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Internet giants respond to Theresa May’s demand to weed out online extremists by closing down Conservative homepage

Exciting news today regarding action to weed out online extremism with the breaking news that Google, Facebook, Twitter and the other ones have responded to May’s call to crackdown on extremists online by immediately shutting down the Conservative Party homepage and other accounts.

“It’s about time something was done,” LCD Views’ social media specialist commented, “have you seen the bile and drivel that gets published on those extremist outlets? Just the stories about the NHS alone, never mind all the Brexit propaganda.”

It was expected that the new fake news watchdog, being set up by the Prime Minister, would take any of the articles and memes published on Tory party platforms down the moment they appear.

“At least the fake news watchdog will be free to focus on anything at all ever published by Newscorp and the Daily Mail, the Torygraph, the Onion, the Canary, the Gruniad and those occasional moments Owen Jones loses his mind over Brexit.”

Although some other social media analysts have speculated that with the recent spate of bad news stories regarding prominent Conservative party figures, the big beasts of the internet could have saved themselves the time and effort.

“Most Tories are busy deleting their entire internet history right now, they’re so up to their necks in potential blowback.

Nadia Zahawi has had to shut his instagram account down, something to do with a fundraiser he attended the other night.

And of course Ben Bradshaw is on a total social media ban.

Damien Green is seeking out to destroy any computer he’s ever touched to clear his browser history.

Priti Patel has had to remove all her travel blogs, and she was so proud of them too. It goes on and on.”

Still, with such proactive measures on the part of the giants of the online world, at least for a while the online world will be a little safer to navigate.

“They’re leaving UKIP’s stuff online though, it’s just too funny.”

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London OUTRAGED as ‘Yexit’ Yorkshire first to apply to EU for vassal state status

The Westminster bubble was at risk of bursting irrevocably this lunchtime with the startling news that Yorkshire has applied to the EU for vassal state status.

“We expected Londoxit, maybe Scotxit, Welsxit, potentially even Cornxit, but never Yexit,” a baffled Westminster insider told LCD Views,

“although the more the phrase ‘vassal state’ is used, admittedly the more attractive it becomes, given the human rights stripped away by inheritance millionaires alternatives.

But don’t write that down, I’ll be locked up for treason just for speculating on alternatives to the current ‘hard brexit’ path.”

Yexit details are still sketchy, but it appears the mystery surrounding the recent frenzy of work taking place within York, to add height to the ancient city walls, and extend them to encompass the entirety of Yorkshire itself, has now been explained.

“We can’t even send a Today programme correspondent up to shout will of the people at them without pause,” a puzzled John Humphrys told us after HE phoned us (in a panic),

“they’ve told us we have to apply for a visa and we have to do it via their new embassy in Brussels!

And what’s more, we’re unlikely to be granted a visa unless we apply for citizenship of Yorkshire first, but we have to do it in person at Yorkminster, which we can’t visit without a visa, which we can’t get…”

It’s believed the motivation for the declaration of independence, and application to the EU, was fear of one of Britain’s leading 19th century statesmen.

“They appear to have clocked that Jacob Rees-mogg, and other prominent Brexiters, actually couldn’t care less for the economic fate of their region,” our baffled Westminster man said,

“something to do with JRM tabling an amendment to the EU Withdrawal Withdrawal Bill that will also rescind the “Statute of Labourers 1351”. Whatever that was, something to do with freedom of movement of workers. JRM claims it’s led to an unacceptable inflation in the wages of his fieldworkers.”

Sadiq Khan has also been approached for comment, but all his office would say was that he was ‘A bit piqued to have been pipped at the post. He was planning to declare London’s independence in the spring after he had settled a city state alliance with Edinburgh’.

But they had no more comment as he was awaiting May’s speech in Davos, so he could laugh himself silly at whatever new gags she’s thought up for her ‘Scared But Still Standing’ comedy show.

“That’s probably the key to the timing of Yorkshire’s declaration,” the insider added, “while the cat’s away and all that. None would dare defy the Prime Minister while she was at home sitting on the throne.”

More on this story as the YGA movement grows.

