LCD Views

BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH : The Tory candidate for Fook-on-Wow, Calvin Climate, has been barred from standing in the upcoming July general election after a serious breach of Tory Party rules.

In a fictional email seen by LCD Views the Prime Minister Rishi Sunak writes personally to Mr Climate to tell him it’s over. While we can not disclose the contents of the terminal missive completely due to an NDA, we can provide the gist.

The gist is essentially that anyone voting based on lived experience is not going to vote Conservative, as such the former candidate is a “traitor” and a “woke captured fifth columnist saboteur enemy of the people”, normally characteristics that ensure a candidacy. But not in this case.

Mr. Climate has not spoken to the press personally, because he’s an invention cooked up on the spur of the moment while walking the dog in nearby woods this morning. He has however allowed a close friend, who also doesn’t exist, to say the following,

”Climate is a total nodding dog. He’s parroted whatever barefaced lie the PM has asked him to do. All the PMs! From 2010 onwards. He is devastated to be deprived of the opportunity to add cabinet minister to his CV in order to make his contact book more attractive when he is eventually pushed out of front line politics following a lobbying sex scandal involving vicuñas later in the year.”

It’s believed Mr. Climate will be “stepping back now” to focus on his mistress.

”It’s quite the blow. All he said was the only difference between English sparkling wine and French champagne is the taste. Hardly a hanging offence.”

LOATHE HIM OR LOATHE HIM : The man who put the multi into tasking, the BBC’s Director of Political Programming, is seeking to add another in-tray to his leaning tower of work Pisa.

Not content with being sole media content director at the national broadcaster, alongside Tory Party leader, Donald Trump fluffer and a major policy steer for Labour, Nigle Fartage is looking to spend one day a week hearing complaints about bin collections while seagulls fight infants for scraps on the seafront.

Admittedly he may only have the time to commit to Clacton after his role as unofficial Russian Foreign Policy Attaché to 10 Downing Street was reduced to a part-time position.

”It’s a virtuous circle,” an insider close to the Director told LCD Views, “what better way to ensure his limited company, Refcuk, gets more airtime on the Beeb than to be an MP? Before long the UK media landscape will look like the poster for Being John Malkovich, only the man featured will be Britain’s greatest patriot since Law Haw-Haw!”

When questioned how he would feel if the people of Clacton decide not to elect him as their representative, the insider was nonchalant.

”He prefers working remotely anyway. Any actual responsibility and he won’t have the free time to dream up more ways to put British turds on British beaches again. That is, make the most of Brexit.”

MAKING PLANS FOR NIGEL: The phoney war has begun, and the biggest phoney of them all has just phoned in his candidacy. To counter his strangely attractive brand of unpleasantness, the other candidates have announced their counter-measure.

“The idea was simple,” said Clacton hopeful Sandie Beach. “Farage was beaten by a chap in a dolphin costume before. It can be done again!”

In fact, in an unusual display of cooperation, even the Conservative candidate has agreed to participate in the stunt. The opposition to Farage has dubbed itself the ‘Dolphin Alliance’.

“I had no chance of winning anyway,” said the Tory hopeless, Lurch Tudor-Wright. “So I may as well join in the fun and dress up with the others. These woke lefties aren’t a bad bunch, when you get to know them!”

All’s fair in love or war, it seems.

There is only one problem. The sea is now too dirty for real dolphins, or even cleansing Clacton’s unwashed urchins. All candidates have been warned to stay at least 100 metres from the sea front.

“We are going to have to pose in front of one of the boarded-up arcades instead,” said Beach sadly. “No chance of campaigning on the sandy shore, not that there’s much sand these days. We used to have a blue flag, now it’s brown. We can’t make any quips about a sea change. No jokes about swimming against the tide.”

Although a sea change is literally what Clacton* needs.

Tudor-Wright was sanguine. “Even I wouldn’t vote for the Tories,” he said sadly. “Although I might vote for a Tory prepared to dress up as a marine mammal for shits and giggles.”

There’s something distinctly fishy about the Dolphin Alliance. But will the stunt serve its porpoise? As for Nigel Farage, he can get in the sea.

*Other seaside resorts are available.

STRONG AND STABLE ELECTIONEERING : The UK’s last Conservative Prime Minister Rishi “Frank Spencer” Sunak is said to be in a stable condition today after self-inflicted gunshot wounds to both feet.

