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Corbyn guest stars on ‘Tattoo Fixers’ and has his “H O L D F A S T” tattoo corrected to “L O V E B R E X I T”

LCD Views’ light entertainment correspondent is as manic as a terrier with a rat at the announcement that leader of the official inopposition, Jeremy Corbyn MP, has filmed a special episode of ‘Tattoo Fixers’ during which his old tattoo is corrected from “H O L D F A S T” to “L O V E  B R E X I T”.

“This is just classic television,” S Sassage said, waving a copy of Radio Times.

“This brings real clarity to firstly the question, why has Jezza been concealing his hand tats in gloves lately, and also, where does he really stand on Brexit?

It’s probably also to protect the extra finger he’s had sewn on just for the tattoo. This shows commitment to Brexit.”

It’s believed the re-inking move was in part motivated by how difficult it’s been for Jeremy to communicate to the Labour Party members, what he really thinks about Brexit.

“Pretty much his every action has been pro-Brexit.

From the morning of the 24th June 2016, when he playfully suggested Article 50 should be triggered immediately, to the constant crossing the floor to vote with May’s government.”

It’s presumed that once millions of people see his new tattoos they’ll finally accept that the leaders of the a Conservatives, and Labour, are on the same page on Brexit.

“There’s been too much division in our politics lately,” Sassage observes,

“having the leaders united in fulfilling the hard right, neocon, wet dream of Brexit, is really unifying.

Even if Jezza hilariously thinks he can magic it into Lexit, whatever that is in 2018!”

It’s presumed the 60-70% of Labour members who don’t want Brexit, will finally accept that what the supporters of Labour constituencies who voted Leave wanted in June 2016, whatever their reasons for voting, will guide the party forever.

“The young members need to go back to looking at Candy Crush on their phones,” Sassage goes on,

“what they want doesn’t figure. Let your elders decide.

You know, the ones who are going to push up daisies as you enjoy post Brexit food riots, after Russia crashes our digital infrastructure because the Secretary of Defence is not up to his job.”

While this will certainly be exciting TV, it does come with a warning,

“If you’re going to emulate the cult god JC and get inked up, do it at home.

Needle and a black marker is all you need. Damn sight cheaper than paying a professional tattooist.”

And for those who liked the old Jeremy’s H O L D  F A S T naval themed tattoos? “Forget it. The old Jeremy has sailed.

And if you don’t get it that he loves Brexit after this, he’s going to come around your house and scream it at you over breakfast.”

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May starting to fade from official photos warns Downing Street photographer

“Theresa May is starting to fade from official photos,” Mr Foto Fin, official Downing Street photographer has warned. 

Speaking exclusively to LCD Views, he issued the cautionary observation over a chai tea latte.

“I would have had an expresso,” he added, “but I can’t pronounce it.”

We were talking ahead of a official lunch time function to be held at 10 Downing Street today.

“Lunch is going to be great,” the photographer oozed,

“after the bbq chicken wings dipped in syphilis, we’re going to play Twister and I’m going to photograph all of it.”

The game of Twister is not just for fun.

It follows a directive from the office of the prime minister, that all new editions of the famous party game must only now feature blue circles.

“This is to better prepare the swingers of Britain for a bold and enterprising future of only entertaining at home. With like minded individuals, of course.”

But what about the fading of Theresa? We wanted to know. Is there a fix?

“Oh, there’s a fix alright. But you get this sort of problem with prime ministers nearing the end of their time in office.

Tony Blair was a ghost all of 2007. Which was actually an improvement. From 2004 he was just a kind of spectral mask of death.

Gordon Brown never even appeared in prints.

David Cameron was so bright it was blinding.

It blinded millions to the office. May was strong and stable for a week. Right after taking office.

But before long her inherent knack of indecision led to her being impossible to capture.

She just kind of flashed in and out of focus until recently, now she’s just fading from view.

They’ll probably have to replace her with a hologram till Jacob Rees-mogg makes his play to be Britain’s shortest ever serving prime minister.

