? We basically civilised them and by the time we left, in short order they had three whole new, happy countries where once there was barely even one.”

Other countries limiting export of vaccinations to the U.K. does seem to be a theme and one that is causing no little amount of ill will.

“We gave them railways. What did they ever do for us?” the source wanted to know. “Just some shiny stones, a national cuisine, millions of men for our armed forces over centuries. This and that. We drew the lines on the maps! It’s a bit rum for them to now stop OUR vaccines from crossing them just to favour their own citizens.”

But all is not lost.

“We can still blame the EU. We will get the Mail, Express and Telegraph to claim India is about to join the trading bloc and this is just more spite intended to slow down the creation of Empire 2.0. Which by the way, India is still welcome to join. It would be a shot in the arm for them. No doubt about that. We could run their railways for them again. Just like we do at home.”

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BREAKING : Downing Street blame EU for blocking Black Death vaccines from entering U.K. in mid-1300’s

DIPLOMATIC BUBONIC : DOWNING STREET have sought to engorge the pustule that is its relations with the European Commission today by adding another charge to the sheet of imagined European Commission crimes.

In a press conference at the completely new and necessary press briefing room in 10 Downing Street the PM’s human shield accused the EC of being in the “business of blocking vaccines entering the U.K. for centuries”.

While no documentary, or even folklore evidence, of the U.K. exporting plague vaccines to the Continent has ever been discovered, the focus was on the other side of the Channel.

“As far back as the mid-14th century the Commission were playing vaccine nationalism,” the method of socially distancing the PM from scrutiny said. “If it wasn’t for Brexit towns and villages throughout England would still be plagued by Yersini pestis.”

The charge will raise eyebrows across the Channel, mostly among people whose responsibility it is to pay attention to the offshore colony of global kleptocracy, just in case anything sane is said.

“While hardworking, British men and women struggled to defeat the Black Death the unelected officials in Brussels were blocking the export of cats to the United Kingdom.”

What wasn’t explained was what the British government itself was doing at the time to suppress the rodent population, in the hope of eradicating the fleas carrying the killer virus.

Questions have been raised over the U.K. government strategy for dealing with one of the biggest killers of medieval England, with the King at the time, Boris Johnson, believed to have flirted for a while with an insane idea of just letting the pestilence sweep through the population. This was based on the premise that only peasants would die.

“I wouldn’t worry about the export of cats,” one specialist noted. “Nationalism, obsession with controlling borders, ideological purity and flawed men attempting to elevate themselves were the biggest killers in the Medieval Period. The U.K. still needs a vaccine against all that.”

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Downing Street to stage Battle of Agincourt re-enactment in vaccine war warning to Ursula von der Leyen

CUTTING YOUR OWN BOWFINGERS OFF TO SPITE THEIR FACE : DOWNING STREET is having a great time this week manufacturing a vaccine war of words with the European Commission, and it shows no sign of backing off.

The necessity of having the EU as the national bogeyman has not lessened with getting Brexit done, it has only increased the need to do it, so no one looks at the damage Downing Street has caused by getting Brexit done.

“Vaccine wars will only last so long,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We need to make the most of them while we can. We need every credulous minor celebrity with a Twitter account to catch the nationalist bug and spread disinformation for us. To this end we’re going to give them something to really tweet about.”

The something appears to be re-enacting the famous of Battle of Agincourt in the early 15th century when famous English king, Welsh born Henry V, really stuck it to the French!

“For the re-enactment Boris Johnson will dress up as Henry V and Rishi Sunak has spared no expense kitting all the Tory MPs out as long bows and arrows. This has been done because they’re all absolute weapons!”

But who is going to play the French forces in the re-enactment?

“Pfizer vaccine phials. The English forces will bear the AZ insignia and it’s clear because of the British link to the vaccine that they will triumph. It’s basic historical understandings.”

Quite what the EC will make of the move isn’t clear. But if they don’t start paying proper attention to all our manufactured tantrums will move on from Agincourt to the time of Henry VI when we pretty much lost it all.

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Are you a Union Jack Off? Take our quiz to find out!

TESTING TIMES REQUIRE TESTS : There’s a lot of talk about flags these days, as the United Kingdom rides on its unicorn across the sunlit uplands of Brexit.

Too many flags some say. Even humble vegetables have to scream out their patriotism. Not enough flags others are clearly thinking, because the old flag of Union is popping up more and more. We thought we would devise a quick quiz to help you decide if you’re getting it just right with your visible displays of patriotic fervour.

This is important because if you don’t wrap yourself in the flag people may not lend sufficient credibility to what you say. People may question your motives. But if the flag is present you are instantly, magically imbued with all of its positive associations. More importantly, no one can then contradict anything you say or do!

