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I tried to use a burner phone, but it singed my ears, says Dominic Raab

LOVE THE CRIMINAL, HATE THE CRIME: Hopeless hapless Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab has been rushed to hospital with burned ears. What’s left of the NHS has patched him up and sent him packing. 

Why were his ears burning? Not because lots of people have been talking about him. No, the natural heir to the great Chris Grayling has been getting in on the act, and attempting to use a burner phone. 

“Everyone is doing it,” bleated a defeated Raab, a wreath of smoke still gently rising from his lugs. “All the other ministers have a burner phone, so I thought I would come to the party, so to speak.” 

You’re on fire now, Dom. 

“No, just smouldering gently,” he said. “I don’t know what went wrong. I followed the instructions to the letter. I procured an ancient Motorola handset, and used Govey’s blowtorch to ignite it, and here we are!” 

No smoke without fire. 

“I just don’t know where I went wrong,” he despaired. “My ears have been really badly singed! It’s a good job I was bald already!” 

You’ve been badly burned. 

“What I don’t get,” he whimpered plaintively, “is how old Jimmy Bethel isn’t scorched all over like me!” 

Lord Bethel is only the latest miscreant to mysteriously change his phone as soon as the courts decide they need to see it. Unlike Raab, he clearly knows what a burner phone is. And he doesn’t want to get his fingers burned. 

Meanwhile the It’s All Greek To Me Office has moved quickly to ensure that The Boss is kept away from all kinds of telephone. And computers. And televisions. And the office. Just to be on the safe side. 

Unconfirmed rumours from the impeccable Downing Street source suggest that Raab has been trying to send smoke signals, using candles. Unconfirmed unconfirmed rumours suggest that he has merely succeeded in burning off his ear hair. 

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Downing Street launch upbeat campaign to combat empty supermarket shelves

FINE DINING IN THE MIND PALACE : Global Britons have bellies full of sovereignty thanks to the decision to remove the country from the 21st Century. Get the bunting out and keep it out for you are free!

Free of travel without roaming charges and the accompanying worry your mobile service provider doesn’t care anymore. Free of just hoping on a train or flight to the EU27 with nothing but an anachronistic burgundy passport in your pocket. Free of worrying about overspending on food at the supermarket. Free of the anxiety about whether or not your kids will choose to study in the Erasmus programme or take the patriotic decision to use Turing and the Falklands.

The days of impulse buying while getting your necessities are happily in the past, for the foreseeable future. How does it feel?

For some curious reason, for some, it doesn’t feel good. Change can be discombobulating, when you haven’t prepared, so the government is going to help.

A new billboard and print media campaign will help boost the morale of all Empire 2.0 citizens and get them in the right mental state for the new realities of Brexit benefits.

“Get Ready To Believe In Food” is to launch shortly with happy, upbeat fonts and colourful photos of actual food.

“There’s a chance some citizens may forget what actually fresh fruit and vegetables look like until the colonies hit full production and ship back to the fatherland,” a 10 Downing Street Propaganda Minister told LCD Views. “But all you ready need to eat is to believe in food! If your mind is full of what we’re fishing out then you’ve nothing to worry about.”

Just like making a success of Brexit, reality is of no use, just believe!

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“We’ve had the fastest vaccine roll out in Europe” – PM responds to cannibalism in Surrey Tesco

RED OR BROWN SAUCE : The British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has been forced to take time out from his walking holiday in Scotland to respond to reports of an outbreak of cannibalism in a Surrey supermarket.

“Good thing I’m hundreds of miles away! Ha! What! Ha!” the PM said initially, before ruffling his hair more insincerely and adopting a more sober face.

While reports of cannibalism were anticipated as a natural consequence of leaving the European Union, it had been expected they would be financial, with key international players devouring the UK alive. Additional incidences of the country’s lawmakers eating whole the democratic processes they embody were also forecast. Actual cannibalism this early in the process is something of a shock.

“Shows you what the experts know,” Mr Johnson shrugged, “of course I’m appalled, appalled at the ah, um, the Medusa like spectacle in the Surrey fresh produce aisle. I urge all Britons not to eat each other regardless of how severe the breakdown in supply chains become. Why the great GREAT AND NOBLE tradition of pottage making for peasants is clearly a viable alternative to a full basket at Marks.”

