LCD Views

GLOBAL BRITAIN LEAVES : British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has made a proper example of himself in recent years, especially when it come to adhering to the promises he’s made, but doesn’t intend to keep.

“To move the gaslighting from domestic to international was a tour de force,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “I don’t believe too many of our elder statesman would have had the balls to try it on with the unelected EU, but Johnson did. He’s got sufficient spunk for any blag. Girlfriend, the Great British Public or EU Council President.”

And the example of Mr Johnson will be key as the re-emerging powerhouse of Brexitannia cuts its own path through the thickets of international cooperation and statecraft.

“It seems the wily old Taliban aren’t that concerned about sticking to the agreement they made with Donald Trump. Which is a shock. Donald Trump is such a great deal maker. Boris Johnson is going to have a word with them.”

It’s believed Mr Johnson will draw on his deep personal experience at having Lord Frost negotiate the Withdrawal Agreement with the EU.

“Just say whatever you need to get them to shut up and sign it,” the source explains. “It worked a treat to get Brexit done. Worry about the fall out after you’ve got the desired result.”

The advice on offer to the extremists over in Afghanistan will be specially targeted.

“Look. You’ve made a commitment. You’ve given your word. You’ve got the result you required in the short term. Now do whatever you like and let other people worry about it. Just think about getting a human shield in case you need plausible deniability down the road. Get yourself a Lord Frost and have him issue most of the threats to tear up the agreement. Just follow Mr Johnson’s example.”

And if you’ve some spare US cash lying about after the evacuation of Western forces?

“Buy a peerage.”

HIDE AND SEEK : The British Army has a lot on its plate recently with the rolling collapse of traditional industry thanks to Brexit, and they’re about to get even busier.

Reconnaissance units especially, minesweepers and any other soldiers specialising in locating and finding have been given fresh orders to locate serving Tory MPs.

“Mr Johnson interrupted his dining plans yesterday to make a show of concern over Afghanistan. He was even prepared to recall Parliament to make a proper job of looking worried, but the whips couldn’t find any MPs to decorate the Commons chamber with. Of course, first he had to find the whips. Then someone realised we still have a Foreign Secretary, but they could be buggered if anyone knew where he was. Off somewhere warm looking surprised he was in post was thought a likely guess. It was a right mess. Finally one of the SPADS suggested scouring the beaches of the Med? Then we started to make headway.”

But although the likely location of a sufficient number of MPs has been correctly deduced to “as far away from Blighty as possible”, getting them to respond to calls to come home early is an uphill struggle.

“That’s why we’ve brought in the army. SAS as well as regulars. Some of those MPs are going to be tough nuts to crack. In particular the chaps with villas and chateaus etc. They turned their phones off at Heathrow. We’ll need to parachute in with special forces and shock them with rendition.”

One saving grace is the pandemic. While social distancing has been binned for the plebs, their betters in Parliament are still limited.

“We only need to rustle up a dozen or so. You’d think that would be a cinch? But you try finding even that many Tories with a classic British summer doing its cloudy best to scatter everyone to the Med! Ha! We should have dragged a few back by Wednesday though. Then we’ll have a right old handwringing festival in the chamber and make a bunch of promises for the Home Secretary to break later. You’ll see. Global Britain at its finest!”

CHAMBERLAINING ALONG : Global LEADER and part time U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to interrupt his tour of his mind palace to address the fast moving events in Afghanistan.

“The Prime Minister is very excited to address the dramatic and terrifying retaking of the country by the medievalists as he will be able to mix in some Ancient Greek references,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Oh and he’s desperately concerned over whatever is happening.”

While the lure of being able to show off with mention of Alexander the Great is certainly a plus for Britain’s greatest serving Prime Minister, he will also have more to play about with in what will be stirring oratory. If it’s 2am. And you’re drunk. And nothing really matters to you anymore but yourself.

“Churchill’s first book was set in what is now western Pakistan and eastern Afghanistan. It’s non-fiction, unlike the Prime Minister’s non-fiction works, which are mostly fictional and designed to use the topic to reflect his fictional idea of himself. But the fact of Churchill’s involvement is a bridge the PM can cross. This will help ease the real problem here which is a PM and a Home Secretary desperate to throw refugees out of the U.K. to keep their radicalised base content, but now finding they have to fly some in!”

But those who expected swifter action will have to be patient as it will take the PM several days to compose his barnstorming lecture on what is happening yesterday.

“This is why it’s taking days to recall Parliament. It’s not just getting enough MPs back to the U.K. to make a show of things. Then there’s Priti Patel. She has to be sedated so we can take in some refugees with links to U.K. armed services. And Raab. Let’s not forget the Foreign Secretary, even though that’s very easy. He has to be drilled with the knowledge Afghanistan is an actual country and not a command to teach a type of large hound to stand. That alone will take days. Then there’s the threat of Tory MPs resigning the whip over their government’s incompetence and lack of action. No wait. There’s no risk of that. They’ll just grandstand on social media like always.”

When it does arrive the speech won’t be all baffling and irrelevant classical references, there will be some measure of stick directed squarely at the extremists.

“Do you want to talk to Liz Truss and agree the basis of further negotiations for a trade deal or not? They have to have a good, long, hard think about that. If they don’t keep to the terms of the deal Trump did with them, and Johnson went along with they won’t be exporting too many cars to Britain.”

While all this is sorted everyone can at least be reassured that when it comes to the plight of refugees in mortal danger overseas Britannia will wield its sovereignty in a way that will demonstrate that Boris Johnson did his best. Days late. When there was only one option left.

BROKEN BRITAIN : Welcome confirmation from 10 Downing Street today that Prime Minister Boris Johnson will focus on self-promotion and let the Home Secretary “have at” the Afghan refugee crisis however she likes.

There was concern that Global Britain, famously now free of the shackles of Brussels, may choose to act in a humanitarian way befitting the urgency of events in Afghanistan. However reports from inside the Home Office have put those fears to rest.

“We’re going to ask one very important question each time we are faced with making a decision over this crisis, and indeed any humanitarian crisis,” a Home Office insider told LCD Views. “That question is what would Nigel Farage do?”

The guiding principle has a fail safe too.

“There is some worry that if the public pressure to assist Afghan refugees, who themselves assisted the British army over the last twenty years, grows too strong Mr Farage may switch position and call for us to help. So we’ll be taking our guidance from his 2016 EU ref ‘Breaking Point’ billboard. You recall the one? He unveiled it on the day Jo Cox was murdered by a far right terrorist and the U.K. political class just kinda got over its shock fast and barrelled along into Brexit. Zero lessons were learned and that’s the way Brexiters like it.”

While the UK’s descent, at government level, into a stinking cesspit of moral depravity and corruption is no surprise, and the bleed through into policy a natural consequence, the entire shitshow does show the importance of progressive politicians robustly challenging the racist dog whistles of degenerates.

“If they don’t then what is acceptable drifts further along the path to a living hell. We’re now at the point of not wanting to help women, men and children at serious risk of death because others may think we will help in similar situations. And let’s all take a moment to think about that and what it says about the United Kingdom today. We beat fascism, don’t you know.”