Of course simple flag displays may not be enough for you to prove how much you love your country. You could go further and simulate the physical act of love with the flag, as the former President Donald Trump did on stage in America. Certainly a master of the flagshag.

But what about you?

We are all about helping you today. Please take a moment to take our quiz and decide if you are a Union Jack Off!

QUIZ

Question 1. “Do you display the Union Jack in your living room? Or an alternative room in your house when you know that other people will be watching you over Zoom?”

Answer : Yes – CONGRATULATIONS! You are a Union Jack Off! You are well on your way to tarnishing the United Kingdom’s flag by associating it with all the grubby little things you are doing! Based on this answer we suspect you maybe a serving UK parliamentary representative? Please claim £1.01 on expenses for your time taking this quiz.

Answer : No – Ms Patel will see you later. And unless you work for her you can not expect a six figure, taxpayer funded pay off to keep you quiet about what happens during the meeting.

Get yourselves a flag and shag it! You too can be a Union Jack Off today!

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U.K. Gov release language app “Monolingual” to prepare British youth for Empire 2.0

INGERLAND FOR THE INGERLISH : Exciting developments happen every day in the fully independent, sovereign, free trading, international law breaking powerhouse off the coast of continental Europe and today is no different!

Later today the prime minister’s spokesperson will take to the forrin built podium in the totally necessary Downing Street briefing room to announce today’s big surprise. But we can give you the scoop in advance!

“We’ve spent £800m developing a language app that will prepare all Britons, and especially the youth, for the exciting possibilities now opening up like a chasm, thanks to Brexit.”

The app is littered with classic British symbolism.

“John Bull is the icon and a cartoon Winston Churchill will pop up now and again to invite you to celebrate colonialism, and of course, the war.”

Users of the app will be everyone in the U.K. as download and use will be compulsory by law.

“Learn such classic phrases as ‘DO. YOU. SPEAK. ENGLISH?’ and ‘TWO WORLD WARS AND ONE WORLD CUP’.”

But that’s not all, bonus exercises will have a historical theme that will leave you hysterical.

“WE GAVE YOU RAILWAYS” will be accompanied by such useful phrases as “CLASSIC BRITISH CUISINE” with photos of potatoes and turnips.

But there is one diplomatic add-on for those planning to conquer their holidays in the sun.

“POR FAVOR DOS CERVESAS PRONTO” will load you up with all you need for that Costa del Sol mini-break.

Download the app that will prepare you for Britain’s tomorrow like it was yesterday. Just look for “Monolingual” in the App Store.

“It has John Bull on the front because it’s full of it!”

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Bust of Kim Jong-un placed on PM’s desk to aid Liz Truss in trade talks with North Korea

ALL TRUSSED UP AND GOOD TO GO : Liz Truss sometimes seems a lonely figure, endlessly travelling the world looking to make some friends, but the PM has made a move today to demonstrate she is not alone.

Prior to her trip to North Korea next week to open trade talks with a “likeminded, Pacific nation neighbour” Boris Johnson has had a bust of the North Korean leader made and placed on his desk.

“It was Dominic Raab’s idea,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He knows how to charm pretty much anyone. That’s what he thinks. As he pays zero attention to any but himself he’s further convinced he’s very good at it.”

The placing of the despot’s bust on the PM’s desk is also seen as a warning shot across the bows of the new US administration.

“Biden doesn’t want to play ball? Well, let’s see how he likes a bust of Kim Jong-un in the background of staged photos of Johnson hard at work in Downing Street. They have to be staged, because he never is.”

Some have suggested though that the bust won’t necessarily help curry favour with the North Korean leader and will be seen as a sign of weakness on the part of the PM.

“That’s nonsense. We’re well on the way to adopting their policies on public protest and free speech. Kim Jong-un will be flattered. Birds of a feather and all that.”

If Liz Truss is successful in her mission to secure a FTA with North Korea it will also silence critics at home over the Johnson regimes loose handling of the public finances.

“Everyone is just lazily assuming we’re buying our extra nukes from the Americans. Pretty ignorant. It’s hardly likely they’ll sell Britain’s Trump additional power of mass destruction! But thanks to Kim Jong-un once having lunch with Matt Hancock back in the early 2000’s, U.K. Gov received a WhatsApp from North Korea inviting us to buy additional thermonuclear PPE on the cheap!”

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January renamed “Johnsonary” in honour of PM’s achievements – rest of world expected to concur

THE END OF TIME : The UK’s last and most impactful prime minister, Boris Johnson, is not content to just change his official title to ‘Caesar’, he is also taking another leaf out of the ancient ruler’s handbook.

