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Downing Street says “HGV drivers snacking on food in transit” is causing supply crisis in shops

DON’T STOP MOVING : Downing Street have gotten Brexit, Pandemic and Afghanistan done in classic Johnson style and now they’re moving onto the food supply crisis.

A raft of measures are being considered, and some dinghies, punts and inflatables too. First and foremost will be making sure heavy goods vehicle drivers know what is expected of them.

“They have to stop eating their own supply,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We all know that’s when everything goes south. Some of us from first hand experience as witnesses.”

The ability of drivers to consume the stock they’re carrying has been “the rising damp of the supply chain crisis” and new laws sill criminalise it. It’s imagined that fully 50% of a delivery of any food stuff is eaten by a driver in transit. The supply crisis has nothing to do with Brexit.

“HGV drivers need to view their occupation like that of a monk. It’s a spiritual calling and the appetites of the body have to be ignored to raise their driving vibrations. This will mean more food in U.K. shops.”

But it won’t be all stick and no carrot. Education will be part of the new messaging.

“We spent five years telling a 100,000 truckers to go home. We don’t want you here. They got that message. I’m sure we can now give them a different message. It’s because we went to Eton. The innate ability to govern lesser men gives us a keen insight.”

But for those who don’t listen the penalties for snacking on food in transit will be extreme.

“If you can’t resist opening up the cargo hold and taking a bite of that apple or orange before it turns to mash at an inland customs facility you’ll find yourself deported. It’s a virtuous circle approach. Because then we’ll ask you to come back.”

British born drivers will also be deported across the Channel. Just the possibility of that is expected to see tens of thousands of ordinary Brits volunteering to drive trucks immediately.

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BREAKING : Raab calls for search & rescue effort after hearing “UK has lost millions of EU workers”

NO MATTER HOW FAR NOW MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES : UK Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary Dominic Raab is seeking to repair his irredeemably shattered reputation as a humanitarian today.

But it’s not Afghanistan that is the focus of his bulging brain but the millions of lost EU workers. It’s reported that while at lunch today with “some of the chaps” he overhead background conversation on the challenges facing British industry since the Oven Ready Brexit was signed, sealed and partially delivered.

“He’s in a lather,” an aide to the puzzled politico told LCD Views. “He wants to be seen front and centre leading the search and rescue operation to locate the missing EU workers.”

It’s believed Mr Raab has ordered that “high mountain peaks” and “low, shady valleys” should be the first place to look in case the lost workers went for a hike and got lost. He is drawing on his personal experience as he designs the strategy to rescue them.

“The real winners here will of course be the EU workers who have gone back across the Channel,” the aide says. “They’ll never have to face living under a government staffed by such spectacular idiots as Raab who strip them of rights given them at birth by virtue of shared humanity, and then wonder where they’ve all gone?”

Staff surrounding the struggling Home Secretary are said to be attempting to explain that the phrase he overhead did not mean the EU workers were physically lost, but have been lost to British industry because of Brexit. It’s understood hopes are not high on a breakthrough though as it would involve Raab understanding he’s at fault and he’s not programmed by his designers to process that.

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BREAKING : Boris Johnson announces plan to “Save Christmas” 2021

PRIZE TURKEY : The United Kingdom’s last Prime Minister Boris Johnson has something of an unearned reputation for always leaving crucial decisions to past the last minute, normally because of the convoluted nature of his personal life and its drain on his attention.

Happily for Brits already wondering what Christmas 2021 will be like, the Prime Minister is out in front on the issue with a plan to “Save Christmas”.

The plan itself is not just a warmed up reheat of last year’s nonsense, but is truly inspirational and world leading.

“We’re going to save Christmas 2021,” he will tell the nation later today via a video call. “Industry leaders such as the Brexit backing chap who inherited his father’s frozen food business, but not the acumen to understand how it functioned, are saying Christmas is doomed! Well the naysayers won’t have the last laugh! British exceptionalism has gotten us this far, hasn’t it? Where to next? To Christmas and beyond!”

The PM will then outline his plan involving irrelevant references to the classics and some ruffling of his hair.

