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BREAKING : Downing Street requests Russian army send HGV drivers to drive stock to UK shelves

A FRIEND IN NEED : Global Britons are set to reap the rewards of Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s refusal to investigate Russian interference in U.K. democracy.

The reticence on the part of the Tory government to investigate outside influence in our democratic processes at first seemed just a nice way to reward the Russian business people who are so generous to Tory Party coffers. But now it’s coming back around and everyone is advised to be grateful.

The cause is Mr Johnson finally finding a way to solve the HGV driver shortage which sees British supermarkets emptying of produce at an accelerating rate.

Initially it was expected that Mr Johnson, and Home Secretary Priti Patel, would weather the blowback from the insane, manic, swivel eyed, mouth foaming eurosceptics in their party and simply unwind the ending of Freedom of Movement. Rather than see British voters suffer. But that is the sort of backward thinking that won’t drive British shoppers forward.

Downing Street issued the following reassuring statement to ease the growing concerns over what were first empty shelves, and is now vanishing aisles headed for full blown crisis.

“The Prime Minister would like to extend his gratitude to the Russian Federation for their offer of assistance in our time of need. It came as a surprise that the EU would seek to punish its good friends across the English Channel, and deprive our domestic consumers of choice of nationality of HGV drivers. Happily the Russian President was moved by the images of Tesco which so strongly resembled the end of the Soviet Era.”

The first Russian army trained HGV drivers are expected to arrive later this week and Mr Johnson will hold a garden reception for them at Chequers.

The Home Secretary is also said to be considering expanding the scheme and seeking Russian assistance to build new “labour camps” for “unrepentant remoaners”.

A spokesman for the Labour Party declined to comment, pointing instead to party members who say “comrade” in every other sentence for comment.

Mr Johnson is expected to welcome Mr Putin to Downing Street later this month and give him the keys to 10 Downing Street because as far as governing the U.K. is concerned he can “no longer be bothered.”

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BBC “Shopping Forecast” will provide forecasts of food availability in U.K. supermarkets

PUBLIC SERVICE BROADCAST : The BBC are no slackers when it comes to Brexit, the causes of Brexit and the consequences of Brexit.

Few who used to listen to the Today programme on Radio 4 can forget stalwart of patriotic investigative broadcasting, John Humphrys, screaming “BUT THE PEOPLE HAVE DECIDED!&£#%” relentlessly at any traitors who dared to query the wisdom of Brexit.

Those halcyon days, when the Great British public spied a new and expanded horizon, are now well behind us. Today we deal with more mundane issues, like trying to stay alive in a profit driven response to a global pandemic, and when will the food run out because of Brexit?

Clearly blaming Brexit and Brexiters for the absolute cluster they’ve made of Great British supply chains won’t help anyone fill a shopping basket. But timely forecasts of where food will be, albeit momentarily, will be of great service.

That is why the BBC are to begin broadcasting their new The Shopping Forecast. The twice daily segment will air in partnership with The Shipping Forecast and it is hoped will also manage the unintended poetry of the weather news for ships.

But it won’t be brave British sea captains who will have a keen ear for The Shopping Forecast. It will be landlubbers like you and me.

“This new service will help the British public navigate the wealth of boundless possibilities delivered by Brexit,” a corporation spokesman told LCD Views. “No more trying to decide if you’ll attempt Tesco, Sainsbury’s, Lidl, Aldi, M&S or all of them each day. The Shopping Forecast will steer you in the right direction so you don’t return home empty handed to empty mouths.”

A sample of the new news feature has been released so you can wet your appetite.

“Sainsbury’s, Milton Keynes, pastas tending to only a breakfast cereal later. Tesco, Ditchlong, one tray of chopped tomatoes only, be quick. Little Harry’s Offie, Mowlton Membrane, surprising supply of milk, expected to sour quicker than usual…”

But it’s not just the information you require to decide where to forage tomorrow, the new feature will also be voiced by a range of celebrities to give it added value.

“Farage mostly. Because without us providing him a platform for his bad faith BS year in and year out it’s likely The Shopping Forecast would never have existed. It’s our way of saying thank you.”

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Rishi Sunak warns young office workers “Not being born a multi-millionaire could harm your career”

HAPPY ACCIDENT AT BIRTH : 2020’s Swimsuit Calendar of the Year Champion, and Chancellor, Rishi “Fishy” Sunak has some well timed words of advice for upwardly mobile Brits now that the pandemic is in retreat.

It seems the Chancellor believes the scandals involving David Cameron are sufficiently distant in the country’s rear view mirror now and he can once again style his hair, break cover and make a run to get into 10 Downing Street.

