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Home Office to issue strict guidelines for use of totally unique patriotic blue passports

The Home Office has moved to quell concerns that the new patriot blue passports to be issued upon the founding of Brexitlandia are just a bit of empty symbolism to appeal to the credulous.

Oh, and it will be difficult to follow the instructions for their correct, patriotic use.

“From 11pm 29th March 2019 strict new guidelines will be in place to guide Brexitlandians on the loyal and patriotic use of blue passports for employment in the rare circumstances anyone should wish to leave the only country God cares about and travel across the English Channel to enemy states,” Ramber Udd, speaking for the government informed LCD.

A sample of the one thousand and one new rules is provided below. It’s easy to memorise. It is your duty to do so.

1. Holders of patriot blue passports must express a sincere joy at their possession at all times.

The mere loss of freedom to travel, work, love, settle, receive healthcare and feel a sense of community with approximately half a billion people of varied backgrounds on a continent that was previously famous for slaughtering each other on grounds of nationality and religion will be as nothing compared with the joy of possessing a patriotic Brexitlandian passport.

2. Any individual wishing to leave the hallowed soil of this island nation that has always been guarded against the sea from alien invasion, with the exception of the first nomadic hunter gatherers and then farmers, and Romans, Saxons, Scandinavians, French and all the rest which have combined over millennia to compose the Brexitlandians and make them a special people sanctified under God, will have to attend an interview with Boris Johnson and have a bloody good reason for wanting to leave. Visiting a tax haven will be the only reason that allows immediate approval to travel.

3. A telephone book of forms will of necessity have to be filled out to obtain a temporary exit visa.

4. A dependent child will need to be lodged as security against flight before any Brexitlandian will be allowed to leave Brexitlandia.

Individuals are encouraged not to kidnap children from neighbouring villages and present as their own as all individuals will be photographed in biometric black and white and placed on a family tree kept by the Patriotic Office of Internal Citizens Who Love Only Brexit, so there will be no point in trying to escape, if you love your children.

It will be best to memorise the rules before applying for an exit visa.

Citizens are encouraged not to worry if they do not currently have dependent children, as only individuals with dependent children will be allowed to apply for a temporary exit visa.

This is to guard against unpatriotic flight of young, educated, fertile citizens who should stay home and breed for Brexitlandia.

5. “It should be noted also, that people returning from enemy territory will be required to record a short video tape explaining how horrible and degraded they found France.”

It will be best to endorse English cheese over enemy cheese and to swear blind English Sparkling Wine was the inspiration for the lesser, enemy varieties.

6. You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.

Apply for your passport today and begin learning the guidelines, so you can be reassured your children will be returned upon your return to home.

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Brexit Dad told to get over it after losing at Monopoly

Brexit Dad Figel Narage was upset after playing the festive board game with his children. His daughter, Figella, bankrupted him and started gloating.

Narage’s son, Figel junior, dropped out of the game early on and joined forces with his sister. Their success was a surprise. Brexit Dad held the better cards, but was stung for street repairs and sent to jail. Then an unlucky Chance card sent him to Figella’s hotel on Trafalgar Square and that was that. “We won, you lost!” chanted the children. “Get over it!”

Narage’s wife, Krystyna, wandered over to see what the fuss was about. “It’s not fair, love,” he moaned. “I’m sure they must have cheated or something. Make us a cuppa, would you?”

“Stop moaning, and get over it,” she retorted. “The Will Of The Children must be obeyed. Anyway, there’s no tea.”

“Why not?” wailed Figel.

“It’s not native to Britain,” she snapped. “So you banned it, remember?”

“Can I have a Coke, mum?” Figella asked.

“No, darling, it’s American. Have a pint of bitter instead,” said Krystyna. “Figel, clear up that mess the winners have left for you. Figella, could you offer your Dad a second referendum – I mean round of Monopoly – just to keep the peace? What do you think? Cheer your Dad up?”

“Nah, he’s a bad loser,” sneered Figella. “I know he would probably win if we played again. But there’s no point. We won. There’s no Get Out Of Jail Free card!”

Figella and Figel junior found, however, that their remaining entertainment options were severely limited. Their phones had been confiscated for being Korean. Their Nintendo had been sent back to Japan whence it came. Even chess was banned as it originally came from India. But nothing could persuade them that a second round of Monopoly was necessary.

Figel senior himself stumped off in anger to create his own Brexit-themed board game. I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Cluedo will be in the shops in time for Christmas.

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Corbyn hoping for a new whip for Christmas as parliamentary one frayed at edges

News from the North Pole this morning is that official opposition leader Jeremy Rebel Corbyn has written to Santa and asked for a new whip for Christmas as he’s pretty much worn out the old one.

