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BREAKING : PM holds reception with new English football team he made out of empty wine crates

FANTASY FOOTBALL : News reports this week suggest world beating Prime Minister Boris Johnson has declined to entertain the English football team in the 10 Downing Street Rose Garden, even though he lets pretty much anyone else going by in.

Critics of the PM suggest that it’s because his failure to support the team early on in the Euros when some “fans” were booing the players taking the knee means he could hardly ask them around for a bbq now. But those critics fail to take into account that Mr Johnson’s neck is 100% brass and he could have fronted it out if he wanted to.

“The players told him to get stuffed and to take Priti Patel with him,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “I mean, the man is a disgrace to his office and a disgrace to civilisation. He has a long history of racist language and he gave the nod to the fans booing the players because he thought it would play well to his base. Well it turns out his base in this instance is a bloody sight smaller than he thought. Thank God.”

It’s also likely that the players, who appear fairly savvy politically, would have been aware that Mr Johnson would have leveraged any function with them to boost his own reputation. They weren’t going to used by the fatberg for his cynical damage control. But all is not lost for the beleaguered PM.

“It’s all good. He’s made another English football team out of empty wine crates. He’s got too many arts and crafts supplies anyway. He makes them constantly. So the new team and Mr Johnson will have a tea party together and he’ll be just fine with his make believe friends.”

But while an admirable attempt to move on from being snubbed by the fantastic young team, the arts and crafts team are also drawing criticism.

“Okay. Yes. The new team is all white players. But that’s down to the grapes Mr Johnson has been drinking. It’s all Sauvignon and Chardonnay and so on. You try making anything other than a blanc out of that! Any rumours the back of 10 Downing Street is overflowing with empty bottles of red is completely untrue.”

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“I went into public service to dismantle the public health service” – inheritance millionaire Tory MP in touching tell all interview

HEARTFELT : The Johnson government brings its much anticipated NHS reform bill to the nodding dogs in the kennel called Westminster today as it edges closer to the greatest prize in Conservative politics, the dismantling of a public health service free at the point of use.

While some gasp noticeably at the thought of the UK health system going the way of the US, it is public service which drives the Tory MPs in the quest to leave you to die if you can’t afford cancer treatment. LCD Views spoke to one of the backbench MPs who will vote with the government to learn more.

“People need to take responsibility for their health,” Baron Insurhance Grifft Montgomery Subsidee told LCD Views. The Baron is the oldest son of seven and spoke to us in the grounds of ‘The House’, an ironic name for his family’s one hundred room ancestral home in rural Hertfordshire.

“It’s all very well to wake up every day alive and well and then expect the state to pick up the pieces when you wake up unwell.”

Baron Insurhance has long been troubled by the existence of the NHS.

“From an early age I saw the loss of productivity the mere existence of the NHS causes in the British workforce, which are idle enough as it is! I recall distinctly the day as a bright eyed and bushy tailed four year old I could not go duck shooting on our pond. Nanny was ‘at the doctors’ for some ghastly medical procedure. If she had to pay for the treatment would I have been left to drag the family blunderbuss down to the water’s edge on my own? I think not. People need to take responsibility for the accident of their birth. Just like I did when I inherited the wealth gained by my hardworking ancestors in the late 11th century. Supplemented by later generations who took full advantage of the sugar industry and after that supplying opium to the eager Orientals.”

One of the big gains hidden within the legislation is removing the statutory responsibility of the state to provide hospital care.

“There will still be hospitals. Any suggestion to the contrary is fearmongering. Just they’ll be more efficient hospitals branded with exciting new names of companies from the United States. The British are about to enjoy a very special relationship with healthcare. I’lll be only too happy to help you finance the removal of your child’s appendix. After all, if you can’t afford children, you shouldn’t breed like rabbits! Mind you, the way child mortality will go once we’ve finished with the NHS, you may need to knock a few more out to have a spare.”

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Decision to close archaeology departments based on discovery “Cheddar Man wasn’t white”

THE PAST BEST LEFT UNEXAMINED : The news that Sheffield University Archaeology Department is the first to close as a result of the Tory government’s funding cuts to universities has the champagne corks hitting the ceiling at the Department of Education.

