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Inquiry finds PM didn’t breach ministerial code as no one is going to do anything about it anyway

RULE OF FLAW : Once you lose your standards you’ve got nothing to lose and all to gain. This truism is the essential bedrock of governance in Boris Johnson’s Brexitannia. And even if you have all to lose, you don’t, because there are no longer any consequences. Which is nice, for some.

“It makes holding inquiries into accusations of breaches of codes and breaking of laws a cinch,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Even if the wrongdoing is so egregious we can’t possibly not find the accused guilty it doesn’t matter, we will just excuse the behaviour. The legal sector would go out of business tomorrow if the courts were run like Johnson’s Court. Happily for lawyers the double standards don’t apply to the plebs. Pay that parking fine or we’ll ruin you. Ruin our democracy and we’ll enrich you. Really enrich you if you can supply um, ah, PPE. Ha! Ha! Fucking plebs! Thanks! Ha! Ha! Ha! See how it works?”

Many do see how it works and the issue of zero consequences and a free for all for the powerful is becoming to feel more than a little feudal.

”Feudal is the right word. That’s Brexit for you. Thanks for letting it happen. What’s it like to be ruled by idiots who are fleecing the country and laughing in your face while they do it? No. Don’t tell me. I’ve got to WhatsApp Matt about some PPE, meet Priti behind the lockers to wedgie a subordinate and pay a gold wallpaper supplier.”

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I only broke the ministerial code in a specific and limited way, says Matt Hancock

ALL BREAKAGES MUST BE PAID FOR: Codebreaker extraordinaire Matt Hancock is trying to wriggle away from trouble again. His defence is that, on this occasion, the breakage was small and controlled. 

In modern terms, breaking the ministerial code in a specific and limited way carries a consequence. This is likely to be a pat on the head and a pay rise. 

Every sycophant and rentagobshite in the Conservative Party managed to drag their snout out of the magic money trough long enough to defend him. On the corruption scale, failing to notice that you own shares in your sister’s company while pushing piles on cash in her direction, apparently does not rank very highly. 

“It’s vital to place these events in context,” waffled one such arselicker, Lord Puceface of Gammon. “This may, technically, have been a slight breach, but it’s hardly a crime to support the family business, even without realising it.”

So this isn’t a resigning matter? 

“Oh my goodness, no!” exclaimed His Lordship. “One only resigns for really serious offences, like saying something positive about the EU, or having a crack at Princess Nut Nuts while Boris is off rogering one of his regular fillies.” 

Does it not bother you that Hancock has siphoned off public money to his own sister, and then pretended not to know about it? 

“We are talking a paltry few mill here,” replied Puceface. “A trifling sum, easily overlooked. Now I have known young Hancock since he was a little boy, he works tirelessly for this country and only greases palms when it’s absolutely necessary. Nobody died, that’s what we must focus upon. There is no victim here!” 

Apart from UK taxpayers, and the reputation of the government and the UK. 

Maybe Hancock should be sacked in a specific and limited way. After all, he only does his job in a specific and limited way. 

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BREAKING : Downing Street orders new Eurofighters renamed Spitfire Mark 2.0

THE FLAG WHO SHAGGED ME : Downing Street is set to announce a special public holiday for Monday next week to celebrate the unveiling of our increased offensive capacity.

The cause of celebration is the unveiling of the UK’s new Eurofighter jets, which are now repainted with so many Union Flags no one could possibly take them seriously as an attack aircraft.

“We need everyone to get the Union Flag bunting out and wave it all at once all together,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “This way the fighters will camouflage seamlessly with the landscape below and no enemy will ever be able to spot them with even the most powerful satellites. We can all do our bit. Buses need flags too. And dogs need flag jackets. Basically just flags. Flags. Flags. Because we’re a serious country now, thanks to Brexit.”

But while all our thrilled that the pan European project has been completed successfully the name of the fighters is said to be of serious concern.

“Eurofighter isn’t a great look. It suggests we can achieve things working in partnership with other European countries. Which is wrong. They’re now the enemy.”

Happily the geniuses governing us have a solution.

“We are announcing later today that the Eurofighter is now the Great British Spitfire Mark 2.0. This way nostalgia will blend seamlessly with our new strategy of being so ridiculous that no one will ever take us seriously enough to attack.”

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Country that pursued Brexit baffled why liars lying are now hardwired into its politics

NOTES FROM A SMALLER ISLAND : REPORTS ARE SURFACING today of an intense sense of bafflement in an ever shrinking far right colony off the coast of Europe. The confusion appears to centre on how the politics of the ever reducing pin point became so corrupted by liars.

“No one knows how it happened,” one commentator relates. “Every day and every minister just seems set to total, 100% bullshit mode the entire time. Clearly I supported Brexit as the will of the people. So I’m just completely baffled.”

The sense of confusion is only deepened by both of the major political parties on the little island still validating Brexit. In spite of the obvious and enduring harm it causes and the fact it was sold with lies.

“The liar is chief is sky high in the polls. Which is baffling,” one opposition MP commented. “I mean we had to help get Brexit done because democracy is healthy when you decide your entire future on a criminally corrupted opinion poll.”