“You try whipping your MPs in support of the Prime Minister and Brexit each day parliament votes,” a supporter of the Santa like party leader told LCD, “frankly I’m surprised the whip has lasted this long. The majority of our membership don’t want Brexit and the majority of the PLP knows it’s insane too, but they’re all doing as they’re told, mostly, in the hope Brexit will do the job of bringing down the Tories for them.”

Corbyn is clearly skilled at applying the whip to his party, having ignored it his entire career, pretty much, until he got the power of it to use for himself.

“It will be a good thing if May gets her EU Withdrawal Bill through with the enhanced powers she seeks. Jeremy will inherit that too and we’re seeing what he does with the party whip in a time of national crisis, imagine what he could do with a bit of autocratic power gifted by the hapless Tories?”

But other supporters of the man promising the unicorn Brexit have been quick to rush to his defence.

“Brexit is a hard right coup in service to extreme neoliberals and backed by extremely rich people who makes most of their money dealing with regimes who have zero regard for human rights, what’s wrong with supporting Brexit? Jeremy has principles. Especially if he sees an equation of deep harm to the entire country leading to political gain for the Labour Party. It could be a Great Leap Forward.”

It’s believed whatever harm Labour is complicit in causing by effectively being in coalition with the Tories on the massive self harm project will quite easily be reversed once Corbyn is prime minister.

“We’re going to turn every household into a steel manufacturer and issue household steel outputs to that end. It’s a bit nostalgic but it worked for Mao. And don’t forget, McDonnell threw that little red book across to the government in the commons because sometimes eggs have to be broken to make an omelette. Even if 20M starved to death.”

Not to support the government in breaking all the eggs of the UK’s economy by playing a cynical political game with Brexit, rather than stand up for truth and explain to leave supporters in Labour constituencies how they’ve been conned by xenophobic wannabe fascists, would be seen as betraying the will of the people.

“We’re going to keep talking about Jezza’s principles till the hard border goes up between Northern Ireland and the Republic.”

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Homeless children sent a postcard of Hinkley Point C this Christmas to warm their cockles

The government has backtracked on not really giving a shit about the fate of homeless, undeserving poor children who don’t work hard enough this Christmas by sending them all a postcard of Hinkley Point C to “warm the little cockles of their hearts”.

“It’s outstanding,” a Home Office spokesbot sent a telegram to LCD to share in the warmth, “just imagine the joy on their frozen little faces when they receive an official postcard from her majesty’s government and realise we’ve invested enough money to solve their homeless issue in an untried nuclear reactor built with borrowed Chinese cash to try and stay in China’s good books when it comes time for every country on Earth to stuff us about on our tariff charter at the WTO. And, this reactor will most likely be mothballed by renewables before it’s completed.”

And given that every project of this nature blows out in time and money, the homeless kiddies of Christmases to come can also look forward to,

“More postcards of Hinkley Point C. Maybe even new customs posts with faulty, rushed IT set ups too.”

There is certainly scope to expand the scheme, nicknamed Homelessness means Homelessness,  into many areas of governance.

“The CPS has been hobbled by ideological austerity too,” the spokesbot added, “although you may have missed that as Brexit takes up all the news. There is not really one area of life which the government hasn’t stuffed to a serious degree. We could give the kids whole books of collectable stickers.”

If the poor children save the postcards and stickers carefully they may be able to sell them for profit in years to come.

“It could be the start of a nest egg that provides a deposit for one of the affordable homes which will be built inside the reactor core to meet requirements for cheap housing.”

Children are reminded that the postcards are not edible and maybe radioactive.

This is not to dissuade them from eating them.

“We don’t mind if they glow in the dark.” The government staffer said, “it makes it easier for the bleeding heart snowflakes to find them and do our job of caring for them for us.”

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You can’t keep a good man down, says Damien Green after resigning

In the world of greasy palms and cock-ups, Damien Green is keeping his end up. The rampant First Secretary is resigning to spend more time with his high-speed broadband.

Unfortunately, he may have tossed away his chance of leading the Conservative Party. His demotion is already being dubbed “Grexit” by the less imaginative tabloid press.

Green is merely the latest in a long line of upstanding Members to have been caught with his hands in his trousers. The alleged misconduct took place back in dial-up days, when anticipation was part of the fun. Green has been caught red-handed in possession of blue movies.

Such activities are nothing new. Reliable sources indicate that a new Member’s initiation ceremony involves lady boys, vegetables, and a very surprised donkey. More experienced Members move on to Nutella-coated dwarves brandishing dildos. The allegations – if not the dildos – must have penetrated Green’s tough exterior and hurt him deep inside.

A chirpy, erect Green spoke to the assembled hacks earlier. “I have worked long and hard at the job,” he shrugged. “And I have stiff competition, but you can’t keep a good man down! Broadband means Broadband. Now if you don’t mind, I have a little something that needs to be finished off.” Green strutted away, swollen with pride.

