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Minister for the magic money tree created in major cabinet reshuffle

The Prime Minister is expected to reassure an increasingly cash strapped country today with the creation of the minister for the magic money tree as part of her major, groundbreaking, earth shattering cabinet reshuffle.

This will be a reshuffle so impressive, for protecting and promoting serial incompetents in the most senior government positions, that it will underscore the degree of authority exercised by Ms May over her cabinet.

“This is not rearranging the deckchairs on the cabinet of the Titanic.” S. Atan MP, Purgatory-on-Woe, minister for comfortable pillows, told LCD,

“This is planting the magic money tree firmly in the deck of the great ship of state where it will provide shade for our wealthiest donors. While simultaneously, and this is important, forcing its roots right down through the lower decks and out the hull, probably drowning everyone else down there. But not to worry.”

Who will be given the plum new job is not yet clear, but Arlene Foster is said to be in the running.

“She has the experience. She knows how to hand a prime minister a set of secateurs and a pruning saw and get them cutting. But perhaps someone with a fleeting association with Carillion may also be right for the eye catching position.”

Critics of the new post have already attacked the decision.

Taking to social media, on Twitter, our own financial whiz, Professor Money Boffin, had this to say,

“She is already creating a Minister for No Deal Brexit. Apart from robbing satirists of a headline, again!, the two roles are really one and the same thing, given it’s estimated a no deal Brexit would cost the UK £400 BILLION.”

But at least, with the creation of two new ministers, the priorities of the government are clear, blow all our cash and not have to pay for it.

And you can be sure, whoever is promoted today, has spent all weekend deleting old tweets!

Oh, and she’s been searching hard to find a right wanker to promote to the position of deputy prime minister, as that’s the major qualification.

Now let’s all get behind the government and make a success of Brexit, just like the official opposition (who is the leader again?) is currently doing.

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Nintendo launch Pokemon Tory Membership edition as members getting hard to find

Game specialists Nintendo have launched a special sequel to their smash hit game ‘Pokemon Bro’ in reaction to the withering Conservative Party membership in the U.K.

“Pokemon Tory Membership will allow players to walk around their local area searching for Conservative Party members. The more active the member captured, the more points scored.”

It’s believed the launch date was initially pencilled in for after the local council elections in major metropolitan areas, but the release date has been brought forward.

“We’re worried if we wait until after the May elections there won’t be any members to find in major city centres at all, except for at the House of Commons, but players may have trouble gaining access to the palace if they aren’t press or work for elected MPs.”

Concerns have been raised though that take up of the special edition will still be sluggish.

“Would you want your friends to see you’d spent all day tracking down Conservative Party members and catching them on your phone?” LCD Video and Pinball specialist Reg Ular asked.

“Most game players are young. I can’t see them boasting to their mates about going out looking for Tories.”

But the special committee set up by the Conservative Party to brainstorm ideas about how to attract younger voters was more up for it.

“We were going to push for a version of the classic card game Snap, only all the pictures would be pairs of benefit cheats, overpriced studio apartments, tax havens, NHS services for sale, that sort of thing, but this sounds way more hip. This will totally build on stripping away membership of the EU and all the rights that go with it. Young Tories are fiercely patriotic.”

Anyone who does play the game is asked to be careful when catching a card carrying Tory as many have fragile hips, the average Conservative Party member age now being over seventy.

“If they’re younger, they’re likely to be completely, Patrick Bateman level unhinged, and will need distracting by laying out a line of Thatcher collector cards first,” Reg Ular advises,

“the best idea is to shout into the game’s voice function ‘economic migrant’, or ‘overseas development aid’, as that will immediately freeze most with rage and you can just bag them and keep moving.”

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Ministry for Patriotic Teas established to ensure all tea drunk in U.K. is grown in U.K.

Michael Gove has moved to reassure British tea drinkers this weekend that from March 2019 all tea drunk by Britons will be homegrown once more and deeply patriotic.

Appearing on the unbiased Marr programme this morning Gove set out his vision.

“The tyranny of the European Council, working hand in glove with the ECHR, has forced patriotic British patriots to drink inferior, trade protection racket foreign teas for so long,” Mr Gove said, “it’s feared most Britons today have forgotten that prior to our illegal membership of the EU British tea was blue.”

Mr Marr nodded along in a respectful and unbiased manner throughout the interview, only raising his hand a few times to pat Mr Gove on the back.

Questions about how much the new Ministry will cost have not yet been answered,

“I can tell you it won’t be £350M a week!” Mr Gove MP chortled, “only Boris is using that sum now.”

Gove did go on to reveal the new ministry is expected to cost roughly five billion pounds.

“But that will more than be recouped by the sales of excess blue British teas to India, China, Ceylon and Burma.”

It’s thought the British tea drive will be catchphrased ‘Drink for Britain’ and see so many people employed picking tea in the Yorkshire Dales, the success of the northern powerhouse is assured.