How to stop the liars lying is also increasingly discussed by anyone who is paying attention, who isn’t profiting off the lying.

Happily though there are no current signs of the official opposition turning on Brexit and calling it out for the fraudulent omnishambles that it is.

“That suits the chief liars perfectly. And from that they’ll profit,” another commentator noted. “Until the great lie is challenged the liars will go on lying and the country will go on shrinking in size. Which is nice”

Anyone fed to the back teeth with the unending train of idiocy is advised to forget about it and help make a success of Brexit!

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Matt Hancock says he will now wear his underwear on top at all times

DRESS FOR SUCKESS : The UK’s very own superhero, Matt “Life Saver” Hancock, has announced he has undergone a dramatic makeover to bring his public image into line with his rich, internal fantasy life.

Previously Mr Hancock has been dressed like your average mortal, but now thanks to his inspiring and tireless efforts during the pandemic he’s going to dress how he wants to be seen.

“It doesn’t matter when danger strikes,” Matt will tell the press later today. “It can be at night, it can be in the morning, it can be at lunchtime, it can be early evening, maybe around supper time, or even elevenses, I will be there for you. I won’t be watching Don’s character assassination of me because I’ll be saving lives. The financial lives of party donors mostly. Whether you need a multi-billion pound transfer authorised as part of a dodgy PPE deal. Or maybe you’re a nurse who will just perish if they don’t get a ‘Care’ badge? I will save you. And if you’ve ever bought me a pint I’ll save you the time of WhatsApping me for a PPE contract. Hold fast! I’m on the way.”

The new look is said to be modelled on the classic dress designs favoured by the iconic, life saving superheroes of the last century.

“You will know when you see me swooping passed a care home as fast as I can go that you saw me because my underwear will be worn on top of my trousers from here on. Look up in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It’s one of the worst mortality rates on earth in the pandemic!”

Critics have been quick to point out though that simply wearing his underwear on top will not bring back the dead.

”When I stand too close to you and invade your personal space like a complete weirdo you won’t be worrying about catching a killer cold. You’ll be looking for a means of escape!”

Up! Up! And away! It’s not just any old cock! It’s Matt Hancock! And yes, that is a sock and he is happy to see you!

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Matt Hancock says he didn’t watch Dominic Cummings testimony as he was busy “saying lies”

MATT DOOR MATT : Dominic Cummings shocked anyone paying attention yesterday by not gaslighting, for a while. The weirdness of hearing testimony which matches lived experience led to a feeling of elation for many. You are not going crazy. Your impression of the Johnson government as a toxic, shambling shit shower of unnecessary death is correct. Yippe!

Not everyone was happy though. Not supporters of Matt “the men who died on those beaches” Hancock, who came in for some heavy, heavy petting from former super genius Dom.

”Matt doesn’t know what Dom said about him yet. He was too busy operating on a higher plain. You should see him when he revs up. It’s like watching a force of nature. You ever left an apple so long in a fruit bowl that it slowly shrivels, gets mouldy, the insides liquify and leak out, then there’s just a blackened and dried out curl of something almost unidentifiable? Like that. That’s Matt.”

How Matt will react when he learns that Cummings says he is an incompetent liar who should have been sacked 15-20 times isn’t entirely clear. Rage isn’t plausible. He may get angry, but apart from crowding out your personal space he is not credible as a physical threat.

“He’ll lie of course,” Matt’s supporter reveals. “He’ll say something ridiculous like he didn’t watch as he was saving lives. Not a shred of credibility about the statement, but he’ll say it. It’s what he does. He lies. It’s how he honours those men who died on the beaches. He’s very special.”

Perhaps a more honest statement from Matt would be that he didn’t watch as he was out there “saying lies”.

“But that would be honest. That’s not how you manage a pandemic, except when you’re replying to messages about PPE contracts on WhatsApp.”

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Cummings takes lead in ‘2021 No Shit Sherlock Awards’ with statement “Boris is as shit as you think he is”

BIRDS OF A FEATHER : SUPER GENIUS DOMINIC CUMMINGS put in what many are calling a ‘World Beating’ performance today when he ramped up the palace coup against outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson by putting in his entry for the 2021 No Shit Sherlock Awards.

In a dazzling performance that broke the brains of many client journalists and professional sycophants Mr Cummings laid the blame for the UK’s shambolic pandemic response firmly at the door of Boris Johnson. And Matt Hancock. He did so with a series of illuminating statements.

“It wasn’t me Guv. I was there. But it was the fat kid” being a perfect body blow to the blubber of death in 10 Downing Street, previously famous for ridiculously priced wallpaper. Oh and Brexit. Oh and a garden bridge. Oh and a chumocracy that makes the eyes bleed.

Mr Cummings did occasionally deviate to kick in the teeth of Matt Hancock, as already stated. Noticeably absent was Britain’s next prime minister Michael Gove and Rishi “Eat Out To Die Out” Sunak. This is presumably because Dom needs them to think they’re safe from his sociopathic rage, so they also join in attacking Johnson.

But his stellar moment came when he lodged his entry into the No Shit Sherlock Awards.

