LCD Views

BANANA REPUBLIC ON SEA : FANTASTIC NEWS FOR THE WESTMINSTER CONSTITENCY OF UXBRIDGE AND SOUTH RUISLIP TODAY with overnight reports of a potential coup.

The idea of toppling the UK’s dangerous joke of a Prime Minister was first floated in the White House late last year, but was put on the backburner after dangerous joke President Donald Trump attempted his own coup at home.

“With Trump safely barricaded and going steadily insane in Florida, vaccinations at pace across the USA and the US economy on the upturn the President now has time to consider other pressing matters,” a White House insider tells LCD Views. “Like what to do about perfidious Albion?”

What to do appears to be reach back into the classic US foreign policy playbook of the later half of the 20th Century.

“The President has ordered the CIA to work up plans to destabilise and ultimately topple Boris Johnson. One would have expected a democracy of the age of Britain’s to have a political class capable of doing it, but it does not seem so.”

Clearly the need to remove Mr Johnson is obvious, with his entire government repeatedly breaking the law and undermining the Western alliance. But it seems the extraordinary measure was triggered by something more basic.

“Did you see him yesterday? Doing his cartoon act next to the President and Dr Biden? It was all they could do to keep smiling. Embarrassing is not the word. You know when you become President you’re going to have to publicly put up with some nonsense to get the job done in private. But photoshoots with Boris Johnson and his current wife? Once is definitely enough.”

DO WHAT YOU LOVE BEST : Alarming news from Cornwall this morning with unconfirmed reports that Priti Patel has gone even more rogue than she was already.

Shortly before dawn a fleet of Home Office immigration enforcement vans were seen driving at speed towards the Tregenna Castle Resort where the G7 leaders are staying. It appears English police just waved them through as the Home Secretary herself was leading the raid and “cackling like a mad woman in a horror film”.

“It’s understood the Home Secretary just couldn’t take the thought of an influx of foreigners from many countries all arriving at once and being housed in style and feed at THE GREAT BRITISH TAXPAYERS’ EXPENSE!”

It’s not sure how the seizure of some of the most powerful people in the world will play across the tabloids, but it’s likely Rupert Murdoch won’t mind.

“The undocumented, illegal migrants are now being held in secure accommodation in Kent,” a Home Office statement reads. “The accommodation is definitely fit for human habitation with the series of rotating blades and pits of adders designed by Ms Patel personally.”

It’s not entirely clear how the global community will take the hostile act by Ms Patel, but it is believed she will have the backing of the Tory Party.

“The Conservative Party had no plan B for if Donald Trump lost the US election. Most of them are so far gone they’ll think this is genius and Trump will now stage a comeback.”

The one leader who it seems escaped the raid was New York born Boris Johnson who is said to have climbed out of his bedroom window and climbed down some old ivy hours before the raid.

“They’re saying he spied a blonde woman a few hundreds metres away and ran off to try and start a family with her. Lucky escape.”

BORIS JOHNSON IS A FAMOUS LIBERAL : The United Kingdom’s Prime Minister is leading the G7 this week with a display of the exciting possibilities of being elected to government.

While some daft people seem to expect elected governments not to break manifesto commitments unless circumstances prevent them being implemented, Mr Johnson isn’t having any of that boring nonsense. He’s showing the big boys that you can get elected and act like a tyrant and disregard all your prior promises.

“Breaking the manifesto commitment to maintain International Aid spending at a fraction of that committed to dodgy PPE deals with Tory donors is an example of democracy in action,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It will show Biden what he’s up against too when he tries to grab Boris by the ear and twist it over Northern Ireland. Look buddy, we’ll break whatever commitments we choose and it doesn’t matter if it potentially means dull people in faraway places die.”

The decision to lower Global Britain’s aid spending will hit some of the world’s poorest people where it hurts. Namely food, water and medicine. But No 10 has some sound advice.

“For too long we’ve given to places like Yemen with one hand and taken away with the other,” the source admits. “We both sell the bombs that are dropped on their civilian populations to devastating effect and we pay for them to drink clean water at the ensuing funerals. This is a key plank of our international business deals with arms sales. And I’d like to thank the Royals for hosting all those events to help us sell the arms. It’s a team effort at team GB!”

But what are the world’s poorest people supposed to do once the aid cuts bite?

“Don’t come here! Ha! Imagine the look on Patel’s face? No. Stay home and get into international arms sales yourself. We make billions and billions every year from them. Given how many of the bombs fall on the heads of the poor you’d think they’d have worked out it was good business by now!”