“What colour is the tea in your boot sonny?” Gove winked, “that’s what customs officers will be asking people returning to the motherland from April 1st 2019.”

Any tea the wrong colour will be seized and burnt, along with any books.

Drink for Britain and make sure your tea is blue, old fashioned patriot blue grown in blue English soil like it used to be.

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Team GB pray arguing online about Brexit will be sport at next Olympics

LCD Views can reveal today that Archbishop of Brexit, John Humphrys, hosted a special prayer service earlier this week with representatives of Team GB.

“They wanted divine assistance,” a typist who transcribes the Archbishop’s daily dictaphone notes revealed.

“We’re not always going to win the running races, or even the cricket, at the games, but we’re promised gold, silver and bronze by divine right in arguing about Brexit and related events. We’ve been practising.”

Suggestions for what the events should be called by Team GB are as follows:

1. How to confuse a Leaver (Team GB says agree with them before asking them for a lift to the next KKK meeting).

2. Brexit Thread Time Trials (how quickly can you get a Brexiter to start insulting you by using three syllable plus words).

3. The White Paper Sovereignty Dash (who can find the passage in the government’s own Brexit white paper that admits we never lost sovereignty. Brexiters, of any nationality, never win this one. Never. They don’t even turn up to compete).

Associated events are ones such as :

I’ve Voted Labour All My Life But I’d Never Vote for Corbyn.

The details on this one are not clear.

It’s thought to be a free for all event depending on your starting position on Brexit mixed with how many people you’ve met in real life who are Russian bots out to muddy the waters of British politics.

But Forgetting Advisory Referendums are Advisory is thought to be a guaranteed gold for Team GB, with most elected British MPs at the top of their game in this field.

The Olympic Committee are yet to respond to the concept, but it’s believed in a rare outbreak of unity all twenty seven other members of the EU are expected to back Team GB’s effort.

“We’re a damn sight better prepared for all these events than any representative of Great Britain,” EU head coach, Michel Barnier, told LCD, “just look at all our piles of paper.”

To add your support to Team GB’s push for Olympic gold start a petition today and forward to a friend. Everyone in our office will sign it!

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Fire And Fury will be serialised on Twitter for the benefit of Donald Trump

The scandalous story of the first year of Trump’s presidency is to be split into bite size chunks. Each episode will be condensed into 280 easily understood characters. This is believed to be for the benefit of the President himself.

Whoever is in charge of the White House press office this week will be in charge of dumbing down Michael Wolff’s prose. Their brief, allegedly, is to mimic Trump’s own simplistic literary style.

The White House has denied this. “There is no need to talk down to Donald Trump!” the man himself tweeted. “I am, like, really smart.”

When not sounding like a teenage girl chewing gum, Trump has been demanding, petulantly, that the book be suppressed. “This book enlittles the bigliest President of all time!” he tweeted. “One word: FAKE NEWS!”

A grand book burning event has been planned. This pleases the mighty intellect of the President. Rumours that the KKK has been appointed to carry this out have been denied. Fire And Fury will go up in flames.

The Trump administration has called for a day of celebration to commemorate the burning of Fire And Fury. “The slimy limey Brits celebrate a failed assault on their government,” said a spokesman. “So will we.”

The proposed day for celebration is publication day. “Our top poet is on the case. He has got as far as, Remember remember the fifth of January. The rest of the poem will be released as soon as we have discovered a word that rhymes with January.”

Opponents are hoping that the Twitter serialisation will keep Trump busy. One revelation in Fire And Fury is that Trump tweets during his hourly comfort breaks. They expect him to be too busy firing off incoherent rebuttals to ever get off his throne.

Trumps at both ends, then. Hell hath no Fire And Fury like a President scorned.

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Whining council charges commercial rough sleepers business rates to tackle aggressive pavement tax evaders

The Tory leader of Windsor Council, Simon “the dud” Dude-lie, has introduced an enterprising initiative to tackle tax evasion amongst the areas pavement tax evaders.

“They are a plague,” the Dud told LCD Views, “it’s really embarrassing. Other counties don’t have the problem of wave after wave of people choosing homelessness as a commercially viable way to evade business rates and taxes. Any respectable tax evader uses an offshore protectorate.”

The Dud went on to suggest that a proposed charge on cardboard coffee cups should be expanded to all cardboard.

“That bit of cardboard that lazy bugger has chosen to use as a mattress, someone else paid VAT on that. This is a scandal. It’s basically theft and it’s very unsightly having such scam artists littering the area with their inhuman shapes. Especially the genuine homeless, although exceptionally rare, no tourist needs to see that.”

Other plans by ‘the Dud’ include expanding the spraying of pavements to get rid of discarded chewing gum. They’ll now get rid of discarded people too.

