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I’m the one pulling the strings, says puppet PM

Prime Minister Theresa May is outraged at the suggestions that Boris Johnson and Michael Gove are trying to control her. “It’s me pulling the strings, not them,” she reportedly snapped, when asked who was actually running the country.

Gove appeared recently on the Andrew Marr Show, and denied all knowledge of Johnson’s latest gaffe. This seems to be his modus operandi – “I know nothing!” Worryingly these two most inexpert characters have been discovered actually pulling the strings behind the scenes.

Gove repeated the phrase “I know nothing!” over and over again. He only shut up when it was pointed out that he sounded like a famous TV character.

LCD’s Rat-Smelling correspondent paid a visit to Johnson’s office, and discovered him hastily concealing a book entitled “Marionettes Made Easy”. Boris proceeded to charm the pants off your correspondent with an eloquent speech comprised of Latin, random Shakespearian quotes and gibberish.

May may be keeping her enemies too close. Machiavelli’s Guide to Political Brinkmanship and Empty Rhetoric recommends an optimum distance of one arm’s length. Johnson and Gove are close enough to see the whites of her eyes behind her blackout shades.

The curtain is raised, and the motley cast of unsavoury characters prepares to act out their eternal struggle.

And so the puppet show commences. The Constable and the Foreigner are swiftly removed by the swingeing club of Mr Punch (as played by Johnson). Judy (May) takes repeated blows, while parroting empty slogans. The puppeteer makes her jerk around in a wooden fashion.

Streams of Foreigners invade the stage, and are repelled by a string of pork sausages. Judy remains standing – just.

A quick peek backstage reveals the hand of a master puppeteer controlling the entire show. The tragicomedy approaches its climax, and the great God-like Puppet Master smiles. He showers the captivated audience with bile and venom, and smiles again as they beg for more.

A quick pull on a couple of strings, and Mr Punch’s club is raised to apply the coup de grace.

That’s the way to do it!

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Paradise Papers shock ‘Sea of Tranquility’ listed headquarters for over 50,000 companies avoiding tax

There were further shock revelations from the ‘Paradise Papers’ today with the publication of extracts suggesting the Moon was declared a crown dependency in 2011 and has been turned into a tax haven.

LCD Views’ Tax, Manners and Small Nails specialist studied the extracts and provided the following breakdown:

“You’ve got to help me! I can’t do this anymore!”

The breakdown finished, he told us what he thought about the latest revelation.

“It’s hardly surprising,” Mr H.M Cola said, “With public awareness of the generally legal, but it is argued deeply immoral, use of offshore tax havens increasing steadily, and with it a clamour for reform, tax dodgers are having to go to greater and greater distances to hide their money.”

It’s believed three craters on the Moon are used as legal headquarters for businesses looking to “off planet” their assets, but those three craters are already the listed address of some 50K individual companies.

“They’re all in the Sea of Tranquility,” H.M. added, “although I suspect once the new EU regulations targeting tax avoidance come into force in 2019 they will either move to the dark side of the moon or perhaps London, should Brexit happen.”

As to how individuals set up their elaborate schemes is the subject of ongoing scrutiny.

“It’s all done electronically I suspect. I don’t believe anyone actually physically goes there to do it.”

The revelation has piqued the interest of a famous British electronic manufacturer who is rumoured to be planning a combined factory and pub (with a business colleague) so long as the regulations are sufficient to encourage competitive employment conditions.

Asked what they intended to do about the Moon a representative for the Treasury had this response,

“Wheel out some aged humanitarian to try and draw moral equivalency between billionaires avoiding tax and cash in hand workers like we always do. What do you want from us? The Moon on a stick?”

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Theresa May wins award from environmental pressure group for reduced power use

The Prime Minister was said to be ecstatic today after receiving a letter informing her she has won an award from an environmental pressure group actively working to help her decrease her consumption of power.