“Eat Out to Help Out boosted my credentials with the younger demographic,” the Chancellor revealed, in an unusually forthcoming interview, “the voters of tomorrow are my core support. I want to do everything I can to help them forget David Cameron and Greensill and back me when the time comes for Johnson’s Et tu Rishi moment.”

And as everyone knows the way to the heart of young voters is not pesky trivialities like Freedom of Movement, readily available food, Erasmus, relieving the debt burden of further education, climate change action, not deporting their friends’ mums and peace in Northern Ireland. No. The way to win the hearts and minds of the young is restaurant promotions that potentially knocked off their gran.

“But we also need advice at key stages in our lives,” Rishi says in statesmanlike tones, “such as what is this item of cutlery poking out of my arse? Is it a platinum or silver spoon? How to leverage the family connections when your education is complete? How many digits make up a million. How else will you understand your personal wealth at birth? And how to translate all of that to economic units who may erroneously believe they have some intrinsic worth?”

Clearly, for Rishi, the answer to all these big questions is “Get back into the office you slackers before my donors lose some net worth.”

And remember, accident of birth is for suckers, if you want to really get ahead you need to ensure you are born incredibly privileged or it could “damage your chancers and career.”

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Met police SMASH multi-million pound black market homegrown vegetable ring

DOING THYME : The Met police are said to be in a celebratory mood this morning with news of the successful overnight raid on one of Britain’s largest black market vegetable rings.

The underworld dealing of illegal fresh produce has become a blossoming crime in the post-Brexit landscape, as imports of fresh food become ever more difficult and large scale, legitimate U.K. producers find themselves completely shafted by a combination of Johnson and Gove promises.

“The police are now tough on courgettes and the causes of courgettes,” a Met police spokesman told the media, during a press conference in which millions of pounds of vegetables seized from a derelict East End warehouse were put on display.

“Dealing in illegal veg is not a victimless crime,” the spokesman said, “children as young as two, who believed they were safe from marrows and raw carrots and could enjoy a bag of crisps, suddenly find their dad swaggering home from the nearest carpark with a bag full of healthy and nutritious food in a reused shopping bag. The impact on the young can be devastating. Often this is the start of a path that could lead to veganism and growing their own fresh produce.”

Police warned that parents were particularly vulnerable to being groomed by the criminal gangs while “standing in the empty space in Tesco where the fresh fruit and veg used to be and wondering what the hell is going on”.

“These are the times you need to be most on your guard against the criminals. They approach forlorn looking shoppers and will promise to take them to a private place where fresh produce is available.”

When asked what the government was doing to assist the police in tackling the post-Brexit crime wave, a government minister blamed the disturbing trends on “Covid. The Pingdemic. The obstinacy of Brussels. The need to renegotiate the terrible Brexit Deal that a few months ago was fantastic, before we were retrospectively tricked by Brussels. The Last Labour government. Keir Starmer. Nicola Sturgeon. Jeremy Corbyn. Workshy NHS who need to be privatised for US Health interests. And Matt Hancock.”

Never once did the minister mention Brexit as the root cause.

“We don’t mention it. Boris Johnson’s entire premiership is at risk because he conned the country, did bugger all work and now we’ve got a full blown food supply crisis on our hands. It’s a total mess.”

The police ask anyone who is approached with an offer on backyard or allotment veg to come forward and contact them.

“I’m having friends over for dinner on Saturday and I need tomatoes, carrots, basil and some aubergines if possible.”

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BREAKING : Downing Street celebrate dramatic reduction in plastic bag use in U.K. supermarkets

WORLD LEADERS : The U.K. is well positioned to lecture the rest of the developed world, and anyone else we care to talk down to, when it comes to efforts to combat Climate Change.

First and foremost Prime Minister Boris Johnson has appointed a chum to make promises on Climate, which is about all that is necessary. Secondly he’s promised to limit his own number of offspring to “lost count”, and now he’s taking the plaudits for serious efforts in U.K. supermarkets to reduce use of plastic.

“The Oven Ready Brexit Deal may not have looked like it was packaged in polar bear friendly materials but the proof is in the pudding,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “Or rather the proof is in the lack of pudding. Fresh foods. Nonperishables. Toilet paper. Drivers to deliver the missing consumables. It’s a broad spectrum attack on climate change and the overconsumption by British shoppers that caused it.”

The strategy is well grounded in recent successes too.

“Who can forget Priti Patel lauding the reduction in shoplifting at a time when all the shops were closed in the first lockdown? Genius. We’ve brought that laser focus to supermarkets.”

But critics of the achievement are quick to point out that the reduction in plastic use is only because there’s nothing to buy in the shops.