”Shortly before 6am this morning ambulances were called to provide emergency medical intervention for the Prime Minister,” a Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views.

Reportedly the alarm was raised after Mr Sunak was found struggling to walk on the campaign trail and holding a smoking gun.

”Initial reports say that the PM was suspected of having disarmed an assailant until it was revealed he was the assailant and he was still armed.”

Hostage negotiators were also called as the response turned to also preventing the hapless PM from further self-inflicted injuries.

”At the time the alarm was raised it did appear Mr Sunak was aiming the gun at his knees and looking to finish the job he started,” the spokesman adds, “but trained professionals were able to steady the situation by playing ‘California Dreamin’’ by the Mamas n Papas and repeatedly chanting only six more weeks, six more weeks.”

It is further understood no police action is anticipated over the attack as Mr Sunak is not minded to press charges against himself.

”It is an evolving situation though,” the spokesman explains, “as the likelihood of further self-inflicted wounds remains very high so long as Mr Sunak remains loose and able to make decision for himself.”

There is currently thought to be no immediate risk of the PM having to suspend campaigning while he recovers as “a clown car has been found to ferry him about from calamity to calamity under it all comes crashing to a halt in the end.”

THEY DON’T LIKE IT UP ‘EM: Priapic prior PM Boris Johnson is on his usual good form. He only hears what he wants to hear, and the word ‘election’ isn’t quite to his taste.

When it comes to a choice of taking the red pill or the blue pill, there is only one choice for Johnson. Who needs reality when you have viagra?

One man who has become rich off the back of Johnson’s urges is pill pusher Willie Hardern. “Yeah, Boris has always been a great customer,” said Hardern, supervising while several pallets of tablets were loaded into an unmarked van. “That’s his latest order on the way now, it’s double his usual monthly prescription. I wonder what’s going on this time?”

Is it the general election?

“Ah, yes, he did say something like that,” said Hardern. “He did say he had to make a principled stand.”

I didn’t think that Johnson had any principles whatsoever.

“That’s not true!” insisted Hardern. “He does have one. The self-serving principle.”

The principal principle.

“Exactly.,” said Hardern  “Now he also said he wanted to run something up the flagpole.”

I wonder what that could have been.

“He ended by shouting ‘I’m backing Britain!’ At least, I think he said ‘backing’.”

Never let it be said that Boris Johnsons is dicking about. He will always stand up for Britain, or at least for himself.

And presumably Carrie will bear the brunt of his patriotism? “Carrie who?” said Johnson’s minder, Tim Tamms. “Oh, the wife? I’d forgotten about her. Boris moved on months ago. I can’t remember who the current one is, but she’s blonde and pretty. As usual. There have been so many. And they all look alike. Oh look, here’s the shipment of viagra. Looks like the girls will be working a double shift this month.”

It’s an almighty cock-up.

LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND EVERYTHING are all on the shopping list. The looting window is closing, rapidly. There are only 42 looting days left until the long summer holiday. And this is a summer holiday that could last forever.

The mood in Westminster is feverish. The pigs with their snouts in the trough are running around like headless chickens. They are scared that they will have to get off the gravy train and onto Southern Rail, on the off-chance that a real train will arrive.

The gloves are off. The masks have slipped. “This is no time for subterfuge and playing the long game,” said Tory MP Max Swindells. “I have only 42 days to put my latest scam – I mean, policy – into action. No time to placate the PM or even the Daily Mail. It must be done NOW! While there’s still time.”

And what is this great scam – I mean, policy?

“Railway stations,” said Swindells. “Look at the platforms. All that space which could be monetised. Commuters will pay for their own space on their own platform, the better the spot, the more they pay. A space on the edge by the doors for coach 1 will cost more than that odd corner between the fire buckets and the toilets. I’ll forge the King’s signature and everything. No time, must dash.”

And Swindells was gone.

Similar schemes were everywhere. Plans to charge individuals for breathing. Taxes on using the lavatory to pay for cleaning up the sewage and bigger water company dividends. A plan to legalise drugs so that drug dealers can be taxed to the limit, albeit with a lifetime’s free supply for Michael Gove.

And while his minions squabble over the remains of the Exchequer, PM-for-now Rishi Sunak is booking a very long holiday, beginning on July 5th.

So long, and thanks for all the Great British fish.