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U.K. to declare war on itself and blame the EU

PRATTLE STATIONS : The British Army is set to get even busier in the coming weeks and months after the United Kingdom’s government declared WAR on the United Kingdom.

The declaration of war has not surprised many, but it does mean that Army HGV drivers will now have to fit in deliveries to major supermarkets in between attacking themselves. Army Chiefs are remaining characteristically tight lipped about the evolving situation. Many military observers expect they will be incredibly annoyed as it’s “hard enough dealing with customers who are irritated over substitutions on the doorstep without having to split a reduced army in half and have it fight itself”.

It had been expected that The Telegraph would be chosen to make the announcement and there are rumours that Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s bosses are not best pleased that he chose to inform the nation via the radio. This mistake has been put down to “drunkenness”.

Shortly before 8pm this evening Mr Johnson is said to have addressed the nation on one of Radio 4’s political programmes and said that “victory was certain because we’re fighting ourselves”.

This method has also upset the voters who have turned away from BBC political news in droves since the EU referendum as it is believed to give the “Gammon a strategic advantage, due to early warning”. Although given most of them can’t organise a piss up in a brewery, it’s not felt to be an insurmountable advantage.

How NATO will react is not yet clear as they will have to both attack and defend the United Kingdom until a ceasefire can be brokered.

Mr Johnson is expected to assume the rank of Rear Admiral and then retire to Chequers and let “others sort out the mess”, which is exactly how the UK came to declare war on itself in the first place.

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Police ordered to seize local allotments to ensure supplies of fresh veg for MPs

DIGGING FOR BRITAIN : Mass panic is being reported up and down the length and breadth of Blighty today after loyal voters realised that the food supplies of their MPs maybe at risk.

Clearly many are not aware that the risk is not immediate as most MPs are currently enjoying their summer recess on the Continent. There is however a danger that the best of us will be caught up in the food supply crisis when they reluctantly trudge back home to face what they’ve inflicted on the rest of us.

Ever forward thinking Mr Johnson has met with his advisors and decided on a solution to calm the fraying nerves of the people.

“He’s having Priti Patel order the Police to seize local fruit and veg allotments,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “Don’t tell anyone I told you though or I’ll be for it. If you’ve never seen Ms Patel in a rage in the office you’re fortunate.”

It’s believed the decision to seize locally grown produce will allow the owners of allotments to focus on what’s important.

“It’s about promoting community spirit,” the source continues. “It’s not going to be very good for public order if old Gary is sitting there on a mountain of marrows while his neighbour Beth is scouring the high road for a carrot. So if the general public are all in the same boat it will help everyone pull in the same direction.”

Ensuring that MPs are well fed through the crisis they’ve inflicted on the rest of us will do wonders for morale.

“It’ll really bring the public together. Seeing little tubby Francois still all tubby. Old Boris out running trying to shift the flab. Meanwhile you’re grubbing in the dirt of your peasants backyard hoping there’s a new potato somewhere? It’s a Very British Food Shortage. I expect the BBC will make a film about it.”

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Downing Street : “Blitz Spirit alone is worth 100K truckers so with 2K army that’s a surplus”

NOTHING TO FEAR : DOWNING STREET has moved today to reassure anxious global Britons who are becoming inordinately alarmed at the widening gaps in supermarket shelves.

Where it will lead no one knows, except the industry experts who have spent years warning about the dangers of Brexit. Oh, and millions of people who had access to Google in 2016 and afterwards.

“If we’d listened to the gloomsayers we’d never have delivered Brexit,” a well fed 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, in between courses. “Try the lobster thermidor? It’s nuclear. Here. Take two. It’s on the taxpayer. What about a drink? If you’re awake it’s well past time to have a glass or two. Ha! What were we talking about?”

Clearly there is nothing to worry about and “no need to panic”. This is because People’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson has called in the army. A standard Tory solution to any domestic crisis.

Critics of the situation are less than convinced however. They are doing the standard defeatist, unpatriotic, remoaner trick of basic maths.

“Look, what these worry worts who are talking the country down need to understand that any problem can be solved by just believing hard enough. Yes there are only 2000 army drivers. Yes they probably have other things to do than deliver frozen veg to a Tesco in Wiltshire. Yes that still leaves 98,000 drivers short. But so what? What about Blitz Spirit?”

