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BREAKING : Entire Tesco superstore covered with giant cardboard box to hide shortages

NOW YOU SEE NO YOU DON’T : Residents of the little patriotic town of Bitchling Deacon, in Tory held NorthSouthWest Sussox, are to hold a bunting dressed ceremony later today to celebrate the next stage of Brexit.

The cause celeb is the local Tesco superstore which landed outside the town like a behemoth flying saucer in 2011, and eliminated all independent family food based businesses. Since then it has been the focal point of the community whose traditional industries include which burning and the immolation of other words which indicate choices.

Local dignitaries are expected to attend the ceremony which will involve the regional Conservative Party chairman beating himself in the face with a brick, before he presses the button to lower the upbeat, silver cardboard superstructure in place.

Quite what the town will do for food after the empty store is hidden from view behind the massive structure isn’t yet clear, but industry experts suggest they are ahead of an important National curve.

“The hiding of the superstore will allow the locals of Little Bitchling to get a head start in the vital post Brexit industries of hunting and foraging,” Mr Spaffcox commented, “and cannibalism. If they hone their skills early they’ll have a distinct advantage over neighbouring tribes and will have full bellies until Priti Patel is placed into a medical coma and the end of FOM reversed.”

The ceremony itself is open to all but attendees are encouraged to attend maskless and huddle so the other great Conservative project, using the pandemic to conceal Brexit supply chain issues, can continue unabated.

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Ex-Tory MP who stockpiled HGV drivers instead of dodgy PPE becomes instant multi-millionaire

THE PARTY OF BUSINESS : Mr Fitshammon Jammon, the former Tory Party MP for Buckleys (2015-2017) has been revealed as the UK’s latest instant multi-millionaire.

Mr Jammon was expected to drift into the wilderness, never to be seen again, when he stood down after a brief stint in parliament to “spend more time with his families”, but he’s back centre stage right when his country called.

It seems while lesser mortals from the famous old party of business were filling their boots via contracts for dodgy PPE Fitshammon was eyeing a bigger prize.

“I was doing my research while others were fantasising about Brussels begging for access to London’s financial centre, post Brexit,” the cashed up golden boy told LCD Views. “Many on the extremes of politics, such as my former colleagues, label anti-Brexit websites as essentially conspiracy pages full of fantasists, but I had an inkling (after spending thirty seconds on Google researching the structure of U.K. supply chains) that there was gold in them thar hills! Or rather, on the motorways.”

While officially Mr Jammon agrees with the government line; that the shortage of HGV drivers is caused by EU drivers not wanting their phones to ping, but Mr Jammon doesn’t really care what anyone thinks.

“I’ve stockpiled tens of thousands of HGV drivers just waiting for the fulfilment of Priti Patel’s dream of ending freedom of movement. Now it’s pay day.”

And what a pay day it is. The ex MP is said to have landed in the region of £204m thanks to the penalty clause free contract he signed after phoning the government’s VIP line.

But when can anxious Britons expect to see his drivers on the motorways getting that product to British supermarkets?

“I wouldn’t hold your breath,” Mr Jammon chortles. “I’ve adhered to the same rigorous standards set for the PPE. Basically I’ve written down tens of thousands of names I made up on pieces of paper and handed it over to the relevant minister. No one cares. The only outcome prized by Johnson’s government is moving public cash into private pockets.”

But while this is just business as usual for Brexit Britain, that’s not the whole story.

“Okay, there is one driver. It’s my old school mate Squiggy. As soon as his suspension for dangerous driving is finished he’ll drive any truck you want anywhere you want it to go. Now if you’ve don’t mind I’ve a Georgian Manor to buy. Or maybe three!”

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Downing Street Source – “End of pingdemic will see EU HGV drivers flood back to U.K.”

IT’S NOT OVER TILL THE FAT MAN SINGS : Reports from the heart of government suggest that Prime Minister Boris Johnson believes everyone in the U.K. is getting too hot under the collar over the collapse in U.K. supply lines.

Happily for the architect of the End of Freedom of Movement, Priti Patel, there is not yet any suggestion of not being “batshit crazy and vicious” to any foreigners wishing to come over from Europe and work in the U.K. It’s not clear how that helps the driver shortage though?

“It’s irrelevant,” a source close to the PM told LCD Views. “The driver shortage is due to the pingdemic. It’s nothing to do with turning the immigration system into a shakedown racket post Brexit. Absolutely not related to stripping EU27 citizens of rights given at birth and replacing them with costly paperwork and the threat of deportation. We’re Great Britain. We’re now Global.”