I’m looking forward to photographing him though. I love a bit of sepia and black and white.”

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16 year olds not mature enough to vote says older man who voted Leave because of a big red bus

The scandalous news today that Wales is to give 16 year olds the vote in council elections has caused a justified outcry among much older, wiser people who voted to quit the EU because of a big, red bus.

“It’s scandalous!” Reg Reg-Reg frothed,

“a sixteen year old is not mature enough to decide their future.

Why, some of them don’t even bother to read the side of a bus when deciding what to do [regarding complex economic and social changes].”

Reg Reg-Reg is not alone.

Millions of middle aged, and up, people this morning are considering starting a petition to turn back this clock too.

“Okay, they’re mature enough to decide at which university, being transformed financially along neocon ideological lines, they wish to gather £50K worth of debt at,” Reg conceded,

“They’re old enough to become an army cadet, setting themselves on a path to get blown up in some hellish conflict to celebrate being old enough to vote.

They’re even old enough to have sex legally and start a family as a consequence, as ill advised as that maybe, maybe not.

And they’re mature enough to be able to legally drive a moped, this taking their own life in their hands on the roads, and potentially causing an accident, or not, involving people of voting age.

But I’ll be buggered if you can convince me they’re mature enough to influence their immediate future at the ballot box.”

That’s only for older heads.

The sort of heads that see a big blonde man boy bouncing about in front of a lie on a big, red bus and ditch all critical facilities and vote for the bus.

“Give sixteen year olds the vote, where will it end?” Reg Reg-Reg demanded,

“foetuses will be voting next.

Just like what happened with equality of marriage. People started legally marrying furniture the day after. This progression of society and its values has got to stop.”

Reg Reg-Reg did call LCD back later to add, sixteen year olds should be able to decide to attend public hanging if they want.

Just as well, because many Quitters favour that.

The will of the people, you know you want it, just not until you’re old enough, as determined by a man who voted based on…

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“How to serve your fellow man after Brexit” the cooking for cannibals cookbook, updated with foreword by Patrick Minford

LCD Views cooking correspondent is pleased to have been chosen to preview “How to serve your fellow man after Brexit”, by publishers Disaster & Con.

“I’m having trouble getting all the ingredients for the long pig bubble and squeak,” Mr Man Cook begins,

“although I can imagine that won’t be as big an obstacle shortly after the U.K. crashes out of the single market and customs union.

This book will be a boon for hardware and weapons sellers too.

You can expect security services to be so busy patrolling the beaches to stop people emigrating, that it should be open season in small towns for not only looters, but hunter and gatherer tribes too. This book is going to prove an indispensable resource. Especially if Rees-mogg does make it to PM.”

The updated edition features not only new recipes, but a foreword by famous economist Patrick Minford.

“A car park,” Mr Minford begins, “I won’t be satisfied until the whole of the north of England is a car park.

We can hold car boot sales of the remaining national assets then and ‘lucky dip’ bring a neighbour bbq’s.

We didn’t quite get there in the 80’s, but we’ll bloody finish them off with Brexit.”

Mr Minford then goes on to extrapolate on the mentalgasm he will experience when the last of manufacturing is closed down.

“It makes perfect sense to manage the decline of the last of our shrunken manufacturing base,” he continues,

“pulling a service dependent economy like ours out of the single market is sheer genius.”

The harder the crash the better, he urges.

“Then we can set out hunting and eating each other and elevate the entirety of society to a purity of essence not seen since the Donner Party got lost in the snows.”

While Patrick Minford is clearly insane, his recipe for the future prosperity of the United Kingdom, is one of self reliance and traditional skills base.

“I recommend getting your copy of ‘How to serve your fellow man after Brexit’ today, before the paper stocks run out.”

And follow the recipes in the book carefully, cooking times are essential to good food hygiene.

“Remember too,” adds Mr Man Cook, “rationing won’t last forever. Best to be at the back of the line. That way you can catch others when they fall.”

