Posted on

BREAKING : PM holds crisis talks over Afghan crisis – “How long will it distract from Brexit crisis?”

BY HIS MISDEEDS WILL HE BE REMEMBERED : U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson is said to be in crisis Zoom talks today with the Home Secretary.

It’s rumoured that Ms Patel has been texting the Prime Minister “non-stop” over the weekend as it dawned on her she is going to have to actually facilitate the “bringing of endangered human beings to the U.K.” and will have to wait until the media spotlight fades before “attempting to deport them”.

Mr Johnson has been reportedly keen to avoid talking directly with his Home Secretary on the subject of Afghanistan as he’s busy “making a new Afghanistan policy out of empty wine boxes” and wanted to let the craft glue set hard first. But in the end he has had to relent. It was either that or “buy another burner phone and keep the number from her”.

The crisis talks are not set to find a solution though as that would require “empathy, compassion and forward thinking”, which are not qualities either were raised to power to “utilise”.

The impact on the word’s vulnerable people from electing idiots to power in Britain has already been displayed by the cuts to foreign aid during a global pandemic, and Johnson going along with Trump on “whatever”.

One potential saving grace of the crisis is the potential for the humanitarian disaster in Afghanistan on “our watch” to distract for “two, maybe three days” in the U.K. from the steamrolling Brexit crisis.

“The pandemic can only hide the harm of Brexit for so long. Perhaps an international calamity can lift some of the slack?” a 10 Downing Street body snatcher told LCD Views.

Meanwhile, pressure inside 10 Downing Street continues to grow to designate and redecorate another nursery room as the search for a “willing donor” to pay for it goes on.

Posted on

BREAKING : Boris Johnson to quote some Churchill at Taliban and then go back on holiday

CHAMBERLAINING ALONG : Global LEADER and part time U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to interrupt his tour of his mind palace to address the fast moving events in Afghanistan.

“The Prime Minister is very excited to address the dramatic and terrifying retaking of the country by the medievalists as he will be able to mix in some Ancient Greek references,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Oh and he’s desperately concerned over whatever is happening.”

While the lure of being able to show off with mention of Alexander the Great is certainly a plus for Britain’s greatest serving Prime Minister, he will also have more to play about with in what will be stirring oratory. If it’s 2am. And you’re drunk. And nothing really matters to you anymore but yourself.

“Churchill’s first book was set in what is now western Pakistan and eastern Afghanistan. It’s non-fiction, unlike the Prime Minister’s non-fiction works, which are mostly fictional and designed to use the topic to reflect his fictional idea of himself. But the fact of Churchill’s involvement is a bridge the PM can cross. This will help ease the real problem here which is a PM and a Home Secretary desperate to throw refugees out of the U.K. to keep their radicalised base content, but now finding they have to fly some in!”

But those who expected swifter action will have to be patient as it will take the PM several days to compose his barnstorming lecture on what is happening yesterday.

“This is why it’s taking days to recall Parliament. It’s not just getting enough MPs back to the U.K. to make a show of things. Then there’s Priti Patel. She has to be sedated so we can take in some refugees with links to U.K. armed services. And Raab. Let’s not forget the Foreign Secretary, even though that’s very easy. He has to be drilled with the knowledge Afghanistan is an actual country and not a command to teach a type of large hound to stand. That alone will take days. Then there’s the threat of Tory MPs resigning the whip over their government’s incompetence and lack of action. No wait. There’s no risk of that. They’ll just grandstand on social media like always.”

When it does arrive the speech won’t be all baffling and irrelevant classical references, there will be some measure of stick directed squarely at the extremists.

“Do you want to talk to Liz Truss and agree the basis of further negotiations for a trade deal or not? They have to have a good, long, hard think about that. If they don’t keep to the terms of the deal Trump did with them, and Johnson went along with they won’t be exporting too many cars to Britain.”

While all this is sorted everyone can at least be reassured that when it comes to the plight of refugees in mortal danger overseas Britannia will wield its sovereignty in a way that will demonstrate that Boris Johnson did his best. Days late. When there was only one option left.

Posted on

Famous billboard will be “moral backbone” of UK response to Afghan refugee crisis – Home Office

BROKEN BRITAIN : Welcome confirmation from 10 Downing Street today that Prime Minister Boris Johnson will focus on self-promotion and let the Home Secretary “have at” the Afghan refugee crisis however she likes.

There was concern that Global Britain, famously now free of the shackles of Brussels, may choose to act in a humanitarian way befitting the urgency of events in Afghanistan. However reports from inside the Home Office have put those fears to rest.