But when pressed as to how the government would respond to prevent the outbreak worsening Mr Johnson hid in a nearby hedge. Reporters were able to locate him in time, in spite of his hair blending seamlessly into some thistle plants that had finished flowering and were dishing out that white fluffy stuff.

“Look, it’s perfectly straightforward. The EU is punishing us for Brexit. They’ve done this with their tedious and legalistic obsession with keeping promises agreed to in international treaties. Rather than ruin my afternoon shooting grouse you’d be better off phoning up the stuffed shirts in Brussels.”

The press seemed strangely persistent though, so the PM was forced to fall back to the standard government position on anything at all now.

“We’ve had the fastest vaccine roll out in Europe! We couldn’t have done that without Getting Brexit Done! What’s a little bit of cannibalism between patriots! It’s the taste of sovereignty.”

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Tory MP to quit politics for lucrative field of “supplying burner phones to ministers”

MIA BUT DEFINITELY IA : Rumours are flying around the Westminster village today that a senior and long standing Conservative Party MP is to leave politics and enter the commercial sector.

The news is doubly a surprise as Tory MPs usually manage to stay both in the government and any commercial sector they like these days, owing the complete deterioration of standards and accountability in UK governance. Which is nice.

While the MP concerned has not been named, speculation is rife that they don’t actually exist and this article has been written purely to highlight what appears to be alleged attempts to throw the law off the trail by various Government figures.

“We used Michael Gove for the article image because people are asking where he is. There’s no suggestion he’s actually supplying the burner phones. Although he may have used them long ago, given his self professed history of bringing the party to the party,” a senior fictional editor commented.

Burner phones have become a hot property in UK government circles recently, with Ministers finding they can get the best commercial advantages for the voters if the voters have no way of knowing what they’ve been up to.

“It’s about accountability,” one senior figure told LCD Views. “If you’re doing some potentially dodgy stuff with pals they need to know they can trust you to keep the heat off their tails. It’s about trust. The chumocracy can’t function unless trust is 100%. Usually of the ‘If I go down I’m taking you with me’ kind. It keeps everyone working together well.”

What the Mother of Parliaments will do about perceived loss of honesty, and potentially outright corruption in plain view in government, is anybody’s guess.

“Probably f all,” our editor suggests, “at least until the end of the summer recess. Nothing must stand in the way of a few weeks in the south of France to unwind after doing F all for another year. It’s nice work if you can get it.”

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BREAKING : PM Truss blames EU for necessity of emergency food relief from EU

ALL TRUSSED UP : The United Kingdom’s Prime Minister Liz Truss is said to be furious with the European Union’s decision to emblazon the Flag of Europe on emergency food relief parcels currently being flown into panic stricken regions of the U.K.

To add insult to injury it is not even British pilots flying in the much needed food (and other consumables) due to the U.K. decision to snub the EU Aviation Agency to “make a greater success of Brexit.”

“Imagine our supplies of humble pie being delivered by a Frenchman?” an aide to the UK’s new Prime Minister asked LCD Views. “Former Prime Minister Johnson would not have stood for it. If only we knew where he’s gone into hiding.”

But while the decision to accept the urgent relief from Brussels has the support of the cabinet, it’s said Ms Truss is livid at the flag issue.

“Who seeks to wave their flag in people’s faces in a time of crisis? It’s not British. Typical. We did demand that they print the Union Flag on the crates but they said no. Pity. That would have been a morale booster in both the Shires and the Red Wall.”

There are plans though to establish a nimble team who can intercept the parachuted crates as they land and plaster a Union Flag on top of the blue and gold one.

“We sold our contemporary radar systems to some Russian chaps while Dom Cummings was running the country, but it’s not a problem spotting incoming aircraft. We will just set the old WW2 system back up along the coast. The convoys of planes are so large the blobs will pop up on the screens nicely. Then we can scramble the teams to intercept before the hungry locals get there and cover over the EU flags with Great British patriotism. It has the making of a Dunkirk level of victory.”

The decision to accept the relief will buy PM Truss time though to sort out the branding on the supplies.

“We’re their closest and largest recipient of emergency food supplies, they need us more than we need them. They’ll soon see sense and paint the Union Flags on for future airdrops.”

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BREAKING : Entire Tesco superstore covered with giant cardboard box to hide shortages

NOW YOU SEE NO YOU DON’T : Residents of the little patriotic town of Bitchling Deacon, in Tory held NorthSouthWest Sussox, are to hold a bunting dressed ceremony later today to celebrate the next stage of Brexit.

