BLINDSIDED : The mood in 10 Downing Street is reported as “livid verging on creosote” today after the failure of anyone to take the blame for the worsening U.K. food supply crisis.
It’s believed the Prime Minister himself was “almost put off his quail eggs and caviar” this morning as report after report attempted to “bore him senseless” over the issue.
The problem appears to largely be the fault of the German automotive sector which is yet to “fulfil the great visionary David Davis’s prediction of saving Brexit” which now risks the real possibility of Mr Johnson having his “long lunch” interminably irritated by supply chain shortages.
“Everyone should rest assured the Prime Minister’s personal food supplies are unaffected, and will remain unaffected, by any Brexit teething problems impacting on supermarket supply chains,” a 10 Downing Street source said. “The Army is on standby to ensure he remains well fed.”
But that will be of little comfort once “a culprit is identified and the blame for the empty shelves is attributed” and said individual risks “waiting longer for a peerage”.
An inquiry is to be launched to determine why no one at all warned of the impeding crisis when “Mr Johnson was dicking about the French with his idea of brinkmanship”.
Happily the problems will shortly be resolved by “throwing anyone breathing into the cab of a HGV and ordering them to drive to Dover”.
There are no other negative impacts of Brexit expected and everyone can look forward to filling their trolleys to the brim again once “Priti Patel accepts that unwinding the end of Freedom of Movement is expected”.