And if that doesn’t work Mr Johnson has a backup plan.

“He’ll blame someone else and bugger off. It’s worked a charm his entire career. The only question left is where does he fail upwards to from here?” the source wonders. “Another glass? Don’t be shy. It’s on the taxpayer, just like Brexit.”

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Downing Street launches inquiry to determine how EU27 are “enticing” EU workers away from UK

WHAT’S GOING ON : The United Kingdom is rumoured to currently be suffering a shortage of workers in many sectors. This appear to have coincidentally followed the UK Government failing to prepare for Brexit, but is not related. Happily the government is taking action.

“We’re going to have an inquiry,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Firstly into how well the two pieces of art Mr Johnson spent £100K on work with Carrie’s choice of wallpaper? After that we’ll be getting right onto the severe shortages of staff.”

To be fair to Downing Street, when the Prime Minister rushed to get Brexit Done and then rushed to terminate the transition period, no one at all would have expected the EU27 workers to leave. A few simple forms to fill out and some fees to pay and anyone who wants can continue to work for us.

“We’re British. Why wouldn’t they still want to work for us? It’s pretty basic stuff. You can work in one of those other countries that doesn’t have an empire, or you can work for us? It’s a no brainer. We suspect someone has been enticing the workers away.”

It’s not believed the problem of mass shortages has a domestic cause because “Priti Patel has made it very obvious that anyone not born in England is not wanted.”

“We suspect the leaders of EU27 states have been trying to entice British workers to leave the United Kingdom, but because they don’t speak English they accidentally published their propaganda in their own languages. This misled hospitality, farm workers, NHS and truckers into believing they should leave. There’s no other possible explanation. It’s essentially sabotage to undermine Brexit. If you were trying to do that wouldn’t you offer to treat foreigners like human beings? The exact opposite of our policy. Underhand stuff. The EU should be ashamed of itself.”

The inquiry into the paintings will report later in the summer, with the less important one about the workforce to follow sometime before Christmas.

“With any luck we will have an answer by Christmas. You remember Christmas? We had it last year except last year we held 10,000 EU HGV drivers in a sodden and cold camp in Kent. Many local charities recall the event, they had to feed the truckers.”

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BREAKING : Army on standby to deliver food because the U.K. is governed by a fucking idiot

WORLD LEADING : The UK’s place as the leader of civilisation is more secure than ever today after the strong and stable leadership team running the country decided to blow it up.

The decision to target the country with its own nuclear weapons system, Trident, was taken after it became just too embarrassing to have Boris Johnson continue as Prime Minister, and the governing Tory Party proved too morally, and intellectually incontinent to do anything about it. In fact, make that the whole U.K. political establishment.

The facile nature of UK politics, especially in England, has been apparent since the EU referendum of 2016 but now it has really surprised even itself.

The tipping point seems to have been the decision to bring in the army to deliver food after the regime of carpet bagging shitbergs who delivered Brexit discovered they’d done nothing to prepare for it. And now everyone looks like a right fucking idiot.

It’s believed Mr Johnson would rather detonate the nukes rather than risk being laughed at by the French, although he himself is not personally planning to be in the country at the time.

“It’s either blow up the U.K. or admit that Brexit was a decision pushed by people so eyewateringly useless they’re either a whole team of Manchurian Candidates or 100% cretin. Perhaps both.”

There were rumours that a referendum on whether or not to self-immolate or face the world and own what we did, was going to be held, but the government decided not to because of “what happened last time we asked the people to make an important choice about their future”.

Air raid sirens are to sound just before the U.K. destroys itself. This is so people get a flavour of “the Blitz Spirit” the nostalgia freaks who were born well after WW2 always bang on about.

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Boris Johnson working on a better joke about climate change to fight fall in personal popularity

SOURCE OF NATURAL GAS : The United Kingdom’s last Prime Minister Boris Johnson has suffered a mysterious and perplexing fall in personal popularity recently.

The popularity of the country’s PM does not affect its governance, which will continue to be ghastly as long as Mr Johnson remains in 10 Downing Street. It is important however, as being popular is the only motivator for the prime minister.