A by-product of Green’s resignation is that David Davis swore to resign too, in sympathy. Davis, who famously promised Brexit impact statements and subsequently denied that they ever existed, is clearly a man to be believed. “I stand by Damien Green,” he stated. “But not too close. Dry cleaning is expensive!”

Reports have emerged that a medical team has been placed on standby. Green is said to be suffering from poor eyesight and RSI in his wrists.

Environment Secretary Michael Gove is naturally concerned with Green issues. He must be delighted that Green has been recycled.

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Downing Street calls exorcist in attempt to stop three ghosts keeping May awake at night

LCD Views’ Ghosts Are Real At Christmas correspondent has heard rumours today that Downing Street has called in an exorcist in an attempt to stop three ghosts keeping the prime minister awake at night.

“They’re pretty relentless,” an aide to the prime minister told us, “it’s the same every evening. When she goes to walk through the front door she sees the ghost of Margaret Thatcher in the big door knob and that’s just the start of it.”

The exorcist is believed to have been summoned from a European country, but has apparently not yet started his work at the famous address due to concerns about what sort of reception he will receive when he arrives in England.

“We’ve been offering reassurance that we won’t deport him until the moment after he finishes the job of clearing out the spooks. I don’t know where he got the idea he won’t be welcome in May’s home. It’s pretty perplexing.”

But critics have called the hiring of the exorcist an unnecessary expense as only one of the ghosts can feasibly be real.

“The ghost of Christmas past is real. It’s Margaret Thatcher. She gets Theresa up to berate her over her attempts to ruin the single market and then goes on a surprising rant about homelessness. Which is pretty shocking. I mean, if you’re that cold hearted that Maggie feels the need to lecture you, well…”

It seems Boris Johnson is the ghost of Christmas present.

“That’s not too unusual. Boris tends to show up late at people’s houses and get them out of bed begging to be hidden from someone’s husband, but this time he lectures May about how she needs to be more autocratic and more confusing and the bally idiots who vote for her won’t know which way to turn.”

But it seems the ghost representing the future is the most disturbing.

“It’s Rees-mogg. He visits her with photos of his twelve children, who he has appointed to cabinet positions. He actually comes to thank her for doing all she did to destroy representative democracy in the U.K. and allow him to make everyone in the country his vassal when he becomes prime minister of an isolated and largely ignored little island off the coast of Europe.

Which he is quite happy with, as he has basically turned the whole show into his private harem and implemented a kind of Handmaid’s Tale society in.”

The exorcist is expected to arrive any day now and is a bit of a bargain for only charging £350M for one week.

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Woman facing questions for flogging a dying horse

A woman previously noted for being a wellspring of compassion is facing tough questions today after being caught flogging a dying horse.

The horse in question appears to change its coat depending on which perspective you look at it, but it’s definitely, currently, on its last legs.

“Shortly after midday today a middle aged lady who is regarded publicly as a bleeding heart, especially for people in need whatever their background, was caught on camera flogging a dying horse,” a spokesman for the RSPPCA told LCD.

It appears the horse in question has had numerous owners throughout its long life.

“Parliamentary democracy is a name an earlier owner called the horse. It’s also being called Truth, Fact, Evidence based assertions, Accountability and Select committees, just to list a few names.”

Strong and Stable was another handle given to the ailing steed, but this was exceptionally short lived.

“She has form in this regard too,” the spokesman continued, “She is rumoured to have completely and totally flogged to death another widely known horse called Labour’s record in government. This horse was so old by the time it felt the whip, that it expired upon feeling the whip.”

Although it should be noted, for the purposes of balance worthy of the Beeb, that political opponents of the woman in question are known to deviate now and then from their central task of finding out if the woman is up to anything untoward, to lash out at What Nick Clegg did, even though, what Tony Blair did a few years earlier makes eternal damnation of the former’s political party hypocritical.

“We trust this woman will be stopped before she can inflict greater harm on Parliamentary democracy. While not the only specimen on the planet, it’s the only example of it in the United Kingdom and it will be preferable to stop her beating it before it dies.”

If she’s stopped it’s likely a fresh horse called The Tories record in government will start to feel the whip, and it will take some beating.

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Santa begins tests on self-driving sleigh to bypass new visa restrictions

LCD Views’ BIGC (Be in good cheer) correspondent reports this morning on the exciting news out of the North Pole that Santa is to begin tests on a self-driving sleigh to bypass new visa restrictions expected to impact foreign workers after 2019.

“We have to ensure the continued delivery of Christmas presents to the UK regardless of the final deal achieved between the UK and the EU,” Ann Elf told LCD.