‘Give a little Gove’, long known for its deep concern to all issues relating to power, and the environment, made the decision to award Ms May the gong after consultation with like minded activist, Mr. Johnson.

“We don’t always see eye to eye,” M. Gove, chairman of the group is believed to have written to Ms May, “but when it comes to your steadfast commitment to consuming less of the nation’s power day by day, we applaud you.”

The joint decision to write and inform the prime minister is also a heartening return to unity for the power crazed political savages, wait, the deeply concerned environmentalists committed to bringing in a new regime of power use all through government.

“If she continues on the current trajectory,” Mr Gove praised, “she’ll be an example for all of Europe of what a commitment to reducing your own power consumption through 180 degree ideological about faces can do for political legacies.”

But the award is not without controversy.

Various other environmental pressure groups believe writing a physical letter to the prime minister is a wanton squandering of resources and can only serve to increase the output of carbon dioxide from within and about Downing Street.

“They should just get the press to make the announcement,” D. Green chided, “like they did with my award for novel uses of government technology.”

LCD Views approves of the award and would encourage others to applaud alongside.

Some of her policies have left us a little incandescent, but her commitment to the current path, which includes a personal deadline for success, can only ultimately be to everyone’s benefit.

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Warnings issued as captain of HMS Global Britain determined to sail with or without lifeboats

The titanic ship HMS Global Britain has been launched amid a fanfare of polarised opinion. Naysayers have complained bitterly about the blatant lack of lifeboats and other safety features. Supporters don’’t care, and just want her to sail as soon as possible.

HMS Global Britain is owned by the Brown Nose Line. It was conceived as a result of negotiations between the head Brown Noser, Mr Farage, and the Australian multi-billionaire, Mr Murdoch. Constructed in secret and in great haste, maritime insurance company DUP of London has been heavily bribed to declare her seaworthy.

Unsurprisingly, the dissent has not subsided. Maritime experts from across the British Isles, and beyond, have repeatedly warned that sailing a shoddily-built tub completely lacking safety features is a recipe for disaster.

The First Lord of the Admiralty, Mr Gove, has dismissed the so-called “experts”. In bold fashion, he states, “”Unlike these unelected minions, I have a powerful mandate. Therefore I speak with the authority of the people.””

Without wishing to linger upon the identity of Mr Gove’’s “powerful mandate” (rumoured to be a certain Mr Johnson), the matter seems to be resolved. HMS Global Britain will sail on 29 March, 2019, whether fully fitted out or not.

The rich and greedy have rushed to buy tickets for her maiden voyage to the brave new world. Anyone refusing to clamour for tickets has been branded a traitor and a saboteur by Mr Murdoch’’s camp.

With tickets priced at up to £80,000 each (at 2017 values), a black market has opened up for people resorting to desperate measures to raise funds. Tales of organs, and even limbs, being sold are circulating. The most desirable suites cost an arm and a leg.

The captain, Mrs May, has been warned of inclement conditions at sea in March. If you steer too far to the right, she has been told, you run the risk of running into an iceberg and sinking without trace.

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Man who tied himself to railway tracks convinced engine steaming down line has more to lose

A man who has tied himself to some railway tracks in a leafy part of little England is sure the locomotive steaming down the line towards him has more to lose when it hits.

“There’s nothing you can say that will convince me a man can’t stop a locomotive in its tracks if he just believes in himself,” Mr Barry Welleave told LCD Views Karma correspondent.

“I wanted my best mate to join me, but all he’s done since I made my decision is moan and undermine me so I’ve unfriended him down the pub. Sod him. It’ll be easier to stop this train if he put his shoulder in behind me though. I told him we just have to believe in ourselves. He told me some facts in return. What use are they?”

The train itself, catchily titled ‘Fate’ has been running along the same lines for many years and there’s no sign that the driver has noticed just how stubbornly Mr Welleave has roped himself down.

“I could probably wriggle out in time if I tried, but that would be a bit embarrassing, so I reckon on staying put and seeing this out now.”