Retail price is currently only £9.99, but that is expected to rise exponentially as the currency collapses later this year.

Pre-ordering is encouraged. So is learning to fight. Fast.

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Capslock virus now infecting one out of every three computers

A rampant infection is sweeping cyberspace. The seemingly innocuous Capslock virus has now affected over 30% of the nation’s computers, according to the latest figures.

The Department of Technology, which commissioned the research, pronounced itself “flabbergasted at the scale of the problem”.

Spokesgeek Mike Rosoft explained the government’s position to LCD’s Clever Interwebby Stuff correspondent. “To be quite honest, we are struggling to cope,” he admitted. “It will take time, but our best abacus is on the case.”

“Unfortunately, years of underinvestment and cuts have left us vulnerable,” continued Rosoft, waving his hand vaguely at his desk, which boasted a typewriter and a Bakelite telephone. “The spotty teenage hackers are always one step ahead.”

Rosoft went on to describe the Capslock virus in detail. “It’s a weird one,” he said. “It doesn’t access personal details or stop your device from functioning. It’s an example of a computer virus crossing over to affect humans.”

In itself, the virus is harmless – at least to electronic devices. It has been endemic for years. But the effects upon a human coming into contact can be severe and disturbing. Symptoms include frothing at the mouth, verbal diarrhoea, and reading the Daily Mail.

Sufferers also tend to display punctuation deficit disorder, and blindness in one eye. Repeated exposure can lead to outbreaks of Tourette’s.

Rosoft felt obliged to call in reinforcements. “I employed my mate Mike Uvverupp to help out,” he said. “Mike actually owns a mobile telephone. It’s amazing that you can now make a call anywhere using a device the size of a small suitcase!”

The Department clearly has the matter under control. However, viruses are known to spread through social interaction, via media such as Facepamphlet and Snapgossip. Sufferers are advised to quarantine themselves to prevent the Capslock virus infecting others.

The virus has not yet affected those using CapslockedIn.

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Health officials warn risk of fresh outbreaks of Torykip superbugs in face of ongoing cuts

NHS bosses across England have written a stark warning to Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, stating that hospitals are already overstretched and will not be able to cope with a new pandemic of superbug Torykip cases.

“Wave after wave of hybrid Tory-UKIP infections will finish the Conservative Party off. It will be a face melting spectacular,” Dr Focken Stopp warned,

“I’ve written to Hunt to advise him to wash his hands as frequently as if he had an obsessive compulsive disorder. And by no means, use a computer until we have identified and treated those already infected.

Dirty fingernails and social media is one of the mechanisms of spread.

For the love of god, do not shake hands with Rees-mogg.

Do not let Theresa May sneeze on you.

Do not talk to Owen Paterson, although that’s good advice anytime.

Boris Johnson is infected, but not showing symptoms. He should be placed in isolation.

All Conservative MP’s, who aren’t already infected with the bug should be taking these measures.

Clearly the usual infection of “if they just worked harder they wouldn’t be homeless’ virus has made most Conservative MP’s susceptible to this additional, life altering  infection which has hybridised with xenophobia.”

Our resident health reporter spoke to Dr Focken Stopp to hear more,

“They should have treated the UKIP infection years ago. As soon as it first appeared in the body politic.

Many of us said so at the time and raised our voices louder as the infections multiplied. But the executive was worried about losing the baby boomer vote, because a lot of younger communities weren’t voting much. That’s changed now.

Adding austerity to the mix and leaving the lies of right wing, offshore, tax haven loving, lie peddling, tabloid selling sociopaths in communities, without disinfectant, that made half of the country open to infection of Torykip.”

While the Conservative Party has been fingered as patient zero, years ago now, people eagerly anticipating its demise, now the hybridised illness is returning, are cautioned that it’s not the only community in which the infection is present. Redkip is also evident at the moment in other communities.

This is just as hard to treat, due to the underlying anachronistic nature of the underpinning virus underlying the underlying pathogen. Although it’s major symptom is a genuine concern for others, it will lead to the same ultimate end in the 21st century conditions we find ourselves in.