“Christmas 2021 will happen. Nothing can stop it. Not the expected worsening of the pandemic once schools return, not the fact we can’t actually move what food we have around the country, thanks to Brexit. Not the fact that we may not even have the food to move around even if we have the workforce to move it around, thanks to Brexit. Christmas 2021 will be solved. I mean saved. I have taken personal control of it.”

The details of the PM’s plan are still somewhat sketchy, but there is no shortage of belief.

“I would encourage everyone to have their Christmas early, so there’s sufficient Christmas for December,” the PM will urge. “And we are drawing up plans for a lengthy transition period to occur between the 24th and 25th of December, with the 25th of December 2021 potentially occurring sometime in 2025.”

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Dominic Raab wins Greek tourism award for “Promotion of Crete as holiday destination”

PRIDE OF BRITAIN : Dominic Raab’s chest is reported as “swelling with pride” today after he clinched a coveted Greek tourism award.

The biggest surprise of the accolade for the world beating Foreign Secretary appears to be that he did not even know he was in the running for it.

“It’s the Olympics of tourism promotion,” said a source inside Raab’s brain, where it lives in spacious surroundings in what has been described by critics as a “post modern masterpiece of mind palace design. Inflexible, toxically masculine lines combine a minimalist approach to mental furnishings and fittings, but the puzzled eye travels about a vista of clean and empty space, as far as there is limited energy and interest to see. To dwell in Raab’s mind palace is to wonder on the mysteries of life such as is any country an island really? And why do people want to ban the tali? Indeed what is a tali? And why are the British so famously work shy? Would debtors prisons encourage them to greater enterprise?”

As to the tourism award itself, the ramped up Secretary of State was awarded the gong for the promotion of Crete as a holiday destination.

“Mr Raab has done more to revive the Cretan tourism industry since the pandemic began,” a member of the award committee told LCD Views. “The relentless media spotlight on the luxurious resorts to be found on the coastline of Crete is invaluable in an era of strong competition for holiday spending.”

It’s not yet clear if Mr Raab will travel personally to collect the award. He now has a full schedule of work tweeting about making work calls. As if advertising himself doing the job he’s fucking paid to do will compensate for not being bothered in the slightest about doing it when he was on Crete, regardless of the lives at risk.

Crete – the sea is always open, just like Mr Raab’s telephone line and mind. Why not spend some idle time there today?

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BREAKING : Dominic Raab to attend “sea opening ceremony” and cut ribbon

HOLDING BACK THE TIDE : Emergency Services have been placed on high alert today after the UK Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary, Dominic Raab, was reported as “approaching a coastal community with a pair of scissors in his hand”.

The risk of serious injury to the Brain of Britain is obvious, with some trauma experts anticipating “complete carnage” as soon as Mr Raab attempts to use the sharp bladed instrument. A team has been dispatched to catch Raab and swap the grown up scissors for the little ones that toddlers are allowed to run about with.

“The major difficulty in protecting Mr Raab from self-harm is locating him in the first place,” a member of the crash squad told LCD Views. “He is doing his own navigating. In theory he is heading to Carbis Bay, but he could be anywhere by now. He had a head start on his aides. We can’t even locate him by phone as he won’t answer the call. But also he always travels everywhere with it on aeroplane mode and he believes that makes the phone fly. Even going to lunch at work, on the days he does work, you hear him running along merrily down the corridor, holding his phone like a toy plane and making Spitfire noises. He’s such an innocent.”

Why Mr Raab has decided to place himself in harm’s way is obvious at least.

“He declared the sea closed and singlehandedly caused the biggest slump in the tourist industry on Crete since the start of the pandemic,” the source explains. “He’s got some Kremlin linked chap who owns a resort there incredibly cheesed off. He’s trying to make it right by reopening the sea.”

Emergency services have asked that the public be on the lookout for Mr Raab. Not necessarily just near the coast as he could be anywhere, given he’s navigating. He is described as “thick as two planks” and will be wearing a “surprised expression”.

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Dominic Raab nominated for Nobel Peace Prize for his work bringing peace to Afghanistan

STRAINED HIS SINEW : The U.K. foreign secretary Dominic Raab is said to be “still confused” this morning after telling staff he was told by Boris Johnson he will be nominating him for the “Noble Peace Prize”.