“Boris, you know, he’s as shit as you think he is” Mr Cummings said, even if it took him six hours to say it. It was a shot at the title that few will come close to competing with, even though there are still many months left.

We asked the judging panel of the annual award for their reaction to Mr Cummings’ entry into the competition.

“He basically just said water is wet. But we’ll accept the entry. That’s the whole point of the awards.”

Boris is as shit as you think he is. So too, is Dominic Cummings. Let’s not get confused.

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BREAKING : Downing Street says “It’s time to move on” from Cummings’ viral testimony”

DETONATE THE SMART DOMB : 10 Downing Street has responded to the damning accusations of the Prime Minister’s former advisor Dominic Cummings.

In a press conference in the Rose Garden a short time ago the Prime Minister’s rental dog, Dylin, moved to alleviate pressure on the embattled PM.

“Woof woof woof woof,” the hourly rate canine said, in what critics immediately declared a rehearsed speech.

Whether or not the show of support by Dylin will be enough to see him rehired is anyone’s guess, but it’s clearly nice to see man’s best friend stand by him, even when he’s a rental. Just like the PM.

Tory MPs though have been quick to crawl around the press holding photos of the prime minister’s bulging arse and licking them in the hope of becoming Health Secretary.

It’s not clear if Mr Cummings’ explosive testimony will make amends for being thick enough to help someone so clearly incompetent into Downing Street. But it’s believed his genuine claim to actually be pretty thick himself and a complete fantasist “who couldn’t cope with reality and power at the same time” will help.

“It was a multi-layered performance by Dom,” a Westminster insider said. “Plea bargain, blame shift, vengeance, palace coup and doing the work of whoever he really works for all at once. Will it be enough to get him off the hook? Doubt it. But it’s nice to see him put the boot in all the same. Hell hath no fury like a superforecaster who didn’t forecast his own political end!”

For his part Michael Gove has offered the PM his full support, which clearly means he and Ms Gove are preparing to move into No. 10.

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Claims PM wanted to be infected with CV19 live on TV dismissed – “He opted for a lobotomy instead”

SHITSHOW STEAMROLLER : Downing Street have reacted angrily today to claims Prime Minister Boris Johnson had planned to be infected with the killer virus of our times live on television.

While not outright denying the rumour they have nonetheless reacted forcefully after the story was leaked, presumably by Bojo’s one time BFF Dom. Classic.

“Who hasn’t come up with a mad scheme while completely hammered?” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Have you seen the sheer number of traffic cones and policeman’s helmets littering the insides of 10 Downing Street? But to do such a daft and dangerous thing as deliberately inject yourself with a potentially lethal virus? You’d have to be a complete idiot. This is injecting bleach levels of stupid. It wouldn’t be an example of Blitz Spirit. The Prime Minister decided in the end to contract the virus by acting like a complete idiot instead. We got where we were going in the end.”

The method chosen eventually to catch the heavy, heavy cold was to go to a hospital and shake hands with everybody inside. Then wait. Dither. Delay. Use boosterism and false bravado to encourage a relaxed attitude in the credulous. Wait for the fever in the night.

“Admittedly that was incredibly stupid too. But in the PM’s defence he had just had a lobotomy live on TV. You all saw it. It happened when he floated the idea of just letting the virus sweep through the community. Take it on the chin. Back in the innocent days of herd immunity as policy because none of the people making the key decisions in the executive had a shred of common sense. British or otherwise. Only the PM took the lobotomy in the standard way, through the side of his head.”

And a little over a year later 150,000 are dead.

“In the PM’s defence, last year’s lobotomy wasn’t his first. He had an ethical, moral and spiritual one decades ago.”

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Culture Minister lists “voting for lies on buses” as prime example of British values!

QUEUE POLITELY AT FOOD BANK PLEASE : THE CULTURE MINISTER Oliver Dowden is famous for having been bred specially for his job in a tub of British made yoghurt and it’s given him special insight into the culture of our country.

Happily he is willing to share his knowledge and to urge the BBC to help him celebrate British values, at risk of being broken down into component parts and flogged off.

To help the BBC in its task of banging the drum for Blighty Mr Dowden has drawn up a list of the British values that we will now all celebrate. Unless we wish to be taken to a re-education camp.

“Queuing. Politely at food banks,” Mr Dowden will regale the country with later, as he unleashes his agenda. “Also having to be shamed by footballers into feeding hungry children. That is a contemporary value. It just feels Victorian. Calling MPs fancy names and titles. Very British. Electing the most disreputable figure we can find in our political life as Prime Minister. It really shows us off to the world.”

The list is clearly going to be a long one as what we value is displayed by how we are currently behaving both at home and abroad.

“Cutting foreign aide in the middle of a global pandemic. That shows how we value charity. Decreasingly. Oh and letting Priti Patel loose on asylum seekers. Just fantastic.”

But there is one action in recent years that really nails contemporary Great Britain and it needs to be celebrated.

“Voting for liars and following their agenda. We really value that. Just look at all the people who voted for a giant lie on a bus! And look where we are now. The British value of a great sense of humour has never been more needed.”