If you see someone suffering from Redkip, treat them with capital v labour serum, “Statute of Labourers” 1351, Freedom of Movement/Democratic rights for working people. It probably won’t work, but it’s worth a shot. Historical parallels.

“David Cameron woke up with an ulcer on his thigh one morning,” Dr Focken Stopp added,

“and cut his whole damn leg off, at home, in his kitchen, with dirty chicken scissors.

This was a mistake for Dave, not a disaster. Because Dave is filthy rich. Screw Dave. His gutlessness, when the crisis was treatable, is key in all this. So too those that went before him. Letting the infection spread and applying medicine to uninflected communities? Insanity.

Watchout for friends who start writing online only in capslock. That’s the first symptom of Torykip infection.”

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Rumours desert aircraft hanger used to film moon landings is being refit to film Trump UK state visit are true

Moon landing conspiracy theorists were in a celebratory mood today with the confirmation that rumours the disused aircraft hanger used to film the fake moon landings in the 1960’s and 70’s is being refit to film Trump’s UK state visit, are true.

“This is a turning point for conspiracy scientists in all fields,” Dr Tinothy Foile told LCD Views, “our decades long crusade for truth is finally bearing fruit.

Why, once the faking of Donald Trump’s state visit to the UK is proven, it will lead naturally to the whole world finally realising no man has walked on the moon. After that, who knows? Vaccines and autism link proven, most likely.”

Although it’s not certain when the filming will take place, it has been ascertained, by documents leaked to Dr Foile from a source inside the US military, that a long list of British celebrities will be in the crowd to ensure the film is believable.

“Arron or Aarron or Arrrrrrrrrrrrn Banks, how do you guys spell his name again?” Dr Foile continued,

“Nigel Farage, Theresa May, Boris “BS” Johnson, Owen ‘BS’ Patterson, Jacob Needs-smog?, someone dressed like the Queen, an actor playing Prince Philip, well, the list goes on to David ‘not a disaster’ Cameron. It’s really going to be something.”

As to release dates for the film, that is dependent on the negotiations between Donald Trump’s astrologist and 10 Downing Street to determine the best phase of the moon to film the state visit in.

“This should be way easier than when they faked the moon landings,” Dr Foile remarked,

“the expense to drag the moon out of orbit and miniaturise it to fit inside a manmade structure almost bankrupted the United States.”

While the final title of the cinematic marvel will most likely be determined by the general public, the good doctor has a suggestion for what the film should be called,

“The Loon Landing,” Tinothy was adamant, “grab your popcorn, this conspiracy is going to make both Brexitannia and Donald Trump great again!”

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News of Trump visit to London later in year causes concern at Ecuadorian embassy, “Julian won’t like sharing his room”

Julian Assange has spoken exclusively to LCD Views today, by way of standing on a balcony and shouting over the street noise outside the Ecuadorian Embassy.

“I’m not having it,” Mr Assange revealed,

“I’m not having a bunk bed installed in the broom cupboard. If Donald Trump wishes to claim asylum in London and bunk in with me, he’ll have to sleep in the hallway, behind the utility room door.”

And Julian isn’t the only one with his feathers ruffled at news of Mr Trump choosing London as the place he will claim political asylum.

“I won’t be flying to London to interview him all the time,” special prosecutor Mueller responded,

“He can claim asylum in Mar-a lago, if my wiretaps are right, that’s the golf course he’s picked for secession anyway, so why not claim asylum in the only geographical area he bothers to actually turn up to frequently. This gets more confusing by the day.”

Others were ready with an opinion too.

“What’s wrong with the Russian embassy?” Nigel Farage chimed in, as he does on everything, to be reported by all media outlets, regardless of relevance.

“It will be perfectly possible for the Ecuadorian embassy to provide a double bed big enough for them to sleep head to toe in, snug as bugs, like soldiers about to dipped in a soft boiled egg.”