It’s long been recognised that the greatest contemporary threat to the kind of Britain Boris Johnson and chums want to create lies in the past. More specifically “learning from the past”. Near or far. Happily in Mr Williamson the PM has a willing foot soldier in the war against understanding, because “he understands nothing”.

The surface reasons given for the closure are government pressure to cut costs as a result of Tory changes to the way higher education is funded. Additionally there is pressure to cut student numbers to lower unpaid student debt levels, which is also the fault of Tory changes to the way universities are funded. But the big prize is not spending less money educating our nation’s children, but in what they will never learn.

“The girly swots did it to themselves,” a source inside the Department for Education told LCD Views. “Can you imagine the shock inside the Conservative Party when it was announced that in all probability Cheddar Man wasn’t white? The first Englishman wasn’t white? That’s a completely unacceptable discovery. So too the discoveries across Europe that ancient Europeans were generally a lot darker than we thought. Throwing in a pair of blue eyes is not sufficient to compensate for the trauma felt within the party ranks.”

It’s hoped the closure at Sheffield of a department ranked 12th in the world will show other universities which way they need to travel.

“Hopefully we can completely abolish the humanities, arts, useless sciences like archaeology and have universities which are solely focused on raising rents from students. That’s the ultimate aim.”

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Tory MPs demand footballers focus on football and stop kicking MPs’ arses at politics

SPORT OF KINGS : Tory MPs are up in arms today after they received yet another thrashing at the hands of people they assume are their inferiors.

It’s been a rough run of late for the team at CCHQ United as time after time they’ve come up against a single footballer and been thrashed. Many had said they should have conceded the School Meals Cup to Marcus Rashford and kept their dignity intact, but they were ignored. Repeatedly. The next decision to seek payback in a winner take all contest over anti-racism protests pitted Johnson and his team of donkeys against the entire English football team. The result went against the plucky squad of MPs from Little England, even with a whole squad of hard right gobshite ringers in the media establishment on their side.

There are not yet public rumours of a need to change the management at CCHQ, but that doesn’t mean many aren’t looking at their bluffer in chief and wondering if someone capable of forecasting further than their next alcoholic beverage may be a better strategist?

While the whiteboard is put up and the pens grabbed to form a new strategy undaunted Tory MPs are taking to social media as if they weren’t just thrashed completely yesterday.

“The demand for footballers to keep out of politics and stick to football is an understandable one,” a source inside CCHQ told LCD Views. “We can’t take it anymore. They keep handing us our arses! Who knew they would be so good at politics?”

Other sources are suggesting that if the MPs are so keen to spare their blushes and keep footballers out of the political arena they might try governing the country with an ounce of compassion for those less fortunate? But that is unlikely to be advice that is heeded and more rematches, and more thrashings for the Tories are expected.

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BREAKING : BRITISH PM Boris Johnson’s refusal to support taking one knee sees him on both

SWINGS AND ROUNDABOUTS : Alarming reports from the Westminster village today suggest that the UK’s world beating Prime Minister Boris Johnson is going to need a salve for knee burns.

While the notorious Casanova of British politics is allegedly no stranger to leg based injuries while chasing other people’s partners about, today’s injuries are of an entirely different nature.

“It’s fitting really,” one seasoned Westminster watcher commented, “the PM’s refusal to lend support to sportsmen taking one knee as a protest against racism how sees him down on both knees. Who could possibly have foreseen that it would come back to haunt him, as he and the Home Secretary emboldened the worst of the English population.”

Culture war blowback does seem to have been sudden and overwhelming after the English footballers lost the Euro2020 final on Sunday night and racists exploded across social media to attack them.

“It’s not fair really,” the watcher went on, “when all you want to do is loot the state with your mates and people expect you to be a government? And not only that, a government in the 21st century? Poor hand. The culture war was supposed to divide and rule the British people. But it seems turning it onto a young, professional, progressive, mixed ethnicity football team who espouse the best of English qualities has lead to some surprising blowback.”

In the PM’s defence, when he and his chums decided to bully the footballers they were hoping for a series of lewd, narcotic strewn stories to swirl around the team.

