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BREAKING : SAS put on standby to ensure KFC receives chicken supplies

FRIED COUNTRY PIECES : News of shortages are in the headlines daily now as Global Britons seize hold of the advantages of shortages delivered by Brexit, but Britons can rest assured their world beating government is on top of the drama.

The army has been placed on standby to stick a finger in the dyke that holds back a flood of empty supermarkets. Just a normal, healthy representative country functioning properly after a criminal influenced national opinion poll became gospel. But it’s not just the trucker squaddies that are holding the ever thinning line which separates Global Britons from empty shelves.

“We can confirm that the Special Air Service has also been deployed to ensure there are no emergencies in food supply which would necessitate phoning the emergency services,” a MOD spokesman told LCD Views. “Specifically we are talking about KFC. And we are not choosing favourites. The parachute regiment is guarding McDonalds.”

Why the SAS has been deployed to guard the chicken lorries should be obvious, as reports of widespread foot riots are due any day now and we need the best of the best on active service.

But it’s not just the SAS which has been re-tasked to ensure the success of Brexit, the spy service is also now fully focused on domestic supply side issues.

“We can also confirm that the threat to the Prime Minister’s wine supply is being taken as a serious one,” the source continues. “A tank regiment has been placed on the lawn at Chequers. Anyone attempting to breach the defences will face lethal force. But we are working with our colleagues at both Mi5, Mi6, Mi7 and Mi8 to ensure the would be saboteurs never get that far. The 00’s are licensed to kill and to wine taste.”

There are not thought to be any national security implications arising from the redeployments as Global Britain is far too intimidating a target.

“Let me be clear, the country is not in any danger from external actors. And even if it were Boris Johnson’s government would not bother to find out. Enjoy your bargain buckets. Strong and stable government.”

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Scientists : “Finding a way to convert David Cameron’s sense of entitlement into energy can power UK”

ALL THAT GREEN SHIT : David Cameron is often back in the news these days, which may not be what he expected when he triggered the destruction of the United Kingdom and ran and hid in his Shepherd’s Hut Shed (which cost the average annual salary at the time).

Mostly he’s back in the news because he appears to have decided that his millions of inherited wealth aren’t sufficient for a man of his self worth, and he would like to find a way to funnel some good old fashioned taxpayer cash onto the top? All very Tory. Business as usual.

While the discussions and investigations into what he’s been up to in the Greensill saga will dominate the news agenda, scientists working on Climate Change have detected a potential benefit for all of humanity. And Mr Cameron is ground zero.

“Mr Cameron’s sense of entitlement is so eyewateringly dense that if a way can be found to convert it into energy we can power the entire UK for decades,” one leading climate scientist told LCD Views. “Give up on the cold fusion nonsense, tap into a Tory’s sense of entitlement!”

The idea is certainly unique and would give the UK a head start as the world seeks new forms of energy.

“The only snag will be futureproofing the technology,” the scientist adds. “It’s obvious there is a great enough sense of entitlement stored within Mr Cameron to power the country for millennia, the only issue will be storing it? We will be working with Tesla to develop the battery technology. Maybe Dom can get involved too!”

And for those that doubt Mr Cameron as a source of green fuel, you just have to look at what he’s done in and out of office. By his works will he be known, and by Greensill.

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BREAKING : Downing Street to prepare UK for Climate Change by refitting Big Ben as a lighthouse

NAVIGATING A CHANGING WORLD : The United Kingdom is set to lead the world on Climate Change by leading by example.

There are many measures that can be taken to combat the changes, but as the negatives will predominately impact on poorer nations and Priti Patel will ensure none of the victims reach our shores, HMG is taking different steps to prepare for the future.

“Yes, there will be some rise in sea levels,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “But that’s mostly from remainer tears, so I wouldn’t worry about that. Patriots will just stiffen their upper lips and get on with it. Floaties on arms, swimming for Britain. We won Brexit and now we’re going to win the changing climate. The same dark forces are behind both. Just look at the hot air output on social media.”