It appears the prevailing belief is that once the pandemic “burns itself out” and the phones stop alarming everyone those HGV drivers will not be able to stop themselves from racing back to Blighty.

“We’re British. They love to work for us. All the jobs we can’t be bothered to properly train for, resource or advocate. Just to be on this island is really payment enough for foreign chaps. When you consider their alternatives it’s obvious. You’ll see, once we become the first nation to achieve herd immunity, via natural infection, in a pandemic of an ever mutating virus all those burly chaps will be back. Just hold tight.”

In the meantime shoppers are asked not to panic buy.

“It maybe a close run thing. Just try using one sheet of toilet paper every time you go. That’ll help with supplies. And remember, five a day is indulgence, think yourself lucky to get one banana and share it generously amongst the family.”

It’s not just wait and see though, there are plans to further modify the NHS App to send more positive notifications to close contacts of virus cases.

“You’re going to die one day anyway, get out and play! That’s what the app will soon say. Together with things like ‘We’re here for a good time not a long time!’. Trust in Boris and just keep taking it on the chin.”

Never forget, tomorrow is a lovely day.

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BREAKING : PM to address nation over fears supermarket cardboard shelf fillers will run out

SEEING IS BELIEVING : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to address the nation from his visit to Mustique Island, um, Scotland this evening.

There is no need to panic that a famously workshy PM is going to step out of his twelve course dinner, before the lobster course, to talk to the people.

“It’s just strong and stable government in action,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman, travelling with the PM, told LCD Views from a tropical beach. “He’s heard that some voters are expressing concerns over supplies to supermarkets and he wants to reassure the great British public his holiday will not be interrupted by it.”

Further reassurance will be offered over supplies to world leading British supermarkets. In particular the cardboard shelf fillers which are increasingly replacing actual products.

“The range and variety of ways supermarkets are concealing the product shortages has become a traditional feature of a British shoppers experience. It adds a real element of surprise to what used to be a humdrum feature of domestic life for ordinary people, and for the domestic staff of MPs. The People’s Prime Minister wants everyone to know that cardboard supplies are secure.”

Although the address by the PM, in Hawaiian shorts, will put most people’s minds at rest, one or two Tory backbenchers are said to be less than impressed.

“Oh, that’s just the ERG reinventing themselves again. This time as the CRG, the Cardboard Recovery Group, I’d ignore them unless they have sufficient support to disturb the PM’s afternoon nap.”

Rumours that the army has been placed on standby to ensure cardboard shelf filler supplies continue to reach supermarkets are thought to be true. Which will put joy into the even the most dispiriting trip to the shops.

“As long as we have the impression of food we can believe in food. Which is completely in keeping with Brexit.”

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BREAKING : Downing Street requests Russian army send HGV drivers to drive stock to UK shelves

A FRIEND IN NEED : Global Britons are set to reap the rewards of Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s refusal to investigate Russian interference in U.K. democracy.

The reticence on the part of the Tory government to investigate outside influence in our democratic processes at first seemed just a nice way to reward the Russian business people who are so generous to Tory Party coffers. But now it’s coming back around and everyone is advised to be grateful.

The cause is Mr Johnson finally finding a way to solve the HGV driver shortage which sees British supermarkets emptying of produce at an accelerating rate.

Initially it was expected that Mr Johnson, and Home Secretary Priti Patel, would weather the blowback from the insane, manic, swivel eyed, mouth foaming eurosceptics in their party and simply unwind the ending of Freedom of Movement. Rather than see British voters suffer. But that is the sort of backward thinking that won’t drive British shoppers forward.

Downing Street issued the following reassuring statement to ease the growing concerns over what were first empty shelves, and is now vanishing aisles headed for full blown crisis.

“The Prime Minister would like to extend his gratitude to the Russian Federation for their offer of assistance in our time of need. It came as a surprise that the EU would seek to punish its good friends across the English Channel, and deprive our domestic consumers of choice of nationality of HGV drivers. Happily the Russian President was moved by the images of Tesco which so strongly resembled the end of the Soviet Era.”

The first Russian army trained HGV drivers are expected to arrive later this week and Mr Johnson will hold a garden reception for them at Chequers.

The Home Secretary is also said to be considering expanding the scheme and seeking Russian assistance to build new “labour camps” for “unrepentant remoaners”.

A spokesman for the Labour Party declined to comment, pointing instead to party members who say “comrade” in every other sentence for comment.

Mr Johnson is expected to welcome Mr Putin to Downing Street later this month and give him the keys to 10 Downing Street because as far as governing the U.K. is concerned he can “no longer be bothered.”