It’s expected that special compensation maybe made for Santa as a seasonal worker, and a simple 1,000 page form and a small admin fee of £250,000 is all it will take to obtain his visa to visit from 2019, but,

“We’re not taking that for granted. Only about eleven or twelve Conservative MPs are on the list for presents this year and we expect significant blowback as a result going forwards.”

If the tests are successful Santa is expected to use Christmas 2018 as a live trial of the new AI driven sleigh.

“We’re going to need to replace the reindeers with drones too, in order to get around the expected impact of a possible loss of pet passports.”

Pressed by Nick Robinson of the Patriotic Broadcasting Corporation, during a spot on the Today programme, to confirm that this move is actually a betrayal of Brexit by Santa, Ann Elf attempted to clarify but was spoken over the entire time with words that implied she was a traitor.

“It’s sensible contingency planning,” Ann Elf clarified for a more patient LCD, “we need to ensure British children continue to receive magical presents as the delivery by the parents of real ones, with the darkening economic outlook for the UK, can not be relied upon.”

The self-driving sleigh will still be subject to customs checks at U.K. border entry points as it will at least give the people employed there something to do.

“As long as all the presents have been chlorine washed, I don’t see a problem,” a government spokesman informed us, “but we will be looking under the boot when the sleigh leaves to make sure no one is trying to smuggle themselves out of the UK.”

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Titanic to sue HMS Elizabeth for Brexit related IP theft

Lawyers operating on behalf of the HMS Titanic have lodged court papers in order to sue the leaky aircraft carrier HMS Elizabeth for damages as a result of its (alleged) Brexit related IP theft.

“Our client, the Titanic, has clear ownership of Brexit related intellectual property and will be seeking damages in court from the HMS Elizabeth regardless of whether or not it ceases and desists its use as a Brexit metaphor.”

It’s believed the damages, if the Titanic is successful, could run to many millions, perhaps even billions.

The legal action immediately caught the eye of LBC shock jock and hate monger N. Farage who lambasted the HMS Elizabeth for clearly having been built by immigrant labour and not proper British shipbuilders.

He claims the fact the ship isn’t made from oak as evidence enough.

But the Titanic’s lawyers have sought to distance themselves from Mr. Farage’s comments, explaining, “our client maybe very, very annoyed, but it’s not a racist who hopes to profit off the economic calamity and isolation being caused by Brexit.”

Asked for comment, the HMS Elizabeth explained it will defend itself in court as an apt metaphor for Brexit and that as the Titanic sunk over a century ago all claims to metaphor exclusivity have expired with the usual statute copyright.

“Furthermore, I’m a bit of a joke internationally due to not having any planes. This is the last thing I need. I still don’t understand why they scrapped the other carriers before I was actually ready? Why?”

The department of defence is yet to comment on the developing shambles, other than to say it is attempting to plug the leak with the Brexit impact statements, which have been kindly supplied by Mr. David Davis somehow still an MP.

“It was a mistake to allow DExEU to draw up the plans to begin with,” a MOD whistleblower revealed, before returning to the pumps.

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Stage play “The Idiot Menace” slammed for being too long and full of actors who haven’t read their lines

Star Wars stage adaptation “The Idiot Menace” has been slammed by theatregoers and critics alike for being too long and full of actors who have clearly not learned their lines.

“I doubt they even know the plot,” LCD’s only intern, S Fork, commented, “it’s an invitation to watch a bunch of overpaid soon to be has-beens shuffle about the stage praying for the curtain to fall and put them out of their misery. And there’s no intermission!”

Criticism has also been levelled at the government’s lavishing of state funding on the staged drama.

“You know the sub is now up to £350M a week! Apparently it’s supposed to be reviving live theatre in the country, by giving control back to amateur theatrics, but I can’t see how. Any group applying to share the funding is told it’s already all allocated and not to waste time applying that could be better spent queuing for a GP.”

It’s not a situation likely to improve anytime soon. Rumoured firing of the cast and replacement with a whole swathe of alternative actors mid-season is constant, but thought unlikely.

“This play is a poisoned chalice to anyone silly enough to dorectvit. I could think of how to spend the money better. Rumour had it the choice was between sending Liam Fox on a trade mission to Oumuamua or this play.”

There is support from the Daily Mail, the Sun and the ever considered Telegraph.
“Apparently if you don’t go and see ‘The Idiot Menace’ you’ve joined a paramilitary outfit committed to ending theatre as we know it. At least, according to the Telegraph.”

It would perhaps have been preferable to spend the spare cash on launching Doctor Fox into space chasing after a flying cigar. At least something would arguably have been gained.

Tickets are still available for this afternoon’s matinee, but it’s likely to reveal the all star cast have still not studied the script. If you go, take some rotten fruit to throw!