LCD Views

PRIDE OF BRITAIN : Dominic Raab’s chest is reported as “swelling with pride” today after he clinched a coveted Greek tourism award.

The biggest surprise of the accolade for the world beating Foreign Secretary appears to be that he did not even know he was in the running for it.

“It’s the Olympics of tourism promotion,” said a source inside Raab’s brain, where it lives in spacious surroundings in what has been described by critics as a “post modern masterpiece of mind palace design. Inflexible, toxically masculine lines combine a minimalist approach to mental furnishings and fittings, but the puzzled eye travels about a vista of clean and empty space, as far as there is limited energy and interest to see. To dwell in Raab’s mind palace is to wonder on the mysteries of life such as is any country an island really? And why do people want to ban the tali? Indeed what is a tali? And why are the British so famously work shy? Would debtors prisons encourage them to greater enterprise?”

As to the tourism award itself, the ramped up Secretary of State was awarded the gong for the promotion of Crete as a holiday destination.

“Mr Raab has done more to revive the Cretan tourism industry since the pandemic began,” a member of the award committee told LCD Views. “The relentless media spotlight on the luxurious resorts to be found on the coastline of Crete is invaluable in an era of strong competition for holiday spending.”

It’s not yet clear if Mr Raab will travel personally to collect the award. He now has a full schedule of work tweeting about making work calls. As if advertising himself doing the job he’s fucking paid to do will compensate for not being bothered in the slightest about doing it when he was on Crete, regardless of the lives at risk.

Crete – the sea is always open, just like Mr Raab’s telephone line and mind. Why not spend some idle time there today?

HOLDING BACK THE TIDE : Emergency Services have been placed on high alert today after the UK Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary, Dominic Raab, was reported as “approaching a coastal community with a pair of scissors in his hand”.

The risk of serious injury to the Brain of Britain is obvious, with some trauma experts anticipating “complete carnage” as soon as Mr Raab attempts to use the sharp bladed instrument. A team has been dispatched to catch Raab and swap the grown up scissors for the little ones that toddlers are allowed to run about with.

“The major difficulty in protecting Mr Raab from self-harm is locating him in the first place,” a member of the crash squad told LCD Views. “He is doing his own navigating. In theory he is heading to Carbis Bay, but he could be anywhere by now. He had a head start on his aides. We can’t even locate him by phone as he won’t answer the call. But also he always travels everywhere with it on aeroplane mode and he believes that makes the phone fly. Even going to lunch at work, on the days he does work, you hear him running along merrily down the corridor, holding his phone like a toy plane and making Spitfire noises. He’s such an innocent.”

Why Mr Raab has decided to place himself in harm’s way is obvious at least.

“He declared the sea closed and singlehandedly caused the biggest slump in the tourist industry on Crete since the start of the pandemic,” the source explains. “He’s got some Kremlin linked chap who owns a resort there incredibly cheesed off. He’s trying to make it right by reopening the sea.”

Emergency services have asked that the public be on the lookout for Mr Raab. Not necessarily just near the coast as he could be anywhere, given he’s navigating. He is described as “thick as two planks” and will be wearing a “surprised expression”.

JUST THE GREATEST MINDS : Alarming reports this morning of a man described as “prominent in the Cretan beach circuit” stuck outside his office for hours.

The individual concerned is said to have worked up a “slather of sweat” and to be “straining every sinew” in his powerful brain as he attempts to enter the building.

Apparently numerous people have tried to help during the ordeal, but in spite of watching them enter successfully he has been unable to “replicate the amazing feat” personally.

There is talk of bringing the army in to open the door for the throbbing vein, but getting a time slot for their arrival is difficult as they are already “overwhelmed delivering groceries, driving ambulances and generally attempting valiantly to staunch the haemorrhage in civil society caused by Brexit”.

It appears the man’s unfamiliarity with his place of work has complicated matters and he has no practice of personally opening the door, going inside and getting down to work.

It is hoped his increasingly desperate cries of frustration may eventually lead to an intervention and he will be able to go inside. Presumably to nap.

“Civil servants working for the man have provided detailed briefs on how to enter the Foreign and Commonweath Office building by the front door but he appears not to have read them,” a source at scene reports. “He instead mistook them for underwear, hearing the world briefs, and lost hours trying to wear the papers both in and out of the folder they came in.”

A possible solution is being sought of having someone inside go out and open the door, but there are concerns that will just enrage him.

“There’s a instruction on the door which says ‘PUSH’, but he just keeps on pulling,” the source adds. “It’s not a serious concern. It’s not like he does any work anyway.”

GLOBALLY SHAMED : The UK’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson is said to be “snacking heavily” and “feeling a little bit drowsy” after staying up all night attempting to phone the Taliban.

It’s unreliably reported that at the time of going to print he’s been on hold waiting to talk to the leaders of the group and has been “for hours”. Although reassuringly the endurance test “didn’t stop him having his usual port and whiskey in the small hours”.

It seems after Mr Johnson failed to convince President Joe Biden to even talk to him about the situation in Afghanistan he decided to call the country’s temporary new rulers and talk to them directly.

“The PM figured he’d use his famous charm and sense of humour and win the Taliban over to his way of thinking,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He even has a slogan ready to go – Get Evacuations Done. It’s a showstopper.”

It’s believed his staff did initially manage to connect him to the leader of the Taliban, who promptly asked him to call back on a premium rate phone number.

“Mr Johnson figured it was some kind of test of his sincerity and phoned back on the premium rate number,” the source explains. “Although he waited a few minutes so the Taliban would start to worry if he was never calling again. If they had blown their chance to get on his good side.”

But it seems when he did call back the phone was answered promptly by a staffer in Kabul who then asked him to “Hold please while I transfer your call”. Next there was some muffled background conversation and giggling, before waiting music started playing.

“Vivaldi’s Four Seasons is the waiting music. Mr Johnson is currently listening to autumn for the 10th time and waiting for the start of spring. He will make the breakthrough. He’s got his Alexander the Great gags all ready and waiting to go.”

The per minute cost of the call hasn’t been revealed, although like all of Mr Johnson’s choices it is likely to run into the millions and the taxpayer will foot it.

“If Churchill was alive today he’d do exactly the same,” the source adds, “Boris keeps saying it. Although unlike Churchill, Boris Johnson is an idiot.”