“If we buy water cannon we can go about pre-dawn and wash the undeserving poor off the streets. Imagine if we go as far as to enlarge the street drains? We can just wash them right into the gutter and gone.”

He’s a genius. Let’s hope his brain waves extend as far as the return of workhouses where voluntary homeless can be forced to rent commercial spaces and sub-contract the job of being homeless to orphans and can really turn a profit making matches.

LCD suggests the Dud is included on next year’s honours list for services to public awareness of just how deep the rot is.

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It’s not an NHS crisis if you planned to put the NHS in crisis say people who planned the NHS crisis

The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rupert Murdoch, has phoned Theresa May and ordered her to see to it that “there’s a great, big farking queue of meat wagons all along Downing Street” to show the people of the U.K. that the NHS is not in crisis.

“This will reassure everyone,” said Handoncock, an aide to deputy PM Theresa May, “if we can spare thirty or forty ambulances, with crews, to sit empty on Downing Street, then there can’t be an NHS crisis, can there? This is all going exactly to plan.”

It’s believed the emergency measure will last until the first day of spring and there are plans to expand the new system.

“We are thinking of placing medical staff inside 10 Downing Street in a A&E department where they will treat visitors to the deputy PM’s office.”

This will inject a bit of much needed fun into the health service.

“Critics have been complaining for some time now that the NHS is too serious and lacks the sort of real life fun you can find on a private island owned by the kind of billionaire that likes to sue the national health service for millions when they miss out on a contract.”

The range of ailments the ‘NHS for fun’ department will treat has been described as ambitious.

“Boris, Gove, Davis, they all need plastic surgery on their noses. Most cabinet ministers can’t fit through normal doorways now, their noses are so long. Others have burnt buttocks from pants fires.”

Damien Green has also expressed support for the measure, in the hope of receiving much needed eye treatment for a mysterious ailment that seems to strike whenever he is alone with his taxpayer funded laptop.

But what about the deputy PM? What would she seek treatment for?

“Tin man syndrome,” Handoncock advises, “she watches the Wizard of Oz constantly in the hope of learning how to get a heart. But she never makes it all the way to the end as I always turn it off because I don’t want a cure for my own cardiac condition because everything is going to plan. Here, how would you like to pay for your minor surgery today? Card or loan?”

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Norwich relocates to Germany to keep Colman’s English mustard English

Norwich became the first major region of the United Kingdom to break ranks and announce its relocation to Germany.

“We’re moving to a German province,” a spokesman for Norwich, who wished to remain anonymous, informed one of LCD’s many condiment correspondents.

“But we ask our former countrymen and women to not be despondent.

We’re making this move now, ahead of Brexit day, to keep English Mustard English.

We see no other alternative. We certainly couldn’t go to France as they have French mustard.

But so long as it’s English hands doing the mixing the mustard will cut it. Oh, and we’ll all still have employment.”

But senior Brexiters have hit back, mostly with death threats, which explains the anonymity.

“If we can’t win with factual arguments we can do it with repeated jingoistic slogans and threats of violence,” Brexit spokesmen, Lord Haw Haw responded.

“Unilever should do their patriotic duty for Britain, like all multi-national corporations, and make a loss for Brexit.

The only mustard that will taste like mustard is patriotic English mustard. This is the 21st Century.

We’ve sold most of our assets to foreign interests and we demand they do what Theresa May orders them to while simultaneously offering whatever they demand, even though she can’t make good these secret deals and everyone is going to leave anyway because they’re responsible to their shareholders and employees and not some bullshit nostalgia project.”

Applying further pressure on Unilever is that plank David Davis.

“This is like Colonel Mustard murdering English mustard in the conservatory with a pitchfork.

I won’t stand for it.

I will be asking my colleague at the Ministry of Defence to blockade Norwich immediately and prevent mustard making secrets leaving for the continent.

This is just bringing forward plans for post March 2019 anyway, when no serfs will be allowed to leave their allotment without their Lord’s consent.

The end of freedom of movement is going to be total. Norwich and its mustard can’t be allowed to get away with it. What next? Yorkshire tea grown in China?”

But LCD’s condiment correspondent thinks this will not stop Norwich leaving the United Kingdom.

“MOD sauces have said they can’t be doing a blockade of Norwich as all Royal Navy ships are currently shadowing one Russian cruiser off the coast of Orkney.

That’s how many ships we have now after years of austerity.

Which in hindsight seems a strange move from a governing party so clearly infatuated with violent nationalism they’ve backed a national agenda promoted by a man who mirrored Nazi propaganda in the referendum campaign.

You would have thought that would have torpedoed the Leave agenda in a modern democracy, but apparently not.

Now you’re just supposed to forget all that, forget Jo Cox, and get behind Brexit.”

For our part we will be stockpiling all iconic condiments ahead of March 2019 in order to have barter items to hand when the economy is reorientated for the man and woman on the street to a traditional exchange of goods.