“We’re going to ask one very important question each time we are faced with making a decision over this crisis, and indeed any humanitarian crisis,” a Home Office insider told LCD Views. “That question is what would Nigel Farage do?”

The guiding principle has a fail safe too.

“There is some worry that if the public pressure to assist Afghan refugees, who themselves assisted the British army over the last twenty years, grows too strong Mr Farage may switch position and call for us to help. So we’ll be taking our guidance from his 2016 EU ref ‘Breaking Point’ billboard. You recall the one? He unveiled it on the day Jo Cox was murdered by a far right terrorist and the U.K. political class just kinda got over its shock fast and barrelled along into Brexit. Zero lessons were learned and that’s the way Brexiters like it.”

While the UK’s descent, at government level, into a stinking cesspit of moral depravity and corruption is no surprise, and the bleed through into policy a natural consequence, the entire shitshow does show the importance of progressive politicians robustly challenging the racist dog whistles of degenerates.

“If they don’t then what is acceptable drifts further along the path to a living hell. We’re now at the point of not wanting to help women, men and children at serious risk of death because others may think we will help in similar situations. And let’s all take a moment to think about that and what it says about the United Kingdom today. We beat fascism, don’t you know.”

Posted on

U.K. defence never stronger after army deployed in all areas of public life

DEFENCE MATTERS : Security analysts have spoken to the press today to give a thumbs up to Boris Johnson and his UKIP government for the strides they’ve made in strengthening the UK’s defence via Brexit.

“There are daily new stories of the army being deployed to counteract the impact of Brexit on civil life,” Doctor Armee told LCD Views. “As a former serving Tory MP I must declare an interest, but even so it’s incredibly impressive.”

The main source of the renewed strength appears to be the deployment of the U.K. defence forces domestically in so many sectors.

“Some said that the decision to strip the armed forces to the bone in the austerity years was shortsighted, but those amateur defence commentators didn’t take into account the tangible benefits of Brexit,” the Doctor explains. “We now have soldiers driving grocery deliveries, ambulances, picking crops, running fishing trawlers, doing rubbish collection and all manner of public service. You just think about invading the U.K. now! Anywhere you land you’ll run into a member of the armed services and gotcha!”

The government will of course take due credit for the even distribution of military personnel around the country.

“Some people say Prime Minister Boris Johnson and his loyalists are just a bunch of corrupted idiots whose brains have been turned into Swiss cheese by years of mingling with kleptocrats. Well it’s clear now that they haven’t, their brains are 100% English Cheddar and we can all be proud of it.”

The only potential snag appears to be if we run out of serving personnel to re-task with duties to keep public life just about functional, before the EU dies of embarrassment and sends all those workers we threw out back.

“There’s an easy solution to that,” the analyst analizers. “We just make access to tertiary education means tested and conscript all the poor kids into the defence forces. Your KFC will get its chicken delivered once little Tommy from Hackney has it explained to him that he is serving the country now as a squaddie delivering to fast food chains. With the added bonus of serving in the army could never be safer.”

The next person who collects your waste could be a solider. Brexit Britain. Never has a country made itself safer.

Posted on

Boris Johnson appoints his empty wine box as Minister for Brexit Benefits

CHAMPAGNE GOVERNMENT : Prime Minister Boris Johnson has sent a fire ship straight into the anti-Brexit fleet today by appointing a new Minister for Brexit Benefits.

Questions have been asked for some time why an entire new ministry has not been established by Johnson’s government to manage the sunlit uplands, given Brexit is such a roaring success the Official Opposition dare not talk about it. Today Mr Johnson has answered those questions with characteristic flair.

“The new Ministry will have all the budget,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “Whatever is left after we’ve rewarded our donors will go straight into the Ministry. This will help the NHS in particular by providing certainty over its future.”

The Minister itself is not a surprise as it is just an empty wine crate Mr Johnson left in the corner of his office after lunch yesterday.

“He’s called it Franklin, just so people have a handle for it. But there is no handle because it’s an empty wine crate. Not just any empty box though, it’s got Pernod-Ricard Perrier-Jouet stamped on the side.”

The portfolio of the new minister is not thought to be too exacting and should be easily managed by an inanimate object.

“The Minister will be going through the contact lists of the cabinet and appointing a diverse range of Tory MP linked figures to the staff. In spite of the current drive to get back into the office they will all work from home. This is because there will be no work to do.”

This is because there are no Brexit benefits.