The tracks are starting to vibrate rather heavily and our correspondent is now trying to undo the ropes.

“Leave off mate. You can’t tell me what to do!”

A suggestion that being turned to mince by the approaching iron giant will leave lasting consequences was similarly rejected.

“Moan. Moan. Moan. Are you the moanatour? Sure it may hurt a little initially, but I’ll be right just as soon as I superglue myself back together.”

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Trump and Putin agree to fight the five visible signs of ageing together

The worlds of plastic surgery, toupee makers and Botox suppliers were exhilarated to hear two old men have joined together to fight the five visible signs of ageing.

After an unofficial meeting yesterday, which had nothing whatsoever to do with criminal investigations and the mass use of “bots” to influence social media, the best friends stood side by side, to show their commitment to the common cause.

“We won’t stop until no one gets old,” the bottle blonde affirmed during a joint press conference.

“For too long younger generations having grown up fearing baldness, wrinkles, bad breath, loss of muscle mass and a reduction in pleasure during love making. This will not stand any longer. In a series of tweets I will be outlining my good friend’s plans here for how we can achieve our aim.”

It’s not exactly clear why the dynamic duo have decided to prevent people suffering the five signs of ageing, but their energy for the task is clear, even if their motivation is a little murky.

“Good wigs. Botox. Skin lifts. Regular exercise with friends, such as bareback horse riding. Not thinking too much and a diet of nationalist rhetoric are all available to people who fear middle age.”

It’s hoped the commitment, made so publicly, will warm the hearts of millions of young people, and even some older ones, all over the world.

“Let’s just hope that Mueller guy doesn’t break them apart,” one keen observer stated, “I hear he’s so jealous of their friendship it permanently furrows the brow.”

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Staff urged to call matadors and chase bull out of china shop

Animal behaviour experts have advised the managers of the Foreign Office China Shop to call in matadors and finally deal with the bull rampaging about the shop floor.

“He’s not going to stop. You can see he’s out of control. Look at all the Royal Doulton he’s broken already! Heaven help us if he has another chaotic run about in the Persian ware section. And the Mings!”

It’s believed the bull initially gained access to the China shop because the head of sales, Ms T. May, found him waiting outside the door on her first day of work and let him inside.

“Apparently she was anxious as to what he might do in the brownfield site next to the car park behind the shop and just opened the door and invited him in. What a baffling choice! You could see he was going to be trouble by the way he’s always dragging those hooves across the floor, even when seemingly immobile for short spells.”

It’s believed it shouldn’t be necessary to harm the bull to get it outside, just stand in the entrance and wave about a red flag that has hearts all over it and he’ll come charging.

“The only other option is to wait until he’s properly trashed the whole showroom, gets bored, and wanders off to greener pastures. But he may well do some serious harm to some of the customers who are trapped inside with him. Reports suggest he’s already badly bruised one lady.”

LCD Views believes action should be taken asap. Call the matadors! Who is going to want to shop at the Foreign Office China Shop while a bull is rampaging about, smashing carefully crafted porcelain to pieces?

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Woman with history of indecision decides exact day and time the UK ends

The Prime Minister gave solace to an anxious cluster of nations today by informing them of exactly the number of hours and days they have to save themselves.

“The United Kingdom will cease to be a member of the 21st century at 11pm on the 29th of March 2019,” the hollowed out husk of a politician stated.

LCD Views spoke to our economic forecaster for details of why the prime minister was able to be so exact.

“She’s not really here anymore,” Dr F Umble advises, “she’s been vanishing into the mist for many months now and I fully expect her to have disappeared completely by March 2019. Perhaps even by the end of 2017. It’s hard to say but it’s clear whichever fantasy realm she escaped from is taking her home for good.”

We are glad it’s clear for Dr Umble as it’s a bit bloody baffling for everyone else.