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BBC “Shopping Forecast” will provide forecasts of food availability in U.K. supermarkets

PUBLIC SERVICE BROADCAST : The BBC are no slackers when it comes to Brexit, the causes of Brexit and the consequences of Brexit.

Few who used to listen to the Today programme on Radio 4 can forget stalwart of patriotic investigative broadcasting, John Humphrys, screaming “BUT THE PEOPLE HAVE DECIDED!&£#%” relentlessly at any traitors who dared to query the wisdom of Brexit.

Those halcyon days, when the Great British public spied a new and expanded horizon, are now well behind us. Today we deal with more mundane issues, like trying to stay alive in a profit driven response to a global pandemic, and when will the food run out because of Brexit?

Clearly blaming Brexit and Brexiters for the absolute cluster they’ve made of Great British supply chains won’t help anyone fill a shopping basket. But timely forecasts of where food will be, albeit momentarily, will be of great service.

That is why the BBC are to begin broadcasting their new The Shopping Forecast. The twice daily segment will air in partnership with The Shipping Forecast and it is hoped will also manage the unintended poetry of the weather news for ships.

But it won’t be brave British sea captains who will have a keen ear for The Shopping Forecast. It will be landlubbers like you and me.

“This new service will help the British public navigate the wealth of boundless possibilities delivered by Brexit,” a corporation spokesman told LCD Views. “No more trying to decide if you’ll attempt Tesco, Sainsbury’s, Lidl, Aldi, M&S or all of them each day. The Shopping Forecast will steer you in the right direction so you don’t return home empty handed to empty mouths.”

A sample of the new news feature has been released so you can wet your appetite.

“Sainsbury’s, Milton Keynes, pastas tending to only a breakfast cereal later. Tesco, Ditchlong, one tray of chopped tomatoes only, be quick. Little Harry’s Offie, Mowlton Membrane, surprising supply of milk, expected to sour quicker than usual…”

But it’s not just the information you require to decide where to forage tomorrow, the new feature will also be voiced by a range of celebrities to give it added value.

“Farage mostly. Because without us providing him a platform for his bad faith BS year in and year out it’s likely The Shopping Forecast would never have existed. It’s our way of saying thank you.”

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Rishi Sunak warns young office workers “Not being born a multi-millionaire could harm your career”

HAPPY ACCIDENT AT BIRTH : 2020’s Swimsuit Calendar of the Year Champion, and Chancellor, Rishi “Fishy” Sunak has some well timed words of advice for upwardly mobile Brits now that the pandemic is in retreat.

It seems the Chancellor believes the scandals involving David Cameron are sufficiently distant in the country’s rear view mirror now and he can once again style his hair, break cover and make a run to get into 10 Downing Street.

“Eat Out to Help Out boosted my credentials with the younger demographic,” the Chancellor revealed, in an unusually forthcoming interview, “the voters of tomorrow are my core support. I want to do everything I can to help them forget David Cameron and Greensill and back me when the time comes for Johnson’s Et tu Rishi moment.”

And as everyone knows the way to the heart of young voters is not pesky trivialities like Freedom of Movement, readily available food, Erasmus, relieving the debt burden of further education, climate change action, not deporting their friends’ mums and peace in Northern Ireland. No. The way to win the hearts and minds of the young is restaurant promotions that potentially knocked off their gran.

“But we also need advice at key stages in our lives,” Rishi says in statesmanlike tones, “such as what is this item of cutlery poking out of my arse? Is it a platinum or silver spoon? How to leverage the family connections when your education is complete? How many digits make up a million. How else will you understand your personal wealth at birth? And how to translate all of that to economic units who may erroneously believe they have some intrinsic worth?”

Clearly, for Rishi, the answer to all these big questions is “Get back into the office you slackers before my donors lose some net worth.”

And remember, accident of birth is for suckers, if you want to really get ahead you need to ensure you are born incredibly privileged or it could “damage your chancers and career.”

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Met police SMASH multi-million pound black market homegrown vegetable ring

DOING THYME : The Met police are said to be in a celebratory mood this morning with news of the successful overnight raid on one of Britain’s largest black market vegetable rings.

The underworld dealing of illegal fresh produce has become a blossoming crime in the post-Brexit landscape, as imports of fresh food become ever more difficult and large scale, legitimate U.K. producers find themselves completely shafted by a combination of Johnson and Gove promises.

“The police are now tough on courgettes and the causes of courgettes,” a Met police spokesman told the media, during a press conference in which millions of pounds of vegetables seized from a derelict East End warehouse were put on display.