“Even that may not have been much help to Mr Johnson, had it occurred. Just look at the scandals surrounding the cabinet.”

We would wish the PM a speedy recovery from his self-inflicted burns, but that would be hypocrisy, and we’re not looking for a place in his government.

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PM to pick fight with Brussels to distract from culture war blowback which was distracting from pandemic

SPINNING PLATES FOR BRITAIN : GREAT NEWS from 10 Downing Street today that normality is set to return to life in the United Kingdom with the overnight decision to pick a new fight with Brussels.

Warships are expected to be deployed shortly to somewhere, anywhere really just as soon as it has been decided what fight to start.

“Maybe we’ll just renew one of the old ones,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “Although that’s getting a bit tricky as we’re paying the fishermen and farmers to shut up about the harm Brexit is doing to them. We may have to go with something to do with vaccines, but we made such a fuss over that already and it’s blown up a little in our faces too, now that we’re falling behind. We wanted to accuse them of throttling the supply of pallets to the country, but then our supporters in NI burned all of them. Government is getting harder by the day! Never mind I’m sure Boris and Frosty can think of something over a late champagne breakfast. Just as soon as Carrie wakes Boris up and gives him his bottle.”

What is certain is that the fight will have to ramped up rapidly after the culture war blew up in the government’s face.

“That’s a real act of God that is. We were using the culture war as a cover for our botched, pseudo science based management of the pandemic. All those dead people. All so unnecessary. All so zzzz for the swivel eyed members of the governing party. And the pandemic was cover for Brexit. But we have not hit a dead end. We’ll just go back to our starting position and fight with Brussels again.”

People across the country are expected to lend their support to Boris Johnson and his government.

“Blame Brussels. Bang your head on kitchen cupboard? Brussels! Get caught cheating at cards? Brussels! Just like the PM said years back, most of our problems are of our own making, but we blame Brussels. He knew it then and he knows it now that most of our problems are of his making.”

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PM says his columns using racist tropes were hacked – “all my work has been written by someone else”

IT WASN’T ME GUV : British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is on the receiving end of some surprising criticism for encouraging racism today, in the wake of the appalling abuse of England’s football team following Sunday night’s Euro2020 final. Following the final whistle some of the UK’s world leading gammon took to social media to heap racist abuse on a team which has exceeded expectations.

Happily for Global Britain though, as it showcases itself to the world, the PM has a ready explanation for his use of racist tropes in much of his back catalogue of published writing.

“My accounts have been hacked, all of them,” Mr Johnson told a press briefer yesterday evening. “I haven’t written a single word ever. Nothing that has ever appeared with my byline was written by me. It’s an absolute scandal and the police should have found the culprit, or culprits long before now.”

When asked how he could not have noticed articles appearing with his name under them using racist tropes to demean Muslim women, or decidedly colonial language when talking about the continent of Africa, Mr Johnson shrugged and hit back, “You try being drunk your entire career and see if you notice an article with your name on it using homophobic language? Or suggesting eugenics by way of population control. Bit bloody ticklish when you find yourself in command of a pandemic strategy leading to one of the planet’s worst death tolls! Ha!”

While the PM’s explanation will satisfy many, as he is a famous slacker and there has been considerable doubt about how much work he actually does, not everyone is satisfied.

“He’ll be telling us the pandemic strategy has been hacked next,” one disgruntled insider commented, “right about the time the irreversible lifting of restrictions is reversed.”

Your Prime Minister is not racist, but, racists do seem to find a lot of encouragement under his premiership…perhaps someone in his cabinet can explain why?

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Study finds people angry at Euro2020 loss just haven’t heard about all the exciting post-Brexit trade deals

KEEP ON TRUSSING ON : An overnight study has discovered the root cause of the distress felt by many English fans today after the nail biting loss to Italy in last night’s Euro2020 final.

The cause appears to be the fact that they just haven’t heard about all the exciting post-Brexit trade deals closed by Brexit Superstar Liz Truss. It’s not so much that England lost the game but that some people don’t have enough that is good in their life to set the defeat against. This leaves them unable to acknowledge that the result was a fair reflection of the contest between two fantastic teams. And then move on. Happy in the outstanding achievements of the wonderful England team and their manager.