But that is not to say they won’t do anything, alongside banking donations from the fossil fuel industry to spout shite.

“We’re going to see the UK ready for any of the eventualities,” the source continues, “we will be a guiding light for future generations as they bob and bop along on the waves of apathy which will resonate from our present to their future.”

How exactly the UK will be a guiding light is the key question?

“We’re refitting Big Ben. The Elizabeth Tower for pedants. But Big Ben will be changing too. We’re swapping out the bell and installing the most powerful incandescent bulb ever built by man. You’ll be able to navigate your way as you paddle board to and from Sainsburys. Which, by the way, will be on a hovercraft.”

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Downing Street says rising sea levels will open up “new lands for British fishermen”

CRISIS IS OPPORTUNITY : Suggestions that the UK’s government isn’t serious about Climate Change can easily be retorted by pointing out the lengths Liz Truss is going to to foster trade relations with the far side of the world.

Once Patagonia and New Columbia are dependent upon British markets for their livelihoods they will be under great political pressure to ensure the trade remains viable. This underscores the UK Gov’s seriousness on the subject more than any major BBC platform like Newsnight asking Stanley Johnson on to opine on the subject. The British establishment is engaging in this subject in earnest.

But it’s not just distant lands that will benefit from our attempts to develop greener fossil fuels to transport goods, local British industries will see the benefits of Climate Change also.

“The fishermen will, that’s for certain,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Once the low lying areas of the UK flood then there will be even more sovereign British water for our domestic industry to prosper in. And no Scandinavian will be able to cast a line beside the Palace of Westminster or the new estuaries of West Sussex! Ha! Take that EU!”

The opening up of inland areas of England for fishermen will be particularly beneficial after the industry suffered a “mysterious and unexplained” setback this year.

“It may take a few decades for Sutton in South London to become a viable shellfish breeding region, so the fishermen will just have to be patient,” the source advises. “They can take advantage of the job prospects opening up in the haulage industry in the interim.”

Sunlit uplands of Brexit? What sunlit uplands? The sunken lowlands are where the real prizes lie. As the people who brought you Brexit can be guaranteed to do their upmost to bring you a changing climate…

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Get back to the office, says man who has never done an honest day’s work in his life

ALL WORK AND NO PAY: One of the positives to emerge from the pandemic is the realisation that many jobs can be done perfectly well from home. After all, if you do a desk job then it doesn’t really matter where that desk is. 

Therefore, the advice from the top is that everyone should head back to the office. It’s as if mobile phones and the Internet never existed. 

This is par for the course. This is a government that insists that up is down, that white is black (unless it refers to the colour of your skin), and that unicorns gambol merrily in the sunlit uplands. 

The first among unequals, Boris Johnson, is vocal about getting out of bed at some godforsaken hour, in order to put on uncomfortable clothes, and waste an hour or more travelling to an unpleasant office in order to be seen working. This is strange, because Johnson has never really done this himself. 

Even stranger, this announcement comes at a time when any self respecting government minister is not at work. He or she should be sunning himself at the expense of a donor who expects a favour in return. 

Well, someone has to work while the bosses are on their jollies. Otherwise we might all start to enjoy ourselves. 

The Great British Public will feel inspired by this. They will rush straight back to the rush hour, on the word of a gilded chancer who wouldn’t know honest hard work if it slapped him round the face with an oven ready kipper. 

So it’s a massive cheer for being squeezed into overcrowded trains without any obligation to take covid precautions. That’s OK, because we Got Covid Done in the same way as we Got Brexit Done. Yes. 

It’s almost as if the government neither cares nor learns its lessons. 

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Health Department changes “5 A Day” healthy eating advice to “5 A Week”

CHOICES CHOICES : The Health Department is working across government to make parenting easier and today sees the launch of the latest initiative.