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David Cameron mostly hiding in a shed identified as the first tangible benefit of Brexit

LCD Views reports this morning that Brexit analysts have revised the first tangible benefit of Brexit back from blue passports to David Cameron mostly hiding in a shed.

“We totally missed it,” Dr Rem Ainer shrugged, “we’ve been so focused on trying to stop the country hurling itself off a cliff, and laughing at the blue pamphlet thing, that we missed the extended silence of Britain’s greatest prime minister.”

It’s not certain if Mr Cameron was aware he was on camera yesterday, in Davos, it’s also not clear what he’s doing at Davos in the first place?

“Begging richer men for cash and favours, I’d expect,” Dr Ainer suggested, “he’s got to keep himself busy somehow, you know, now he’s come out of his shed. And there’s an entire country to flog off now, with Brexit.”

LCD Views understands that Mrs Cameron is especially pleased to have hubby back out playing with chums in the chumocracy.

“She was starting to worry he was becoming agoraphobic,” a stylist, working for the Camerons told LCD,

“she was thinking it was going to take an intervention. A herd of pigs walking past. A peerage? It was looking dicey.

What do you get for the man who gave an entire half of his arse for his country, broke the country and fled?

Leaving a free food distribution industry booming, I mean the work he and George Osborne did for the charity sector alone is never properly recognised.

And then the Camerons next appear in a weekend newspaper splash, having spent more than the average UK income on a flipping shed? It’s hardly fitting.”

Quite.

Although a set of stocks for Mr Cameron wouldn’t go astray? Target practise for kids? Just with rotten tomatoes.

“Anyway, the important thing is that David is walking and talking again.

Not many people know this, but he suffered serious spinal damage in an accident at his office on the 24th June, 2016, when he literally lost his spine.

His doctor was worried he might never walk and talk in public again.”

If only we’d known, we would have offered to help.

“That’s okay. Now he’s back in business, he at least has a chance of writing his own epithet. If he can be bothered.”

David Cameron the Invertebrate?

“Decide for yourself. At least being a very wealthy man who quit public office and fled, rather than sticking about to clean up his mess, is going less bad than he expected.”

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Hunt brings gig economy value to cash strapped NHS customers by gifting “Hail ‘n’ Ride” ambulance contract to Uber

Health Secretary Jeremy C Hunt made the announcement, which went almost unnoticed thanks to Boris Johnson’s diversionary tactics. NHS customers – no longer “patients” – will be expected to arrange their own transport to hospital by booking an Uber ambulance from their mobile phone.

Rather than the current tedious rigmarole, in which you ring 999 and have to justify your needs, now you can bypass the old system using the new streamlined service. A poster campaign is to be rolled out across London and other major UK cities. The slogan will say, “Broken a leg? Book an ambulance using our FREE app!”

Licenced black cabs and independent taxi companies are likely to follow suit. “This will give customers the best possible choice of ambulance provision,” said Hunt to LCD’s Throwing Public Services To The Sharks correspondent. “It will also reduce the time spent waiting for an ambulance, and will release funds to be spent on customer services.”

Uber plan many innovations. There will be a tracking device which allows you to trace the progress of your ambulance. A group pricing scheme will operate, whereby you agree to share an ambulance with fellow customers for a discount. Surge pricing will be applied to reduce demand at peak times.

Already Uber are being undercut (and cut up) by rickshaw drivers. Other options include a “Heritage” ambulance experience, which ranges from a top-of-the-range landau, via horse and cart, to a bloke giving you a fireman’s lift.

Campaigner Ozzy Dodger was not happy with the news. “It’s a disgrace!” he bellowed. “Uber ambulance drivers have no medical training, no DBS checks, in some cases no driving licence! This is typical privatisation behaviour. The public are being told to pay for something inferior that was once free and high quality. This is what ‘efficiency means!”

With that, he stepped into the Uber waiting patiently to take him to his apoplexy management session.

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Carillion’s Ministry of (alleged) Fraud: anyone can learn to cook books in 24 hours

Corporate Cuisine is the latest strand of the celebrity chef genre. Disgraced conglomerate Carillion has lent its notoriety to this latest gastronomic gem.

