LCD Views

Philip Hammond was rumoured to be preparing to depart the office of chancellor today after waking in the night, it is said, to find Michael Gove sitting on the edge of his bed.

“He’s terrified,” a caller claiming to be Gladstone, the exchequer cat, told LCD Views.

“Hammond is generally kept under lock and key to avoid fights anyway, so to wake and find something that appears monstrously reptilian in the dark on his bed has him spooked beyond words.”

It’s already believed that the atmosphere at 11 Downing Street varies between morose to horror at the best of times.

This is a result of Hammond owning a calculator and continually forecasting the country’s financiers with Brexit in the future.

“Boris drops by each morning too,” Gladstone continued. “He appears to have some sort of skeleton key. Hammond orders the lock changed on the door daily, but each morning when he sits down to breakfast on half a grapefruit and a glass of goat’s milk, there’s Boris at his table having a fry up.”

It’s not certain what Boris says, but Gladstone believes he rambles on merrily about becoming prime minister any day now and replacing Hammond with Gove as chancellor as payment for his part in the plot.

“He normally finishes up his sausages and eggs before grabbing Hammond’s calculator and writing boob on it with the eight and zero.”

Hammond knows his days are numbered, according to Gladstone.

“Each time May picks up the phone to scream at him to find more money he tells her there isn’t any left. This isn’t going down well. He’s supposed to be a post-factual chancellor, because that’s the guiding agenda for the entirety of government.”

Gladstone adds that he is uncertain about his own future at 11 Downing Street too.

“My main task is to radiate excessive self confidence not founded in anything resembling reality, before cleaning my bum. Once Gove moves in, I’ll be out of a job too.”

The Prime Minister is rumoured to be behind a front page portrait festival on the cover of the Torygraph today to warn mutineer Tory MPs to stop meddling in her autocracy.

It’s believed fifteen rebel MPs have already told the whip they will not vote for complete and absolute lunacy, couple with autocratic powers for the government, when it comes time to put their hands up over the EU Withdrawal Bill.

“Clearly some of us will vote for something a little fruity and crazy. Just not full blown madness,” one rebel told LCD anonymously.

This vicious rebuke is said to have the PM and the coup leaders keeping her captive livid.

It’s not all bad news for the government though. Various Labour MPs named mostly after agricultural matters, such as Field and Hoe-y, are prepared to make up for the alarming shortfall in reckless ignorance of fact, should it be needed when the time comes.

“We don’t know what old Corbyn will do when it comes to it either,” an avid Westminster watching said, “he’s throwing down a few red lines in the past and then just voted with May anyway.”

But just maybe now, with enough red lights flashing warning that the country is flying headfirst into the fan, Labour will finally go Gandalf on Brexit.

“That would bring down the government,” the watcher noted, “presumably that’s what Labour and even the sane Tories want?”

Presumably.

In the meantime we will be framing the front page and putting it on the wall in the kitchenette of our headquarters, just to know, that somewhere in government, a lucid sense of what is democratic still survives.

Jeremy Hunt maybe forced to deny rumours that the murky figures hold a “kompromat” tape of him giving blood.

The tape, believed to be recorded nearly ten years ago, is said to be a little out of focus, but it is claimed Mr Hunt is potentially identifiable sat in a chair donating.

“He’ll be out of a job if it’s true,” an aide inside the PM’s office hypothesised.

“It’s a clear breach of party membership rules. Well, she’ll beg him to resign. What he does is up to him ultimately, of course, May governs by consent. She’s very modern in that way.”

If proven it will also be a glaring dereliction of duty, however retrospect, for a true blooded Tory health minister charged with piecemeal sale of the NHS.

It’s not clear what the holders of the tape could be demanding in order to keep it in its box and off the internet, but it’s almost certainly linked to privatisation of the NHS.

“It’s a murky web,” LCD’s security correspondent Heather Mills commented.

“I suggest follow the money. You link a private contractor in the NHS to a firm in which Trump has an interest and that will take you back to the source. It’ll be all about money at the end of the day. It always is.”

In the interim NHS blood bank staff are warned to be on the watch for anyone lingering near to a fridge, as it’s thought however long ago the mishap was, the health secretary won’t rest until he gets every last drop of the accidental donation back. If it happened of course…

A man called Boris Johnson has confirmed, following a live field test, that sorry really is the hardest word.

“It’s an oak doorstop. It’s British bluestone. It’s confoundingly confuddlingly confusesome!” the man bafflingly still Foreign Secretary declared after spending an entire day attempting to say it.

“I struggle to think,” he paused, “what could be a harder word to say than sorry. It’s child’s play when you’re not saying it to another person. But. But by Jupiter scorned by Venus for Mars I can sooner get my chops chomping on a lie the size of a big red bus than say the bally thing when a woman’s life and mental health are on the line.”

The test came about presumably because when Johnson was told to read his briefs, he decided to just wing it instead and perhaps read his actual underwear briefs?

“He’s damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t,” LCD’s Great Powers correspondent noted.

“He’s a senior British official who’s managed to land himself smack bang in the palm of a foreign power.

May is driving Brexit forward for the benefit of foreign powers, potentially.

God only knows what Priti Patel was up to? Trying to arrange to send overseas aid money to a foreign military?

And now this Johnson is Iran’s toy. Why doesn’t he just get on a plane now and go and ask what they want to let her go?

You really have to ask yourself if it’s fair to ask any of them to say sorry, because it’s obvious all of them knows not what they do.”

Exciting news for defenders of democracy this morning with the revelation that the EU Withdrawal Bill will write Chairman May’s thought on Brexit into UK law.

LCD Views spoke to our Democracy is Possible correspondent to discover more.
“Brexit means Brexit,” Ms S Ham proudly revealed. “That is our great leader’s biggest thought on Brexit.”

It’s believed it was a close run thing with red, white and blue Brexit also a contender for immortalising into the constitution we kinda have and kinda don’t.

“There will be a ceremony after the successful vote on the bill and Ms May will personally chisel her famous thought into a granite slab that will stand alongside Winston Churchill on Westminster Green.

“There’s even rumours that a hologram will be projected onto the sculpture of Winston’s face with footage of the great leader’s lips perpetually repeating the deep thought, but only until a bronze of Theresa May can be cast to replace the old bulldog.”

As to what May thinks English characteristics are, we had to request our correspondent dig back through transcripts of previous speeches and actions to see what May thinks.

“Flexibility and imagination is mentioned a lot during her reign. Generosity with food is huge. Look at all the food banks that have opened during her time. So the classic, queuing is there too. Oh, and a breezy use of xenophobia for cheap short term political gain. That’s probably the biggest.”

Labour is said to be pushing for an amendment however which will force the government to leave space for a photo of Jeremy Corbyn at Glastonbury to go on too, if and when he becomes Chairman Jezza.