Anyone who has or has had young children in the past knows how difficult it can be to get them to eat a broad range of fresh fruit and vegetables. Often they’ll have one or two favourites and the rest? Pah. Well thanks to Brexit that challenge is changing.

“5 A Week is the new way to keep your growing children hungry,” a Health Department spokesman told LCD Views. “Did I say hungry? I meant to say healthy. We’re working across departments with agriculture and trade to ensure that your children will no longer be screwing their little faces up and saying ‘What’s that?’ at food! It’s a very exciting time.”

While the initiative is not wholly unique, as Conservative ministers have been working tirelessly to make accessing food a means tested system since 2010, thanks to Brexit they’re able to ramp it up to a world beating standard.

“Over the coming months more and more families will feel the benefits of Brexit,” the spokesman continues. “And if you think those little angels have spent too much time in doors and on screens due to the mysterious way the pandemic has extended in the UK, well, you can always take them foraging for the ingredients to make pottage! Traditional British parenting is set for a mass comeback.”

To help embed the excellent new habits the Health Department will be working with major UK supermarkets.

“To ensure 5 A Week becomes the norm you’re going to see changes in the fresh produce aisles at your local shops,” the source adds, “one day they’ll only be bananas, the next only potatoes, another only bunches of coriander. Some days nothing at all!”

5 A Week – It’s only possible on the sunlit uplands of Brexit. You won’t be able to participate if you’re on Continental Europe.

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U.K. to declare war on itself and blame the EU

PRATTLE STATIONS : The British Army is set to get even busier in the coming weeks and months after the United Kingdom’s government declared WAR on the United Kingdom.

The declaration of war has not surprised many, but it does mean that Army HGV drivers will now have to fit in deliveries to major supermarkets in between attacking themselves. Army Chiefs are remaining characteristically tight lipped about the evolving situation. Many military observers expect they will be incredibly annoyed as it’s “hard enough dealing with customers who are irritated over substitutions on the doorstep without having to split a reduced army in half and have it fight itself”.

It had been expected that The Telegraph would be chosen to make the announcement and there are rumours that Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s bosses are not best pleased that he chose to inform the nation via the radio. This mistake has been put down to “drunkenness”.

Shortly before 8pm this evening Mr Johnson is said to have addressed the nation on one of Radio 4’s political programmes and said that “victory was certain because we’re fighting ourselves”.

This method has also upset the voters who have turned away from BBC political news in droves since the EU referendum as it is believed to give the “Gammon a strategic advantage, due to early warning”. Although given most of them can’t organise a piss up in a brewery, it’s not felt to be an insurmountable advantage.

How NATO will react is not yet clear as they will have to both attack and defend the United Kingdom until a ceasefire can be brokered.

Mr Johnson is expected to assume the rank of Rear Admiral and then retire to Chequers and let “others sort out the mess”, which is exactly how the UK came to declare war on itself in the first place.

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Police ordered to seize local allotments to ensure supplies of fresh veg for MPs

DIGGING FOR BRITAIN : Mass panic is being reported up and down the length and breadth of Blighty today after loyal voters realised that the food supplies of their MPs maybe at risk.

Clearly many are not aware that the risk is not immediate as most MPs are currently enjoying their summer recess on the Continent. There is however a danger that the best of us will be caught up in the food supply crisis when they reluctantly trudge back home to face what they’ve inflicted on the rest of us.

Ever forward thinking Mr Johnson has met with his advisors and decided on a solution to calm the fraying nerves of the people.

“He’s having Priti Patel order the Police to seize local fruit and veg allotments,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “Don’t tell anyone I told you though or I’ll be for it. If you’ve never seen Ms Patel in a rage in the office you’re fortunate.”

It’s believed the decision to seize locally grown produce will allow the owners of allotments to focus on what’s important.

“It’s about promoting community spirit,” the source continues. “It’s not going to be very good for public order if old Gary is sitting there on a mountain of marrows while his neighbour Beth is scouring the high road for a carrot. So if the general public are all in the same boat it will help everyone pull in the same direction.”