We did contact the embassy concerned for comment, but their phone lines have been cut off for non-payment, apparently it’s part of a desperate attempt to be taken to court and evicted.

Julian had some final encouraging comments though.

“To be honest I could do with the company in the nights.

And I’d really enjoying showing Donald around my home. The dust balls in the corners are quite something. I think they’re alive.

And then there’s the hinge with the missing screw on the door, from that time when I demanded the Ecuadorians try and break the door in, to prove I could hold it closed with only my mind.

But he’s not coming out on the balcony. That’s my man cave.”

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Swiss mummy refutes links to Boris Johnson claiming “he’s adopted and I’ll go on Jeremy Kyle to prove it”

Anna Catharina Bischoff has spoken only to LCD Views’ family tree reporter today to refute claims of links to Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson, claiming “he’s adopted and I’ll go on Jeremy Kyle to prove it”.

The mummy, discovered in its testing place in a church yard in Basel in 1975, has refused to talk to the press for decades out of fear of scandal.

“I was worried the media would obsess over my syphilis,” Anna said,

“it never occurred to me the prophecy that haunted me while I was alive had come true.”

Anna goes on to state that she wasn’t superstitious in life and she’s not about to start being so after death.

Rejecting claims she was the great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother of Boris Johnson, she advised,

“Those boffins with their fancy toys best run that silly DNA test again, but this time on TV. That’ll set the record straight. If they will not I will sue for defamation.”

But how does she account for the prophecy?

“You mean related to the rumour, which I deny, in which a blonde beggar woman, who I refused shelter for a night, which I also deny, cast a spell on me?”

That one yes.

“In which she cursed me to be the great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother of a blonde haired, narcissistic, man child who would attain high political office only to use his position and influence to risk plunging Europe back into a spiral of division that could eventually lead to repeating the bloody and horrifying lessons of the 20th century?”

Yes, that one.

“Bollocks.”

Anna went on to offer her other big toe for testing but warned that if it came anywhere near the Foreign Secretary she’d jam it, “so far up his waffling ass he’ll curse the day he invented the banana straightening machine.”

Jeremy Kyle’s production company is reportedly ready to offer a six figure sum to ensure everyone has heard of the escalating scandal. Tune in. Drop in. Tune in. Drop out.

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OUTRAGE at shameful sham marriage scandal as Honest Brits wed EU citizens for money and passports

LCD Views are going to be first to reveal the SHAMEFUL SCANDAL just coming to light in which desperate Brits are tying the knots with EU citizens in exchange for MONEY and PASSPORTS.

“It’s a SHAMEFUL SCANDAL,” our marriage analyst, Prof Dee Vorce’d, shouted, “Brits marrying EU citizens in exchange for cash and passports is not on. We call on the government to immediately tackle the latest Brexit RACKET!”

Exact figures are not yet to hand, but undisclosed Home Office figures leaked to LCD Views by one of our former interns who now works as a junior HO minister, after leaving LCD Views in shame, put the figure at fifty thousand and mounting.

“It’s no surprise this sort of crime is occurring,” Dee conceded,

“it was only a matter of time before the anxieties over a loss of freedom of movement between the United Kingdom and the tyrannical, failing, superstate EU and all its enshrined human rights power grabs and environmental controls, led to Brits and EU citizens taking desperate measures to find a way around any new, relationship deepening restrictions.”

Quite where the sham marriages are taking place is not yet certain, but Vorce’d has a place in mind.

“Gretna Green is booming again,” Dee observed, “not just the tourist buses come to see the famous site of shotgun weddings, but truckloads of young British people and their FAKE SPOUSES have been witnessed tearing through the old blacksmith’s forge and out again lately.”

Dee said she has already written to the Home Office to advise them to check closely anyone applying to the Immigration Service for a marriage license where one party is an ALIEN.

“The only real shock,” Dee Vorce’d added, “is that it’s Brits marrying EU citizens to get EU passports. Danish is the most popular. Then German, French and Italian. I am frankly baffled that the traffic in this crime appears to be all one way.”