“The success of the throwaway line about Thatcher, miners and climate change the other day has Mr Johnson thinking hard about whether or not he can riff off it again,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

While the PM could reach into his extensive back catalogue of columns and recycle a joke about an ethnic minority or women, it’s believed he feels it will be good to draw on Thatcher again, because of her enduring resonance in the popular imagination.

“He’s going to go with Climate Change again. That’s a definite,” the source suggests, “all the way to the burning seas. He just has to find the right classical reference to throw into the mix this time.”

The necessity of acting swifter on his personal polling, than climate change, is obvious, as the Tory Party will not tolerate his toxic clown act if he no longer looks like a guaranteed vote winner.

“People are starting to talk about his successor and that’s no laughing matter for Boris,” the source adds. “He needs to move fast and he needs to move now. You can just feel Gove in the shadows phoning around to see who is ready to go for the kill. The PM will tolerate a lot of things. Child poverty. Anti-vax and racist street protests. Collapsing U.K. businesses due to his policies and so on. But he will not tolerate manoeuvres to stab him in the back. Loyalty to him is very important. Only loyalty to him you understand, the rest of it is a load of old bollocks.”

Let’s hope Mr Johnson comes up with a killer gag soon before his popularity completely goes up in smoke.

“We’re asking right wing comics to write in with any suggestions. Be fast. The Johnson fatberg is capsizing and the temperature is rising.”

For the Great British public however, increasingly it seems the end of Johnson’s career will be both a surprise and a right old laugh.

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Home Secretary to promise to “imprison less Italian au pairs” to lure back lost EU workers

HOLDING ALL THE CARDS : Brexit is going so well the government of Great Britain is now being urged by UK businesses to share the fruits more broadly with our friends in Europe.

The calls are growing louder daily as opportunities in the booming UK economy sees many businesses struggling to recruit enough staff. There are serious concerns that the growth will stall.

Front and centre of the staffing crisis is of course the Home Office. Ever an engine of the UK’s outward facing focus the Home Secretary Priti Patel is expected to retain her position as the heart and soul of the immigration programme.

“Ms Patel has heard the calls of business and is ready and willing to help,” an unreliable and invented source inside the Home Office has told LCD Views. “She will later be issuing a call resonant of the Pied Piper of Hamlet and bring those much needed EU workers flooding in.”

Why the EU workers left in the first place is a source of mystery to the government, with suspicion falling on rival European states enticing them away by promising to treat them like human beings.

Ms Patel’s pitch to entice them back across the Channel will contain a few carrots, best of which is the promise not to lock them up the moment they arrive.

“The Home Secretary will speak directly to EU27 workers later today and give them the solid gold promise that she will imprison less Italian au pairs when they arrive in the UK. Oh, and the truck drivers? She has had more portaloos installed in Kent.”

While the move is certain to charm those reluctant migrant workers back, internal critics have lost their shit over the Home Secretary saying less and not fewer.

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BREAKING : Wave which nearly swept Boris Johnson out to sea demoted to ripple by Poseidon

GET OUT OF THE SEA : News broke today of a completely unsurprising nature that British Clown Prince (and prime minister) Boris Johnson was almost swept out to sea last year by a politically obsessed Scottish wave.

The wave is said to have harboured ambitions to be a national hero and may have succeeded but for the quick actions of the Clown Prince’s close protection officers.

Sources close to the wave have spoken confidentially to the press and say it was not attempting to physically harm the bumbling idiot, but “scare some sense into him. Perhaps even force a kind of watershed moment. An awakening of consciousness, before returning the shambolic human wrecking ball to shore, where he belonged.”

But a leak from the office of Poseidon, God of the Sea, this evening says that the God was not pleased with the wave at all.

“It’s believed Poseidon has enough trouble explaining daily that he is also Neptune, without having to deal with even more toxic human trash in the sea,” a source which has seen the leaked document reports.

It appears Poseidon was so displeased with the wave involved that he took punitive action to make it an example to other waves.

“It can give up any thoughts of becoming tidal,” the source continues, “Poseidon flew into a fury and demoted the wave to a ripple. The best it can hope for the now is quietly lapping against some pebbles in a secluded cove, before its energy disperses forever.”