“That’s just the sort of unpatriotic twaddle you expect from detractors. Pay them no heed. No HGV drivers. No shelves in supermarkets. No climate change. We’re world leaders in this field as in so many others.”

Take a bow Global Britons. Who knew that when we voted for sovereignty we voted for shortages and environmental achievements. Anyone paying even cursory attention to how U.K. supply lines work, that’s who.

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The EU only has itself to blame for Britain’s empty supermarket shelves

EU AND EU AND EU : BRITAIN’S SUPERMARKET SHELVES are running out of food and no one in government seems that bothered about it. Publicly. To be fair, it’s not too much the focus of anyone elected to parliament who’s not in government either. It’s a balanced approach. But some Global Britons are wondering where the gaps in the shops will lead?

Why isn’t it a focus of MPs? Do they want the entire country on its knees?

Will action be taken to reverse the trend of worsening trends? How long until the food riots? Questions. Questions. It’s clearly all part of the levelling up agenda. The Tories have overseen a booming food bank sector and gotten away with it. Now let’s see if they can have millions more go hungry and get away with that too. If you were a feudally minded disaster capitalist what would you do?

The one thing that is certain though is it won’t be the fault of the Westminster government. It will be the fault of the EU. Reliability is a British watchword. And in blaming the EU for the problems our politicians create, our politicians are more consistent than a Tesco fresh fruit and veg delivery.

The one thing you can be sure of is this situation will get worse before it gets better. Why the EU is punishing us by refusing to force its HGV drivers to jump through Priti Patel’s expensive new hoops to deliver food for us is anyone’s guess? Spitefulness I suppose.

How long will the Great British Public persist in expecting common sense to return to Great British Governance is anyone’s guess? Just buy the Express and blame the EU.

There is one small crumb of comfort, as you push the empty trolley up and down the emptying aisles in your local supermarket. Your government has ended Freedom of Movement once and for all, and was so bloody proud of that. But before long the idiots will need to conceal that they’re reversing that…

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Tories ready to ditch Johnson just as soon as “someone less competent can be found”

SPAFFER SPATCHCOCKED : The Tory Party is said to be in a restless mood at the moment as Mr Johnson continues his one man impersonation of a living, breathing disaster. The human zeppelin of governance is making a titanic success of both the pandemic and Brexit. Now that the Brexit con is complete, how long will they let old Bunter hang on?

The answer to that may lie in how long it takes the secret society which governs the party to choose the successor, before they make a public display of holding a contest. The kittens are being bagged for the altar as we speak. The dark hoods donned and the kleptocratic, internationalist clique which bankrolls the Tories asked to memorise the codewords and come along for the “day of deciding”.

“There’s a few names in the hat,” a 1922 Committee insider told LCD Views, as he drank a bubbling elixir to allow him to see into the Netherworld and better make his choice.

“There’s Satan. There’s Pestilence. There’s some grey skinned fellow without a nose who claims to come from somewhere called Zargon-2B0. Wherever that is. Apparently they have a booming tax haven industry, so he gets consideration. We’re moving into space don’t you know! Just as soon as we Get Brexit ReDone. By the time we’ve finished promising to act on Climate Change we’ll have to move into space! Ha! Did you know my grandfather was the first man to use sands from the Sahara to jam a camera lens? True story. What were we talking about again? The potion is kicking in. Who are you? Who am I? Who really is running the country? Are you all mad? Aren’t you paying attention to what we’re doing to you? Why the hell do you let us keep being the government? Pass the salt please, I’ve got some wounds to rub.”

While the 1922 Committee is clearly stark raving mad, we do have a short list of the possible successors.

There’s Rishi Sunak. A bookies favourite, but so mired in the mistakes that worsened the pandemic any rival should be able to take him out, no matter how professionally he styles his hair.

There’s Liz Truss. Darling of the party, but a cheese block, so let’s just move on.

There’s Dominic Raab. Intensely dense, he’s in with a shot. And he’s got some distance between himself and the pandemic.

There’s Michael Gove. But having left his wife seems like a sign he’s already bowed out.

There’s Sajid Javid, he wants to kill them all and let God sort them out. He’s a high profile useful idiot. He’ll be left out too.

The list goes on. But whoever is chosen it’ll still be Rupert Murdoch.

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Downing Street – £375m EU funding Wales lost with Brexit replaced by Tory promises to “level up”

CROESO i LYMDER : 10 Downing Street is not forgetting Wales this week as the UK charges head first into a cliff face. Wales is coming along with the rest of us, which is nice.