“All world kings get to refurbish the calendar, it’s tradition. Why should it be any different for Boris Johnson?” a Downing Street source asked LCD Views.

We couldn’t think of any reason why not, so we agreed.

“Johnson art was the month the Prime Minister technically got Brexit done and freed our glorious country to re-civilise the world once more. It’s only fitting.”

And it’s not just Mr Johnson that Mr Johnson is honouring.

“He’s also renaming other dates in the calendar. September is now Symondsber in honour of his current squeeze. Whether or not she retains the title when he decides to sire another child and moves on is a problem for another day.”

Other key allies also get a look in, with Friday the 13th becoming a public holiday in honour of Priti Patel each time it occurs. Which is nice.

“We’re looking into renaming the days of the week too. The smart money is on selling the honours to Tory donors. Buy a day? What about Monday? Rename it after yourself. Most of them don’t know what to do with the PPE windfalls, so we expect a competitive market.”

What the rest of the world thinks of the PM’s plans isn’t clear though, with some concerned they may refuse to follow suit.

“Why do you think we’re buying extra nukes? The rest of the world will come to heel by next Johnsonary or we’ll ask the Yanks for the codes to the bad boys Johnson is spending the nurses’ pay rise on.”

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English dictionaries to remove the word Conscience

Ever since Samuel Johnson first put pen to paper, dictionaries have been one of the great bastions of the English language, there to help people in all walks of linguistic life.

Obviously modern dictionaries have come a long way since Johnson’s time, innit. Language is continually evolving, and there are many words in today’s dictionaries that Dr Johnson would marvel at, and probably define with the sentence “of this word I know not the meaning” in much the same way as his famous dictionary entry on the word trolmydames, which is underlined in red as I type this and in all conscience I can’t blame the computer!

But as well as being added to, words can occasionally be taken away, and one word I used in the preceding paragraph is going to be removed before too long, namely “conscience”. Other similar words like ethics and morals are also getting the chop, it has been reported.

There are alternative courses of action currently available to lexicographers, and indeed they are considering redefining such words as “those public-spirited characteristics of virtue that separate human beings from politicians”.

The reason for this is obvious. As MPs voted to curtail human rights with the anti-protest bill, the word is clearly alien to them. The prime minister himself, who shares his surname with the first dictionary compiler, has repeatedly stared blankly when asked questions that refer to that quantity and asked for a definition.

Conscience is evidently this Johnson’s version of trolmydames, which, for those of you who are curious, was an indoor bowling game (also spelled trollmydames or troll-my-dames).

Of course, if Johnson is planning on removing from the dictionary all the words he doesn’t understand, then the compilers will be able to print the next volume on a single sheet of paper.

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U.K. to buy 40% more nukes because “we didn’t have enough last time we used them”

BIG BOYS TOYS : The UK’s loaded weapon, Boris Johnson, is in the mood to go shopping. Not for food banks obviously, but for an even greater deterrent to living in the new world he is creating.

The particular item on the shopping list has the potential to degrade life even faster than the policies he and his party have helped bring in since 2010. He’s shopping for more nukes.

“Clearly we don’t have enough of them,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Look at all the attention North Korea has been getting just on the fear of a rogue state maybe possessing one? Imagine the world’s newest rogue nation with hundreds? Everyone will want to talk to us. It’s genius.”

Not being ignored by the other kids in the playground does seem to be the driving motivation. We’ve left the world’s largest trading bloc, and all the promises of a glorious new future now relies on what we can do alone. So we better do something potentially explosive.

“It’s about preparing the U.K. for the maddest of futures. If you don’t like us and what we’re doing look at our nuclear arsenal. Now you’re going to have to talk to us.”

It is clearly a way to also fulfil what appears to be Johnson’s primary directive as prime minister. Spending every last penny of the public purse on things that give his empty, maggot infested inner life a moment of passing pleasure. Nukes aren’t cheap. Much more expensive than nurses.

But there must be a deeper logic? Why do we need hundreds of them when just one has as much destructive power as Brexit?

“Anyone who has been paying attention knows we need to increase our stockpile by 40%,” the source explains. “Last time we got involved in a nuclear war we didn’t have anywhere near enough of them. It makes perfect sense.”

We send £350m a week to the EU, let’s leave and buy nuclear weapons instead. The famous bus has had another update.

“He’s not forgotten the NHS in all this,” the source adds. “A cartoon drawing of a nurse will be painted on every warhead.”

Boris Johnson’s U.K. isn’t MAD, it’s crazy. Money well spent.