The cause celeb is the local Tesco superstore which landed outside the town like a behemoth flying saucer in 2011, and eliminated all independent family food based businesses. Since then it has been the focal point of the community whose traditional industries include which burning and the immolation of other words which indicate choices.

Local dignitaries are expected to attend the ceremony which will involve the regional Conservative Party chairman beating himself in the face with a brick, before he presses the button to lower the upbeat, silver cardboard superstructure in place.

Quite what the town will do for food after the empty store is hidden from view behind the massive structure isn’t yet clear, but industry experts suggest they are ahead of an important National curve.

“The hiding of the superstore will allow the locals of Little Bitchling to get a head start in the vital post Brexit industries of hunting and foraging,” Mr Spaffcox commented, “and cannibalism. If they hone their skills early they’ll have a distinct advantage over neighbouring tribes and will have full bellies until Priti Patel is placed into a medical coma and the end of FOM reversed.”

The ceremony itself is open to all but attendees are encouraged to attend maskless and huddle so the other great Conservative project, using the pandemic to conceal Brexit supply chain issues, can continue unabated.

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Ex-Tory MP who stockpiled HGV drivers instead of dodgy PPE becomes instant multi-millionaire

THE PARTY OF BUSINESS : Mr Fitshammon Jammon, the former Tory Party MP for Buckleys (2015-2017) has been revealed as the UK’s latest instant multi-millionaire.

Mr Jammon was expected to drift into the wilderness, never to be seen again, when he stood down after a brief stint in parliament to “spend more time with his families”, but he’s back centre stage right when his country called.

It seems while lesser mortals from the famous old party of business were filling their boots via contracts for dodgy PPE Fitshammon was eyeing a bigger prize.

“I was doing my research while others were fantasising about Brussels begging for access to London’s financial centre, post Brexit,” the cashed up golden boy told LCD Views. “Many on the extremes of politics, such as my former colleagues, label anti-Brexit websites as essentially conspiracy pages full of fantasists, but I had an inkling (after spending thirty seconds on Google researching the structure of U.K. supply chains) that there was gold in them thar hills! Or rather, on the motorways.”

While officially Mr Jammon agrees with the government line; that the shortage of HGV drivers is caused by EU drivers not wanting their phones to ping, but Mr Jammon doesn’t really care what anyone thinks.

“I’ve stockpiled tens of thousands of HGV drivers just waiting for the fulfilment of Priti Patel’s dream of ending freedom of movement. Now it’s pay day.”

And what a pay day it is. The ex MP is said to have landed in the region of £204m thanks to the penalty clause free contract he signed after phoning the government’s VIP line.

But when can anxious Britons expect to see his drivers on the motorways getting that product to British supermarkets?

“I wouldn’t hold your breath,” Mr Jammon chortles. “I’ve adhered to the same rigorous standards set for the PPE. Basically I’ve written down tens of thousands of names I made up on pieces of paper and handed it over to the relevant minister. No one cares. The only outcome prized by Johnson’s government is moving public cash into private pockets.”

But while this is just business as usual for Brexit Britain, that’s not the whole story.

“Okay, there is one driver. It’s my old school mate Squiggy. As soon as his suspension for dangerous driving is finished he’ll drive any truck you want anywhere you want it to go. Now if you’ve don’t mind I’ve a Georgian Manor to buy. Or maybe three!”

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Downing Street Source – “End of pingdemic will see EU HGV drivers flood back to U.K.”

IT’S NOT OVER TILL THE FAT MAN SINGS : Reports from the heart of government suggest that Prime Minister Boris Johnson believes everyone in the U.K. is getting too hot under the collar over the collapse in U.K. supply lines.

Happily for the architect of the End of Freedom of Movement, Priti Patel, there is not yet any suggestion of not being “batshit crazy and vicious” to any foreigners wishing to come over from Europe and work in the U.K. It’s not clear how that helps the driver shortage though?

“It’s irrelevant,” a source close to the PM told LCD Views. “The driver shortage is due to the pingdemic. It’s nothing to do with turning the immigration system into a shakedown racket post Brexit. Absolutely not related to stripping EU27 citizens of rights given at birth and replacing them with costly paperwork and the threat of deportation. We’re Great Britain. We’re now Global.”

It appears the prevailing belief is that once the pandemic “burns itself out” and the phones stop alarming everyone those HGV drivers will not be able to stop themselves from racing back to Blighty.

