LCD Views

START AS YOU MEAN TO GO ON : As the UK reels from the shock result last week of no longer having a government determined to smear its hands in shit and clap for all the world to see everyone is wondering how the surviving Conservative MPs will react, in opposition.

In an exclusive interview with first the BBC, ITV, SKY, GBBEES and LCD Views, Sluice Fucbouquet, the heroic Con MP for Batface-on-Thigh, explained the strategic reasoning.

”Imagine if we’d told even an iota of the truth during the general election campaign?” he asked, in what was a surprising twist to start the interview. “It would have been a disaster.”

Sluice is right.

”Who is responsible for record NHS waiting lists? Who reduced the armed forces? Who put the poo in the water? Who treated the pandemic like a get even richer quick scheme? You see my point? Anything approaching honesty over the last 14 years would have been an extinction level event.”

But when queried over how long Sluice thought lying would keep the party relevant he was less confident.

”Look, we have to hope all the people who say Starmer is just a Tory are right. If they are nothing will get fixed and we’ll be bang to rights to be back in power in no time. We are after all, the natural party of government.”

Which presumably explains why having a government that suddenly seems intent on not smearing its hands in shit and clapping is proving something of an adjustment. Especially for Westminster correspondents.

Healing takes time.

”Pass the bucket,” Sluice requested, “I’ve an interview with Rees-mogg and that’s when we clap the hardest.”

BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH : The Tory candidate for Fook-on-Wow, Calvin Climate, has been barred from standing in the upcoming July general election after a serious breach of Tory Party rules.

In a fictional email seen by LCD Views the Prime Minister Rishi Sunak writes personally to Mr Climate to tell him it’s over. While we can not disclose the contents of the terminal missive completely due to an NDA, we can provide the gist.

The gist is essentially that anyone voting based on lived experience is not going to vote Conservative, as such the former candidate is a “traitor” and a “woke captured fifth columnist saboteur enemy of the people”, normally characteristics that ensure a candidacy. But not in this case.

Mr. Climate has not spoken to the press personally, because he’s an invention cooked up on the spur of the moment while walking the dog in nearby woods this morning. He has however allowed a close friend, who also doesn’t exist, to say the following,

”Climate is a total nodding dog. He’s parroted whatever barefaced lie the PM has asked him to do. All the PMs! From 2010 onwards. He is devastated to be deprived of the opportunity to add cabinet minister to his CV in order to make his contact book more attractive when he is eventually pushed out of front line politics following a lobbying sex scandal involving vicuñas later in the year.”

It’s believed Mr. Climate will be “stepping back now” to focus on his mistress.

”It’s quite the blow. All he said was the only difference between English sparkling wine and French champagne is the taste. Hardly a hanging offence.”

LOATHE HIM OR LOATHE HIM : The man who put the multi into tasking, the BBC’s Director of Political Programming, is seeking to add another in-tray to his leaning tower of work Pisa.

Not content with being sole media content director at the national broadcaster, alongside Tory Party leader, Donald Trump fluffer and a major policy steer for Labour, Nigle Fartage is looking to spend one day a week hearing complaints about bin collections while seagulls fight infants for scraps on the seafront.

Admittedly he may only have the time to commit to Clacton after his role as unofficial Russian Foreign Policy Attaché to 10 Downing Street was reduced to a part-time position.

”It’s a virtuous circle,” an insider close to the Director told LCD Views, “what better way to ensure his limited company, Refcuk, gets more airtime on the Beeb than to be an MP? Before long the UK media landscape will look like the poster for Being John Malkovich, only the man featured will be Britain’s greatest patriot since Law Haw-Haw!”

When questioned how he would feel if the people of Clacton decide not to elect him as their representative, the insider was nonchalant.

”He prefers working remotely anyway. Any actual responsibility and he won’t have the free time to dream up more ways to put British turds on British beaches again. That is, make the most of Brexit.”

MAKING PLANS FOR NIGEL: The phoney war has begun, and the biggest phoney of them all has just phoned in his candidacy. To counter his strangely attractive brand of unpleasantness, the other candidates have announced their counter-measure.

“The idea was simple,” said Clacton hopeful Sandie Beach. “Farage was beaten by a chap in a dolphin costume before. It can be done again!”

In fact, in an unusual display of cooperation, even the Conservative candidate has agreed to participate in the stunt. The opposition to Farage has dubbed itself the ‘Dolphin Alliance’.

“I had no chance of winning anyway,” said the Tory hopeless, Lurch Tudor-Wright. “So I may as well join in the fun and dress up with the others. These woke lefties aren’t a bad bunch, when you get to know them!”

All’s fair in love or war, it seems.

There is only one problem. The sea is now too dirty for real dolphins, or even cleansing Clacton’s unwashed urchins. All candidates have been warned to stay at least 100 metres from the sea front.

“We are going to have to pose in front of one of the boarded-up arcades instead,” said Beach sadly. “No chance of campaigning on the sandy shore, not that there’s much sand these days. We used to have a blue flag, now it’s brown. We can’t make any quips about a sea change. No jokes about swimming against the tide.”

Although a sea change is literally what Clacton* needs.

Tudor-Wright was sanguine. “Even I wouldn’t vote for the Tories,” he said sadly. “Although I might vote for a Tory prepared to dress up as a marine mammal for shits and giggles.”

There’s something distinctly fishy about the Dolphin Alliance. But will the stunt serve its porpoise? As for Nigel Farage, he can get in the sea.

*Other seaside resorts are available.

STRONG AND STABLE ELECTIONEERING : The UK’s last Conservative Prime Minister Rishi “Frank Spencer” Sunak is said to be in a stable condition today after self-inflicted gunshot wounds to both feet.

”Shortly before 6am this morning ambulances were called to provide emergency medical intervention for the Prime Minister,” a Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views.

Reportedly the alarm was raised after Mr Sunak was found struggling to walk on the campaign trail and holding a smoking gun.

”Initial reports say that the PM was suspected of having disarmed an assailant until it was revealed he was the assailant and he was still armed.”

Hostage negotiators were also called as the response turned to also preventing the hapless PM from further self-inflicted injuries.

”At the time the alarm was raised it did appear Mr Sunak was aiming the gun at his knees and looking to finish the job he started,” the spokesman adds, “but trained professionals were able to steady the situation by playing ‘California Dreamin’’ by the Mamas n Papas and repeatedly chanting only six more weeks, six more weeks.”

It is further understood no police action is anticipated over the attack as Mr Sunak is not minded to press charges against himself.

”It is an evolving situation though,” the spokesman explains, “as the likelihood of further self-inflicted wounds remains very high so long as Mr Sunak remains loose and able to make decision for himself.”

There is currently thought to be no immediate risk of the PM having to suspend campaigning while he recovers as “a clown car has been found to ferry him about from calamity to calamity under it all comes crashing to a halt in the end.”