Ensuring that MPs are well fed through the crisis they’ve inflicted on the rest of us will do wonders for morale.

“It’ll really bring the public together. Seeing little tubby Francois still all tubby. Old Boris out running trying to shift the flab. Meanwhile you’re grubbing in the dirt of your peasants backyard hoping there’s a new potato somewhere? It’s a Very British Food Shortage. I expect the BBC will make a film about it.”

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Downing Street : “Blitz Spirit alone is worth 100K truckers so with 2K army that’s a surplus”

NOTHING TO FEAR : DOWNING STREET has moved today to reassure anxious global Britons who are becoming inordinately alarmed at the widening gaps in supermarket shelves.

Where it will lead no one knows, except the industry experts who have spent years warning about the dangers of Brexit. Oh, and millions of people who had access to Google in 2016 and afterwards.

“If we’d listened to the gloomsayers we’d never have delivered Brexit,” a well fed 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, in between courses. “Try the lobster thermidor? It’s nuclear. Here. Take two. It’s on the taxpayer. What about a drink? If you’re awake it’s well past time to have a glass or two. Ha! What were we talking about?”

Clearly there is nothing to worry about and “no need to panic”. This is because People’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson has called in the army. A standard Tory solution to any domestic crisis.

Critics of the situation are less than convinced however. They are doing the standard defeatist, unpatriotic, remoaner trick of basic maths.

“Look, what these worry worts who are talking the country down need to understand that any problem can be solved by just believing hard enough. Yes there are only 2000 army drivers. Yes they probably have other things to do than deliver frozen veg to a Tesco in Wiltshire. Yes that still leaves 98,000 drivers short. But so what? What about Blitz Spirit?”

And if that doesn’t work Mr Johnson has a backup plan.

“He’ll blame someone else and bugger off. It’s worked a charm his entire career. The only question left is where does he fail upwards to from here?” the source wonders. “Another glass? Don’t be shy. It’s on the taxpayer, just like Brexit.”

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Downing Street launches inquiry to determine how EU27 are “enticing” EU workers away from UK

WHAT’S GOING ON : The United Kingdom is rumoured to currently be suffering a shortage of workers in many sectors. This appear to have coincidentally followed the UK Government failing to prepare for Brexit, but is not related. Happily the government is taking action.

“We’re going to have an inquiry,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Firstly into how well the two pieces of art Mr Johnson spent £100K on work with Carrie’s choice of wallpaper? After that we’ll be getting right onto the severe shortages of staff.”

To be fair to Downing Street, when the Prime Minister rushed to get Brexit Done and then rushed to terminate the transition period, no one at all would have expected the EU27 workers to leave. A few simple forms to fill out and some fees to pay and anyone who wants can continue to work for us.

“We’re British. Why wouldn’t they still want to work for us? It’s pretty basic stuff. You can work in one of those other countries that doesn’t have an empire, or you can work for us? It’s a no brainer. We suspect someone has been enticing the workers away.”

It’s not believed the problem of mass shortages has a domestic cause because “Priti Patel has made it very obvious that anyone not born in England is not wanted.”

“We suspect the leaders of EU27 states have been trying to entice British workers to leave the United Kingdom, but because they don’t speak English they accidentally published their propaganda in their own languages. This misled hospitality, farm workers, NHS and truckers into believing they should leave. There’s no other possible explanation. It’s essentially sabotage to undermine Brexit. If you were trying to do that wouldn’t you offer to treat foreigners like human beings? The exact opposite of our policy. Underhand stuff. The EU should be ashamed of itself.”

The inquiry into the paintings will report later in the summer, with the less important one about the workforce to follow sometime before Christmas.

“With any luck we will have an answer by Christmas. You remember Christmas? We had it last year except last year we held 10,000 EU HGV drivers in a sodden and cold camp in Kent. Many local charities recall the event, they had to feed the truckers.”