We suggest one pot of English made Colman’s Mustard will be worth at least a Cornish pasty, but we’ll have to see what the free market decides on the day.

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The Will Of The People is Brexit’s biggest lie

Many lies and half-truths have been told about Brexit. The most obvious is, of course, the £350m a week for the NHS. This lie was revealed immediately after the Referendum result was announced. However at LCD Views, we believe that there is a bigger lie, which originated in the rabid prose of the tabloid press. This lie is that Brexit is the Will Of The People.

Neither side of the argument can come away with much credit. But the focus of this article is not what was said during the Referendum campaign. Neither is it to look at the pros and cons of Brexit. This article looks at the current state of the debate – or, more accurately, the lack of it.

First, the facts. The Referendum asked whether the UK should remain in the European Union or leave it. 17m voted leave, 16m voted remain. 13m did not vote, and 18m were ineligible.

Secondly, democracy. The word means, literally, “rule by the people”. In the UK, this principle works by delegating representatives to speak, and debate, on behalf of their constituents. Though by no means a perfect system, it functions well enough most of the time.

Thirdly, this phrase “The Will Of The People”. This conjures images of the population speaking as one, united in a common cause. Although 100% unity is virtually impossible, a substantial majority favouring an objective is acceptable. 52% of votes cast is in no way ‘substantial’. Out of 64m people in the UK, 17m voted leave. This is roughly 27% of The People. The Will Of The People is a lie.

Brexit is occurring on the strength of the Referendum vote. Yet any challenge to the legality of Brexit, or debate as to its effects, has been shut down. ““It is The Will Of The People. You can’t argue with democracy.”” Precisely. Democracy means respecting all views, including those of the 16m remainers, the 18m ineligible, and the 13m non-voters.

The Referendum was advisory, and there was a small majority, among those who voted, in favour of leaving the EU. Parliament blithely accepted, without so much as a whimper, that the Referendum result is a mandate for Brexit. Why? It is, naturally, “The Will Of The People”.

This is not democracy. This is not The Will Of The People. The People were hoodwinked. The Will Of The People is a lie.

It appears that opposition to Brexit has been cowed by The Will Of The People. There has been no challenge to the lie, from the major political parties, the press, or even the BBC. In this intellectual vacuum, the debate has been reduced to the level of the primary-school playground. “”We won, you lost, get over it. Ner nerny ner ner.”” Even our elected representatives are at it.

Brexit is not The Will Of The People. The People have almost no idea of the repercussions of Brexit. They voted on the basis of propaganda and xenophobia. Facts and predictions were almost completely absent in the run-up to the Referendum. Any subsequent data, analysis or opinion which is contradictory to the ideals of a hard Brexit is dismissed. Opposition is branded as betrayal, sabotage, enemy of democracy, defying The Will Of The People.

This is wrong. Democracy requires a healthy debate, and the Referendum should have served as a convenient starting point, not the last word.

The Will Of The People is Brexit’’s biggest lie. Don’t fall for it.

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Brexit Dad promises to sort out the Irish border problem

Brexit Dad Figel Narage has vowed to find a simple solution to the Irish border problem. The Brexit evangelist believes that a combination of faith and pure force of personality will be sufficient.

Narage proudly pointed to his long years of experience as a father. “I have been sorting out disputes, successfully, between Figella and Figel junior for years,” he said. “A mere boundary dispute will be done and dusted in time for tea.”

Nonetheless, Narage has planned to take two days’ leave so that he can thoroughly assess the situation. “This is yet another hidden benefit of Brexit!” he burbled. “Before long, we will all be back to the three-day week and the four-day weekend!”

All talk of the difficulties inherent in Northern Ireland leaving the EU along with the rest of Great Britain, while the Republic remains, was brushed away. “We’ll sort it out like gentlemen,” declared Narage. “Agree what is to be done, shake hands on it. Simple. The Irish have always respected the superior abilities of the Englishman.”

Narage strenuously denied claims that large sums of money he doesn’t have will have to change hands in order for the deal to proceed.

Warming to his theme, he continued. “The Good Friday Agreement was a master stroke,” he said. “It leaves all options open. This means that the border can be hard on migration, and soft on trade. So we can carry on getting pissed on Guinness without drunken fecking Irishmen taking over our pubs on St Patrick’s Day.”

So, while Brexit Dad packed his assault rifle and balaclava into a camouflaged duffel bag, Mrs Narage, Krystyna, offered her insights. “Figel just shouts a lot,” she admitted. “Most, if not all, of the arguments between the kids were sorted by me. And it took a lot of skilful negotiation, let me tell you. Keeping the peace is a full-time job. Figel thinks a boundary is something to do with a good shot by a cricket player.”

Krystyna further revealed that the only borders Figel had any experience with were herbaceous.