Many will recall Michael Gove was famously tasked by Boris Johnson with keeping the Union together, after Boris Johnson and Michael Gove did their utmost to place the future of the Union in jeopardy. It wasn’t just Northern Ireland, Cornwall, Kent and Scotland that Mr Johnson was worried about shedding, it was also Wales. They must stay in the Union until Mr Johnson is bored of being PM.

Mr Gove may currently be MIA, but the fruits of his labours live on beyond the harvest.

“Yes the Welsh lost some minor EU funding which paid for apprenticeships to become English teachers and other things useful to the Welsh,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Castles. I hear they’re big on castles. Traditional industry. We’ll be building more of those. But just because the EU now churlishly refuse to send money to our deprived regions doesn’t mean the Welsh will have to wait. Mr Williamson is going to recruit a Latin teacher from a valley, for a start. Then there’s the boost to domestic poem growing. But we’ve more to offer them still. Mr Redwood will tweet soon about Welsh fish. And we’ve got some Tory grade promises to make. Endless promises to level up!”

The promises are believed ready to roll out, repeated ad nauseum, until the news cycle moves on. Once they are firmly embedded in the national psyche they’ll be broken, just to see if the Tories can get away with it.

“We’re going to level Wales up!” the spokesman promised. “Yes, some areas have been left untended since the end of traditional industries but now they too will get promises to level up! Daily. It’s going to be great. We may even send a bus to drive around Wales with the promises printed on the side of it! Who needs the EU when Boris can make a promise to you!”

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Downing Street warns EU “Seven days to save Boris Johnson’s career!” as PM’s polls plummet

PLUMMETING POLLS : The EU is well known to have been behind all the great disasters to have befallen the proud and noble people of the United Kingdom. From the decision in Brussels to invade Britannia in 55BC, again in 40something AD and then to collapse the Western Roman Empire and plunge the UK into the Dark Ages, the EU has been there all along, spitefully undermining God’s chosen people. But now it looks like they may finally go too far!

As the UK PM Boris Johnson PLUMMETS IN THE POLLS faster than a deep roller the EU is accused of just “standing idly by and not changing the entire legal framework of the European Union to suit Mr Johnson”.

“How they sleep at night I do not know?” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “They have it in their power to just change the laws that govern the European Union unilaterally to force HGV drivers back to the UK, but they don’t? Why won’t they? You have to ask yourself if they’ve ever reconciled to Brexit being done? It’s time they moved on and did exactly as we tell them.”

And the pressure is building even as the supermarket shelves in the UK are clearing.

“How anyone sane can expect Boris Johnson to manage a crisis of the magnitude growing within the United Kingdom is beyond me. It’s just spite. They see a spoiled man child and they decide to give him a bloody spanking. And they’re supposed to be woke!”

This evening unelected bureaucrat Lord Forst is to be dispatched by 10 Downing Street to Brussels, via trebuchet, with a stiff warning for the tyranny that resides so smugly in its full shops across la Manche.

“You’re about to lose Angela Merkel EU!” Frost will warn the tyrants. “Do you want to lose Boris Johnson too? To lose one statesperson seems like misfortune, but to lose two seems like carelessness! Damn you EU!”

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BREAKING : Crowdfunder to buy Boris Johnson a vasectomy raises £350m in first week

FAMILIES PLANNING : The U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson stands ready to receive some much needed public support today to adhere to his own professed principles about global population control.

While many across the political divide showered the PM in orgiastic applause at the news of his latest expected blonde bundle of love, others reacted swiftly to attempt to dam the tide. And it wasn’t out of fear of what the Daily Mail would say about a serial adulterer who lives off state handouts on his third marriage with an unknown number of children.

A crowdfunder was established midday yesterday with the aim of “Buying the Prime Minister a vasectomy at the private clinic of his choice”. At the time of publication the money raised was said to be £350m. And that’s just the first week.

It’s not entirely clear who were the largest donors in the effort to stop Mr Johnson breeding, but it’s believed anyone paying attention to his personal history regarding families and refurbishments.

While there’s certainly no intention to malign his current attempts to nurture the feature, it’s felt perhaps he may like to lead by example, after previously stating in vigorous terms the danger to the world from overpopulation.

But critics of the crowdfunder have hit back and reminded everyone that “different rules apply to the born to rule than the hoi polloi”.

Additionally, the decline in the U.K. population caused by first Mr Johnson’s Brexit and now his mismanagement of the pandemic is thought as justification for him to fill the country with his offspring.

Curiosity remains however about the crowdfunder, with rumours suggesting Tory donors are actually the largest contributors as they’re “sick of paying for his nannies and re-wallpapering the nurseries”.