The major source of confusion seems to be Raab’s inability to understand the alleged remark by his boss may have been being sarcastic. Boris Johnson has passed the high watermark of his interest in Afghanistan now and just wishes it would all go away, so he can get on with his hi vis and photo shoots.

“Raab is trying to work out what piece of what prize he will win and why it’s so well intentioned,” an aid to the permanent surprised Secretary of State told LCD Views.

The nomination will at least give the ranks of sycophantic back bench Tory MPs something else to tweet about sycophantically in his defence. They will do whatever they’re told, no matter how dense, which is some source of comfort to the entire Tory Party.

“None of the excuses, none of the deflection, none of the exaggeration, none of the lies, none of it would have been needed if he had just stayed at his desk and done his job,” the aide sighed. “Or even taken his phone off aeroplane mode when he got to the luxury resort. He is still waiting for his phone to fly by the way. He’s incredibly well qualified to be in Johnson’s cabinet. Don’t you think?”

The multiple pile up of failures by Raab has also angered campaigners who say MPs should be paid more so they focus more on their job.

“We have to sort out some employment criteria first,” one told LCD Views. “Allowing people who are lazy as roads and thick as mince to stand for election at Westminster isn’t doing anyone any favours. Especially not the people of Afghanistan.”

Mr Raab is said to be waiting expectantly by his phone to see if he has won the Nobel Peace Prize and if he has will “take some time off to celebrate”.

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UK forecast to have best paid HGV drivers in Europe with least to deliver

RIDE ‘EM IN RIDE ‘EM OUT : Fantastic news for heavy goods vehicle drivers in the United Kingdom today with the release of a new study by the world famous Institute For Self-Administered Injuries.

“The Institute has studied the HGV driver crisis in the United Kingdom and made some exciting projections,” Professor Robert Cat told LCD Views. “If you like spending long days stuck in traffic on the country’s smart motorways being a HGV driver is only going to get more rewarding.”

The big bucks do appear to be coming to a line of work which for years has been treated as an afterthought by everyone, even the businesses who rely upon the drivers, and their customers.

“Pay inflation in the sector will soon bring the salary and conditions to where they should have been,” the professor notes. “Which means exciting choices to be made at the checkout for British consumers. Do I buy the food or do I save up for another day?”

And it will apparently get even better for HGV drivers as the months pass.

“Brexit isn’t working, that’s obvious,” Professor Robert agrees. “But we have to embrace it anyway until we have a sufficient supply of politicians ready and willing to kill it. Right now in Brexitannia we’re much like a drunk at a BBQ who can’t light the fire spraying it with petrol, spraying himself with petrol, spraying the space around the BBQ with petrol, before throwing a match at the petrol. Once you’ve gone that far there’s only one way to go. But if you’re a HGV driver who wants to make the big bucks it’s time to make hay.”

But like all, hay is a seasonal product and the seasons change.

“Get the cash now,” the professor advises, “because once the Brexit BBQ fire reaches our faces we won’t be doing too much shopping. There won’t be anything much to shop for.”

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Boris Johnson offers Taliban lucrative cash deal if they’ll provide holiday cover for Dominic Raab

TEAM WORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK : The British Prime Minister is as famous for standing by his friends as he is for his Scottish, Cornish, Caribbean, Canadian and Italian holidays, and he’s not going to leave Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary Dominic Raab out to dry.

“Dom has enough on his hands just dealing with global matters,” a 10 Downing Street source says. “When Raab first entered the Foreign Office he found a giant globe of the Earth in the foyer. He’s still searching it for the corners. He’s heard there are four. He can’t even find one. It’s really taxing. He needs his time off to recharge and continue his personal mission.”

Recent time off coincided with international crisis as Raab was waiting by the sea in Crete at a £6,000 a night villa, waiting for the sea to open. That’s what Raab said. And then the Taliban just took over pretty much all of Afghanistan. Just like that.

“No one saw it coming. Except for various foreign governments who’ve been evacuating people for weeks,” the source says. “Dom was given briefs but he couldn’t work out how to wear them. There wasn’t even a YouTube instruction video.”