“We’re British. They love to work for us. All the jobs we can’t be bothered to properly train for, resource or advocate. Just to be on this island is really payment enough for foreign chaps. When you consider their alternatives it’s obvious. You’ll see, once we become the first nation to achieve herd immunity, via natural infection, in a pandemic of an ever mutating virus all those burly chaps will be back. Just hold tight.”

In the meantime shoppers are asked not to panic buy.

“It maybe a close run thing. Just try using one sheet of toilet paper every time you go. That’ll help with supplies. And remember, five a day is indulgence, think yourself lucky to get one banana and share it generously amongst the family.”

It’s not just wait and see though, there are plans to further modify the NHS App to send more positive notifications to close contacts of virus cases.

“You’re going to die one day anyway, get out and play! That’s what the app will soon say. Together with things like ‘We’re here for a good time not a long time!’. Trust in Boris and just keep taking it on the chin.”

Never forget, tomorrow is a lovely day.

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BREAKING : PM to address nation over fears supermarket cardboard shelf fillers will run out

SEEING IS BELIEVING : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to address the nation from his visit to Mustique Island, um, Scotland this evening.

There is no need to panic that a famously workshy PM is going to step out of his twelve course dinner, before the lobster course, to talk to the people.

“It’s just strong and stable government in action,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman, travelling with the PM, told LCD Views from a tropical beach. “He’s heard that some voters are expressing concerns over supplies to supermarkets and he wants to reassure the great British public his holiday will not be interrupted by it.”

Further reassurance will be offered over supplies to world leading British supermarkets. In particular the cardboard shelf fillers which are increasingly replacing actual products.

“The range and variety of ways supermarkets are concealing the product shortages has become a traditional feature of a British shoppers experience. It adds a real element of surprise to what used to be a humdrum feature of domestic life for ordinary people, and for the domestic staff of MPs. The People’s Prime Minister wants everyone to know that cardboard supplies are secure.”

Although the address by the PM, in Hawaiian shorts, will put most people’s minds at rest, one or two Tory backbenchers are said to be less than impressed.

“Oh, that’s just the ERG reinventing themselves again. This time as the CRG, the Cardboard Recovery Group, I’d ignore them unless they have sufficient support to disturb the PM’s afternoon nap.”

Rumours that the army has been placed on standby to ensure cardboard shelf filler supplies continue to reach supermarkets are thought to be true. Which will put joy into the even the most dispiriting trip to the shops.

“As long as we have the impression of food we can believe in food. Which is completely in keeping with Brexit.”

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BREAKING : Downing Street requests Russian army send HGV drivers to drive stock to UK shelves

A FRIEND IN NEED : Global Britons are set to reap the rewards of Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s refusal to investigate Russian interference in U.K. democracy.

The reticence on the part of the Tory government to investigate outside influence in our democratic processes at first seemed just a nice way to reward the Russian business people who are so generous to Tory Party coffers. But now it’s coming back around and everyone is advised to be grateful.

The cause is Mr Johnson finally finding a way to solve the HGV driver shortage which sees British supermarkets emptying of produce at an accelerating rate.

Initially it was expected that Mr Johnson, and Home Secretary Priti Patel, would weather the blowback from the insane, manic, swivel eyed, mouth foaming eurosceptics in their party and simply unwind the ending of Freedom of Movement. Rather than see British voters suffer. But that is the sort of backward thinking that won’t drive British shoppers forward.

Downing Street issued the following reassuring statement to ease the growing concerns over what were first empty shelves, and is now vanishing aisles headed for full blown crisis.

“The Prime Minister would like to extend his gratitude to the Russian Federation for their offer of assistance in our time of need. It came as a surprise that the EU would seek to punish its good friends across the English Channel, and deprive our domestic consumers of choice of nationality of HGV drivers. Happily the Russian President was moved by the images of Tesco which so strongly resembled the end of the Soviet Era.”

The first Russian army trained HGV drivers are expected to arrive later this week and Mr Johnson will hold a garden reception for them at Chequers.

The Home Secretary is also said to be considering expanding the scheme and seeking Russian assistance to build new “labour camps” for “unrepentant remoaners”.

A spokesman for the Labour Party declined to comment, pointing instead to party members who say “comrade” in every other sentence for comment.

Mr Johnson is expected to welcome Mr Putin to Downing Street later this month and give him the keys to 10 Downing Street because as far as governing the U.K. is concerned he can “no longer be bothered.”