In fact, the book was written by a disgruntled whistleblower. Author Priti Brastoft has compiled an awe-inspiring raft of recipes inspired by the fallen giant.

“I wanted to give an insider’s view of Carillion,” said Brastoft. “Who doesn’t like picking the bones out of a hash like this? Carillion’s goose was quite obviously cooked, like their books, some years ago. It has been simmering away for ages.”

The cookbook is divided into a number of sections. These include, “Tarts And Fancies”, “Dishing the Dirt”, and “Halal (Bleeding The Little Men Dry)”.

The Carillion Cookbook contains many mouthwatering recipes. For example, Corporate Fudge. LCD Views has been permitted to reproduce this recipe in full, to give readers a taste of what is to come.

“Corporate Fudge
Ingredients: 1 large multinational corporation
6-10 crooked directors
2 Pension Funds (unsecured)
4 risky projects
Unlimited arrogance
13 crucial infrastructure contracts
A succession of laissez-faire Trade and Industry Secretaries
Bullshit (for garnish)

Method: Install the crooked directors in the corporation. Allow plenty of access to the pension funds. Ensure the Trade Secretaries award the lucrative, crucial infrastructure contracts to the corporation. Leave on the back burner until the coffers swell. Stir in the risky projects and flavour with plenty of arrogance. Continue cooking even after the funds have long dried up. Extract the directors along with any remaining cash. Serve with lashings of bullshit. Clear off and let the Nanny State clear up the mess.”

“I couldn’t put it down,” Secretary of State for Transport, Chris Grayling, enthuses. “I read the whole thing hiding in a cave on Orkney. Unfortunately I’m struggling to remove all the Corporate Fudge from my fingers.”

Coming soon: Donald Trump’s Bigly Book Of Laundering.

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Scientists criticised for wasting taxpayers’ money talking to a packet of mince

LCD Views is leading the charge today in heaping criticism on a team of taxpayer funded scientists who have announced the result of an experiment, the aim of which was to talk to a packet of mince.

“My team at the Brexit Science Institute, the BS I, refute all accusations that we’re just wasting buckets of taxpayer cash,” lead researcher Dr Reed-smogg said this afternoon to a room with only one reporter in it.

“The BS Institute works hard to establish facts where there are already lots and lots of facts, just ones we don’t agree with,” Dr Reed-smogg continued,

“and I am thrilled to tell you today that we have succeeded in our recent experiment to get a packet of mince to talk.”

What a waste of time and money.

“The mince in question was first pickled with alcohol for months. Most especially over the recent festive period.

The alcohol was public grade and obtained from the House of Commons bar, well known for the cheap, quality booze available if you’re on the merry-go-round.”

After the alcohol the mince was soaked in liquid narcotics of varying kinds, from LSD, to amphetamines, and finally just stuffed to the gills with magic mushrooms in the hope it would bring a vision back from the afterworld, known as Brexitannia.

“After the application of the chemical compounds we applied electrodes to the mince and pulled the lever down on a generator in the vaults underneath the House of Commons bar.”

This explains why Westminster went dark for an hour this morning, as electricity supplies were interrupted.

“We are pleased to announce that once the electricity began arcing all over the mince it did indeed talk.”

But what did it say?

“It said a dozen noteworthy things, below are some examples,

‘If the facts change, I change my mind, I change my mind more regularly than I change my underwear. No one else is ever allowed to change their mind. It’s called democracy as run by a klepto-chumocracy.”

and,

‘There is no chance of any EU nationals being deported in the advent of a no deal Brexit because by then we will have fostered such a xenophobic atmosphere, with the help of inheritance millionaires who dabble in disaster capitalism, elected to high office, such as yourself, that they will have all left voluntarily anyway.

In fact our main focus will be on forcibly stopping university educated, young British people from following after them.'”

As you can see, it was a pointless exercise, in which nothing was learned, equivalent to the famous champagne gets you drunk fast studies. Oh, and the, what happens to your country if your elected leaders don’t have the balls to fight for the votes of a bunch of emotional nativists.