Happily this is where Boris Johnson steps up to the plate to help out his friend.

“How can Johnson just leave Raab out to dry on the beach? He’s done everything wrong that Raab has done and a lot more besides. So he’s found a really neat solution which is actually symmetrical, like a sphere. I think.”

The solution to the Afghanistan problem appears to be to offer to pay the Taliban a lot of money. A lot.

“All they need to do to receive the cash incentive is provide three weeks holiday cover a month for Raab. If the test of the scheme is successful it could really take off and be extended to 10 Downing Street too.”

Won’t there be concerns about allowing foreign powers’ medievalist functionaries dictate U.K. foreign policy while Raab is off?

“Don’t be silly. What foreign policy?”

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Man stuck outside office for hours after failing to read door sign saying “PUSH” and pulling instead

JUST THE GREATEST MINDS : Alarming reports this morning of a man described as “prominent in the Cretan beach circuit” stuck outside his office for hours.

The individual concerned is said to have worked up a “slather of sweat” and to be “straining every sinew” in his powerful brain as he attempts to enter the building.

Apparently numerous people have tried to help during the ordeal, but in spite of watching them enter successfully he has been unable to “replicate the amazing feat” personally.

There is talk of bringing the army in to open the door for the throbbing vein, but getting a time slot for their arrival is difficult as they are already “overwhelmed delivering groceries, driving ambulances and generally attempting valiantly to staunch the haemorrhage in civil society caused by Brexit”.

It appears the man’s unfamiliarity with his place of work has complicated matters and he has no practice of personally opening the door, going inside and getting down to work.

It is hoped his increasingly desperate cries of frustration may eventually lead to an intervention and he will be able to go inside. Presumably to nap.

“Civil servants working for the man have provided detailed briefs on how to enter the Foreign and Commonweath Office building by the front door but he appears not to have read them,” a source at scene reports. “He instead mistook them for underwear, hearing the world briefs, and lost hours trying to wear the papers both in and out of the folder they came in.”

A possible solution is being sought of having someone inside go out and open the door, but there are concerns that will just enrage him.

“There’s a instruction on the door which says ‘PUSH’, but he just keeps on pulling,” the source adds. “It’s not a serious concern. It’s not like he does any work anyway.”

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Boris Johnson promises U.K. will “sink into the sea of shame” before climate change can drown it

NOT WAVING DROWNING : If Boris Johnson has anything to do with it the United Kingdom will avoid the worst impacts of the Climate Change disaster that is clearly already occurring.

Surprisingly it seems Brexit is to thank for it and the cascade of negative consequences that are now daily mounting as a result of deciding to go through with it.

“Mr Johnson is the leader Britain needs if it’s to avoid the catastrophe of rising sea levels and terrifying weather events,” an aide to the Prime Minister reveals. “He’s been working on his plan to save the U.K. from the horror of the environmental meltdown for years. Ever since he decided to go with Leave and not Remain.”

It seems the genius strategy is simplicity itself and is already working.

“We’re a global laughing stock and the guffaws around the world are getting louder,” the aide says. “This is exactly what Mr Johnson intended. If you’re not embarrassed by the rapid disintegration of the UK’s standing and its ability to function domestically yet, you soon will be.”

The prize the Johnson strategy aims to achieve is to make the U.K. “so terribly embarrassed that it will sink into the sea with shame.”

This looks likely to happen well before Climate Change becomes insurmountable and will spare us all having to live through the events of years to come.

“By the time the low lying areas of the U.K. join up with Doggerland in one massive sunken landscape we’ll already be a modern Atlantis. And hiding behind our stone sofas. There’s nothing to worry about from climate change. From no working fast food chains to empty supermarkets and on to defeat by the Taliban the U.K. now looks ridiculous to everyone. We’re sinking fast and that’s just what Mr Johnson wants.”

The U.K. will be the first modern industrialised state to vanish beneath the waves from embarrassment and we have the heavy weight of shame heaped on us by our own corrupt and unchallenged political leadership to thank for it.

A country dying of shame? Just Boris being Boris. It’s what the people decided.