“To say there are no Brexit benefits is a lie. If you’ve backed it politically you’re making hay right now, which is a surprise given the sun refuses to shine, not just this summer, especially on Brexit.”

Posted on

BREAKING : Matt Hancock returns as Minister for Ministerial Reputations

MINISTER FOR MATT : Exciting news this morning bursting, exploding and cascading out of the Westminster bubble that disgraced political superstar Matt Hancock is to return to the cabinet.

Speculation has been building for days that Mr Hancock was due to be rehabilitated. I mean, why wouldn’t he? He’s such a talent. Anyone doubting the reliability of this invented story just needs to look at the career of the Home Secretary and all the ghastly shit she’s gotten away with, even before her current posting. Even a six figure pay out for bullying can’t dislodge her, yet.

What new role to find for Mr Hancock seems to have caused some delay with many options being considered.

“It had to be a new Ministry,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “This is a government of all the talents and all the positions are filled by geniuses. We did consider making him Minister for Whatsapp but that seemed too much like laughing in the public’s face. Minister for Locating Michael Gove was also a possibility, but even little Matt Hancock would likely turn that down. Then we got it just by looking at Mr Hancock’s career, and what will soon happen to the whole crew once the Brexit catastrocountryshag really kicks into gear. And the Ministry for Ministerial Reputations was born. It will receive a starting budget of £350m per week.”

It’s believed Mr Hancock’s focus will mostly be protecting Boris Johnson’s reputation. His plummeting popularity risks seeing him replaced in the classic Tory bloodbath, which is now overdue. But he’ll also have time for his strongest obsession.

“That is himself. Matt. Minister for Matt. He’ll try and craft the job to that end. You just have to look at how he invoked the war dead in the hope of becoming PM, before throwing them under the bus, to understand what his primary focus is.”

Posted on

KFC now KFT as turnips replace chicken

A TURNIP IN THE SHAPE OF A THINGY: Fast food favourites KFC are having trouble sourcing those juicy nuggets of chlorinated joy. Instead, they are turning to a very British solution, and substituting vegetables for meat. 

“It’s a cock up,” groaned chicken buyer Dick Lycavegetable. “Our customers expect chicken cooked within an inch of its life, dunked in spicy breadcrumbs and served with reconstituted fried potato stix. There will be riots!” 

Just like the last time KFC ran out of chicken. But Lycavegetable had an innovative solution. 

“To be honest, all you can really taste is spice and MSG,” admitted Lycavegetable. So whatever is actually being consumed is irrelevant. So long as our customers think that they are eating chicken, they are happy!”

The solution turned out to be the Great British Turnip. “Cooked for long enough, a turnip goes stringy and tasteless like chicken. So it’s a perfect substitute! KFC no longer, we will henceforth be known as KFT!” 

The shortages are being blamed on foreigners. Specifically, the EU. “The EU forced shortages of KFC on us as punishment!” claimed Tory MP Sir Blabber McGobshite. “It’s covid, it’s got to be, they are so jealous of our vaccines and our superior death rates. Stands to reason. Innit. That’s why the lorry drivers have gone home. Someone must remind them that they need us more than we need them. It’s chickens coming home to roost!”

But not to KFC apparently. It’s clucking madness, and is being egged on by featherweights like McGobshite. 

All this pussyfooting around the elephant in the room won’t bring home the bacon.

Expect fast vegetables to become the new normal. Tick into piri piri swede, cabbage vindaloo, or sweet and sour pumpkin balls. 

Sit back and watch the feathers fly as KFC lovers get the bird. Cheer as gammons become vegetarian by default. 

And if you don’t want that turnip, I’ll have it. Cheers! 

Posted on

Government urges Brits to spend Brexit bonus in local supermarkets

GRIN WHEN YOU’RE WINNING : 10 DOWNING STREET is putting itself firmly behind this nation of shopkeepers today with a new drive to encourage voters to spend their Brexit bonuses.

For some time it has been a source of confusion to 10 Downing Street why Brits aren’t rushing into the shops and rushing home with some unique bargains. It’s certainly true that Mr and Mrs Johnson are doing their part to aid the economic recovery by spending the money of donors. But ordinary plebs who have to spend their own money also have a job to do.

“Hardly anyone is dying each day now from the pandemic,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’re looking to plateau at a 100 completely avoidable fatalities a day without counting up what that means each month. So there’s no reason not to crowd into your local shops with the people who no longer wear a mask.”

Although the warm words are welcome and will certainly cause a boost to high street takings, some may need more encouragement.