“Dealing in illegal veg is not a victimless crime,” the spokesman said, “children as young as two, who believed they were safe from marrows and raw carrots and could enjoy a bag of crisps, suddenly find their dad swaggering home from the nearest carpark with a bag full of healthy and nutritious food in a reused shopping bag. The impact on the young can be devastating. Often this is the start of a path that could lead to veganism and growing their own fresh produce.”

Police warned that parents were particularly vulnerable to being groomed by the criminal gangs while “standing in the empty space in Tesco where the fresh fruit and veg used to be and wondering what the hell is going on”.

“These are the times you need to be most on your guard against the criminals. They approach forlorn looking shoppers and will promise to take them to a private place where fresh produce is available.”

When asked what the government was doing to assist the police in tackling the post-Brexit crime wave, a government minister blamed the disturbing trends on “Covid. The Pingdemic. The obstinacy of Brussels. The need to renegotiate the terrible Brexit Deal that a few months ago was fantastic, before we were retrospectively tricked by Brussels. The Last Labour government. Keir Starmer. Nicola Sturgeon. Jeremy Corbyn. Workshy NHS who need to be privatised for US Health interests. And Matt Hancock.”

Never once did the minister mention Brexit as the root cause.

“We don’t mention it. Boris Johnson’s entire premiership is at risk because he conned the country, did bugger all work and now we’ve got a full blown food supply crisis on our hands. It’s a total mess.”

The police ask anyone who is approached with an offer on backyard or allotment veg to come forward and contact them.

“I’m having friends over for dinner on Saturday and I need tomatoes, carrots, basil and some aubergines if possible.”

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BREAKING : Downing Street celebrate dramatic reduction in plastic bag use in U.K. supermarkets

WORLD LEADERS : The U.K. is well positioned to lecture the rest of the developed world, and anyone else we care to talk down to, when it comes to efforts to combat Climate Change.

First and foremost Prime Minister Boris Johnson has appointed a chum to make promises on Climate, which is about all that is necessary. Secondly he’s promised to limit his own number of offspring to “lost count”, and now he’s taking the plaudits for serious efforts in U.K. supermarkets to reduce use of plastic.

“The Oven Ready Brexit Deal may not have looked like it was packaged in polar bear friendly materials but the proof is in the pudding,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “Or rather the proof is in the lack of pudding. Fresh foods. Nonperishables. Toilet paper. Drivers to deliver the missing consumables. It’s a broad spectrum attack on climate change and the overconsumption by British shoppers that caused it.”

The strategy is well grounded in recent successes too.

“Who can forget Priti Patel lauding the reduction in shoplifting at a time when all the shops were closed in the first lockdown? Genius. We’ve brought that laser focus to supermarkets.”

But critics of the achievement are quick to point out that the reduction in plastic use is only because there’s nothing to buy in the shops.

“That’s just the sort of unpatriotic twaddle you expect from detractors. Pay them no heed. No HGV drivers. No shelves in supermarkets. No climate change. We’re world leaders in this field as in so many others.”

Take a bow Global Britons. Who knew that when we voted for sovereignty we voted for shortages and environmental achievements. Anyone paying even cursory attention to how U.K. supply lines work, that’s who.

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The EU only has itself to blame for Britain’s empty supermarket shelves

EU AND EU AND EU : BRITAIN’S SUPERMARKET SHELVES are running out of food and no one in government seems that bothered about it. Publicly. To be fair, it’s not too much the focus of anyone elected to parliament who’s not in government either. It’s a balanced approach. But some Global Britons are wondering where the gaps in the shops will lead?

Why isn’t it a focus of MPs? Do they want the entire country on its knees?

Will action be taken to reverse the trend of worsening trends? How long until the food riots? Questions. Questions. It’s clearly all part of the levelling up agenda. The Tories have overseen a booming food bank sector and gotten away with it. Now let’s see if they can have millions more go hungry and get away with that too. If you were a feudally minded disaster capitalist what would you do?

The one thing that is certain though is it won’t be the fault of the Westminster government. It will be the fault of the EU. Reliability is a British watchword. And in blaming the EU for the problems our politicians create, our politicians are more consistent than a Tesco fresh fruit and veg delivery.

The one thing you can be sure of is this situation will get worse before it gets better. Why the EU is punishing us by refusing to force its HGV drivers to jump through Priti Patel’s expensive new hoops to deliver food for us is anyone’s guess? Spitefulness I suppose.

How long will the Great British Public persist in expecting common sense to return to Great British Governance is anyone’s guess? Just buy the Express and blame the EU.

There is one small crumb of comfort, as you push the empty trolley up and down the emptying aisles in your local supermarket. Your government has ended Freedom of Movement once and for all, and was so bloody proud of that. But before long the idiots will need to conceal that they’re reversing that…