Posted on

May to visit foodbank for Halloween and carve “pumpkin means pumpkin” into pumpkin

The office of the prime minister let rip this morning with the exciting news that Theresa May is to visit a foodbank today and carve “pumpkin means pumpkin” into a pumpkin.

LCD Views spoke to an aide to the PM to find out more about this genius idea.

“It was the result of intense focus group work over the last twenty four hours,” Mr Rope Babylon illuminated, “we asked nine hungry people what would be the best way for their prime minister to show she scares this Halloween?”

The most popular answer was for the prime minister to go trick or treating with Michael Gove and Jeremy Hunt, but given the last minute nature of the initiative it was believed it would not be possible to get the costumes ready in time.

“The focus group said they didn’t need costumes, but clearly they missed the point of Halloween.”

The second most popular idea put forward by the group was for Ms May to personally visit a foodbank and feed the people.

“We liked that. Straight to the top of the list. We spoke to a few advisors and decided it would be best if she did something traditional while at the chosen foodbank. Perhaps fly on a broom or coat brussel sprouts in chocolate for the children. There were many great ideas.”

LCD Views is aware of which foodbank has been selected, although we are sworn to secrecy. We have however secured a phone interview with one of the managers of the community based enterprise to get their reaction.

“She is going to stand there amongst dozens of humiliated voters and lead them in carving edible pumpkins into the faces of hallowed Conservative Party leaders of the past such as Maggie and IDS. She’s insane. Food hygiene rules mean no one will be able to even use the discarded pumpkin innards to cook with afterwards. I don’t know what she hopes to achieve with this stunt?”

We took that criticism back to Mr Babylon.

“They really can’t see beyond the end of their noses, these bleeding hearts,” Rope retorted, “Now, which do you think is catchier? Pumpkin means pumpkin or red, white and blue pumpkins?”

Posted on

UK Gov to buy Monarch out of administration and force fly traitors to Thanet

Theresa May sent a sacrificial junior minister out amongst hungry journalists this morning to announce she has ordered Monarch bought out of administration for the purpose of forcibly flying pro-EU voters to Thanet in Kent on package holidays.

“Monarch by name, monarch by nature,” Mr Largeli Jobbli, MP for Basildon-on-Firth began, “and our Prime Minister is going to raise the phoenix from the ashes and revitalise a long neglected corner of the UK at the same time. You could say it’s two phoenixes for the price of one.”

Details of how the remain sympathetic voters will be forced to board the refloated airliners were sketchy, but Mr Jobbli was cheerful, full of what traitors can expect upon arriving in Thanet.

“Constant electronic supervision. A gold standard for attentive government. Biometric testing to ensure they receive the correct ration packs. Negligible medical care. This will actually be a boon for the private sector. We will be putting out to tender the contract to supervise these subversives during their relaxing re-education. Well, it will be G4S who wins the contract, but we’ll have the expected tender circus to keep up appearances.”

Apparently, large plastic palm trees have been installed and lucky punters will be encouraged to sit through a cabaret of Nigel Farage lookalikes who will sing and dance to a soundtrack which fully realises the possibilities presented by Brexit.

“This is a cross government initiative,” Lobbli enthused, “the Department for education will soon be issuing guidelines for all schools on how teachers can encourage their pupils to be the eyes and ears of the government in the home. So we go forward as one nation to the sunny uplands of negotiating trade deals alone against America, governed by our friend Donald, and China, who are building us a cheap nuclear power plant, there are only good outcomes. To expect anything less is probably actually treason.”

If you’re signing petitions calling for the people to have the final say on any Brexit deal or no deal, pack your bags, you’ll soon be flying Monarch to Thanet.

You won’t even need a passport.

But probably best to pack a blue one, just in case you stumble across an inflatable washed up on the beach and make good your escape across the channel.