“I know it’s confusing for laymen,” Dr F continued, “but for someone who pays the slightest attention to all the red lights that are now flashing a screaming red on the economic and diplomatic dashboard of the United Kingdom it’s clear we have exactly”

The Doctor paused to get his calculator.

“Well, there’s fifty one days left in 2017, three hundred and sixty five? That many days for 2018 and about 96 days and twenty three hours left until we all vanish in a great tsunami of kipper urine in 2019. So that’s encouraging.”

The fantasy realm Ms May escaped from had the following words of advice,

“There’s buckley’s chance of her seeing out more than a few months as your unelected leader. We advise reverting to an absolute monarchy again and having another civil war.

But then, we grow Theresa Mays, so, probably best to just put sufficient pressure on your elected representatives until they realise all their legacies are going to be about as cheerful as a dose of bloody flux and you’ll probably find this entire Brexit dose goes away in an embarrassing calamity of u turns.”

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David Davis puts job on the line by opening his mouth again

David Davis, Secretary of State for Perpetual Confusion (and Brexit), has put his job on the line this afternoon by opening his mouth again.

The gaffe happened after the latest round of EU/Brexit negotiatons with Barnier.

Barrier is a man not many people in the UK know much about, and you’re not going to learn much about him here, as we’re too busy gawping in bemused horror at Davis. A man who is designing the UK’s future with an hourglass that’s running out fast.

“The government [UK] will not accept any constitutional and economic risk to the country,” Mr Davis stated this afternoon.

This could cost him his job.

For the first time a government minister responsible for Brexit has decided to break ranks and describe it honestly, presumably because he’s worked out what it is at last.

It will not go down well in Downing Street.

Ms May is rumoured to have ordered anyone who works out what Brexit is to come and tell her first.

“He’s a complete idiot!” An aide to the PM told LCD Views. “May is livid. Now everyone knows what Brexit is before her.”

The only thing that might save Davis is May’s unwillingness to lose all her cabinet ministers in the space of a week.

Although if he is given the chance to “resign” over the gaffe, Davis can spend more time studying a big chart of the human body.

This will enable him to finally master the names of two vital body parts that have puzzled him for decades. Just maybe he’ll be able to tell the difference between his elbow and the other thing.

Given he has been set a test date of a little under two weeks away to prove he knows which is which, he best hit the books and hit them hard. If the course books exist of course, that’s doubtful too!

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Moz the Monster from John Lewis Xmas ad to undergo treatment for cookie addiction

Scandal has gripped the headquarters of the department store John Lewis this afternoon with the shock revelation that Moz has booked himself into The Priory for treatment to cookie addiction.

An insider who claims to work at the famous clinic phoned LCD Views to speak of his dread at the latest celebrity client.

“It’s going to get messy,” Tru Knot told us, “as I’ve heard one of the biggest problems on the set of the advert was the lack of house training prior to luring Moz out of the forest to take the job of monster under the bed.”

It’s believed Moz has succumbed to the pressure of fame and fortune like so many naive instant stars down through the decades.

“Cookie addiction is a tough one to beat. You normally have to prescribe bland crackers of some variety to manage the cravings, but whether or not Moz can resist sneaking out at night and raiding the shelves of an off license is anyone’s guess.”

Complicating matters is believed to be another addiction to the harder substance of Ben and Jerry’s “Cookie Dough” ice cream.

“That stuff really is the crystal meth of cookie substances. It’s incredibly hard to kick the habit. All it takes is one scoop and you’re normally in for the whole tub.”

We are still waiting for an official response from the famous retailer. It’s thought they are swinging between distancing themselves from the scandal and offering to take Moz home.

“I’d lock him in his room. Timber and nails across the door time. Give him a bucket and a pile of tomato soup tins and just force him to go cold turkey. And be ready for the screaming.

And whatever you do, don’t let the Cookie Monster visit him. It’s likely he’s the one who started all this nonsense in the first place.”