“We didn’t expect to discover it’s Liz Truss’s fault,” Professor Madeup, lead researcher on the study, told LCD Views. “It would however be helpful if the Secretary of State for Photocopying EU Trade Deals put just a bit of effort into advertising her achievements. The old social media post now and then. The occasional disingenuous puff piece in the Telegraph or Express. Is that too much to ask?”

The reticent nature of Ms Truss has not been helpful since the United Kingdom took back control of its sovereignty, and there are fabricated rumours of an imminent reshuffle.

“Ms Truss is not going to be reshuffled anytime soon,” a 10 Downing Street source said, “mostly because she’s always overseas closing exciting, time limited trade deals on less advantageous terms than we enjoyed before Brexit. So long as she’s happy to drape herself in flags and beam emptily at a camera she is giving the boss what he needs. The right wing rags can write positive interpretations of the achievements and pro-trolls share the articles across social media platforms. Job done.”

Keep on Trussing on. We may have lost the football but look at what we’ve won!

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BREAKING : Band that played as Titanic sank booked by 10 Downing Street for function 19th July

THAT SINKING FEELING : Still waters may run deep but the churning, shallow stream of effluent from 10 Downing Street is in no danger of being still. Or stopping. As “Freedom Day” is rapidly approaching world king Boris ‘Plague’ Johnson is determined to celebrate the declared end of the pandemic in the UK with a traditional British celebration.

“We’re going to have a wonderful party,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It will be like the VE Day celebrations last year all over again. Conga lines on every street passing the airborne virus from front to back and with the Prime Minister’s express permission and encouragement!”

And to help everyone really get into the right mood for the party the PM is said to have booked a famous British band to provide the music.

“We’ve booked the actual band that played on the actual Titanic as it sank. You could not stop them cheering the passengers up as the ship upended and went straight into the depths. Which is exactly what we’re aiming for on the 19th of July.”

The booking of the band that played as the Titanic went under is not only appropriate because of the comparison between the behaviour of England and that other preventable disaster.

“It’s the right choice. Remember what Mr Johnson said himself in the House of Commons? We’re going to make a Titanic success of Brexit! We’ve done that. And now we’re doing it with the novel virus. Because not hitting the iceberg at speed would upset the Tory backbenchers. And no one ever wants to do that! No matter what the human cost.”

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Gesture politics is bad, but gesture football fandom is fine, says Boris Johnson

GUESS WHO’S HOPING TO SCORE TONIGHT: Our Glorious Leader is merrily hopping on to the most obvious bandwagon available. This is fine, according to the man who can’t tell Harry Kane from Harry Potter.

Rumours continue to persist that Johnson has already paid someone to write two columns, one celebrating England’s Glorious Victory, one bemoaning England’s Gallant Loss. With any luck, the Daily Telegraph will print the correct one tomorrow morning.

This is a man whose reputation suggests that when he hears the phrase “Sterling’s taken a tumble!”, he instantly checks his investments.

After all, Boris Johnson’s principal talent appears to be cosplaying, not governing. Who shall I be today? A sausage maker? Fork lift truck driver? Football fan? His entire existence seems to have been a series of gestures, and the fact that he claims otherwise carries no weight.

Gesture politics is a bad way to do the business of governing, he claims. His actions suggest that, even if this is true, it’s what he does regardless. However, there seems to be nothing wrong with hastily pulling on an England top over his shirt and tie, to cheer on Our Boys as they win successive matches of the kicky ball game.

So let this fool take his undeserved moment in the spotlight. Let’s savour the moment, and wait for the laughs as Gareth Southgate asks him whether that really should have been a penalty, and he starts talking about vaccines instead.

Hopefully we can get back to the usual business of politics once this is all over. Back to the business of gesture politics like clapping the NHS, slagging off the EU, and Brexit.

Actually, on second thoughts, let’s not. Instead of these empty, futile gestures, why not celebrate our inclusivity, our teamwork, our full integration into European competition, that determine the success of our sporting teams.

In contrast, politically we have the exact reverse with Brexit. They think it’s all over. It is now.