We condemn this study, not only for the money, but the waste of good narcotics that could certainly have been better used applied to two planks of wood, in order to energise them ahead of an argument with a paper bag.

Nonetheless, the talking mince science show seems likely to continue for sometime yet, so long as the BS Institute are able to continue siphoning money away from austerity stripped public services and into their vanity projects.

If someone offers you the chance of talking to a packet of mince, we advise you to ask for a recipe for political chilli con carne instead.

Otherwise known as a ballot. Good day. Stay cranky.

This has been a public service announcement.

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“NHS will no longer have a winter crisis once we have a successful crisis all the time”, PM outlines managed decline

Theresa May was forced to clarify, during PMQ’s today, that the NHS is not in crisis, but in an “orderly and managed decline” and further, the “NHS will no longer have a winter crisis once we have a successful crisis all the time.”

The frank admission of the classic Thatcherite method for looking after publicly funded institutions, built over decades of public investment and effort, into a parlour state to be sold off for a fraction of their holistic value, was welcomed by traders.

“I’ve been telling my clients hold off,” Mr A S.S. Stripper told LCD Views,

“you don’t want to go rushing that cash back from Panama too soon, just to find a piece of the NHS pie is going out the door even cheaper, if you’d been a little more patient.

What’s the point of going to all the effort and expense of avoiding tax, if you’re too hasty to ‘reinvest’ in your future.”

Timing is key to any investment strategy and we advise our readers to follow Mr. A. S. S’s. advice and hold the line, not only while waiting for treatment at any A&E.

“It’ll all be there for the taking. Pay on the nail style. Just wait until 2019. The good news is it won’t matter which major party is the party of government either, assuming both stay committed to Brexit,” Mr A S. S. continued.

It’s sound advice.

With any luck Chris ‘Midas touch’ Grayling will have lumbered across to health secretary before long and the contracts available will best be described as,

“Plums. Juicy. Ripe plums. Low to the ground. Easy to pick. Worded so you can get public subsidies if things get sticky and sue the public purse if your luck runs out, because you siphoned off the tax dollar back to Panama too quick. Around and around.”

The only risk is if the entire May government is in managed decline.

“No fear on that score,” Mr A. S. S. added, “no one is managing anything in May’s show. Curtains to close any time. And that’s not a problem as another publicly committed Quitter is next in line!”

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Child genius attempts to solve national math puzzle : U.K. (dividend) / Brexit (divisor) = business class flying?

LCD Views can report from a math competition which occurred at a central London location this morning, that noted child genius, little Liam ‘air miles’ Fox, has failed to solve the famous math puzzle of the Brexit Dividend.

Maybe you can do better?

UK (dividend) / Brexit (divisor) = ?

In what was a highly anticipated moment in math, ‘air miles’ Fox, took to the equation live on air, with next to no preparation.

Our best economics correspondent, Dr Quit Er, was listening and gave his reaction,

“I admit I was disappointed.

I’ve taken on the equation over and over and it always, always, without fail, equals an economic boom and a unicorn for every man, woman or child.

I don’t understand how little Liam can have failed? International trade is clearly his best subject, but math is close behind.”

Dr Quit Er isn’t alone. Our whole office was baffled.

“Perhaps it’s the jet lag?” Titan Searchlight asked.

“Liam has reportedly flown further than the Moon in business class, and that was by April 2017.

God knows how tired of all those air miles little Liam must be by now? He works hard for the taxpayer coin. What a trojan horse he is.

Anyway, I hope he has the company of a good friend during all those difficult hours, trying to find entertainment between complimentary drinks, five star hotels and meeting some of the most famous humanitarians on the planet?”

We can only recommend that the Department for International Trade is lent a math tutor from that bastion of accounting genius, DExEU, to help ‘air miles’ Fox work through the equation before he’s publicly tested again.

And if you haven’t yet solved,

UK (dividend) / Brexit (divisor) = ?

The answer is David Davis. We think.