Dolphins, porpoises and other marine mammals have been warned that should Mr Johnson go for a swim again they are to immediately return him to shore.

Furthermore, Godzilla has been approached by Poseidon with the aim of levelling the U.K. completely to remove the threat of Mr Johnson polluting the sea ever again, but it’s believed the decision has been taken to hold off for the moment.

“He’s doing a competent enough job of laying waste to the U.K. without any divine assistance. So they’re just going to hold off on that for the moment and see how things pan out.”

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BREAKING : Hypnotist hired to tour empty supermarkets and convince shoppers they have food

FORM AN ORDERLY LINE : Downing Street is stepping up to the challenge of reversing the collapsing U.K. food supply chains today.

“We all know that successful governance is about who writes the most compelling narrative in the mind of the public,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “If the reality based narrative that supermarkets are running out of food takes hold in the public consciousness things could get a bit tricky. This is why we have taken the sensible and measured measure we have today.”

The initiative has been codenamed Operation : Stitch In Time and involves a talented hypnotist hired by Downing Street.

“The hypnotist has this afternoon begun studying social media to see which regions are now worst affected by the broken supply chains. Once a hotspot is identified he flies there by helicopter, disembarks in the supermarket carpark and begins greeting shoppers as they leave empty handed.”

And that’s when the magic starts.

“He invites shoppers to look into his eyes, look into his eyes, don’t look anywhere but in his eyes. As he does this he swings a fob watch on a chain in front of their faces and talks in a soothing voice until they enter a state of hypnosis.”

This is followed by the hypnotist telling the shoppers they must remember they have bought all the items they wished for that day and to go home and be amazed at how little they spent on the weekly shop. It will prove to be very effective.”

But critics of the strategy have demanded to know why only one hypnotist has been engaged, when surely thousands will be needed to cover the entirety of the U.K.?

“That’s because it’s a Boris Johnson initiative, so it’s going to be as impactful as he is with a mop. You can’t expect him to exhaust himself actually dealing with the crisis?” the source shrugs.

“To admit there is a supply side crisis will be to admit, either directly or by implication, that Brexit has failed. So you just better get used to staring into the eyes of the National hypnotist and carry on at home with the guided hypnosis track that will soon appear on your smartphone to convince you you had a slap up Sunday roast. When in reality you’ll be lucky to have had toast.”

Brexit Britain. We did this to ourselves, just don’t expect anybody in government to admit it.

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PM’s visit to petting zoo to “go ahead” in spite of positive test for Bubonic Plague

CARING IS SHARING : Viral sensation Boris Johnson is to go ahead with a visit to a South London petting zoo in spite of testing positive for Bubonic Plague.

It had been expected that the Prime Minister would re-schedule the event, but insiders suggest it is to go ahead anyway because “otherwise he’ll be stuck at home listening to Carrie bang on about redecorating the nursery”.

The visit to Magic Pete’s Magic Animal Magicalarium is now a customary and annual feature of the Prime Minister’s diary and fits in neatly with visits to “anyone who is prepared to shower the Tory Party with money”.

The day long outing will also feature a ride on a miniature train railway with a billionaire “in the driving seat telling Mr Johnson when to shout toot toot!”. This is believed to be his real reason for the visit, although the obligatory photos will be taken with a range of “domesticated animals often covered in their own scat and other members of his cabinet”.

How exactly Mr Johnson came to be infected with one of the most famous diseases ever to plague humankind is not yet clear although some suspect his “visit to the Ministry of Defence’s Defence Science and Technology Laboratory in Wiltshire was probably where it happened”. It is rumoured Mr Johnson was left unattended during a fire alarm drill at the facility and began opening biohazard freezers to check if he’d ever forgotten a “sperm donation there”.

While there is a clear public health risk from the buboed PM mingling with the public while infectious with the Black Death, it is expected most of the media and political establishment will just shrug it off with the usual placebo of “It’s just Boris being Boris”.

The petty zoo animals will be exterminated after the visit, but that is not in the interests of public safety. Rather it’s because “the Home Secretary will personally oversee the event and really, really enjoy it”.