LCD Views

JUST THE GREATEST MINDS : Alarming reports this morning of a man described as “prominent in the Cretan beach circuit” stuck outside his office for hours.

The individual concerned is said to have worked up a “slather of sweat” and to be “straining every sinew” in his powerful brain as he attempts to enter the building.

Apparently numerous people have tried to help during the ordeal, but in spite of watching them enter successfully he has been unable to “replicate the amazing feat” personally.

There is talk of bringing the army in to open the door for the throbbing vein, but getting a time slot for their arrival is difficult as they are already “overwhelmed delivering groceries, driving ambulances and generally attempting valiantly to staunch the haemorrhage in civil society caused by Brexit”.

It appears the man’s unfamiliarity with his place of work has complicated matters and he has no practice of personally opening the door, going inside and getting down to work.

It is hoped his increasingly desperate cries of frustration may eventually lead to an intervention and he will be able to go inside. Presumably to nap.

“Civil servants working for the man have provided detailed briefs on how to enter the Foreign and Commonweath Office building by the front door but he appears not to have read them,” a source at scene reports. “He instead mistook them for underwear, hearing the world briefs, and lost hours trying to wear the papers both in and out of the folder they came in.”

A possible solution is being sought of having someone inside go out and open the door, but there are concerns that will just enrage him.

“There’s a instruction on the door which says ‘PUSH’, but he just keeps on pulling,” the source adds. “It’s not a serious concern. It’s not like he does any work anyway.”

GLOBALLY SHAMED : The UK’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson is said to be “snacking heavily” and “feeling a little bit drowsy” after staying up all night attempting to phone the Taliban.

It’s unreliably reported that at the time of going to print he’s been on hold waiting to talk to the leaders of the group and has been “for hours”. Although reassuringly the endurance test “didn’t stop him having his usual port and whiskey in the small hours”.

It seems after Mr Johnson failed to convince President Joe Biden to even talk to him about the situation in Afghanistan he decided to call the country’s temporary new rulers and talk to them directly.

“The PM figured he’d use his famous charm and sense of humour and win the Taliban over to his way of thinking,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He even has a slogan ready to go – Get Evacuations Done. It’s a showstopper.”

It’s believed his staff did initially manage to connect him to the leader of the Taliban, who promptly asked him to call back on a premium rate phone number.

“Mr Johnson figured it was some kind of test of his sincerity and phoned back on the premium rate number,” the source explains. “Although he waited a few minutes so the Taliban would start to worry if he was never calling again. If they had blown their chance to get on his good side.”

But it seems when he did call back the phone was answered promptly by a staffer in Kabul who then asked him to “Hold please while I transfer your call”. Next there was some muffled background conversation and giggling, before waiting music started playing.

“Vivaldi’s Four Seasons is the waiting music. Mr Johnson is currently listening to autumn for the 10th time and waiting for the start of spring. He will make the breakthrough. He’s got his Alexander the Great gags all ready and waiting to go.”

The per minute cost of the call hasn’t been revealed, although like all of Mr Johnson’s choices it is likely to run into the millions and the taxpayer will foot it.

“If Churchill was alive today he’d do exactly the same,” the source adds, “Boris keeps saying it. Although unlike Churchill, Boris Johnson is an idiot.”

LET THEM EAT CAKE : 10 Downing Street has triggered another controversy of the “one rule for us and another for them” category today after a completely unfounded and fabricated rumour was invented and published.

The rumour takes its inspiration from the extravagant spending of the UK’s real royal couple, the Johnson’s, who hit the headlines for donor funded wallpaper right when they were trying to keep meals out of the mouths of hungry children.

Events this week, as the U.K. food supply chain continues in uninterrupted meltdown, will supply even more opportunity for double standards.

“It’s important the the plebs understand that they are plebs,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “This is why Mr Johnson and his cabinet of clowns routinely break the ministerial code and the actual law without consequence. But you just try not paying a parking fine and see what happens to you. Ha! Plebs!”

This understood it makes perfect sense for the couple to spend a rumoured two hundred thousand taxpayer pounds to have a McDonalds’ thickshake flown in from Brussels. Brussels was chosen because of its EU resonance and also because it still has a milk supply to fast food outlets. We don’t because of Brexit.

Everyone will be able to share the joy as Mr Johnson sucks on that straw until every last drop of thickshake has been consumed.

“He’s going to live stream drinking the shake and then laugh at you all for a full hour,” the source adds. “After that he’ll take questions on how good it tasted and whether or not having it flown back on the expensively repainted Union Flag jet added to the flavour?”

A SPLASH IN THE PAN : There was always going to be a long list of losers and losers from Brexit, something the pushers of the crystal meth of politics were determined to point out.

Who can forget the long list of memorable warnings such as “We don’t hold any cards”, “Once we leave we’ll starve”, “We need the EU more than it needs US” and “Listen to the experts – they all say Brexit is batshit”, but merrily went the Great British into a toothless wilderness.

But one loser is feeling it more keenly than most. Nigel Farage’s dry cleaner who fears that Brexit will now bring him bankruptcy.

“It was great a year or two back,” the anonymous small businessman told LCD Views. “Remember when the fash were getting milkshaked the moment they stepped outside? Fantastic for business. All those donor bought Saville Row suits needing dry cleaning? And milkshake is bloody hard to get out. Even when I did my best old Nige would still have a whiff of sour milk with his usual cologne of stale fags, stale beer, halitosis and 1930’s beliefs. So he’d buy a new suit and bam! Milkshaked again. What a hoot!”

Sadly for the dry cleaner to the stars the good times are now in the past.

“That’s it for me. The McDonalds’ milkshake crisis spells the death kneel for my business. I don’t know what I’ll do now? Unless some fishermen can be found to fling burley at him? That’s a long line though. I guess I’ll have to retrain for a new career in cyber. Or maybe as a ballerina?”

At least for the evergreen menagerie of British politics it’s a happy day. Mr Farage can now go goosestepping about the town and not worry about an incoming shake to take him down.