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Auntie’s weather forecasters to no longer predict rain

LCD Views’ meteorological correspondent reports that there is, happily, no longer any chance of hearing warnings of bad weather looming from the BBC, thanks to a more patriotic and sunshine based set of forecasts.

“People no longer need to plan holidays away, you know, in the lands of dragons across the sea [The English Channel]. That’s because every day is going to be just lovely now, regardless of what remoaner barometers say.”

To find out more, we had our correspondent skip along through the dazzling rays to speak to one of the Beeb’s chief meteorologists, Nick Robinson, to understand the thinking behind the change,

“The bad weather is over. The duty we forecasters had to warn of shit storms, floods of negative growth and other events that require people to turn off their fans, is over.

Why? Because there are no longer various types of weather systems experienced by the United Kingdom, only sunshine. We’re now the united sunny uplands kingdom, if you will.”

This sounds exciting. I’m throwing away my winter coat and stocking up on sunscreen before the run on stocks.

“The BBC’s job is not to look into the distance wondering if blithe assertions of endless summers to come are completely crackers, just because some turtle on a fencepost with a corrosive greed based ideology who aims to personally profit from disaster, promised the good weather.

Whether you like torrential downpours or not, we’re giving you sunshine!

Sunshine!

Ignore the clouds!

Get out and risk a little heat stroke. You know it’s an achievement to get sun burn in England. There is absolutely no risk of skin cancer. Ever. Again.

Our job, now, is to encourage everyone in the country to pack a picnic basket and go to the common. It’s the new balance, if you will.

Stretch your legs out.

Do it today.

Worry not if you see an immigration enforcement van rounding up some subversive, university educated Europeans for an illegal detention before they’re marched across the Boris bridge to Calais.

Those lawsuits are for tomorrow. And if the plaintiffs aren’t in the country, what are they going to do? Appeal to the ECHR? Ha!

And to cement this sunny change to our land my colleague, John, and I will be recording a special charity single of ‘It’s a lovely day tomorrow’, to be broadcast each morning on the Today programme. Get behind it. We’re all Brexiters now! I mean, sunbathers.”

We’ll that’s reassuring, it’s like the entire UK has turned into the Costa del Sol suddenly, just with less Brits…

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DExEU replaced with white elephant to save money

There are reports of outrage and even possible mutiny among staff at DExEu this morning, who arrived for work to discover the whole show has been replaced by a white elephant.

“It’s supposed to save money,” Phil, bookkeeper grumbled,

“but I’ll be buggered if I know how replacing a vast and expensive department set up in a rush with a flaming white elephant will save money?

How many billable hours does an elephant get through a day? Must be dozens.”

Security guards were also unimpressed.

“Mr Davis gave me a strong sense of stability and certainly in my job here. He took his lead from Ms May.

He catches the ear whenever he speaks, expansively, on furniture or the job of simply unravelling connections with 21st century commerce.

What flaming use is a white elephant instead of a department? Where will I put my mouse pad? On its rump?”

But a spokesman for the office of the prime minister clarified the vision behind the change,

“I’m not sure what all the fuss is about?

The Prime Minister made this change well over a year ago.

Liam ‘Air Miles’ Fox is next. We got two white elephants for the price of one. Genius accounting.”

We popped round to speak to our political naturist to get their insight.

“You could have told me you were dropping my,” C Nude snapped, “I’m just getting ready for the beach.”

We waited a moment for C to put something on and then he said,

“This is just a clarification of the philosophy driving all the changes made by Theresa May since she accepted the challenge of eradicating inequality and unfairness among the bonus culture of top CEO’s and donors to the Conservative Party, by making poor children work harder.

DExEU and The Department for International Trade is basically a pride of white elephants. Something we can all be proud of.

In fact, a white elephant more fittingly represents the office of the prime minister at the moment and I support this move.

You should write an op ed doing the same. I’m the entire United Kingdom  is uniting behind being one big white elephant instead of a modern, trading, outward focused, welcoming, modern, globally focused, efficient…”

There were lots of adjectives, in a row like deckchairs. We left soon after so he could put on his new clothes and go to the beach and get sunbathing.