“We are disappointed that some retailers aren’t doing everything they can to boost the economy,” the source continues. “The usual range of goods may occasionally be missing from shops due to a spell cast by an ancient Babylonian witch, but that should force innovative new British made product lines.”

In particular 10 Downing Street appears to be thinking of souvenirs. Which is fitting as this is a unique period in the history of the United Kingdom.

“You‘re going to feel pretty silly when all you have to hold as a momento of this time is the ration book you’ll be getting from Boris Johnson this Christmas,” they advise. “When you could have also bought one of those cardboard shelf fillers from Sainsbury’s. This is where supermarkets need to think outside of the box, even if the box was once filled with fresh fruit and veg and is now filled with cardboard.”

Posted on

Boris Johnson leads fight against Climate Change by dramatic reduction in HGV traffic

THINK OF THE CARPARK IN KENT : The United Kingdom’s Prime Minister, and son of noted environmentalist Stanley, has taken to the Downing Street press room today to celebrate the most striking success of his Brexit.

While the saboteurs and gloomsters moan on about staff shortages and short shelf life fruit and veg Mr Johnson has his hands firmly wrapped on the shaft of success.

“I’m tumescent with joy,” he told the assembled press in the £2.5m Russian built room. “I’m stiff with ecstasy at what we’ve been able to achieve simply by a few tweaks to immigration law and by imprisoning ten thousand EU drivers in Kent last Christmas. If I was a steam train entering a tunnel I’d toot!”

The cause of the big headedness appears to be the environmental gains that Brexit is delivering.

“Many said that by dismantling our long standing trade with our nearest neighbours in an attempt to replicate it with less savoury regimes on the other side of the world that our carbon cost would escalate,” Mr Johnson beamed. “But just look already at what we’ve achieved? Are the Kent lorry parks full? No! Are the motorways clogged with trucks? Not at all! Brexit has reduced our heavy goods vehicle emissions in a way no secure food supply chain could.”

To celebrate the achievement Mr Johnson is going to do something a little unusual for a serving Prime Minister.

“I’m not like old Dubya across the pond who waited for retirement to turn his hand to art, although his portraits are excellent,” Mr Johnson enthused. “I’ve started already. Arts and crafts with empty wine crates. And later today I will place my latest creation outside Downing Street for everyone to celebrate.”

A nation waits with bated breath.

“I have made a model of your local Tesco’s fruit and vegetable aisles out of empty wine crates. It is exceptionally simple. I just lined the empty crates up next to each other and painted on a sign that says veg.”

Posted on

BREAKING : Johnson and Sunak in crunch talks over transfer price of U.K. Premiership

THE BUCK STOPS WHERE : The United Mingingdom’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson is said to have entered crunch talks over the price of handing the premiership over to rising Tory star Rishi “Bootstrap” Sunak.

It’s understood the talks over what Mr Johnson wants to pass the coveted prize of British politics over to Mr Sunak have been in preliminary stages for some time with the negotiations so far conducted in writing.

“Boris keeps losing the letters,” a 10 Downing Street insider tells LCD Views. “It’s slowed the negotiations down no end. Rishi is getting impatient and there’s a risk he may walk away from talks altogether if the PM doesn’t cut the pillow talk and get down to business.”

While a straight purchase of what is theoretically an elected post would be the most likely, it is also rumoured that there is a possibility of buying a controlling stake in operations at 10 Downing Street from its current largest shareholder, Rupert Murdoch. Mr Johnson can stay on as the public face of the business, but with little actual involvement in day to day decision making. Clearly that is a tempting proposition for all involved as it means the least change to how the business of government operates currently.”

Critics of the decision by the Prime Minister to sell his post to Mr Sunak have voiced their concerns over the degregation of representative democracy in the U.K. but they’ve been ignored.

“They clearly have not been paying attention to what’s happened to U.K. parliamentary sovereignty since Brexit and the decision to take back control and give it all to Boris and his backers,” the source laughs, “and what will they do to stop the sale? Mr Johnson will legislate for it and his party will pass it into law before the Queen adds her stamp. It’s pretty much a done deal.”

Advocates of the sale are thought to believe that allowing the free market to decide who runs the country is the best way to secure its future.

“Mr Sunak brings a wealth of experience to the business of government and can be guaranteed to keep giving customers of 10 Downing Street what they know and love,” a bland press release states.

“It is our hope that Mr Johnson will decide to stay with 10 Downing Street after the sale and transfer of executive power is concluded to ensure the manufacture of first rate sound bites for public consumption is unaffected. And also to turn up with a mop in public when required, as Mr Sunak doesn’t have the hair for that.”